My family and I recently took a walk over a sand dune along Lake Michigan during a West Michigan blizzard. At the time, little snow was falling, but we were subjected to gale-force winds as we climbed the stairs for a view of the water below. As I was pelted with wind and sand, and frequently had to grab onto a railing or hold my arms out to provide greater stability and balance, I marveled at the trees which stood so strong, seemingly unaffected, against the powerful force of the wind. Do you know how they got to be so strong? This quote sums it up well: “”Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees” (J. Willard Marriott). It’s the powerful wind, which made our hike so difficult (and at times unpleasant), that over the years has helped those trees develop a strong root system which provides a firm foundation when the wind howls around and against them.

As parents, when we welcome a child into the world, we tend to do whatever we can to protect them even as we help them to grow and flourish. When a child has special needs like a diagnosis of autism, we tend to hold him or her even more closely, sheltering them from a potentially cruel and dangerous world, and hoping to encourage their growth in a way that avoids having their differences be too noticeable to the outside world. Parents work hard to help their child succeed and to protect them from failure or harsh treatment from others. But sometimes the day comes when they suddenly realize that their child hasn’t learned the skills needed to manage on their own. They lack the connections to receive help from anyone other than their parents or immediate family members. While the parents meant well, they find that that have unknowingly secluded their children from the life lessons that would prepare them to function on their own. Without the “wind” of difficulty throughout their lives, their “root systems” remain underdeveloped, making it impossible for them to stand up to the wind on their own.

The following quote explains the danger well: “As a parent, your nature is to protect.  Sometimes fear of risks … can cause you to exclude a person with autism from their community.” (Marguerite Colston, spokeswoman for the Autism Society of America).

Naturally, it is difficult to know when to shelter and when to give a gentle push to help our children step out and experience life lessons for themselves. It’s a process of daily deliberations and decisions. We don’t need to do it alone—our community can be a source of help to us as we seek to uncover and maximize our children’s potential and assist them in being successful. There’s wisdom in the saying, “It takes a village,” as we admit to ourselves that we cannot do it on our own. Are you familiar with the inspiring story of Helen Keller? Hers is an amazing story of success in spite of being both blind and deaf. She once said, “A man can’t make a place for himself in the sun if he keeps taking refuge under the family tree.”

Some of you reading this have young children at home. You may be inspired to find ways to help your children develop new skills and understanding so that they can stand strong against the winds of daily living and of adversity. Others of you find that your children are grown, but do not have a strong root system. Although you will likely face resistance and other challenges as you work to help your grown son or daughter, you may be encouraged by this old proverb: “The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.” It’s never too late to make healthy changes that benefit both you and your children! Even “late bloomers” can be successful. In the words of Moliere, sometimes “The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.”

In my own parenting, I think back to numerous occasions when I bit my tongue instead of discouraging my children from trying something new. Although I was afraid they would experience failure or disappointment, or even ridicule, I let them chart their course. Sometimes it proved to be a difficult or painful outcome, but it gave us an opportunity to talk about how life works, and what we can learn each situation. Other times they succeeded beyond my wildest expectations, and we were all able to celebrate yet another joyous (and sometimes unexpected) success.

Best wishes as you continue to teach and nurture children and young adults toward an ability to stand strong and bear fruit!

Laurel Falvo, CFLE

Certified Family Life Educator

Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. The Gray Center is officially closed until the New Year. We’ll reopen on January 4^th. We may be slow to answer phone and email messages, since our staff and volunteers will be spending time with family and friends through the holidays. Although you will not be able to visit with us in our office or utilize our library, our bookstore is always available at www.thegraycenter.org, and we will continue to process and ship your orders throughout the next two weeks.

Are you looking for the perfect holiday gift for someone on your shopping list? I’d like to suggest the following:

1. Books and DVDs always make great gifts! Our online bookstore has a wide variety of fabulous resources for the children, adolescents, teachers, parents, grandparents, and other special people in your life. In the past week, we’ve added several new titles, including Carol Gray’s new Social Story™ book (Anniversary Edition—available in January), “See You Later, Procrastinator (Get it Done)!,” “Look Me in the Eye,” “Teaching Your Child the Language of Social Success,” “Be Honest and Tell the Truth,” “What to Do When You’re Sad and Lonely” (and “Scared and Worried”), “Preparing for Life: The Complete Guide to Transitioning to Adulthood for those with Autism and Asperger Syndrome”), and “The Unwritten Rules of Friendship.” Through tomorrow evening, you can also take advantage of significant discounts on resources produced by The Gray Center—stock up and save as much as 80% on books and DVDs by Michelle Garcia Winner, Nick Dubin, Carol Gray, Sondra Williams, and Laurel Falvo!

2. How about a few social coaching sessions for yourself, your child, young adult, or for your family? Spend time in person or by phone working to develop new patterns or solutions, whether you’re dealing with transitioning to independence, getting more organized, or being more effective in school, at home, or on the job. More information is available on our web site.

3. Would you like your school district, parent group, or community to be better educated about autism spectrum disorders and the need for social understanding? Presentations also make a great gift! The Gray Center has several presenters available, and you may also have local talent available to provide this service. Contact info@thegraycenter.org if you’d like more information on presentations through The Gray Center.

4. Give the gift of encouragement! Look for a child or young person, parent or other family member, teacher or other professional, who could use a compliment or word of encouragement. It’s a fabulous way to spread some cheer this time of year!

5. Remember that The Gray Center can use YOUR gifts as 2009 comes to an end! Your financial support, book purchases, and volunteer labor all help us to accomplish our mission of promoting social understanding. Your assistance is always greatly appreciated! (You can make a tax-deductible donation safely and quickly online at www.thegraycenter.org).

Unlike many items on gift lists around the world (including some of those in my own home), I like to think of these options as “the gifts that keep on giving”–they have the potential to have a positive life-long impact on people’s lives!

With your help, The Gray Center is looking forward to another exciting year of programs and services. Thank you–we couldn’t do it without you!

Laurel Falvo, CFLE

Certified Family Life Educator

Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

In  many  households  and  classrooms, the holidays are a time of busy schedules, unusual activities and foods, and increased sensory stimuli. For some individuals with ASD, this is a recipe for discomfort and/or disaster.

While some of this cannot be avoided, there are things that parents and teachers can do to help make the holidays more enjoyable–or bearable–for those with ASD. Here are just a few ideas:

Evaluate  the  Schedule–As  a mom and former teacher, I know about the pressure to pack as much in as possible during the last few weeks of the year. Special projects, school programs, making or purchasing gifts, baking special foods, and visiting with friends and family all compete for a place on the calendar. This may happen at the expense of our own perceived sanity, as well as the comfort of our children.

1.     Can something be removed from the schedule? This may require saying, “no” to a social engagement, purchasing a gift instead of making it (or the other way around, depending on what is less stressful for you and your family!), or working with friends and family to share baked goods instead of making all of them yourself.

2.     Can the individual with ASD be better informed about the schedule? A visual may be helpful for them to anticipate the upcoming activities. This might take the form of a calendar, poster, or “advent calendar” counting down  to  Christmas or some other special event. (Advent calendars are commercially available. You can also make a paper chain with the correct number of links, having the individual remove a link each day until the special day arrives). For transitions, special events, travels, or a change in  schedule,  the  use  of  a  Social Story(TM) might be helpful (see www.thegraycenter.org for more information).

3.     What will stay the same? Often it is comforting for people to know what will NOT be changing during a busy or stressful time. This sometimes helps to keep the changes and transitions in perspective.

Evaluate the Sensory Environment–Most environments (neighborhoods, homes, malls, schools, etc.) take on an increased level of sensory stimuli during the holidays. Lights, music, decorations, and baked or cooked treats all add to the visual, auditory, olfactory, and other sensory input. This can be overwhelming to those who struggle even on a “normal” day to process and make sense of the sensory bombardment.

1.     Can something be removed? If there’s lighting, music, or some other stimulus that’s particularly disturbing to the individual, can it be removed or used only at specific, predictable times? My sons never appreciated the motion-activated “talking Santas” and other figures that danced and sang when they walked past. I made sure that we avoided those aisles in the store, or that they were turned off when we visited people who had them.

2.     Be sure to provide a quiet, predictable “place away” for those likely to feel overwhelmed by the sensory environment. It should include things that are comforting to the individual–special music, a favorite toy or other item, a comfortable blanket or pillow, etc. You might even be able to work with the individual to set up this special place, and/or to schedule “down times” when it will be used (although if at all possible, it should always be accessible as needed). Some individuals may benefit from having a set of headphones available to use when noise becomes overwhelming to them.

3.     Consider whether a “sensory diet” might be helpful for a particular individual. Sometimes heavy lifting (toting a gallon of milk or pulling a wagon), movement activities (jumping or swinging), and other techniques may be helpful. Your local occupational therapist might be able to provide personal suggestions for the individual with whom you live or work. You might also want to consult sensory integration resources such as those found at www.thegraycenter.org.

Consider dietary factors–Parties and family gatherings provide numerous opportunities to try new, delicious foods. However, this may be upsetting to some individuals, or may create intestinal or behavioral problems for others when they eat unfamiliar foods. Some should be avoiding these treats due to food intolerances, sensitivities, or allergies. It is helpful if teachers communicate with parents about upcoming food parties, so that parents can substitute foods as needed. If attending parties, the individual can eat acceptable or comforting foods ahead of time so they are not as tempted by the foods at the party (or a parent can pack foods to take along–something I did often when my kids were on a gluten-free and casein-free diet).

Other  practical  suggestions–Don’t forget to schedule “down time” for enjoying  favorite  activities  and for sleeping. When we’re tired, we typically have a harder time dealing with sensory and scheduling stressors.

It’s also important to factor in physical activity. Walking, jogging, or other forms of exercise or movement are also an important component during the holidays.

What  about  you?– Do  you have suggestions for promoting “stress-free holidays?” Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, teacher, administrator, sibling, or individual with ASD (or anyone else), we’d love to hear your

creative     ideas!    Please    visit    our    “topic    blog”    at http://thegraycenter.blogspot.com/search/label/Holidays%20and%20Vacations  and post your comments and suggestions to help others in our network of friends.

Wishing you all an enjoyable, relatively “stress-free” holiday season!

Laurel Falvo, CFLE

Certified Family Life Educator

Executive Director, The Gray Center

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Just in time for the holidays and New Year: pre-purchase your copy (SIGNED by author Carol Gray) of The New Social Story Book: 10th Anniversary Edition! For only $34.95 you get 150 Social Stories(TM) by Carol Gray, a CD of the Stories enabling you to revise and print them for your audience, and Social Stories 10.1 (instructions for writing your own Social Stories). Find out more, or purchase your copy today (or several to give away) at www.thegraycenter.org! (The book will ship as soon as it is published, sometime in January).

Over three years ago, I began sending a weekly “SUN News” article to people around the world who are working to promote social understanding. These articles have focused on autism spectrum disorders (ASD), social understanding, teaching, parenting, sensory integration, adolescence, Social Stories™ and other resources, new ways of viewing our parenting and teaching, and more. Many of you have written to express appreciation for these articles, and have shared your stories and your questions so that I have had an opportunity to learn from you, also. Your inspiration and encouragement have helped me send out over 160 weekly articles to date.  Thank you!

Many of you have purchased books, DVDs, posters, and/or CDs from The Gray Center’s online bookstore, or participated in our workshops, conferences, groups, networks, and coaching services. The money you spend on Gray Center resources helps us to provide these valuable opportunities. Thank you!

By participating in the areas listed above, you have indicated that you need the information that The Gray Center provides. Through accessing our web site, calling or emailing our staff, or attending an event, you receive necessary—and hopefully valuable—information and support.

I’m writing today to ask you to do one more thing—“just because!”  It’s something you can do to help The Gray Center and the people we serve. It’s an opportunity to impact the lives of individuals and families around the world.

I’m asking you to make a donation, in any amount you are able, “just because!”

Your “just because” may differ from that of another person reading this today. Perhaps you can identify with one or more of the following:

Maybe you are willing to give a donation “just because…”

-       You have a child, sibling, parent, grandchild, friend, employee or student with autism—or you have been diagnosed with ASD or believe that you may be on the spectrum

-       You have been receiving and benefiting from The SUN News—a resource which The Gray Center provides for free–for up to three years

-       You have received assistance from a Gray Center staff member or from our web site

-       You share in The Gray Center’s mission of promoting social understanding

-       You are willing to give up a latte, dinner in a restaurant, or new purchase so that The Gray Center can use your gift to provide services to a family who is out of work and unable to access necessary resources and/or struggling with a new diagnosis or strategies for improving social effectiveness

-       You care about The Gray Center’s ability to continue to provide these services, and recognize that in this difficult economy, we can’t do it without you

I know there are many wonderful organizations vying for your financial contributions, especially at this time of year. You likely encounter daily opportunities to spend your hard-earned money. We are honored that you continue to support The Gray Center with your time and your participation, but hope you’ll take a moment to give a financial gift, whether it’s $5, $25, $100, or $500… “just because!”

Thank you for supporting The Gray Center!

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

You can give quickly and securely online at www.thegraycenter.org, or send a check to:

The Gray Center, 100 Pine St., Suite 121, Zeeland, MI  49464

Note that all donations are tax-deductible (in the US) and will be acknowledged with a letter/receipt.

(Please note that we will not be using the postal service to send a letter requesting donations. We are using our financial resources to meet people’s needs, rather than paying for paper and postage.)

If you shop online, please use www.iGive.com/graycenter as your gateway to surfing and shopping. The Gray Center receives donations from thousands of online merchants when you visit their sites and make purchases. (Installing the iGive toolbar on your browser is a great way to ensure that donations will be tracked and credited to The Gray Center).

ONE MORE NOTE: All Social Story™ resources are on SALE through tomorrow evening at www.thegraycenter.org as our way of saying “thanks” for your support!

This week many of us living in the USA will take a break to give thanks over the Thanksgiving holiday. Kids and school staff will be thankful for a break from school, as will all the others who get a welcome holiday from their work. Families will give thanks for the loved ones gathered around their table, as well as those who are far away.

At The Gray Center we are thankful for many things:

• The countless people who call, e-mail, visit, or fax us throughout the year. Your stories inspire us, your questions help us learn and share what we have learned, and your encouragement keeps us going!
• People with autism, who continue to provide us with valuable understanding and memorable experiences.
• The parents and other family members, teachers, administrators, counselors, individuals with ASD, and numerous others who are regularly working to promote social understanding. You are making a noticeable, positive difference in our world!
• The parents, young adults, grandparents, teachers, and community representatives who attend our workshops and network meetings. They remind us of the needs we’re working to meet, and bring new information and ideas to our attention!
• The volunteers who regularly give of their time and talents. They help to keep The Gray Center’s doors open, and assist us in staying focused on our mission.
• Our board members, who are committed to growing and strengthening The Gray Center so that it can continue to meet people’s needs far into the future.
• The authors, presenters, and researchers who continue to provide new information to those seeking support. They help everyone to stay current, and to reignite our passion for promoting social understanding.
• Our staff—not only do we accomplish much with little, but we have lots of fun doing it!
• Our donors, whose generosity enables us to continue to promote social understanding! As we near the end of 2009, we hope you’ll consider making a tax-deductible donation to The Gray Center. You can do so safely and securely online at www.thegraycenter.org. We can only do our work through your generous support and partnership!

We give thanks for each one of you, and all that you are doing to promote social understanding and to support the Gray Center!

As a way of expressing our thanks to everyone on our new mailing list, this week we are giving $10 off your orders of $50 or more! (Haven’t yet subscribed? Email info@thegraycenter.org for more information).

Happy Thanksgiving, from all of us at The Gray Center, to all of you!

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

(Please note that our office will be closed Thursday and Friday to enable our staff and volunteers to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday with our families. We will, however, be open on Saturday, November 28 from 9:30-11:00 a.m. if you’d like to stop in to peruse our library and bookstore.)

My oldest son has grown more than four inches in less than a year! Although I’m quite tall, he passed me up already last summer, and now stands over six feet two inches (that’s more than 187 centimeters, for those of you who are accustomed to using the metric system). Perhaps the most remarkable thing is that he is only 15 years old, so he is likely to go through a couple of shoe sizes yet before he stops growing. I’m still getting used to looking up at him when I talk to him, or reaching way up for a hug.

A few weeks ago, I asked my son to hang some signs at The Gray Center for an upcoming young adult meeting. When I walked through the halls later, I had to chuckle when I found the signs hanging just a short distance from the ceiling, higher than most people would have looked for directions as they tried to find our office. In hanging the signs, Ben forgot that most people have a different perspective of “eye level” than he does! Similarly, I remember helping a blind student around campus when I was a college student. As he hung onto my arm, we walked from building to building discussing our classes. I occasionally had to apologize to him when I ducked successfully under a low-hanging branch, forgetting that he was unable to see the branch to do the same.

The truth is, we typically operate under an assumption that other people have the same perspective that we do. It takes a conscious effort to remind ourselves that their perspective (physical, emotional, etc.—what I refer to in my “Social Response Pyramid” as “My Context”) will differ from our own because of a difference in age, life experiences, personality, feelings, expectations, abilities, needs, interests, etc.—including the presence of autism, height, or ability to see. Whether we’re teaching, parenting, guiding, befriending, correcting, encouraging, or disciplining, our perspective will naturally differ from another person’s perspective. Keeping this in mind—and making accommodations when necessary—will help all of us to be more effective in our interactions with others!

Laurel Falvo, CFLE

Certified Family Life Educator

Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. This weekend my husband and I worked around the clock with developers, volunteering over 150 “man hours” through GR GiveCamp to develop a new web site for The Gray Center! We hope to unveil the new site soon. We’re incredibly thankful for the time and expertise donated through this event. We hope you will also be inspired to make a donation to The Gray Center. You can give quickly and securely at www.thegraycenter.org. It is only through your generous support that we are able to provide resources such as The SUN News, web site, library, groups, etc. Thank you!

Do you have a “green thumb?” That term refers to someone who knows how to grow plants and help them flourish. Some people have either studied plant care, or just seem to know how to position the plants, water and feed them, and pinch off dead growth to encourage new growth. Plants under their care are healthy and productive.

The Gray Center needs some “green thumbs” to help our organization continue to grow! We’ve just celebrated ten years of service to the local and global communities. People around the world have benefitted from our services, resources, and web site at www.thegraycenter.org. We’re excited about the plans we have for the future, including a new web site which will be unveiled shortly, some new resources including a new Social Story book by Carol Gray, and new services such as social coaching and consulting. We continue to hear that we’re making a difference as we provide information and support to those who are working to promote social understanding with individuals with autism spectrum disorders. But we can’t do it without your help!

As you support The Gray Center with your tax-deductible donations, you can “grow” the following resources:

-       “ASD to Z” is a booklet published by The Gray Center in 2005. The Gray Center has distributed more than 14,000 copies, many given free to families new to the diagnosis. Your gift of $5 enables us to mail one copy to someone who needs it. A gift of $1000 will enable us to publish a second companion resource, which will provide more in-depth information and support to parents, grandparents, siblings, professionals, and individuals with ASD.

-       Young Adult Network: We have just added a second location for our young adult network. We have a fabulous group of over 20 people with ASD, ages 16 and older, who participate regularly. Many feel that they have nowhere else to receive this type of social interaction and instruction. Your gift of $100 enables one young adult to attend meetings and social events for a year, to form friendships, and to learn and practice valuable social skills. A gift of $3600 will enable The Gray Center to lease additional space for the next year, to provide a special place (with games, technology, and comfortable seating) for the young adults to gather on a regular basis.

-       Social Coaching and Consulting: Many people need one-on-one assistance to get “unstuck” as they parent a child with ASD, or work to interact more effectively with others. Although The Gray Center has priced these sessions to simply cover our expenses, the economy has made it difficult for some to access this valuable service. Your gift of $100 will provide four months of on-going individual support for someone who desperately needs it.

-       Our web site at www.thegraycenter.org is going to be redone this weekend, thanks to the generous support of GiveCamp and dedicated volunteers. Your financial contributions will allow us to make additional changes in the upcoming months to ensure that this resource can provide you with the information you need in order to continue to promote social understanding in your area of the world.

We’re excited about the growth The Gray Center has experienced during our first ten years of service to the local and global communities. We know that with your continued support, we will grow and flourish in the months and years ahead. Please consider making an online donation at www.thegraycenter.org, or mailing a check to The Gray Center, 100 Pine Street Suite 121, Zeeland, MI  49464.

Your holiday on-line shopping can also benefit The Gray Center at no additional expense to you by logging on through www.iGive.com/graycenter before you shop. And as always, your purchases at www.thegraycenter.org provide the necessary revenue for The Gray Center to continue to be a source of information and support around the world. Thank you!

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. We hope you’ll join us for tonight’s “Proactive Parenting” meeting at The Gray Center in Zeeland (7:00-8:30 p.m.). Go to www.thegraycenter.org for more information.

Welcome to The SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!

For the last few weeks The SUN News has been looking at the variety of factors that lead to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) when they occur together. In the last few weeks, we’ve covered language and communication differences, behaviors/interests/imagination, and sensory integration. This week, we’re looking at the category of social participation. These SUN News articles do not attempt to fully detail the differences present with a diagnosis of autism, but explain the implications of each area as they relate to interactions with people with ASD.

The differences or delays that are typically identified as being in the social participation area include:

- Initiating and/or sustaining a social interaction

- Turn-taking (reciprocal relationships), whether in activities or conversations

- Adherence to own rituals, rules, and routines (this was also discussed previously)

- Difficulty noticing, understanding, or responding effectively to unwritten social rules

- Emotional regulation, and understanding of emotions in others (and responding effectively)

- Theory of Mind (understanding that others have their own ideas, feelings, interests, etc. and using that information to guide interactions with others)

- Peer to peer relationships (often individuals with ASD have an easier time interacting with people much younger or older than they are, especially during childhood and adolescence)

ASD is often referred to as a “social disability.” Each of the categories described in the last few weeks has social implications. In fact, usually none of the areas considered “diagnostic criteria” are problems for a person with ASD unless he or she is part of a “social context!” For example, “stimming” (hand-flapping, rocking, flicking fingers in front of one’s face) generally occurs when an individual is responding “authentically” to his or her own context. It typically is perceived as necessary and/or comforting. However, when the individual is in school with classmates, or in a crowded restaurant with other diners, suddenly that response doesn’t work with the people around him or her, and the message is conveyed that he or she should stop, replace the response with something that works better with others, or go away for awhile. If a person with ASD is alone, none of the criteria listed above are issues. It’s only when other people, with their own expectations, experiences, feelings, etc. (or their individual contexts, as described in my Social Response Pyramid) are interacting with people with ASD that their differences cause difficulties for each person in the interaction.

What this means is that we cannot simply point to people with ASD as the cause of breakdowns in communication or other social interactions. The rest of us are both part of the problem, and part of the solution! We can continue to ensure that we understand ourselves and how we contribute (either positively or negatively) to any given interaction, and help individuals with ASD do the same. Nick Dubin, author of “Breaking Through Hidden Barriers,” and a young man with Asperger’s, once told me that he is capable of feeling empathy, but on his own, doesn’t always recognize what others are feeling in order to identify with them. Nick Dubin’s books and DVDs, and numerous other resources are available at www.thegraycenter.org to help promote social understanding. Social coaching (a new service provided through The Gray Center) can also help individuals who are interested in becoming more socially effective.

Best wishes as you continue to participate in social interactions with people with ASD—and to help everyone experience and enjoy social success!

Laurel Falvo, CFLE

Certified Family Life Educator

Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

Welcome to a special edition of the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network! I’m writing this in response to the many requests I get for support for parents—note that at the end of this article, there’s information about an upcoming parent meeting in Zeeland, MI.

My husband and I try to be proactive parents! Although our children sometimes complain, they would tell you that they do not dislike us for it; in fact, during moments of honest reflection, they would likely tell you that it has earned us their respect.

What is a proactive parent?

A proactive parent wants what’s best for her children, but recognizes that sometimes they have to earn it, go without it, or lose it before they also value it.

A proactive parent allows his children to sometimes falter, fail, and fall, knowing that failure will teach them more about succeeding than his constant rescues ever could.

A proactive parent clearly spells out reasonable but high expectations, and holds firm (without giving in or back-tracking) until her children achieve them. Her children learn that their own good choices generally lead to good consequences, and their bad choices often lead to unpleasant consequences, because she consistently allows them to experience this. Although they like to blame their proactive parent for the consequences that they dislike (and all too infrequently thank her for the good ones), they eventually learn that they can receive more frequent rewards by making more good choices—and they try to take responsibility for their bad choices.

A proactive parent is gentle but firm, flexible yet consistent, empathetic but unwavering. He recognizes and respects where his rights and responsibilities end and where his children’s begin…and through his expectations and responses, teaches his children to do the same.

A proactive parent is willing to forgo present thanks and pleasure for future rewards. She recognizes that today’s trials lead to tomorrow’s triumphs, both for herself and her children.

A proactive parent knows that his children’s verbal, emotional, and physical resistance to his “no” will eventually go away when they’re ready to move on to the next request. And then he will feel stronger for holding firm, and his children, like steel refined by fire, or a tree strengthened by the wind, will also be stronger.

Proactive parents know that neither they nor their children are perfect, and while their standards are high, through unconditional love and acceptance, they create a physically and emotionally safe environment in which their children can experience both failure and success.

They may sometimes doubt their effectiveness as parents, feel guilty for being “tough” on their children, dislike the children’s sometimes hurtful responses, feel isolated and alone, and grow weary from adhering to high standards. Yet they believe that “tough love,” although it isn’t always “warm and fuzzy love,” builds character and enables people to interact more effectively with others.

Thankfully, most proactive parents catch glimpses of greatness as they go about the work of parenting. Just as she might enjoy a gleaming floor after spending hours on her hands and knees scrubbing and polishing, or catching her reflection in a window that she has worked hard to clean, a proactive parent begins to see that her efforts are reaping rewards. As his children exhibit honesty, kindness, respect, responsibility, integrity, good work ethics, forgiveness, and flexibility, he sees that they, too, are on their way toward being proactive parents —or teachers, therapists, and friends–who hold themselves and others accountable while also being kind and supportive.

Are you a “proactive parent?” Do you wish you could be? I think we need to be more deliberate in supporting parents, teachers, counselors, and others in their work of promoting social effectiveness through the types of expectations and natural consequences that I detailed in this article. In fact, I am not able to be a proactive parent alone! My husband is a huge support as he patiently provides love, encouragement, and instruction to our children and to me. We work with our children’s teachers to ensure that we all have similar expectations both at home and at school, as we teach responsibility and hold our children accountable. Grandparents and other family members, friends, and neighbors also help in the important task of raising our kids to be kind, responsible, and productive individuals. This type of teamwork is what is intended by the common saying, “It takes a village!”

Kids provide daily opportunities for us to learn to be proactive parents, including throwing a tantrum if they don’t get what they want, refusing to do their chores, asking for more money (after wasting their own), making hurtful comments,  and stressing our resolve through whining, asking incessantly, sulking, or making threats. Children around the world provide these fabulous learning opportunities for the people tasked with caring for and instructing them. The question is, what will they learn from it? What can we do to equip them with the necessary skills for being effective participants in their relationships, whether it’s with us, or with others?

I hope you’ll take a minute to respond to this article here, or on our Facebook or Twitter accounts. There’s no need for anyone to feel alone or to face difficult decisions—and stand firm in adhering to what they know is best—without the support of others around the world!

From one parent attempting to be proactive, to many others,

Laurel Falvo, CFLE

Certified Family Life Educator

Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

If you live in West Michigan, I hope you’ll join me on Tuesday, Nov. 10 from 7:00-8:30 p.m. at The Gray Center, City on a Hill Ministries, 100 Pine St., Zeeland, MI, for a “proactive parent” meeting. This will be an opportunity to support each other while learning more about the challenges proactive parents face, and creative strategies for addressing those challenges as we work toward interacting more effectively with our families. ALL parents are invited, regardless of the age of your child, or the presence of (or lack of) a particular diagnosis. Please RSVP by selecting the “proactive parent” option in our shopping cart at www.thegraycenter.org.

Welcome to The SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!

There are a variety of factors that lead to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) when they occur together. In the last couple of weeks, The SUN News has looked at language and communication differences, and behaviors/interests/imagination. This week, we’re looking at the category of sensory integration. This is not part of the “triad of symptoms” originally described by Lorna Wing, but is becoming an increasingly accepted and anticipated facet of ASD. These SUN News articles do not attempt to fully detail the differences present with a diagnosis of autism, but will explain the implications of each area as they relate to interactions with people with ASD.

When a person’s sensory system is not well-integrated, he or she may:

- Have difficulty screening out unnecessary noises, struggle to focus on the important ones, and may sense some sounds as unusually painful

- Have difficulty paying attention to important details without being distracted by tags in clothing, temperature, or other sensory input

- Be intolerant of different textures when eating or touching things

- Slam doors or use too much force in other areas, since the proprioceptive system is not signaling how heavy the door is and how much force is needed

- Walk into things or step on people’s toes, due to a lack of understanding of where his/her body is in space

- Be bothered by too much visual input—fluorescent lighting, too many objects or colors, too much activity or motion

- Stand too close while talking with someone, or complain that someone else is too close, since he/she lacks an awareness of appropriate personal space

- Use a voice that is too loud or too soft for the current social context

- Shut down or melt down, when the sensory system becomes over-stressed

You may or may not have a well-integrated sensory system. But either way, it’s likely that you have developed strategies over the years to keep your system functioning more efficiently and to help yourself stay comfortable. Some people chew gum or drink coffee to stay alert. Some cross their legs while sitting and bounce their foot, or tap their pencil on a desk for additional input or to calm themselves. Some wear gloves when gardening because they don’t like getting their hands dirty, or while cleaning because they don’t like to get their hands wet or dislike the lingering smell of cleaning solution which might remain on their hands.

When we’re working with children, we have a tendency to remove such options which might improve their functioning or help them stay more comfortable. Often we do not allow chewing gum in class, we do not provide gloves for finger-painting, and we tell students to sit still while they’re completing their assignments. Then we’re surprised or frustrated when they have difficulty participating in the activity successfully. Occupational therapists have made great strides in introducing “sensory diets” in classrooms to provide the feedback so many students need, whether swinging, pushing or pulling heavy objects, “brushing” (the Wilbarger method), weighted vests, bouncy seats or balls to sit on while working, etc.

It may be helpful to ask someone with sensory integration dysfunction which sounds, smells, and other sensations are most disturbing to them. You may be able to change the environment to be more conducive to their needs, or provide strategies which would help them be more successful in spite of their challenges.

Books such as “Answers to Questions Teachers Ask About Sensory Integration” and “Understanding Regulation Disorders in Sensory Processing in Children” can be helpful if you’d like more information about this topic. Both are available at www.thegraycenter.org.

Thank you for the work you are doing to promote social understanding and effectiveness with those with ASD

Laurel Falvo, CFLE

Certified Family Life Educator

Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Would you like to continue to receive The SUN News every week? Would you like updates on new resources and sales at The Gray Center, and/or would you like to be notified when The Gray Center hosts events and network meetings? Be sure to subscribe at http://eepurl.com/ekqF (where you can choose the updates you prefer to receive) since we’ll soon discontinue use of this current SUN News subscription feature and individual email updates sent by staff!