Gray Center SUN News

My article last week, “To Diagnose or Not to Diagnose,” sparked many comments and discussions, both through email as well as on this blog. It seems that most of the people who contacted me agree that in a perfect world, a “diagnosis” would not be necessary, but instead, people’s needs would be met on an individual basis, and each person would be accepted and celebrated for who he or she is. We know that many factors contribute to our current inability to rely on a simple needs-drive-services model, and that the diagnosis is often both necessary and desirable for those who fit the criteria for an autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

Once our understanding of an individual leads to a diagnosis or points to the presence of ASD, often the on-going question becomes, “To Tell or not to Tell?” Who needs to know about the diagnosis? When does the individual himself or herself need to know?

The answer to this question is highly individual, and may change over time (perhaps again and again). Perhaps sharing some of my own story will help to provide some perspective on this issue.

My sons were each diagnosed at a very young age (3 and 2) with Asperger Syndrome. Both eventually ended up in regular classrooms, but with outside assistance (physical, occupational, and speech therapy, both privately and through the school system). When they were very young, their differences attracted attention. Classmates’ parents wondered why they flapped their hands during gym class, why my two-year-old was speaking in complete sentences and singing songs while his classmates were mostly non-verbal, why they had difficulty answering questions even though they were highly verbal, why they seemed awkward when running and climbing, and why they irritated classmates by closing doors that their peers wanted open, by sitting too close to other children on the story rug, or by repeatedly reminding the teacher that it was time to start a new activity. At that stage, providing information about my sons’ diagnosis enabled me to access support from other parents, provided direction and helpful strategies for the teachers and therapists working with my children, and created a more flexible and understanding environment for my everyone. Although it was not my intent, I was surprised to find that some other classmates were also diagnosed after I shared information about my children with parents and/or teachers!

As they got older, both my children and their classmates started noticing (and asking questions about) my sons’ notable strengths as well as some of their differences. At that point (in my case, at ages 8 and 5), I told my sons about their diagnosis, and eventually went into their classrooms to provide more information to their classmates. (I have written an article about how I shared the diagnosis with my sons, which is available on our Articles page at www.thegraycenter.org.) The benefits to providing information at this stage were many; classmates became more tolerant and supportive, the teachers were able to be open about everyone’s differences in the classroom, and my kids were able to discuss (with me and sometimes with others) some of the positives and negatives of their diagnosis and how it affects their lives. At this stage I regularly wrote letters to new teachers to introduce my children, including their strengths and challenges, and the unique attributes of the diagnosis that might affect their performance in the classroom. I also provided access to resources and to techniques that tended to work well with my kids.

Now (at ages 14 and 11), my sons are excelling independently in regular classrooms, without outside supports. They have chosen not to tell people about their diagnosis; a decision that I support. While the information is in their files, and is occasionally discussed as part of relevant discussions at parent-teacher conferences, most of their classmates and their parents probably are unaware of the presence of a diagnosis of any sort.

As my kids get older and move toward high school, college, employment, and dating relationships, I anticipate that it will increasingly be up to them to be responsible for their own success in each of these areas, and consequently, to determine whether people need to know about their diagnosis. (I am aware that adolescents and adults who do not function as independently may continue to need parents or other care givers to intervene and provide assistance in this area).

Although there is no one answer that can work for everyone with regard to this issue, there are perhaps some guidelines that can be helpful. Some are related to my recent articles about getting a diagnosis, and person-first language:

1. Who needs to know? Primarily, it is important that people have this information if it will create a more supportive environment for the individual in question, and better enable him or her to reach their full potential. If needs are not being met and the individual is misunderstood without knowledge of the diagnosis, this would be an important time to increase understanding about ASD and how it affects him or her (and the social environment, whether it is a classroom, playground, home, or workplace), as well as resources and strategies that could help.

2. Does the individual know about his or her own diagnosis? Often, a good time to provide this information to the individual is when he or she begins to question differences (why they go to therapy, why others don’t seem to want to play with them, why no one else knows the names of all the planets or the local train schedule, etc.) Be careful about setting up a situation where “everyone” knows about the diagnosis except the individual with the diagnosis!

3. How does the individual feel about the diagnosis? Although my children have chosen not to voluntarily disclose their diagnosis at this time, I know other individuals who are eager to share this information with others. Again, when needs are being met, it likely becomes more of a personal issue to be determined by the individual and his or her family.

4. Be sensitive to when and how the information is shared. If the individual is not aware of his or her diagnosis, or is not comfortable having it discussed in public, be sure to inform others only if necessary, and in a way that protects your own integrity and the thoughts and feelings of the person in question. In my family, the diagnosis has never been used as an excuse. It is sometimes an explanation for why some things are difficult (or easy), or why my sons need to work harder in some areas than others, but it doesn’t excuse negative choices that they make. It should also not be used as the source of blame for all the negatives in a person’s life. In the cases where this has happened, I’ve seen people who view their diagnosis very negatively, seeing it as the source of all the things they don’t like about themselves or their lives. (We can help to avoid a situation like this by watching our own attitudes that we portray toward the diagnosis and the individual with the diagnosis.)

Again, this is a highly individual topic. Everyone likely has his or her own guidelines for disclosing a diagnosis to other people. If you’d like to share information that might be helpful to others, feel free to do so here!

Thank you all for your continued work in promoting social understanding around the world!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

Note: I have written the booklet, “ASD to Z” as a means to educate others who need to know about ASD. It provides basic information, support, and hope for those who are looking for a “starting point” –or an easy-to-read resource—for learning more about autism spectrum disorders. The Gray Center is celebrating the fact that since this resource was published, we have given away or sold more than 10,000 copies! If you would like a copy, you can purchase one at a reduced rate of only $2.00 this week at www.thegraycenter.org. This would be a great time to stock up on booklets to give to teachers and other family members! We also have numerous other resources for sharing the diagnosis with an individual on the spectrum.

Staff members at The Gray Center spend a majority of our time answering questions (by phone and email) from people all around the world. These questions often center around a desire to gain information about their child (or the child in their classroom), the need for help with a particular situation (either creative ideas or resources they haven’t tried before, or a new place to take their child to access resources), suggestions for educating others about their child (or themselves, if they’re a person with autism), or ways to involve their child or young adult in more meaningful ways in their community.

Often, we are contacted by parents of children (of a variety of ages) who are just recently being evaluated for the possibility of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Sometimes they question whether they should pursue a formal diagnosis.

Naturally, this is only a valid question if the child (or young adult) meets the criteria for ASD. It would not be responsible to advocate giving an individual a diagnosis that does not correctly describe his or her developmental history, and current level of functioning (including strengths and challenges). At The Gray Center, we do not do evaluations or provide diagnoses. However, we often walk parents through the following thought process, hoping that it helps them to make the decision that is right for their child:

1. Is your child being met at his or her current functioning level? That is, are her strengths recognized, applauded, and utilized for motivation, positive peer interaction, and opportunities to offset her challenges? And are her challenges being addressed in a thoughtful, proactive way? Several weeks ago we had a mom in our office who is thrilled with the services her daughter is receiving from her school. The school has created a social skills group which meets regularly, a counselor is meeting frequently with the child and her teachers, the child has a supportive peer group in her classroom and on the playground, and is doing well academically in the classroom. This mom does not feel a need to pursue a formal diagnosis at this time for her daughter, even though she shows many signs of having ASD.

Addressing an individual’s current functioning level in an effective way is of huge importance, given the opportunity to possibly guide a person toward recovery from autism (as I shared a couple of weeks ago), or at least, reaching his or her full potential, and/or increased access to social and academic success.

2. The second thought concerns a “common starting point.” This is closely related to the first point (in fact, a common starting point often leads to a child being met at his or her current functioning level). Does everyone working with the child have the same (or similar) understanding of the child or young adult, and the assistance he needs to reach his full potential? If the adults in his environment consistently believe that he is deliberately acting out, without considering his sensory needs, communication and/or learning differences, and emotional or social struggles, then information about the presence of ASD might help his family, school community, or daycare environment address his needs more effectively. On a more personal level, I knew a young man who realized he had Asperger’s Syndrome after reading a newspaper article about the diagnosis. He commented to his parents, “This is me, isn’t it? And all these years I thought I was just stupid.” He had never been told that he was on the autism spectrum; this information may have saved him from years of self-doubt and a feeling of isolation. Once he knew his diagnosis, and was able to research it and meet other people with similar interests and abilities, he enjoyed a much more positive self-image!

Not only does a common starting point benefit the individual with ASD, but it can also benefit others working on this person’s behalf. Teachers (and other professionals), parents, and employers can attend conferences, read books, or consult with others who have experience working with individuals with similar strengths and challenges. I know one family who has been told that their child has “a brain disorder.” Although his profile seems very similar to those diagnosed with ASD, these parents have no one to connect with to share experiences, no books to read, and no other kids for their child to form friendships with in a place such as The Gray Center. Rather than having the benefit of using common knowledge about autism and what is most likely to be beneficial to this student, teachers instead approach the situation “from scratch,” looking to develop teaching strategies that might help a child with “a brain disorder.”

Can an individual’s needs be met without a formal diagnosis? Most certainly! Is this always the case? Unfortunately, it is not. The question of whether to pursue a diagnosis will need to be made on a case-by-case basis, and possibly be re-evaluated on a regular basis (as needs and abilities change, understanding of the individual increases, and adults rotate in and out of the person’s life). And certainly, there are people who have “recovered” from autism and no longer need to tell people about their diagnosis, as well as people who would prefer not to receive the diagnosis in the first place. (I’ll write more about that next week!)

Feel free to weigh in on this discussion on our SUN News blog at http://graycenter.wordpress.com. Your experiences and opinions may prove helpful to individuals who are currently struggling to answer the question, “To diagnose or not to diagnose?” in their own life.

Special thanks to those of you who are making a formal diagnosis less of a necessity! Your flexibility, willingness to meet each individual at his or her current level of functioning, and desire to communicate with others in that child’s life, are greatly appreciated! Thanks, too, to those of you who are helping to make a diagnosis of autism a less negative experience for those who receive it. As I wrote last week, there are many people who are able to celebrate the presence of autism in their lives!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. No one is required to have a formal diagnosis in order to access the programs at The Gray Center! Watch our web site for information about new groups forming for the fall, our autism film series, which begins at our Lakeshore Office this THURSDAY (with a showing of “Normal People Scare Me,”), and a wide selection of books and DVDs which can help parents and professionals (and individuals on the spectrum) gain a better understanding of the strengths and challenges of ASD, as well as strategies to help! Find out more at www.thegraycenter.org.

April was Autism Awareness Month. There were many activities centered around raising awareness and funds, both locally and far away. I hope, though, that those who watched or participated were able to see the scope of our efforts as being about more than a diagnosis, but instead, as being about people who are uniquely gifted and have so much to offer our society!

If you’re familiar with my Social Response Pyramid(TM), you know that according to this model, everyone has his or her own starting point when responding to input. This unique starting point is comprised of what the individual knows, feels, expects, believes, remembers, etc. The immediate individual context (“My context”) is a combination of interests, abilities, challenges, learning style, memories, past experiences, personality, birth order, ability to integrate sensory input, and medical, physical, or emotional differences or diagnoses, including an autism spectrum disorder.

Each pyramid represents a unique person. For example, a person may be tall, of average build, with dark hair, enjoy sports, have experience working with computers, be somewhat shy and quiet, a bit of a perfectionist, AND have autism.

Until recently, I believed strongly in the need to identify such a person as a person with autism, NOT an “autistic person.” I feel sad when I hear parents or teachers say that they have “normal children” and “autistic children,” implying that one is better than another. Over the last many years, society has been working to emphasize that first and foremost, an individual is a child (or teenager, adult, or person), and secondarily, the individual has a condition that some view as a disability.

I have recently become aware that not everyone agrees with the push toward person-first language as it relates to those diagnosed with ASD (autism spectrum disorder). In fact, there are many such people who argue strongly for the consistent use of the term “autistic” to describe themselves, as opposed to referring to them as people with autism. (This appears to be similar to the movement toward “Aspie” as a designation for individuals with Asperger Syndrome). Like me, they believe that autism is an intricate part of who they are; that it cannot be separated out as distinct from who they are as people. But they argue that the rest of us are simply trying to be politically correct in calling them “people with autism.”

I applaud the desire of these “autistics” to educate people as to their uniqueness and individuality, and their eagerness to embrace the characteristics which identify them as being on the spectrum.

The problem is, we live in a world where autism still isn’t generally accepted as unique and positive, and so using the term “autistic child” can be misconstrued and misapplied to other diagnoses by people who are NOT sensitive to the nuances of these terms. In other words, we should not endeavor to set an example for people who might again begin using terms such as “Down’s Syndrome child,” “diabetic child,” or even, viewed negatively, “autistic child,” losing the ground we’ve gained in promoting their personhood before examining the issues that they may face. We also cannot assume that everyone with ASD feels the same way, and would choose to be known as an “autistic person.”

It’s interesting to reflect on this issue. I’m aware that I’m resistant to the term “autistic” because I feel that it singles out those with ASD as being different from everyone else, rather than first acknowledging their similarities to other people. But the research I’ve done indicates that those who wish to be known as autistics WANT to be different from others; they do not want to be compared to other people, but instead wish to be known by their unique designation.

So from now on my personal stance on this subject is consistent with my desire to promote social understanding; I will now acknowledge BOTH sides of the issue—and the rationale behind each side—instead of just my previous view. From there, I think it should be up to an individual whether he or she prefers to be knows as an “autistic,” or as a “person with autism.” For those who prefer not to be connected officially—in any way—to the term autism, I’ll write more on that topic next week!

Thank you to all of you who are working to promote social understanding! I continue to learn from you, and am a better person because of it!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. We have many resources available for individuals of all ages who would like to better understand the role that autism plays in their lives. Young people may enjoy the books, “How to be Yourself in a World That’s Different” and “Asperger Syndrome: An Owner’s Manual 2 (for older Adolescents and Adults)”. Younger children may enjoy the Owners Manual 1, as well as the books by Beverly Bishop and Catherine Faherty. We’ve also recently added “Asperger’s from the Inside Out: A Supportive and Practical Guide for Anyone with Aspergers” by Michael John Carley, Executive Director, GRASP (The Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership). To view our selection of quality resources (including sales and many new titles), go to www.thegraycenter.org

However, it’s primarily my personal experience with individuals diagnosed on the autism spectrum that makes me uncomfortable with talk of the need for a cure. With these individuals, often both the distinctive abilities as well as the “quirks” associated with the diagnosis have combined with their personality and life experiences to make them uniquely them! Looking for a “cure” for something which is so intricately combined with the other aspects of who they are is practically tantamount to trying to cure a person’s blondeness (or any hair or skin color), a persistent drive toward perfection, unusual and intense interests (which often end up benefiting our world in significant ways) or someone’s creative view of life and/or artistic ability. Discussing the need to “cure” this aspect of their personhood implies that there is something inherently wrong with them that cannot be tolerated or lived with, much as we are trying to cure potentially fatal diseases such as cancer, heart disease, and muscular dystrophy.

Several years ago, Carol Gray and Tony Attwood wrote an interesting article, “The Discovery of Aspie.” It contends that we would view individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome differently (and in fact, more positively), if we approached them through their strengths and abilities—as a “discovery of an Aspie,”– rather than through the diagnosis of a person with an autism spectrum disorder. (If you haven’t yet read this article, or would like to share it with someone else, you can find it on our web site on the “Articles” page).

I recently read an article which approached this topic from a slightly different angle. This article, written by Doreen Granpeesheh, PhD, BCBA, and recently featured in the Autism Society of America’s publication, “Autism Advocate” (Volume 50, No. 1), is titled, “Recovery from Autism: Learning Why and How to Make it Happen More.” Once I got beyond my resistance to the term “recovery,” (which initially fostered the same feelings that I have toward the word “cure,”) I found the content of the article to be quite enlightening.

The dictionary defines recovery as, “restoration or return to any former and better state or condition.” The author acknowledges that “there is no consensus today on a definition of recovery from autism.” But given that the diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is currently primarily anecdotal or based on symptoms, rather than a specific definitive medical or genetic test, the focus on recovery takes us away from the idea that a person needs to have autism removed, and instead, focuses on enabling them to achieve their full potential. Granted, the “norms” that we compare them to are still those of “neurotypical” peers. Since autism still occurs less frequently than “neurotypical” does, we still use that standard of comparison.

Granpeesheh cites the lack of remaining evidence of autism (those symptoms and characteristics which initially led to a diagnosis of ASD) as possible proof of recovery. This may include a child’s ability to be fully integrated into a regular classroom without outside supports, an average or above-average score on an IQ test and a test of adaptive functioning, and a lack of criteria (as defined in the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders—commonly known as DSM-IV-TR, American Psychiatric Association 2000) such that an autism expert (medical doctor or psychologist) could no longer give the individual a diagnosis of ASD.

Has autism “gone away?” Given that there is a strong suspicion of genetic involvement in many cases of ASD, as well as possible accompanying biological and physiological factors, most likely not. However, research continues to show that individuals are “recovering” through exposure to early intervention and a variety of educational, behavioral, and medical interventions. Although autism remains a part of who they are, Granpeesheh concludes that “they are simply learning how to function better.”

At this point, there is no “magical formula” for helping individuals recover from autism (or to function at a level consistent with that of their peers). Practical experience indicates that the answer is different for one individual than it is for another. But I believe that social understanding plays an important role in the potential for recovery from autism! The more that parents, siblings, grandparents, teachers and other professionals, peers, colleagues, spouses, and friends can assist individuals with ASD in gaining relevant social information and strategies for producing effective responses (combined with help meeting basic needs such as sensory integration, accommodating learning styles, help for depression, meeting medical needs, etc.), the more likely it is that individuals will be able to recover from autism!

Regardless of your feelings toward the concepts of “cure” or “recovery,” you will want to read next week’s SUN News as I explore the controversial matter of person-first language as it applies to a diagnosis of autism!

Best wishes as you continue to promote social understanding in your corner of the world!

Laurel Hoekman

The Gray Center

www.thegraycenter.org

www.thegraycenter.org. Be sure to check out our NEW titles, which we’ve added in the last week, as well as the SALE category which contains titles that will only be available at these prices until we’ve reduced our inventory! (If you live in West Michigan, you can also borrow a wide variety of resources from either of our libraries).

Last week I wrote about the common tendency to have our minds made up about people or circumstances. Too often, this leads to miscommunications and an inability to consider how others feel or what they think. Together, this adds up to social ineffectiveness! This week I’ll reflect a bit on why this happens.

First, we all approach life through our own perspectives. My “Social Response Pyramid(TM)” calls a person’s starting point “MY CONTEXT.” It’s collectively my own thoughts, experiences, perceptions, feelings, abilities, personality, expectations, opinions, memories, etc. It’s where and who I am at this moment in time. Our unique starting points tend to color all of our interactions with others, and the way that we perceive them. From that starting point, we make judgments about others. Sometimes we are so “set in stone” that we are unable to consider others’ perspectives, thoughts, or feelings. We become rigid and unbending, with our minds so made up about something, that no one and nothing can convince us otherwise.

Although I sometimes refer to our unique starting points as “my reality,” this should never be confused with truth. Truth is absolute. What can vary from one person to another is our interpretation of facts. For example, we may see a child take an object from another child’s desk. One person may conclude that the child is stealing, or intentionally taking property that belongs to another person. Another person may conclude that the child doesn’t understand rules of personal property, and does not realize that what he or she is doing is wrong. Yet another person, who is closer to the situation and knows the participants more fully, may understand that these two children share an eraser, and frequently go into each others’ desks to retrieve that shared property. The truth is simply that one child took something from another child’s desk. However, each of the three people observing this act is going to respond differently to the situation, according to his or her own interpretation of it.

When we are able to move beyond our own thoughts and experiences to consider what might be motivating others to act or speak the way they do, that’s called perspective-taking. Researchers say that neurotypicals (those who are not affected by autism spectrum disorders or other social cognitive deficits) tend to be quite good at perspective-taking. We have an innate ability to assume the experiences, feelings, and thoughts of others. While it’s not equal to an ability to literally read others’ minds or walk in their shoes (even though we have figures of speech which imply that this is the case), it is an ability to make fairly accurate guesses about another person’s perspective and motivations.

The problem is that we also tend to assume that our accuracy is 100 percent! We expect that others must feel the way we think they do, or that they feel the way we do in a similar situation. We often neglect to take into account other people’s different experiences, personalities, abilities, and expectations. It’s like looking at a sculpture from two different and opposing views. One person sees one thing, another sees another thing. The only one who can definitely say what the sculpture is supposed to represent is the artist who created it.

We cannot know for sure what another person is thinking or feeling unless they tell us. Unfortunately, often they do not have an opportunity to tell us, or perhaps they don’t have the ability to describe how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking. The latter is often the case with individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD). Fortunately, there are excellent resources available to help, which I’ll mention in a moment!

We recognize that those with ASD may have a more difficult time taking the perspective of others, or accurately assessing another person’s thoughts, feelings, or motives. However, my experiences with individuals with this diagnosis have convinced me that this is not always the “disability” that others might think it would be. Instead, these individuals tend to also be free of assumptions of others. Although they may have limited experiences, or may have difficulty generalizing from one experience to another, they also are less likely to form prejudices. We can learn from their ability to take things at face value!

Many great resources for helping those with ASD understand themselves and others are available at The Gray Center, including, “100 Things Guys Need to Know,” “Asperger’s Syndrome: An Owner’s Manual,” (and “Owner’s Manual 2,” which we’ve just started carrying along with other new titles), Tony Attwood’s “Exploring Feelings” books, “Replays,” Michelle Winner’s “Sticker Strategies” and the new “Superflex: A Superhero Social Thinking Curriculum Package.” All of these—and many more—are available at www.thegraycenter.org!

The good news is that “MY CONTEXT” is always changing! As we learn from our experiences and interactions with others, new information becomes a part of the way we will approach people in the future. Hopefully this is encouraging news for all of you who are working to promote social understanding!

Next time we find ourselves interpreting another person’s words or actions, or judging their motive or intent, I hope we’ll stop long enough to ask questions, or to consider more fully what they know or believe, how they feel, what they have experienced in the past, etc. As the Social Response Pyramid(TM) indicates, we’re much more likely to increase our social effectiveness—and theirs—if we do!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Are you curious about the Social Response Pyramid(TM)? It’s a visual representation of social understanding–how we can better understand ourselves and others (including those with ASD) in order to develop and utilize strategies to increase the effectiveness of our responses and theirs. You can find information on our web site (including basic instructions and templates), and for the next several days, you can also purchase the basic workshop presentation on DVD for a sale price of only $9.95! I have a few openings for presentations on the Pyramid yet in 2008. If you are interested in having me present for your district or conference, you can email me at laurel@thegraycenter.org.

My three children are pretty good eaters. Even if not their choice, they know our house rules of eating a healthy variety from all food groups. (For those of you who are jealous of this, I should clarify that it wasn’t always this way—I had two children go through feeding therapy when they were young, and eating has often been a struggle). Recently, one of my kids faced a particular food, clamped his mouth shut tight, and mumbled through his closed mouth, “I don’t like that!” Knowing that he would like the food if he tried it, I insisted that he have just one bite. Not surprisingly to me (but surprising to him), he was soon in pursuit of a second helping!

My son was convinced that he wouldn’t like the food, even though he had never tried it. How often do we make up our minds about something, even though we have no personal prior experience with it? We decide we don’t like a new colleague because she reminds us of someone else we know, or she took the place of a colleague who had become a close friend. We’re convinced we won’t agree with or like a particular book because of a review we’ve read. We carry prejudices against a person or group of people because of what our parents told us years ago. We dislike a type of animal, or a hobby, or a certain food, because a family member or friend dislikes it. Or we favor one particular brand of beverage, food, or restaurant, or use some product—and are convinced that we wouldn’t like the “other” brand—because it’s what we’ve always used. It seems that often our minds are “set in stone.” Opinions, expectations, perceptions, etc. are solidified and are unlikely to change voluntarily.

Last winter I spent a few days in Florida with my extended family. My 10-year-old nephew set about crafting a beautiful alligator in the sand. His sculpture looked very realistic when it was done! Fortunately, I was able to take some photos of it to enhance the memory of the occasion, because with time, the sand sculpture was sure to disappear. Waves, rain, or tourists’ footsteps eventually change the terrain so that new creations can take the place of this one. Unlike artwork crafted in stone, the shifting sands allow for diverse creative expression, as well as correcting mistakes along the way.

Obviously, there are some morals and values that we should adhere to without bending. These are the absolutes in life, which should be set in stone. However, when it comes to our thoughts and perceptions about and attitudes toward other people and other ways of doing things, do our minds tend to be set in stone? If so, we may be missing opportunities to form new friendships, broaden our social and emotional repertoire, and to expand our personal, social, and professional horizons!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. We’re doing some spring cleaning, and you have an opportunity to benefit from it! We are making room for some new titles, which we’ll be adding in the next week or so, and other titles have to go! Some will no longer be available from The Gray Center once they’re sold, so hurry to www.thegraycenter.org for the best selection!

Last fall, our local newspaper (The Grand Rapids Press) ran an interesting article from the “Los Angeles Times” entitled, “Researchers take high view of idle chatter.” The article cited research from the University of Michigan which showed that increased social contact aided mental function. Solitary intellectual exercises, including crossword puzzles and Sudoku led to the same benefits as the same amount of time spent in “small talk” (in person or on the phone) with others. Perhaps not surprisingly, people who spent that amount of time watching TV (i.e. solitary activities without the intellectual component) did not display the boost in intellectual performance.

I suppose the good news is that those of us who thrive on chatting with others, whether we’re discussing our families, the weather, the current political scene, favorite new recipes, or sports, can claim to do it for the benefits to our mental function. The bad news is that for many people, “small talk” is not an easy pursuit. This is often especially true for individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), who may enjoy talking about a topic of special interest, but may struggle with the superficial, mundane, or the “back and forth” reciprocal and fast-paced nature of small talk.

We know that we can help them understand both the benefits and the mechanics of small talk. Books like “The Hidden Curriculum” can help parents and professionals better understand the difficulties experienced by those with ASD, and resources by Michelle Garcia Winner and Jeanette McAfee, as well as the books, “Good Friends Are Hard to Find,” and “How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends” and the children’s music CD, “My Turn, Your Turn,” can teach and reinforce this valuable skill. (These and many other fabulous resources can be seen at www.thegraycenter.org).

When individuals need a break from the highly social nature of small talk or more in-depth conversations with others, they can benefit from solitary intellectual exercises, also. The research shows the value of their alone time, provided that is balanced with other areas in their lives.

So, next time you’re either enjoying or being bothered by questions about how you spent your weekend, remember that you’ll emerge from the conversation with your mental functioning enhanced!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

P.S. To make room for NEW titles, which we’ll be adding soon to our bookstore at www.thegraycenter.org, we need to reduce our inventory! Check out the SALE category in our online store, but order soon, since many of the titles will no longer be available in our store once they’re gone! Then check back soon to view the new titles we’ll begin carrying!

Those of you who play organized sports know the importance of being a good team member. Even those who do not spend time on an athletic field can learn a lot about life from the basic tenets of team sports.

Whether we are a member of a family, a class, a staff, a congregation, a neighborhood, or any other group, we need to be good team members. Here are some of the important criteria:

1. Play by the rules. No one fits well with a team if he or she is playing by his or her own rules, or makes up rules as they go. Others have expectations for us, whether we’re doing household chores, completing a homework assignment, working on a group project, sitting through a classroom lecture, sharing an office, or listening to music in our own room while others are in the house. Some “teams” have written rules, others have spoken or unspoken rules. It’s our responsibility to know the rules and to consider how our ability and desire to hold ourselves accountable to those rules affects others on our team. Rules help everyone work toward –and achieve–a common goal!

2. Share the spotlight. It can be tempting to take the credit when something goes well, or to pass along the blame when it doesn’t. However, other members of our team are eager to hear some praise from us, and to receive apologies when needed. Good team members share the joys and responsibilities of life with those around them.

3. Know your purpose. In sports, a person needs to know what position he or she plays, and the purpose of his or her role, as well as the goal of the activity. In life, we need to know our own strengths, responsibilities, and purpose to ensure that our jobs are getting done, our relationships are being maintained, and our personal health and integrity are enhanced. Just like athletics, the whole team benefits when each team member is performing his or her tasks to the best of their ability.

4. Be willing to be benched. Whether at the will of a coach, or by the rules of the game, an athlete is occasionally sent out of the field or court while his or her teammates take over. In life, whether we’re taking turns or compromising with others, learning to accept constructive criticism, being “benched” by illness or injury, being laid off due to the economy or an incompatibility between our abilities and the needs of others, we all occasionally are required to sit on the sidelines rather than being in the middle of the action. Patience, perseverance, and a willingness to continue to cheer on our “teammates” are valuable attributes at these times! We can also use these times on the sidelines constructively, as a time to rest, reflect, and learn.

5. Focus on responsibility rather than entitlement. Even if you’re the parent, the boss, or the manager, a good team member pitches in when there’s work to be done. This means taking out the trash, picking up dirty laundry, and attending to the needs of those around us. Power and prestige mean so much more when they’re accompanied by the respect of those who work alongside and support us. This is often achieved by a grateful and giving attitude toward others, regardless of our position.

Some people seem to pick up on life’s team rules rather intuitively. Others may need specific instruction (and frequent reminders). Fortunately for them, there are some excellent resources that can help! Individuals working with younger children can make use of the beautiful children’s books written by Cheri Meiners. Titles include, “Join in and Play,” “Listen and Learn,” and “Share and Take Turns,” among others. A great resource for parents and teachers of younger children is “Achieving Best Behavior,” by Pamela Lewis. Other resources that can be helpful regardless of your target audience are those by Michelle Garcia Winner, Jeanette McAfee, Brenda Smith Myles, Kari Dunn Buron, and Carol Gray. All of these resources, and many more, can be found at www.thegraycenter.org. (You can use the search feature to find specific books or DVDs).

Are you a good team member? I’d like to challenge each of us to reflect on our own participation on various “teams,” and to take our reflection a step further by asking those around us what we do well, and what we could do better. We can take what we learn, and apply it to a personal “game plan” that enables us to become stellar team members!

Best wishes in your teamwork at home, school, and in the workplace and community!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Thank you for teaming with us to promote social understanding! Your donations and purchases, as well as your involvement through www.iGive.com are enabling us to continue to provide information and support to those living with autism spectrum disorders (ASD).

 I have recently been inspired by several people, and thought I’d share the inspirations with you!

A couple of weeks ago, we had a delightful group of four local teachers visit our Grand Rapids Gray Center office. They had decided to spend a morning perusing our resources and doing some brainstorming together. They purchased a few resources, and borrowed others from our library. As they were leaving, they mentioned that they planned to each read one resource, and share the results (information, impressions, and ideas) with the rest of the group. What an exciting way to learn new things and to foster teamwork within their staff!

Today I received a phone call from a local church which has decided to donate money to The Gray Center as a way of showing appreciation to their staff members who work with early-childhood and elementary students! They’ve asked that the money be used to provide free resources to families and teachers in our area. This is a fabulous way to honor their staff and ensure that the impact of their work is felt beyond their own congregation. Their gift benefits not only The Gray Center, but also area families and school districts.

We have a very talented young woman helping to staff and organize our new lakeshore office and facilitate our groups. She’s kind, well-organized, quick to learn new skills, eager to develop new programs and ways to promote them, and willing to share her unique insights as a person with Asperger’s Syndrome. Julie has been an inspiration to all of us!

I have a friend I’ve met through email, who is using the Social Response Pyramid(TM) and many other resources far away in Brisbane, Australia. When Lucy and I share ideas through email, I’m reminded of the extensiveness of the work that’s being done to promote social understanding by so many of you all around the world!

April is Autism Awareness month. It’s a great time to be inspired by these people and others who are doing what they can to promote social understanding! If you know of other stories which have inspired you, we’d love to have you post those here.

In honor of such inspirational people, we are offering a special SALE through Saturday at www.thegraycenter.org. You’ll find discounts on most of our “teacher resources,” including books and DVDs by Carol Gray, Linda Hodgdon, Michelle Winner, Nick Dubin, Kari Dunn Buron, Tony Attwood, Brenda Smith Myles, and more!

One last note—I have recently gained a whole new appreciation for people with knowledge and expertise in the world of computer technology. My computer crashed about two weeks ago, and to date I still have no access to my old email files and contacts. That means that some of you have been waiting for me to respond to an email, but I have no way of contacting you! I hope you’ll try again, and please be patient with me as I struggle to get back to my preferred level of functioning at my new computer!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org