Gray Center SUN News

One of my favorite aspects of working for The Gray Center has been meeting people with a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). I find them to be genuine, interesting, honest, and talented. Their perspectives on life are unique, and often their ability to focus on one thing, or to notice minute details puts this “too busy to notice or sit still for long” person to shame.

I know that their challenges are real, and are apparent not only to them, but also to those who live with them and work with them. However, all too often their abilities go unnoticed or under-appreciated, and their contributions to society may be less than they could be if we would do more to enable and encourage them.

Autism Awareness Month is a great time to deliberately reach out to those with ASD to let them know that they are noticed and appreciated for who they are. We can take time to listen as they discuss their interests. We can write a note or Social Story(TM), or create a poster or a scrapbook congratulating them on an achievement, big or small, or letting them know we love them. We can find a way for them to use their gifts in meaningful ways. We can help them learn more about themselves in an effort to develop a healthy self-esteem and self-awareness.

Two people who speak and write very articulately about their experiences as a person on the autism spectrum are Nick Dubin and Sondra Williams. The Gray Center is providing some of their resources at a significant discount this week to enable you to purchase copies for yourself or to pass along to your local library, school district, or nonprofit organization serving your community. You can find those books and DVDs at www.thegraycenter.org. If you’re interested in having Nick or Sondra speak for your group or conference, you can write to christy@thegraycenter.org for more information.

One way to reflect on the positive attributes of Asperger’s Syndrome is to read “The Discovery of Aspie Criteria” on our web site at http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=58. This article by Tony Attwood and Carol Gray takes an appreciative look at the diagnosis as a “discovery” of the many gifts and abilities often associated with Asperger’s Syndrome. Beverly Bishop’s book, “My Friend with Autism,” helps children understand a peer or sibling with ASD. Our web site contains numerous resources for increasing the understanding of parents and professionals, as well as the self-understanding of those with ASD.

I hope you’ll take a moment to reach out to someone with ASD this month! You can also use our SUN News blog here to post a comment praising someone in your life who has been diagnosed with ASD.

And to all of my friends with ASD, thank you for enriching my life and helping me to become more understanding of others!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. It is with great sadness that we say good-bye to Alex Gilpin (son of Wayne Gilpin, President of Future Horizons, Inc.) who passed away on March 30. We are thankful for all that Alex taught us, and for the way that he so quickly accepted us as his friends. Many of us were privileged to hear Alex and his longtime friend, Scott Lambeth, speak at a conference together, including The Gray Center’s 2003 conference in Grand Rapids, Michigan. The Gray Center staff encourages you to remember Scott and the Gilpin family, as well as the extended Future Horizons family, in your thoughts and prayers as they go through the difficult days and weeks ahead.

NOTE:  Please note that our Gray Center office will be closed through next week as our staff spends “spring break” with our families. Our Grand Rapids office will be open for a couple of hours on Wednesday morning, April 9, if you need to speak with someone during the week.

Last week I wrote an article about our tendency to view others’ actions as “inappropriate behavior.” I challenged all of us to consider the antecedents for those behaviors, as well as what people know about their choices and the effects that they have on others around them.

P.S. The month of April begins this week! April is “Autism Awareness Month.” I’ll be sending out extra issues of the SUN News throughout the month to share some ideas with you, as well as notices of sales on our web site. Be sure to watch for those!

Are you often appalled by the “inappropriate behavior” that you witness in school, at home, or out in the community? Do you struggle to teach others how to “behave appropriately?”

I believe that the vocabulary we use to make sense of our social environment affects both our understanding of people and situations, as well as the way we respond to them. That’s why I make a point to learn about the meanings of words–both as defined in a dictionary, as well as contrived through everyday use.

The two words contained in the title of today’s article are prime examples of this. Let’s start with “behavior.” Many dictionary definitions focus on the end result when they define behavior. They employ terms such as, “observable activity, demeanor, manner,” etc. I think that our common usage of the word “behavior” is generally consistent with these ideas. We tend to view others’ actions as isolated, visible activities. If we assign any hint of prior action to it, we typically assign a choice. In other words, we often believe that people “choose” to “behave” a certain way. Of course, we’re more likely to do this with negative behaviors than positive ones, especially with a person who frequently “misbehaves!” The most insightful information I found was from the American Heritage Dictionary, which stated, after giving synonyms for behavior, “These nouns all pertain to a person’s actions as they constitute a means of evaluation by others.” Note that “behavior” as defined in this way, depends very much on the person doing the observing!

The word “appropriate” has a similar twist to it. A common definition for this word contains something like this, “suitable for a particular person or place or condition etc;” Who determines what’s appropriate for a given situation? The implication is that others determine that!

Both words in the title of this article, “Appropriate Behavior,” empower the audience, or “others,” and remove control of the situation from those doing the acting. I believe there’s a better alternative!

Buried in some of the definitions of “behavior” is the word, “reaction.” What this implies is that there’s an antecedent for the behavior; that the observable action is in response to something else. In fact, whether or not an action was based on a conscious choice, a “behavior” is usually a response to input. That’s why I prefer to use the term “response” as opposed to “behavior,” since it reminds us that there’s a lot going on under the surface prior to the “tip of the iceberg” end result that we’re able to observe.

And since the word “appropriate” can leave the judgment of others’ actions completely in the eyes of the beholder, I prefer the term, “effective.” A response either works, or it doesn’t, or in the words of the dictionary, “effective” means, “adequate to accomplish a purpose.” Effective responses lead us toward a goal, whether the goal is getting a job done or interacting successfully with others.

Look how a change in our vocabulary can positively affect the way we interact with others! If Tom refuses to raise his hand in class and frequently interrupts, in spite of frequent admonitions from the teacher, recognizing his actions as a “response” leads us to question what information he might be missing about classroom expectations (and the purpose for those), as well as the effect that his actions has on others. We can also help him to understand how raising his hand to ask a question (or to provide an answer to the teacher’s question) helps him to be more “socially effective,” along with the teacher and the other students in the class. Raising his hand is both a strategy and a response as defined by my “Social Response Pyramid(TM).” Tom’s overall goal is to be socially effective, but in this case, it is more narrowly defined as either getting necessary information, or giving relevant information. His raising his hand “works” (or is effective) in this particular environment given the other people in the room and their expectations for him and the others in that context.

Rather than bemoaning Tom’s “inappropriate behavior” of interrupting throughout the instructional time, we can instead help him to generate a “socially effective response”–one that empowers him as an active participant in the success of everyone in the social context of his classroom.

We are all capable of producing ineffective responses, whether or not they are related to conscious choices. And all of us have done things that could be described as “inappropriate behavior”–if you don’t believe, me, ask your parents (or your children)! Yet I think it can be much more helpful in our work of promoting social understanding to focus on “effective responses” rather than “appropriate behaviors.” (Feel free to comment on this article here. Whether you agree or disagree, your comments and insights are always welcome!) If you’d like more information about the Social Response Pyramid(TM), I’ve posted a new downloadable diagram which you can access for free at http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=84.

Best wishes as you work to produce socially effective responses, and to enable others to do the same!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. If you’re trying to help children or adolescents work toward more effective responses, you might be interested in the following resources: “How to Handle a Hard to Handle Kid,” “Solving Behavior Problems in Autism,” “How to be Yourself in a World That’s Different,” and “Achieving Best Behavior.” (The latter does a fabulous job of guiding parents and professionals to accurately examine the individual context of the child in order to help them develop more effective responses). All of these resources, and many more, can be found at www.thegraycenter.org.

I read an article recently which suggested that of all the positive character traits we may possess, courage is the most important, although it is sometimes also the most difficult. I think the author was right!

It takes courage to be honest, when the “easy” thing to do is to tell a lie, or not to say anything. It’s courageous to befriend someone who is ostracized by others, and to stand up for a person when he or she is being bullied. Courage is needed when dealing with fear or uncertainty, and when making difficult choices that uphold our values and beliefs, but may not lead to great popularity with others.

I’m fortunate to have many people in my life who exhibit great courage. I know parents who are courageous enough to set limits for their children, and to ensure that they learn the connection between their choices and the consequences that accompany them. I know teachers who are courageous enough to teach their lessons in novel ways when they see that their students would benefit from that. I know business people who are courageous in running their business with integrity, even when it doesn’t always mean that they’ll come out ahead financially. I know individuals, with and without autism spectrum disorders (ASD), who courageously venture out of their comfort zones, sometimes several times each day, in order to make connections with other people, to learn new things, and to utilize their abilities in meaningful ways.

It’s interesting to look at various dictionary definitions of the word “courage.” Although some define it as the absence of fear, personally I prefer this definition from the American Heritage Dictionary: “The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.” Possessing courage does not mean that we will not have fear; rather, it means that we attempt to stay strong and resolute in spite of fear.

Are we teaching our children and students the meaning and value of courage? We can affirm others’ courage by pointing out when they are exhibiting courage, and by showing the connection between their courageous choices and the positive outcomes that they’re likely experiencing.

One of this week’s recommended resources at www.thegraycenter.org, “Stick Up For Yourself” (available as a student workbook and companion teacher manual), is one which can help professionals and students who are working at making courageous choices. One of our great bullying resources is Carol Gray’s “No Fishing Allowed,” a series which includes an instructional DVD, teacher manual, and student manual focusing on creating school communities where kids are equipped to identify and discourage bullying attempts. We also frequently recommend the children’s books by Cheri Meiners. These beautiful picture books help to explain the challenges along with the benefits of sharing and taking turns, respecting and accepting others, being polite, giving to those in need, and developing conflict resolution skills. (You can use the “search” feature on our web site to locate each of the titles by Cheri Meiners).”Try and Stick with It” is one of those books, which helps to teach the value of flexibility and perseverance, even when things are difficult, or don’t turn out the way we’d like them to. That sounds like courage to me!

Our Gray Center staff has been learning the meaning of courage through our friend and colleague Christy Gast (co-author of “Caring For Myself,”–a beautiful hardcover social skills book for kids), who has recently undergone two surgeries for cancer, and began chemotherapy treatments last week (which will be followed by radiation). Although she has not enjoyed the absence of fear or uncertainty, Christy has remained positive and determined even as she anticipates the loss of her hair and other unpleasant side effects. Some of that courage comes from within. Christy is definitely a strong person! Some of it is a gift of her faith that even this difficult situation is in God’s hands. And I believe that some of it is a product of the support that she receives from her family and friends. If you would like to send Christy a card or note of encouragement, you can send that c/o The Gray Center, 4123 Embassy Dr. SE, Kentwood, MI 49546. I’m sure that your assurances of support and prayers would be greatly appreciated, and would contribute to her ability to be courageous during this difficult time.

I’ll close with this applicable quote attributed to Keshavan Nair: “With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.”

I wish for all of us the strength to be courageous, and grace to affirm the courage we see in others.

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. If you live near West Michigan, you may want to hear Paula Kluth, author of “You’re Going to Love this Kid!” speak for the Autism Society of Westshore on Tuesday, March 11 at 7:00 p.m. This great learning opportunity is presented FREE of charge! More details are available at www.asws.org. Also, our Gray Center Lakeshore Groups are starting as early as this week! Go to www.thegraycenter.org to find out more about that Girls’ Group and Kids and Sibs Groups. (Note that our Lakeshore office will be open this week on Wednesday morning from 9-11).

Daily, we are faced with a multitude of social dilemmas. Should we tell the truth about another person’s appearance, or should we either remain silent or tell a “white lie?” Should we tell someone about something we’ve seen or heard that is bothering us, or would that be “tattling?” Should we go along with what someone is asking us to do, or risk rejection by turning them down?

Often, the presence of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) complicates such questions. There may be missing information that needs to be taught before these situations can be addressed successfully. For example, what exactly is a “white lie,” and how is it different from an outright lie? Although we teach and promote honesty, when is it okay (or even socially effective) to tell a white lie? What is the difference between “tattling” and enlisting the help of a responsible adult when faced with a situation that affects someone’s safety or emotional wellbeing? When should we do what others are telling us to do, and how do we judge their intent or protect our own values when their requests go against what we believe or have been instructed?

A social coach can help individuals sort out some of these questions so that they are better equipped to successfully navigate social situations. Social coaching can provide needed instruction, role-playing, a step-by-step plan, and more. A social coach can also assist families who struggle to develop new patterns of interacting with a child who is growing up and needing (but possibly resisting) added responsibilities, opportunities to make their own effective choices, and to experience natural consequences.

Many of us function as social coaches, perhaps without even realizing it. We function as social coaches when we model effective interactions with others (yes, we’re often being watched), when we provide information about the choices we’re making (and the thought process that led to those choices), and when we take time to provide necessary instruction to others. The process begins in infancy, as parents, grandparents, and childcare providers teach children basic manners along with society’s rules, both spoken and unspoken. It continues throughout our lifetime, as even adults find that we sometimes need gentle correction from trusted friends and family members when we commit social errors.

Sometimes we’re faced with complicated situations which go beyond our own ability and experience. That’s when we need to enlist the help of others who may have information to help us get unstuck, or to lead us toward successful outcomes. You may have individuals in your community who can help in that way. Gray Center staff is also available to talk with you by phone, email, or in person, as you work to determine the next step in a variety of situations. If you need someone (in person or by phone) to walk alongside you to help answer pressing questions and determine an action plan, along with holding you accountable for the choices and the progress you make, we have a social coach, Dr. Dale Ranson, who contracts with us to provide these services at a minimal cost. More information about social coaching (including contact information for Dale) is available on our web site at www.thegraycenter.org.

Social coaching, whether it’s done informally or formally, is an important component of promoting social understanding!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Our featured resource this week at www.thegraycenter.org is a great book, “Counselling People on the Autism Spectrum.” It’s helpful for those of you who are deliberately working at social coaching and other forms of counseling with individuals with ASD.

A popular TV commercial questioning, “What’s in YOUR wallet?” has attempted to convince people that the credit card they carry in their wallet can drastically affect the outcome of the situations they encounter. In a similar way, I believe that our social repertoire (or “social toolbox”) can help to determine whether or not we will be socially effective in our interactions with others.

Our social toolbox consists primarily of what we are able to do, and what we know, think, believe, feel, and have experienced. Those “tools” form the basis of our expectations for ourselves and others. Our toolbox differs from that of everyone else around us. We’re continually adding to it as we learn or experience new things, and as we adapt our available tools to deal with novel situations.

I’m looking forward to talking more about this topic with audiences in Austin, Texas this week, and Holland, Michigan the following week, as together we explore the Social Response Pyramid(TM) and use it to make sense of current research and popular teaching strategies. (More information about the Pyramid is available at www.thegraycenter.org, including free templates and instructions).As you assess your own social toolbox, I hope you’re able to celebrate the knowledge and experience that you possess, the relationships that are important to you, the personality traits that enable you to be successful in a variety of contexts, and the strategies that you are continuing to add to your repertoire as you interact with others. You are an important part of the process of promoting social understanding!

P.S. Have you seen this week’s featured resource at www.thegraycenter.org? It’s “Asperger Syndrome in the Inclusive Classroom: Advice and Strategies for Teachers,” by Stacy W. Betts, Dion Betts, and Lisa N. Gerber-Eckard. It’s one of the many popular resources available in our online bookstore. If you live in southwest Michigan, don’t forget that you can peruse our bookstore and resource library in BOTH of our offices, in Kentwood and Zeeland! Our open hours can be found in our online calendar.

In January, I volunteered for a day at the Worship Symposium sponsored by the Calvin Institute of Christian Worship (Calvin College), attended by 1400 people from 38 different countries. I was privileged to spend a day in a seminar about intergenerational worship and spiritual formation in children.

I wasn’t surprised to come home with my head swimming with new ideas for how my church family and I could include children more fully in the life of our congregation. I was somewhat surprised, however, to find that much of what I learned can also be applied to my parenting and my work of promoting social understanding between those with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) and those who interact with them!

Here are some of the concepts we discussed at the workshop:

1. Share your stories. Find ways to connect people across generations in a meaningful way. Don’t be too quick to isolate people or group them by age. Give young people an opportunity to teach older people. One church shared how their youth take several Sundays to teach the adults in the congregation about Facebook, text messaging, and the Internet, among other topics. Also give older people an opportunity to tell the younger generation about their experiences growing up–you may find more similarities than you ever imagined!

2. Recognize the role of the media. We learned that unlike previous generations, today’s younger generation is most greatly influenced by their peers, which are getting their information and ideas from the media. More surprisingly–and frighteningly–is the fact that the media portrays information in a way that is intentionally anti-parents. We need to be savvy to the effects of the messages that are being received by our children and adolescents.

3. Develop a shared vocabulary. The point was made in this workshop that because we discuss worship so infrequently, we don’t have the language for communicating with each other about this important topic. Similarly, we need to be talking about social understanding and related topics and defining them (friends, feelings, tolerance/patience, compromise, self-esteem, valuing others, etc.) so that we can give them a place of prominence and relevance in our daily lives and discussions.

4. Provide leadership opportunities for youth. The younger generation will be the leaders of the future. Are we giving them meaningful opportunities to develop and practice leadership skills?

Here’s a quote worth pondering this week: “Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and the wrong. Sometime in your life you will have been all of these” (Dr. Robert H. Goddard). That fits well with our desire to promote social understanding!

Best wishes as you continue your work of helping yourself and others to be socially effective!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Check out our web site at www.thegraycenter.org for more information about our upcoming Parent and Young Adult Network meetings in Kentwood, MI, as well as Wednesday’s GIRLS’ GROUP meeting/supper in Zeeland!

I recently saw a television advertisement for a financial advisor. In it, two engineers are walking along a dam on a river, checking its structural integrity. Suddenly a small crack develops, and water begins trickling out. The two individuals look at each other, obviously questioning what to do next. Then one removes a wad of gum from his mouth, and sticks it on the center of the crack. The trickle stops, and the two engineers move on. However, we’re able to see that behind them, the gum has let loose, and now the trickle of water has become a geyser, spelling disaster ahead!

P.S. Thank you to everyone who helped make our Lakeshore Open House a huge success last Thursday! The winter weather cooperated so that everyone was able to gather safely, and we enjoyed the opportunity to meet many new people, as well as renewing relationships with some old friends. Watch our web site for new programs and workshops for that location as we figure out how best to meet the needs of the lakeshore community.

I was diagnosed with myopia when I was in fifth grade. That means that until I received my prescription glasses, I was able to read my textbook close-up, but not the chalkboard in front of the room. I’ve worn corrective lenses ever since to help me see things far away.

A funny thing happened last time I went to the eye doctor. Well, I’ll admit it doesn’t feel very funny. It seems that in the process of aging, I am now on the brink of needing bifocals, since I’m no longer nearsighted nor farsighted! The fact that I find it difficult to read books or my computer screen while wearing glasses proves the doctor’s point. I’m now shopping for a pair of interim reading glasses.

It has struck me that there’s a hidden truth here related to social understanding. Many of us have “social myopia.” We can readily see what we do well, but tend to be blinded to the gifts and abilities of others. Or perhaps on the flip side, we think we’re the only ones who feel overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, financially pinched, etc., while overlooking the fact that many others feel the same way.

As we examine the process of social understanding, we can sometimes find a need for “social reading glasses.” These would help with our tendency to see things “my way”–in a somewhat distorted version of reality where neither our own abilities/challenges nor those of others are seen with great clarity or accuracy.

Obtaining “social corrective lenses” may not be as simple as driving to the nearest drugstore, yet it need not be overly difficult. Here are a few steps to head us in the right direction:

1. Recognize the problem. Identify in yourself one or two areas which could use improvement (if we’re honest, there are usually at least that many)!

2. Distance yourself. When I was 13, my mom’s complaint that her “arms were too short” seemed both strange and funny. Sorry, Mom–I’m not laughing anymore! Without reading glasses, I find that I also have to hold small print farther away in order to be able to read it. Sometimes we need to take a real or imaginary step back from a social situation in order to see it, understand it, and respond to it more effectively.

3. Keep learning. Ask questions of the people with whom you live and work–without assuming you already know the answers. Attempt to get to know them and to see things from their perspective. Utilize resources such as “The Hidden Curriculum” (Brenda Smith Myles–available at www.thegraycenter.org) to better understand the social information that those with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) may be missing, and how you can help.

A glance at a dictionary confirms that “myopia” is “nearsightedness; a condition of the eye when objects are seen distinctly only when near the eye.” However, a second definition is this: “lack of foresight or discernment.” Now there’s a social point to ponder!

Best wishes for improved social foresight and discernment, which will likely benefit both you and those with whom you live and work!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

Many schools are making efforts to educate their teachers, staff, and students about autism spectrum disorders (ASD), and to fully include those with ASD and other diagnoses. Laws mandate some aspects of this, colleges provide at least basic instruction to future teachers, and advocacy groups work to ensure that progress is ongoing.

Obviously, there is much work to be done in this area. The good news is that awareness of the problem is increasing, as are measures to address it. The Gray Center is currently collaborating with several area organizations and churches as part of a worship renewal grant received from the Calvin Institute of Christian Worship . The purpose of the grant is to enable churches to raise awareness and provide training so that those with disabilities (any disability) can be fully included in worship. If you live in the West Michigan area, you can attend a workshop at First Baptist Church of Middleville on Saturday, February 2nd. Details are available at www.thegraycenter.org. (This workshop specifically addresses the needs of those with ASD, although my Social Response Pyramid presentation contains information that can be applied much more broadly). Other church workshops are being planned for later in the spring in Holland, Michigan–watch our web site for further details.Several resources are available to help parents and worshippers better understand ASD and how to minister to those with the diagnosis, as well as their families. Some of my favorites include, “Autism and Your Church” and “Helping Kids Include Kids with Disabilities” by talented educator/author/presenter Barb Newman, as well as Sondra Williams’ book, “Reflections of Self.” As a person with ASD, Sondra offers incredible insight into her ability to understand God, as well as some of the issues she has encountered as she has looked for a comfortable and welcoming place to worship. The Gray Center is pleased to make available a presentation that Sondra gave at a church workshop last year. That can be purchased and downloaded at http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&product_id=188. (NOTE: The Gray Center will be committing 100 percent of the proceeds from the sale of Sondra’s book, DVD, and MP3 download through April to our new Sondra Williams Endowment fund. Details of this new fund will be added to our web site as they become available.)

Friendship Ministries is an international, inter-denominational ministry committed to sharing God’s love with people who have cognitive impairments and to enable them to become an active part of God’s family. They have many educational resources available, including information about forming “Friendship Classes” at your church. This is an exciting ministry that provides a welcome place for those with disabilities, with lots of one-on-one interaction and instruction. More information can be found at www.friendship.org.There are many other wonderful resources, including books, web sites, and organizations dedicated to promoting awareness and providing practical assistance in this area. If you know of others that you’d like to recommend, please post those here.

P.S. Gray Center lakeshore events being planned: OPEN HOUSE, Thursday, Feb. 7 from 4:30-7:00 (you’ll receive a FREE gift just for participating!), and Girls’ Group, Wednesday, Feb. 20. Go to www.thegraycenter.org for more details. And you won’t want to miss our next Family Resource Expo on Saturday, September 27th in Grand Rapids! Last year we had about 40 exhibitors, four presenters, lots of activities for the kids, and over 500 attendees!