Are you crafting New Year’s Resolutions for 2010? I’m guessing your resolutions don’t read like this: “This next year I’m going to keep _____________ (i.e. eating, spending, etc.) like I always have.” Usually our resolutions revolve around something that we identify as needing a makeover. Our weight is too high, our wallets are too thin, our jobs could use revitalization, our relationships have gone stale, etc.
Change is inevitable. We change our clothes when they become dirty, we dress differently for a special occasion, and we update our wardrobe as styles come and go or we outgrow (or wear out) our current attire. Family situations are transformed or modified due to death, illness, a new job, a child moving on to college or his own apartment, divorce, marriage, etc. Jobs change, classroom requirements change, and the seasons change.
We can get excited about making a New Year’s resolution as we picture a “New Me” or a “New Life” as an adventure or an obvious improvement over our current situation. Yet how many of us have the ability to hang on to that enthusiasm and determination through the New Year, let alone through the first month (or week)?
The truth is, the possibility of change often makes us uncomfortable! This is even truer for individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), who tend to prefer routine and consistency. They may be frightened by the unpredictability of the unknown. Even the language of change can be discomforting to them. Words such as “new, different, and change” can provoke very strong reactions in them.
We can adapt our language to suit their need for predictability; to give them the information they need in a calm and reassuring way. When we know their “trigger words”–or those that cause them great anxiety, we can find words that are less provocative to them. For example, the words “another, additional, extra, superior, or better” may be less frightening than “new” or “different.”
However, sometimes what we don’t say is as problematic as what we do say! I still chuckle when I recall the story of family friends who were getting ready to move to a new house. They had been preparing their three-year-old for the upcoming changes by telling him how much he’d like his new bedroom, the new large backyard for playing ball, and the new basement. They were surprised that he didn’t seem very excited, until finally one day he burst into tears and said, “It sounds OK, Mommy, but I sure am going to miss you and Daddy!” In their desire to get him prepared for upcoming changes, they neglected to reassure him about those things that would stay the same! In his young mind, he had a picture of everything being new, and all the old, familiar, comforting things disappearing forever!
With this in mind, don’t forget to provide that information whenever you discuss a change or transition. Help your audience hold on to those things which bring stability and comfort whenever possible, thereby easing the anxiety surrounding the knowledge that not everything will stay the same.
Do you have other suggestions regarding this topic? I hope you’ll share those with each other on here!
As we head into yet another “New Year,” I hope you’re excited about the potential for what lies ahead, even as you find comfort in those things that are predictable and familiar.
Wishing you all a blessed and happy New Year!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
My family and I recently took a walk over a sand dune along Lake Michigan during a West Michigan blizzard. At the time, little snow was falling, but we were subjected to gale-force winds as we climbed the stairs for a view of the water below. As I was pelted with wind and sand, and frequently had to grab onto a railing or hold my arms out to provide greater stability and balance, I marveled at the trees which stood so strong, seemingly unaffected, against the powerful force of the wind. Do you know how they got to be so strong? This quote sums it up well: “”Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees” (J. Willard Marriott). It’s the powerful wind, which made our hike so difficult (and at times unpleasant), that over the years has helped those trees develop a strong root system which provides a firm foundation when the wind howls around and against them.
As parents, when we welcome a child into the world, we tend to do whatever we can to protect them even as we help them to grow and flourish. When a child has special needs like a diagnosis of autism, we tend to hold him or her even more closely, sheltering them from a potentially cruel and dangerous world, and hoping to encourage their growth in a way that avoids having their differences be too noticeable to the outside world. Parents work hard to help their child succeed and to protect them from failure or harsh treatment from others. But sometimes the day comes when they suddenly realize that their child hasn’t learned the skills needed to manage on their own. They lack the connections to receive help from anyone other than their parents or immediate family members. While the parents meant well, they find that that have unknowingly secluded their children from the life lessons that would prepare them to function on their own. Without the “wind” of difficulty throughout their lives, their “root systems” remain underdeveloped, making it impossible for them to stand up to the wind on their own.
The following quote explains the danger well: “As a parent, your nature is to protect. Sometimes fear of risks … can cause you to exclude a person with autism from their community.” (Marguerite Colston, spokeswoman for the Autism Society of America).
Naturally, it is difficult to know when to shelter and when to give a gentle push to help our children step out and experience life lessons for themselves. It’s a process of daily deliberations and decisions. We don’t need to do it alone—our community can be a source of help to us as we seek to uncover and maximize our children’s potential and assist them in being successful. There’s wisdom in the saying, “It takes a village,” as we admit to ourselves that we cannot do it on our own. Are you familiar with the inspiring story of Helen Keller? Hers is an amazing story of success in spite of being both blind and deaf. She once said, “A man can’t make a place for himself in the sun if he keeps taking refuge under the family tree.”
Some of you reading this have young children at home. You may be inspired to find ways to help your children develop new skills and understanding so that they can stand strong against the winds of daily living and of adversity. Others of you find that your children are grown, but do not have a strong root system. Although you will likely face resistance and other challenges as you work to help your grown son or daughter, you may be encouraged by this old proverb: “The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.” It’s never too late to make healthy changes that benefit both you and your children! Even “late bloomers” can be successful. In the words of Moliere, sometimes “The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.”
In my own parenting, I think back to numerous occasions when I bit my tongue instead of discouraging my children from trying something new. Although I was afraid they would experience failure or disappointment, or even ridicule, I let them chart their course. Sometimes it proved to be a difficult or painful outcome, but it gave us an opportunity to talk about how life works, and what we can learn each situation. Other times they succeeded beyond my wildest expectations, and we were all able to celebrate yet another joyous (and sometimes unexpected) success.
Best wishes as you continue to teach and nurture children and young adults toward an ability to stand strong and bear fruit!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. The Gray Center is officially closed until the New Year. We’ll reopen on January 4th. We may be slow to answer phone and email messages, since our staff and volunteers will be spending time with family and friends through the holidays. Although you will not be able to visit with us in our office or utilize our library, our bookstore is always available at www.thegraycenter.org, and we will continue to process and ship your orders throughout the next two weeks.
In many households and classrooms, the holidays are a time of busy schedules, unusual activities and foods, and increased sensory stimuli. For some individuals with ASD, this is a recipe for discomfort and/or disaster.
While some of this cannot be avoided, there are things that parents and teachers can do to help make the holidays more enjoyable–or bearable–for those with ASD. Here are just a few ideas:
Evaluate the Schedule–As a mom and former teacher, I know about the pressure to pack as much in as possible during the last few weeks of the year. Special projects, school programs, making or purchasing gifts, baking special foods, and visiting with friends and family all compete for a place on the calendar. This may happen at the expense of our own perceived sanity, as well as the comfort of our children.
1. Can something be removed from the schedule? This may require saying, “no” to a social engagement, purchasing a gift instead of making it (or the other way around, depending on what is less stressful for you and your family!), or working with friends and family to share baked goods instead of making all of them yourself.
2. Can the individual with ASD be better informed about the schedule? A visual may be helpful for them to anticipate the upcoming activities. This might take the form of a calendar, poster, or “advent calendar” counting down to Christmas or some other special event. (Advent calendars are commercially available. You can also make a paper chain with the correct number of links, having the individual remove a link each day until the special day arrives). For transitions, special events, travels, or a change in schedule, the use of a Social Story(TM) might be helpful (see www.thegraycenter.org for more information).
3. What will stay the same? Often it is comforting for people to know what will NOT be changing during a busy or stressful time. This sometimes helps to keep the changes and transitions in perspective.
Evaluate the Sensory Environment–Most environments (neighborhoods, homes, malls, schools, etc.) take on an increased level of sensory stimuli during the holidays. Lights, music, decorations, and baked or cooked treats all add to the visual, auditory, olfactory, and other sensory input. This can be overwhelming to those who struggle even on a “normal” day to process and make sense of the sensory bombardment.
1. Can something be removed? If there’s lighting, music, or some other stimulus that’s particularly disturbing to the individual, can it be removed or used only at specific, predictable times? My sons never appreciated the motion-activated “talking Santas” and other figures that danced and sang when they walked past. I made sure that we avoided those aisles in the store, or that they were turned off when we visited people who had them.
2. Be sure to provide a quiet, predictable “place away” for those likely to feel overwhelmed by the sensory environment. It should include things that are comforting to the individual–special music, a favorite toy or other item, a comfortable blanket or pillow, etc. You might even be able to work with the individual to set up this special place, and/or to schedule “down times” when it will be used (although if at all possible, it should always be accessible as needed). Some individuals may benefit from having a set of headphones available to use when noise becomes overwhelming to them.
3. Consider whether a “sensory diet” might be helpful for a particular individual. Sometimes heavy lifting (toting a gallon of milk or pulling a wagon), movement activities (jumping or swinging), and other techniques may be helpful. Your local occupational therapist might be able to provide personal suggestions for the individual with whom you live or work. You might also want to consult sensory integration resources such as those found at www.thegraycenter.org.
Consider dietary factors–Parties and family gatherings provide numerous opportunities to try new, delicious foods. However, this may be upsetting to some individuals, or may create intestinal or behavioral problems for others when they eat unfamiliar foods. Some should be avoiding these treats due to food intolerances, sensitivities, or allergies. It is helpful if teachers communicate with parents about upcoming food parties, so that parents can substitute foods as needed. If attending parties, the individual can eat acceptable or comforting foods ahead of time so they are not as tempted by the foods at the party (or a parent can pack foods to take along–something I did often when my kids were on a gluten-free and casein-free diet).
Other practical suggestions–Don’t forget to schedule “down time” for enjoying favorite activities and for sleeping. When we’re tired, we typically have a harder time dealing with sensory and scheduling stressors.
It’s also important to factor in physical activity. Walking, jogging, or other forms of exercise or movement are also an important component during the holidays.
What about you?– Do you have suggestions for promoting “stress-free holidays?” Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, teacher, administrator, sibling, or individual with ASD (or anyone else), we’d love to hear your
creative ideas! Please visit our “topic blog” at http://thegraycenter.blogspot.com/search/label/Holidays%20and%20Vacations and post your comments and suggestions to help others in our network of friends.
Wishing you all an enjoyable, relatively “stress-free” holiday season!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center
P.S. Just in time for the holidays and New Year: pre-purchase your copy (SIGNED by author Carol Gray) of The New Social Story Book: 10th Anniversary Edition! For only $34.95 you get 150 Social Stories(TM) by Carol Gray, a CD of the Stories enabling you to revise and print them for your audience, and Social Stories 10.1 (instructions for writing your own Social Stories). Find out more, or purchase your copy today (or several to give away) at www.thegraycenter.org! (The book will ship as soon as it is published, sometime in January).
My oldest son has grown more than four inches in less than a year! Although I’m quite tall, he passed me up already last summer, and now stands over six feet two inches (that’s more than 187 centimeters, for those of you who are accustomed to using the metric system). Perhaps the most remarkable thing is that he is only 15 years old, so he is likely to go through a couple of shoe sizes yet before he stops growing. I’m still getting used to looking up at him when I talk to him, or reaching way up for a hug.
A few weeks ago, I asked my son to hang some signs at The Gray Center for an upcoming young adult meeting. When I walked through the halls later, I had to chuckle when I found the signs hanging just a short distance from the ceiling, higher than most people would have looked for directions as they tried to find our office. In hanging the signs, Ben forgot that most people have a different perspective of “eye level” than he does! Similarly, I remember helping a blind student around campus when I was a college student. As he hung onto my arm, we walked from building to building discussing our classes. I occasionally had to apologize to him when I ducked successfully under a low-hanging branch, forgetting that he was unable to see the branch to do the same.
The truth is, we typically operate under an assumption that other people have the same perspective that we do. It takes a conscious effort to remind ourselves that their perspective (physical, emotional, etc.—what I refer to in my “Social Response Pyramid” as “My Context”) will differ from our own because of a difference in age, life experiences, personality, feelings, expectations, abilities, needs, interests, etc.—including the presence of autism, height, or ability to see. Whether we’re teaching, parenting, guiding, befriending, correcting, encouraging, or disciplining, our perspective will naturally differ from another person’s perspective. Keeping this in mind—and making accommodations when necessary—will help all of us to be more effective in our interactions with others!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. This weekend my husband and I worked around the clock with developers, volunteering over 150 “man hours” through GR GiveCamp to develop a new web site for The Gray Center! We hope to unveil the new site soon. We’re incredibly thankful for the time and expertise donated through this event. We hope you will also be inspired to make a donation to The Gray Center. You can give quickly and securely at www.thegraycenter.org. It is only through your generous support that we are able to provide resources such as The SUN News, web site, library, groups, etc. Thank you!
Welcome to The SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
For the last few weeks The SUN News has been looking at the variety of factors that lead to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) when they occur together. In the last few weeks, we’ve covered language and communication differences, behaviors/interests/imagination, and sensory integration. This week, we’re looking at the category of social participation. These SUN News articles do not attempt to fully detail the differences present with a diagnosis of autism, but explain the implications of each area as they relate to interactions with people with ASD.
The differences or delays that are typically identified as being in the social participation area include:
- Initiating and/or sustaining a social interaction
- Turn-taking (reciprocal relationships), whether in activities or conversations
- Adherence to own rituals, rules, and routines (this was also discussed previously)
- Difficulty noticing, understanding, or responding effectively to unwritten social rules
- Emotional regulation, and understanding of emotions in others (and responding effectively)
- Theory of Mind (understanding that others have their own ideas, feelings, interests, etc. and using that information to guide interactions with others)
- Peer to peer relationships (often individuals with ASD have an easier time interacting with people much younger or older than they are, especially during childhood and adolescence)
ASD is often referred to as a “social disability.” Each of the categories described in the last few weeks has social implications. In fact, usually none of the areas considered “diagnostic criteria” are problems for a person with ASD unless he or she is part of a “social context!” For example, “stimming” (hand-flapping, rocking, flicking fingers in front of one’s face) generally occurs when an individual is responding “authentically” to his or her own context. It typically is perceived as necessary and/or comforting. However, when the individual is in school with classmates, or in a crowded restaurant with other diners, suddenly that response doesn’t work with the people around him or her, and the message is conveyed that he or she should stop, replace the response with something that works better with others, or go away for awhile. If a person with ASD is alone, none of the criteria listed above are issues. It’s only when other people, with their own expectations, experiences, feelings, etc. (or their individual contexts, as described in my Social Response Pyramid) are interacting with people with ASD that their differences cause difficulties for each person in the interaction.
What this means is that we cannot simply point to people with ASD as the cause of breakdowns in communication or other social interactions. The rest of us are both part of the problem, and part of the solution! We can continue to ensure that we understand ourselves and how we contribute (either positively or negatively) to any given interaction, and help individuals with ASD do the same. Nick Dubin, author of “Breaking Through Hidden Barriers,” and a young man with Asperger’s, once told me that he is capable of feeling empathy, but on his own, doesn’t always recognize what others are feeling in order to identify with them. Nick Dubin’s books and DVDs, and numerous other resources are available at www.thegraycenter.org to help promote social understanding. Social coaching (a new service provided through The Gray Center) can also help individuals who are interested in becoming more socially effective.
Best wishes as you continue to participate in social interactions with people with ASD—and to help everyone experience and enjoy social success!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
Welcome to The SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
There are a variety of factors that lead to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) when they occur together. In the last couple of weeks, The SUN News has looked at language and communication differences, and behaviors/interests/imagination. This week, we’re looking at the category of sensory integration. This is not part of the “triad of symptoms” originally described by Lorna Wing, but is becoming an increasingly accepted and anticipated facet of ASD. These SUN News articles do not attempt to fully detail the differences present with a diagnosis of autism, but will explain the implications of each area as they relate to interactions with people with ASD.
When a person’s sensory system is not well-integrated, he or she may:
- Have difficulty screening out unnecessary noises, struggle to focus on the important ones, and may sense some sounds as unusually painful
- Have difficulty paying attention to important details without being distracted by tags in clothing, temperature, or other sensory input
- Be intolerant of different textures when eating or touching things
- Slam doors or use too much force in other areas, since the proprioceptive system is not signaling how heavy the door is and how much force is needed
- Walk into things or step on people’s toes, due to a lack of understanding of where his/her body is in space
- Be bothered by too much visual input—fluorescent lighting, too many objects or colors, too much activity or motion
- Stand too close while talking with someone, or complain that someone else is too close, since he/she lacks an awareness of appropriate personal space
- Use a voice that is too loud or too soft for the current social context
- Shut down or melt down, when the sensory system becomes over-stressed
You may or may not have a well-integrated sensory system. But either way, it’s likely that you have developed strategies over the years to keep your system functioning more efficiently and to help yourself stay comfortable. Some people chew gum or drink coffee to stay alert. Some cross their legs while sitting and bounce their foot, or tap their pencil on a desk for additional input or to calm themselves. Some wear gloves when gardening because they don’t like getting their hands dirty, or while cleaning because they don’t like to get their hands wet or dislike the lingering smell of cleaning solution which might remain on their hands.
When we’re working with children, we have a tendency to remove such options which might improve their functioning or help them stay more comfortable. Often we do not allow chewing gum in class, we do not provide gloves for finger-painting, and we tell students to sit still while they’re completing their assignments. Then we’re surprised or frustrated when they have difficulty participating in the activity successfully. Occupational therapists have made great strides in introducing “sensory diets” in classrooms to provide the feedback so many students need, whether swinging, pushing or pulling heavy objects, “brushing” (the Wilbarger method), weighted vests, bouncy seats or balls to sit on while working, etc.
It may be helpful to ask someone with sensory integration dysfunction which sounds, smells, and other sensations are most disturbing to them. You may be able to change the environment to be more conducive to their needs, or provide strategies which would help them be more successful in spite of their challenges.
Books such as “Answers to Questions Teachers Ask About Sensory Integration” and “Understanding Regulation Disorders in Sensory Processing in Children” can be helpful if you’d like more information about this topic. Both are available at www.thegraycenter.org.
Thank you for the work you are doing to promote social understanding and effectiveness with those with ASD
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. Would you like to continue to receive The SUN News every week? Would you like updates on new resources and sales at The Gray Center, and/or would you like to be notified when The Gray Center hosts events and network meetings? Be sure to subscribe at http://eepurl.com/ekqF (where you can choose the updates you prefer to receive) since we’ll soon discontinue use of this current SUN News subscription feature and individual email updates sent by staff!
There are a variety of factors that lead to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) when they occur together. Last week, The SUN News looked at language and communication differences. This week, we’re looking at the category often described as imagination, restricted interests, or behaviors. This is not an attempt to fully detail the differences present with a diagnosis of autism, but to further explain the implications of each area as it relates to interactions with people with ASD.
Many people associate autism with stereotypical behaviors, such as hand-flapping, rocking, or flicking fingers in front of the face. These behaviors are sometimes referred to as “stimming”—an often involuntary response of the individual with ASD to excitement or over-stimulation. For some, these responses fill a need; perhaps calming or reassuring them during times of stress or excitement, or providing additional stimulation when needed. Some individuals with ASD are aware of these responses, and have learned over time (or are learning) to replace them with a response that’s less likely to draw attention to themselves, perhaps holding a “fidget” (or small squeezable or otherwise responsive toy or object), or by sitting on their hands when they’re around other people and sensing a need flap their hands. Since these are generally “authentic responses,” the individuals may not always be aware of them, and may not be able to anticipate or control them. Other people can help by being understanding and accommodating, by helping them to find a time and place to engage in these responses, or helping to find replacement responses as appropriate.
Many people note differences in imagination abilities in people with ASD. It’s not that they don’t have an imagination; rather, they may engage in more realistic imaginative play, or exhibit imaginative abilities within the realm of their special interests, or somehow be more restricted in their imagination. Where this becomes an issue in social interactions is when we recognize that we spend much of our daily lives engaging our imaginations. We imagine what another person’s response might be if we tell a particular joke or a favorite story, we imagine what might happen if we turn in an assignment a day late, or if we’re unable to find our car keys. Many of our responses have first passed an internal “imagination test,” where, through theory of mind (or the ability to imagine what another person knows, thinks, feels, etc.) or other developmental strategies we’ve imagined our own response and how others might respond to it before we do or say something. People with ASD are often missing valuable, relevant social information about themselves and others, and can be helped through Social Stories, Social Behavior Mapping, The Incredible 5-Point Scale, The Hidden Curriculum, The Social Response Pyramid, and many other tools or strategies.
Another aspect of a diagnosis of ASD is “restricted interests.” Often people with ASD have a special interest that is unusual in its focus and intensity. It may be similar to the interests of one’s peers, or vastly different. But this interest (sometimes referred to as a “perseveration”) typically occupies the time, conversations, physical space, and emotional energies of the person with ASD. Although this aspect can make it difficult for parents and professionals to gain the attention of the person who would rather be talking or thinking about an area of special interest, it can also be used for motivation, rewards, and possibly even for a career path. This has been the case for Temple Grandin, author of “The Way I See It” and “Developing Talents,” who has used her love for animals and her incredible ability to think in pictures to become very successful in designing humane livestock handling facilities! Often the rest of us have much to learn from the dedication, loyalty, and significant knowledge that a person with ASD may have acquired about a particular topic.
Lastly, people with ASD are known to adhere to routines and rituals. However, when a person lives in a world full of events and responses that appear random, as is often the case for those with ASD due to their difficulties with generalizing, executive functioning, theory of mind, gestalt processing, sensory integration, etc., it makes sense that they would grasp onto those things in life that are routine, predictable, and comfortable. Schedules, routines, calendars, and clocks can all provide predictability and valuable reassurance for those who struggle to make sense of an otherwise seemingly chaotic environment. We can help by providing advanced notice when things are going to change, using visuals to help guide them through transitions, providing calming strategies, and by recognizing when it might be better to ensure that a comfortable routine can be followed, at least for a time.
Each of the resources mentioned above, along with many others, can be found at www.thegraycenter.org. Thank you for the work you are doing to promote social understanding and social effectiveness!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. West Michigan Young Adult Networks: The Grand Rapids group meets Tuesday, October 20 from 7:30-8:30 (go to www.thegraycenter.org for details on the NEW location). Parents meet at the same time. New Lakeshore Young Adult Network meets Tuesday, November 3 from 7:00-8:00 p.m. at The Gray Center’s new office in Zeeland. Hope to see you there!
My inbox was flooded today with reports that new statistics indicate that one in every 91 American children are now being diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), up from the previously held statistic of one in 150. Yesterday I was asked by a friend, “Can adults have Asperger Syndrome?” As many of you know, the answer is a resounding “YES!” (although apparently they are not counted in the current statistics, nor are the many children who are misdiagnosed or as yet undiagnosed). Children with ASD grow into adults with ASD, although hopefully with lots of help along the way, they are able to move up the spectrum as they grow and develop. They may perhaps “recover” from the diagnosis by functioning like their peers without the diagnosis being a hindrance to their ability to be successful socially. I’ve written about these topics in the past, but thought today would be a good time to focus again more specifically on the diagnosis and what it means to those of us who are working to promote social understanding around the world.
Already years ago I was interviewed by the local media who were putting together a piece on the “appalling increase” in the prevalence of ASD. Personally, I prefer to leave the research and statistics to those who are dedicating their careers to uncovering the cause of autism (or various types of autism corresponding to a variety of causes, which is the current direction of research). Instead, my work focuses on figuring out what to do for those who have ASD, and the many other people in their lives who are impacted by the diagnosis. Rather than throwing our hands in the air in amazement and discouragement, I prefer to simply recognize that every one of us, whether we know it or not, is interacting with people with ASD as we go about our daily lives. And once we acknowledge that, we can further educate ourselves regarding what to look for, and how to enable everyone to experience social success—even those with ASD.
Next week I’ll detail some of the diagnostic criteria for ASD, and describe how it looks in real-life situations. As you ponder the definitions and statistics in the weeks ahead, I hope you’ll keep the following points in mind:
1. Each individual with ASD is first and foremost a person! I am frequently saddened and disappointed when sensational news about the horror of autism overlooks the people who have been labeled with this diagnosis—and who are so very much more than the sum of autistic symptoms! Each one has a personality, strengths, dreams, interests, fears, and challenges, just as we all do. I doubt that any one of us would want to be known by a single solitary label, anymore than a person with ASD could be correctly described or summarized only by the word autism.
2. Autism is often referred to as a “social disability” because the characteristics of ASD have a significant negative impact on a person’s ability to be successful socially. However, not one of us is capable of being social all alone! The definition of social requires two or more people in an interaction. And each of us bears the responsibility for the success of the interaction. I’ve frequently written about social understanding in terms of a teeter-totter. When a lightweight person is sitting on a teeter-totter opposite a heavier person, who bears the blame for the lack of success as they are unable to go up and down and enjoy the activity? I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. Do social interactions break down because one person has autism, or because the other person is unwilling to see things from another’s perspective, to be flexible, to provide additional instruction, and to accept the other’s differences?
The new statistics will be used in the upcoming weeks to generate further funding for research, which may continue to help us better understand the diagnosis and those who are affected by it. However, I hope that the statistics will spur the 8400 people around the world who are reading this article today toward renewed dedication to working toward social effectiveness; providing missing information, helping to connect the dots, appreciating the strengths, and working to meet the various needs of those we interact with each day.
The Gray Center is here to help you do that! At www.thegraycenter.org you can find information about ASD, valuable resources to assist you in your teaching, parenting, and understanding the social world, social coaching, consulting, and more. You can stay in touch with us via Facebook and Twitter, and access our Community Network and topic blogs through our home page.
I hope you’ll take a moment today to reach out to someone with ASD to let him or her know how much you value all that they bring to your life. And lend a helping hand to another parent, teacher, employer, therapist, administrator, etc. who is working to promote social effectiveness in their part of the world. The statistics remind us that every one of us is crucial to the important task of promoting social understanding so that everyone can experience the rewards of being socially successful.
Best wishes in your work around the world!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. Your tax-deductible donations enable The Gray Center to continue to provide information and support for those affected by ASD. You can give safely and quickly online at www.thegraycenter.org. Thank you for your financial support!
Welcome to SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
Daily, we are faced with a multitude of social dilemmas. Should we tell the truth about another person’s appearance, or should we either remain silent or tell a “white lie?” Should we tell someone about something we’ve seen or heard that is bothering us, or would that be “tattling?” Should we go along with what someone is asking us to do, or risk rejection by turning them down? How can we better understand others and interact more effectively with them?
Often, the presence of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) complicates such questions. There may be missing information that needs to be taught before these situations can be addressed successfully. For example, what exactly is a “white lie,” and how is it different from an outright lie? Although we teach and promote honesty, when is it okay (or even socially effective) to tell a white lie? What is the difference between “tattling” and enlisting the help of a responsible adult when faced with a situation that affects someone’s safety or emotional wellbeing? When should we do what others are telling us to do, and how do we judge their intent or protect our own values when their requests go against what we believe or have been instructed?
A social coach can help individuals sort out some of these questions so that they are better equipped to successfully navigate social situations. Social coaching can provide needed instruction, role-playing, a step-by-step plan, and more. A social coach can also assist families who struggle to develop new patterns of interacting with a child who is growing up and needing (but possibly resisting) added responsibilities, opportunities to make their own effective choices, and to experience natural consequences.
Many of us function as social coaches, perhaps without even realizing it. We function as social coaches when we model effective interactions with others (yes, we’re often being watched), when we provide information about the choices we’re making (and the thought process that led to those choices), and when we take time to provide necessary instruction, encouragement, and accountability to others. The process begins in infancy, as parents, grandparents, and childcare providers teach children basic manners along with society’s rules, both spoken and unspoken. It continues throughout our lifetime, as even adults find that we sometimes need gentle correction from trusted friends and family members when we commit social errors. And we all benefit from encouragement whether we’re struggling or things are going well!
Sometimes we’re faced with complicated situations which go beyond our own ability and experience. That’s when it may be helpful to enlist others who may have information to help us get unstuck, or to lead us toward successful outcomes. You may have individuals in your community who can help in that way. The Gray Center also has coaching services available, which you can access by phone or in person. I provide social coaching to help you “get unstuck,” or to determine the next step in a variety of situations, along with “Social Response Pyramid Coaching” if you’d like help using the Pyramid at home, in the classroom, or in any other setting.
If you need someone to walk alongside you to answer pressing questions, help you set goals, and determine an action plan, along with holding you accountable for the choices and the progress you make, go to http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=118. (NOTE: You can receive a discount on coaching and consulting services by signing up soon!)
Coaching, whether it’s done informally or formally, is an important component of promoting social understanding!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org
P.S. The Gray Center has many resources at www.thegraycenter.org which can assist you as you coach others. Be sure to check out resources by Carol Gray, Brenda Smith Myles, Ellen Korin, Cheri Meiners, Kari Dunn Buron, Michelle Garcia Winner, and more, as well as my “Social Response Pyramid” KIT—a perfect opportunity to coach yourself and others in being socially effective!
Welcome to the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
I suppose some people might call me an expert. I’ve achieved many things in life which might earn me that distinction. After hundreds of hours of experience, studies, and the successful completion of an exam, I recently earned the designation of Certified Family Life Educator. I am the Executive Director of The Gray Center, and have been working with this wonderful nonprofit organization for ten years. I am certified as an elementary teacher (and enjoyed some wonderful years in a classroom with engaging students), and have been a parent for over fifteen years. And I have been living and learning on this planet for over forty years.
Yet I would be the first to state unequivocally that I am not an expert!
Perhaps it’s helpful to begin with a definition to make sure we all have the same understanding of what it means to be an expert. Dictionaries tend to define expert as “someone with special skill or knowledge.” Under that definition, I suppose we would all find some area in which we could claim expertise.
My reluctance to view myself as an expert does not mean that I deny or do not appreciate the special skills and knowledge that I have acquired over the years. Instead, I identify closely with a quote from Henry Ford, well-known contributor to the automotive industry in America. He is reputed to have said this: “None of our men are ‘experts.’ We have most unfortunately found it necessary to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert–because no one ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the ‘expert’ state of mind a great number of things become impossible.”
I am always learning! In fact, I find that the more I know, the more I realize I don’t know. I am always changing “my CONTEXT”, the strategies available to me, my understanding of the social context and my effect on it, and the choices available to me for socially effective responses (I explain these terms more in my “Social Response Pyramid” resources, available at www.thegraycenter.org ). If viewing myself as an “expert” will raise me—in my own mind or that of others—to a status of one who has “arrived,” and knows enough to stop learning, then I don’t plan to ever achieve that distinction. Instead, I view myself realistically as someone who has an opportunity to learn from every interaction with every individual whom I meet, whether for a long time or a brief contact. I am a learner, in the process of becoming better educated about myself and those around me. The possibilities for myself and the other learners I encounter are truly endless!
I have been privileged through my work at The Gray Center to learn from many of you. Thank you for your emails, phone conversations, and the visits we’ve had over the years! I have also had many opportunities to share some of what I’ve learned along the way, through our web site and this SUN News feature, through emails and visits, and through the speaking that I’ve done at in-services and other workshops. Soon, you’ll have an opportunity to meet with me for “social coaching,” or “Social Response Pyramid(TM) coaching,” which I’ll describe in greater detail in our upcoming Gray Center Spotlight article.
I hope you’ll use our new topic blog at http://thegraycenter.blogspot.com/ to share your ideas and information with other visitors, and stay in touch with The Gray Center and each other through Facebook and Twitter. Together we can provide valuable information and support to help ourselves and others achieve and celebrate success!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. If you’re in the West Michigan area, please join us Thursday, October 1 from 4-8 p.m. for our FREE autism expo! More details are available at www.thegraycenter.org.
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Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding www.thegraycenter.org
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