My oldest son has grown more than four inches in less than a year! Although I’m quite tall, he passed me up already last summer, and now stands over six feet two inches (that’s more than 187 centimeters, for those of you who are accustomed to using the metric system). Perhaps the most remarkable thing is that he is only 15 years old, so he is likely to go through a couple of shoe sizes yet before he stops growing. I’m still getting used to looking up at him when I talk to him, or reaching way up for a hug.
A few weeks ago, I asked my son to hang some signs at The Gray Center for an upcoming young adult meeting. When I walked through the halls later, I had to chuckle when I found the signs hanging just a short distance from the ceiling, higher than most people would have looked for directions as they tried to find our office. In hanging the signs, Ben forgot that most people have a different perspective of “eye level” than he does! Similarly, I remember helping a blind student around campus when I was a college student. As he hung onto my arm, we walked from building to building discussing our classes. I occasionally had to apologize to him when I ducked successfully under a low-hanging branch, forgetting that he was unable to see the branch to do the same.
The truth is, we typically operate under an assumption that other people have the same perspective that we do. It takes a conscious effort to remind ourselves that their perspective (physical, emotional, etc.—what I refer to in my “Social Response Pyramid” as “My Context”) will differ from our own because of a difference in age, life experiences, personality, feelings, expectations, abilities, needs, interests, etc.—including the presence of autism, height, or ability to see. Whether we’re teaching, parenting, guiding, befriending, correcting, encouraging, or disciplining, our perspective will naturally differ from another person’s perspective. Keeping this in mind—and making accommodations when necessary—will help all of us to be more effective in our interactions with others!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. This weekend my husband and I worked around the clock with developers, volunteering over 150 “man hours” through GR GiveCamp to develop a new web site for The Gray Center! We hope to unveil the new site soon. We’re incredibly thankful for the time and expertise donated through this event. We hope you will also be inspired to make a donation to The Gray Center. You can give quickly and securely at www.thegraycenter.org. It is only through your generous support that we are able to provide resources such as The SUN News, web site, library, groups, etc. Thank you!
Welcome to The SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
For the last few weeks The SUN News has been looking at the variety of factors that lead to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) when they occur together. In the last few weeks, we’ve covered language and communication differences, behaviors/interests/imagination, and sensory integration. This week, we’re looking at the category of social participation. These SUN News articles do not attempt to fully detail the differences present with a diagnosis of autism, but explain the implications of each area as they relate to interactions with people with ASD.
The differences or delays that are typically identified as being in the social participation area include:
- Initiating and/or sustaining a social interaction
- Turn-taking (reciprocal relationships), whether in activities or conversations
- Adherence to own rituals, rules, and routines (this was also discussed previously)
- Difficulty noticing, understanding, or responding effectively to unwritten social rules
- Emotional regulation, and understanding of emotions in others (and responding effectively)
- Theory of Mind (understanding that others have their own ideas, feelings, interests, etc. and using that information to guide interactions with others)
- Peer to peer relationships (often individuals with ASD have an easier time interacting with people much younger or older than they are, especially during childhood and adolescence)
ASD is often referred to as a “social disability.” Each of the categories described in the last few weeks has social implications. In fact, usually none of the areas considered “diagnostic criteria” are problems for a person with ASD unless he or she is part of a “social context!” For example, “stimming” (hand-flapping, rocking, flicking fingers in front of one’s face) generally occurs when an individual is responding “authentically” to his or her own context. It typically is perceived as necessary and/or comforting. However, when the individual is in school with classmates, or in a crowded restaurant with other diners, suddenly that response doesn’t work with the people around him or her, and the message is conveyed that he or she should stop, replace the response with something that works better with others, or go away for awhile. If a person with ASD is alone, none of the criteria listed above are issues. It’s only when other people, with their own expectations, experiences, feelings, etc. (or their individual contexts, as described in my Social Response Pyramid) are interacting with people with ASD that their differences cause difficulties for each person in the interaction.
What this means is that we cannot simply point to people with ASD as the cause of breakdowns in communication or other social interactions. The rest of us are both part of the problem, and part of the solution! We can continue to ensure that we understand ourselves and how we contribute (either positively or negatively) to any given interaction, and help individuals with ASD do the same. Nick Dubin, author of “Breaking Through Hidden Barriers,” and a young man with Asperger’s, once told me that he is capable of feeling empathy, but on his own, doesn’t always recognize what others are feeling in order to identify with them. Nick Dubin’s books and DVDs, and numerous other resources are available at www.thegraycenter.org to help promote social understanding. Social coaching (a new service provided through The Gray Center) can also help individuals who are interested in becoming more socially effective.
Best wishes as you continue to participate in social interactions with people with ASD—and to help everyone experience and enjoy social success!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
Welcome to SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
Daily, we are faced with a multitude of social dilemmas. Should we tell the truth about another person’s appearance, or should we either remain silent or tell a “white lie?” Should we tell someone about something we’ve seen or heard that is bothering us, or would that be “tattling?” Should we go along with what someone is asking us to do, or risk rejection by turning them down? How can we better understand others and interact more effectively with them?
Often, the presence of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) complicates such questions. There may be missing information that needs to be taught before these situations can be addressed successfully. For example, what exactly is a “white lie,” and how is it different from an outright lie? Although we teach and promote honesty, when is it okay (or even socially effective) to tell a white lie? What is the difference between “tattling” and enlisting the help of a responsible adult when faced with a situation that affects someone’s safety or emotional wellbeing? When should we do what others are telling us to do, and how do we judge their intent or protect our own values when their requests go against what we believe or have been instructed?
A social coach can help individuals sort out some of these questions so that they are better equipped to successfully navigate social situations. Social coaching can provide needed instruction, role-playing, a step-by-step plan, and more. A social coach can also assist families who struggle to develop new patterns of interacting with a child who is growing up and needing (but possibly resisting) added responsibilities, opportunities to make their own effective choices, and to experience natural consequences.
Many of us function as social coaches, perhaps without even realizing it. We function as social coaches when we model effective interactions with others (yes, we’re often being watched), when we provide information about the choices we’re making (and the thought process that led to those choices), and when we take time to provide necessary instruction, encouragement, and accountability to others. The process begins in infancy, as parents, grandparents, and childcare providers teach children basic manners along with society’s rules, both spoken and unspoken. It continues throughout our lifetime, as even adults find that we sometimes need gentle correction from trusted friends and family members when we commit social errors. And we all benefit from encouragement whether we’re struggling or things are going well!
Sometimes we’re faced with complicated situations which go beyond our own ability and experience. That’s when it may be helpful to enlist others who may have information to help us get unstuck, or to lead us toward successful outcomes. You may have individuals in your community who can help in that way. The Gray Center also has coaching services available, which you can access by phone or in person. I provide social coaching to help you “get unstuck,” or to determine the next step in a variety of situations, along with “Social Response Pyramid Coaching” if you’d like help using the Pyramid at home, in the classroom, or in any other setting.
If you need someone to walk alongside you to answer pressing questions, help you set goals, and determine an action plan, along with holding you accountable for the choices and the progress you make, go to http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=118. (NOTE: You can receive a discount on coaching and consulting services by signing up soon!)
Coaching, whether it’s done informally or formally, is an important component of promoting social understanding!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org
P.S. The Gray Center has many resources at www.thegraycenter.org which can assist you as you coach others. Be sure to check out resources by Carol Gray, Brenda Smith Myles, Ellen Korin, Cheri Meiners, Kari Dunn Buron, Michelle Garcia Winner, and more, as well as my “Social Response Pyramid” KIT—a perfect opportunity to coach yourself and others in being socially effective!
Welcome to the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
“I don’t like that man. I’m going to have to get to know him better.” I came across this quote recently, attributed to early American president Abraham Lincoln. Do you have someone in your life who fits this description? What can we do to understand—and possibly improve our appreciation for—another person? One way is to utilize my “Social Response Pyramid(TM)” by asking ourselves the following questions:
Author Max Lucado has written, “…patience always hitches a ride with understanding.” Increasing our understanding of other people may or may not help us like them, but it is likely to increase our patience with them, and to help us interact more effectively with them.
Best wishes as you work at better understanding those with whom you live, work, play, study, and interact!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. You can find more information about each of the areas described in this article in my DVD workshops, “The Social Response Pyramid” and “Bridging the Gap.” They and the Social Response Pyramid KIT (which contains Pyramid pieces and an instructional/demonstration DVD) are on SALE this week at The Gray Center, along with all the other resources (by Carol Gray, Sondra Williams, Michelle Winner, and Kari Dunn Buron) mentioned in this article! You can use the search feature at www.thegraycenter.org to find each resource. Hurry—sale ends Friday!
Welcome to SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network! Following is an article I originally wrote in 2007. Since sensory issues can be a factor in students’ ability to focus and to respond effectively in a school setting, the end of summer is a good time to revisit the topic.
It is likely you have heard of sensory integration. In a few words, sensory integration is the brain’s ability to process information taken in through the senses to screen out unnecessary input and “make sense of the rest” to aid in decision-making and appropriate responses to and interactions with our environment. But what does sensory integration have to do with social understanding?
When in a crowded room, whether it’s a classroom, gymnasium, restaurant, or store, a person with sensory integration difficulties may not be able to focus on just one thing. Instead, his or her senses are bombarded by all the surrounding sights, sounds, sensations, and smells. Rather obvious social implications accompany an inability to focus on a private conversation, or the instructions of a teacher in the front of the room, or the calls of a referee.
People who experience various sensations very keenly—whether it’s temperature, tags in clothing or clothing textures, or the firmness of touch—will encounter social difficulties when they are required to dress in a manner that is uncomfortable for them, or when they get jostled in line while waiting for the bank teller or the drinking fountain. Difficulties with the proprioceptive system can cause individuals to use too much force to close a door or to tap a friend on the shoulder. We’ve likely all experienced occasional negative effects of this either at home, school, or in the workplace!
And the compelling need that some of these individuals have to move–or to experience as many sensations as possible in a short amount of time (or, conversely, to avoid these things at all costs)–can affect the social interactions of these individuals as well as those around them.
While we work to teach social understanding, sometimes individuals have all the information and “rules” needed to carry out a social task, but they simply cannot provide adequate or appropriate responses due to the fact that their brains and bodies are focused on immediate sensory input and needs instead. A true social understanding approach will take into consideration the effect that difficulty with sensory processing has on behaviors and responses.
For help understanding and responding to sensory integration dysfunction, I recommend the book, “Understanding Regulation Disorders of Sensory Processing in Children.” My “Social Response Pyramid(TM) KIT” contains an instructional DVD showing me working with my own children to describe how sensory dysfunction and strong emotions can get us “stuck” and unable to access strategies for interacting effectively with others. The tool is helpful for staying calm and identifying choices that will help move us in the right direction. Both resources (and many more) are available at www.thegraycenter.org.
If you wish, you may share your own suggestions and strategies on our topic blog at http://thegraycenter.blogspot.com/. Thank you for your help in promoting social understanding around the world!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
Following is an article I originally wrote a couple of years ago.
Recently my 4-year-old daughter called me into her room to examine her clock radio. She proudly announced, “It says, ‘N-A-P! That spells nap!’ While I was excited for her that she was able to read this new word, I was also extremely disgusted. Although I’ve had successful experiences with numerous clock radios over the years, this one has me stumped! It doesn’t help that the instructional manual is long gone, probably discarded with the packaging material years ago. After being unsuccessful with various attempts at canceling the nap feature, I finally turned the volume way down and hoped it wouldn’t cause any problems later in the night. About 20 minutes after my daughter went to bed, she suddenly ran upstairs screaming, “My clock is beeping, Mom!” Fortunately, once the feature had been activated, I was able to shut it off, and the word nap no longer appeared on the display. Unfortunately, I learned nothing from the experience that will help me to resolve this issue the next time it happens!
It strikes me that each child in our families and classrooms is somewhat like this clock radio. Not one of them comes with an instructional manual. And while many of us have extensive experience with children (much of it successful), sometimes we feel as though nothing could prepare us for a specific problem or question with which we are currently faced. And often, even after working through that problem or question, we feel as though we don’t know what worked, or why it worked. Many of us may feel like John Wilmot, to whom this quote is attributed: Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.
At my house, when I struggle with electronics, I go to the experts for assistance–my sons! Somehow, whether they’re using the remote, VCR or DVD player, digital camera, computer, or microwave, they don’t seem to need the instructional manuals which I’ve misplaced! Similarly, there’s often value in going to others for assistance with life’s difficulties, whether it’s a parenting issue, a classroom problem, or a struggling friendship or other relationship. Sometimes the experiences of others give them unique insight that will help us get “unstuck,” or provide a new way of looking at situations.
There is tremendous value in recognizing, and even acknowledging to others, that we do not have all the answers. Alexander Pope once said, “A man should never be ashamed to own he has been wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.” At The Gray Center, we believe it’s important to connect with others to share experiences and ideas. We receive daily e-mails from around the world, asking for advice and affirmation, or sharing stories and ideas, as people work to promote social understanding with and on behalf of individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD). We hope not only that you will keep writing to us, but that you will continue to network with others so that you can share your expertise, support each other through difficult times, and encourage each other in the valuable work you are doing.
Although there is no “one size fits all” instructional manual for the individuals with whom you live and work, we’ve compiled some great resources to assist you. You can find those at www.thegraycenter.org. Note that many are still on sale as we wrap up our fiscal year and complete our move to our new office. Your tax-deductible donations at this time are particularly appreciated as we work to develop programming at our new location and resume a higher level of staffing (donations can be made safely and quickly online at www.thegraycenter.org).
Best wishes in your continued work of promoting social understanding! Friends and family can sign up to receive these weekly articles at www.thegraycenter.org.
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. My new “Social Response Pyramid Instructional Kit” is now available, and can be purchased online at www.thegraycenter.org! The kit contains all that you need to begin using the Pyramid at home or in the classroom, including a 55 minute instructional DVD and Pyramid and context pieces.
In past issues of The SUN News, I have mentioned the importance of boundaries. There have been many resources written on this topic, most notably for me those by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, and Jane Adams. In reading a book by the latter, I came across the term, “boundary intelligence.” It’s a fascinating concept; one which I can perhaps explain best through the use of an analogy.
I would guess that most homes have an “official entrance,” whether it’s a front door, side door, or back door. Both family members and guests enter through that door. Close relations might have keys, more distant friends and relatives, as well as strangers, use the doorbell or politely knock, and then wait to see if the owners will give them access to the home. The official entrance is a way of indicating ownership of all that lies within the walls of the home. The homeowner has both rights and responsibilities regarding everything inside that entrance, and the door allows them to protect those.
Individuals who do not respect those physical boundaries, and attempt to gain access to a home without following these guidelines, often end up being charged with a crime. If they break a window, force a lock, or enter through an unlocked door in the dark of night without the permission of the homeowner, we would say that they have gained “unlawful entry.” We expect that they will bear the consequences of that decision to disregard the homeowner’s boundaries by paying a fine, performing community service, or even doing some jail time.
People who have healthy personal boundaries (and good “boundary intelligence”) have a figurative “official entrance.” They are aware of their own rights and responsibilities, and those of others, and are careful to safeguard all of them. Unfortunately, not everyone respects those boundaries. There are those who disregard the “front door” of a potential relationship with a person, and instead, seek alternate ways to gain entry.
What does this look like in the real world?
Those who have healthy boundaries can be noted by their ability to exercise self-control, to accept responsibility for their own choices, and to be respectful of the rights, responsibilities, and perspectives of others.
What about those who seek alternate ways to gain access to such people? Think of those who do not respect other people’s “no,” whether it’s in a dating relationship, a situation or discussion between colleagues, spouses, or siblings, or an altercation on the playground or in the classroom. There are also those who try to control a person indirectly through another relationship—perhaps through the other parent, or through a sibling, through a therapist, or through a mutual friend. It’s easy to recognize that boundaries are being violated in the case of bullying or abuse. But there can also be boundary issues between a parent and child, or teacher and student, who are struggling to find balance in their relationship, with the right amount of authority, obedience, responsibilities, and consequences.
My new resource, “The Social Response Pyramid(TM) Instructional Kit,” contains an instructional DVD with a real-life video clip of a boundary discussion I had with my son. It’s important to understand the differences between ourselves as individuals, and the rights and responsibilities that we each have—and to take ownership of resulting consequences. The Pyramid provides a visual representation of boundaries, in that each of us is represented by a well-defined Pyramid containing our own contexts (what we know, feel, expect, remember, believe, are able to do, etc.), our own strategies, and our own responses. This is distinct from those around us, who also have their own boundaries defining their contexts, strategies, and responses. The next step is figuring out how to safeguard our boundaries, for the sake of ourselves and those with whom we live and work.
While “boundary intelligence” refers to the varying degrees of understanding and application of boundaries that are part of who we are as individuals, the concept of boundaries can also be taught and reinforced. It’s important to talk about different people’s responsibilities, and provide consistent reinforcement through our voiced expectations and natural consequences.
Best wishes as you work to promote boundary intelligence with those with whom you live and work—as well as yourself!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
I’ve often written about my educational tool, “The Social Response Pyramid(TM).” I know that some of you as far away as Australia and the UK have used this tool in your own work and parenting. Until recently, I had primarily used the Pyramid in my presenting and teaching to help parents and professionals better understand how people (including those with autism spectrum disorders, or ASD) process input and respond to it, as well as how various popular teaching strategies (including Social Stories, Social Behavior Mapping, The Incredible 5-Point Scale, and The Planner Guide) can be used to help guide students (and ourselves) toward more socially effective responses.
Last week I promised to tell you more about how my family is working on taking responsibility for our own responses so that we can enjoy our relationships. Several months ago, my family and I decided to commit to using the Pyramid regularly for a week, to see how it worked for us. Many weeks later, we’re still using it regularly! Sometimes my husband or I will tell our kids, “We need to have a Pyramid discussion about this situation.” Other times one of the three kids will suggest it. The results have been very interesting for all of us! We’ve been very pleased (and sometimes surprised) to discover the following:
- The tool works well for all of us, from the seven-year-old to the middle-aged family members (and even reluctant teens have found that it’s beneficial!)
- It’s a tool that’s inexpensive, fast, easy to use, and very effective. It only takes a couple of minutes to have a “Pyramid discussion,” but it almost instantly calms frayed nerves and helps individuals articulate what they were thinking, why they responded the way they did, why their response did or didn’t work, and what different choices they could make in the future. They’re also able to find a way to begin to repair a relationship as they handle a situation which involved conflict. Instead of me telling my kids why they shouldn’t make a certain choice, or what to do about a negative situation, they’re able to come up with that information—and implement it– themselves.
- It’s a whole lot more effective to use the Pyramid to generate socially effective responses than it is to muddle through an interaction using “authentic responses” like yelling, reprimanding, crying, etc. For years I’ve been telling my children to “use their words” when they’re upset or when they want something. This tool gives them an opportunity to do that with terminology that we all understand and can identify with. (It also helps me deal more effectively with their sibling conflicts without getting frustrated or upset).
- It’s been surprising how often we have all the information we need to be socially effective, but our own thoughts, needs, perceptions, or emotions keep us from accessing that information when we respond to others. The Pyramid helps us stop to think through what we’re doing or saying, with the result being that we all get along better!
- We are not the only ones who have noticed a difference in our interactions with each other. Visitors (including the kids’ friends) have asked about the Pyramid pieces lying around or the Pyramid-related comments that we make to each other, and have wanted to learn more about what we’re doing. They quickly begin using the same terminology, and are able to grasp the concepts well in order to participate in our discussions.
Our whole family has been learning a lot, and we’re eager to share the information that we’ve gleaned with all of you! I’ve posted a few video clips of our family Pyramid discussions on YouTube (just do a search on “Laurel Falvo.”) I now have a KIT available for purchase at www.thegraycenter.org, which will give you all that you need to implement the tool as soon as you receive it. The kit contains an instructional DVD (with more information about social effectiveness and several examples of real-life discussions I’ve had with my children, illustrating what can be done with the Pyramid), two laminated contexts, templates for creating your own Pyramid pieces (just cut out, color, and laminate if desired), and an additional instruction sheet.
Last time I presented on The Social Response Pyramid(TM), one person asked, “Is that being done in every school, because it should be!” I informed him that it’s not being done yet because very few people know about it. I’m hoping that as you become more familiar with the tool, you’ll provide feedback that will guide my work in developing new resources related to the Pyramid. Please feel free to email me your suggestions or your stories about how you’re using the Pyramid, or complete and mail the feedback form contained in the Pyramid kit. My goal is that the Pyramid would be a tool that helps all of us interact more effectively with each other, so that we can enjoy all our relationships!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. You can now purchase the Social Response Pyramid KIT on our web site. This brand new resource will be ready to ship by June 30!
Several months ago, I married a sailor. I had no sailing experience; in fact, I had no desire to sail. Needless to say, I am now interested in sailing, although I have a lot to learn!
A couple of weeks ago our family took a “maiden voyage” on Lake Erie (one of the Great Lakes on Michigan’s coastline.) It was quite an experience! As I learn more about sailing, I realize that this activity has many parallels with daily life:
- Life on a sailboat, from sailing to sleeping, is lived in very close quarters. Much of our everyday lives also puts us in sometimes closer than desired contact with other people, making it difficult to find time for ourselves, stressing our patience, and making it incredibly important that we utilize all the strategies available to us in order to respond effectively to those around us.
- Sailing takes place within a “rectangular social context.” I use this term with my Social Response Pyramid(TM) to indicate times when we may feel like we’re alone on the open water, but are in fact sharing space with others, and need to be thinking about them and producing effective responses. On this past sailing expedition, while we were under sail, a fishing boat turned into our path. It was a sudden reminder that we were not alone, and even though we had the right-of-way, we needed to take evasive maneuvers to avoid a collision. In life, even when we think we’re acting alone, whether we’re shopping alone in a crowded shopping mall, or walking through school hallways on the way to class, we need to be ready to change our responses to ensure that they work with those around us.
- It’s difficult to predict when you’ll have rough sailing. After spending a night in a peaceful little bay on Kelleys Island, we headed out onto the big lake. The four to six foot waves were much larger than we had expected, making us feel a little queasy, and causing us to change our strategies (we motored instead of sailing, and used a sea anchor to hold the stern of the boat steady). Life is like that. When we get up in the morning, we often don’t know what the day will hold, but need to adjust as we go, being thankful for the calmer moments, and prepared for the more turbulent ones.
- “Auto-pilot” doesn’t work when you’re under sail. While my husband adjusted the sails, my job was to run the tiller. The tiller is attached to the rudder, which moves back and forth to steer the boat toward the destination. As a novice sailor, I was surprised to find that this job requires a constant re-adjustment of the tiller. As the wind blows against the sails, adjusting the tiller too far one way deflates the sails and makes the boat lose power. Over-adjusting in the other direction causes the sailboat to heel, or tip way to one side. Trying to hold the tiller in one place is impossible as the wind and waves tug at the rudder. Often in our everyday lives we would like to think we could use a favorite teaching strategy, or select one goal for ourselves or those with whom we live and work. But as we go through life, we find that the strategies we use and the goals we develop need to be constantly re-adjusted in order to meet changing needs and available resources.
- The vessel is sea-worthy. Novice sailors such as my children and I tend to be overly concerned about every movement of the boat, especially as it heels (or tips) toward the water. Noises through the night such as a rope clanging against the mast, or the centerboard bumping under the hull, can cause some sleeplessness as we wonder whether the boat is still securely held by the anchor or is ready to crash into the nearby rocks. Through experience, we’re learning that the boat was built to withstand the wind and waves, and we become more comfortable adjusting our position (and thoughts) while we’re sailing, or going to sleep in spite of the new sounds and sensations. In real life, we often become easily frustrated or anxious when we face stressors of various kinds. Usually we manage to eventually navigate safely through those to “calmer waters” of comfortable routines and less stressful situations.
- The adventure and thrill of learning and experiencing new things is worth the occasional trepidation and frustration that comes with sailing, whether through water or through daily life! It’s been my experience that autism spectrum disorders (ASD) can sometimes produce turbulence in the lives of parents, teachers, and even individuals with the diagnosis. It may occasionally feel like you’re struggling to achieve your goals or to stay afloat in your parenting, work, and daily living. Yet I also know first-hand the tremendous thrill of living and working with, as well as learning from, those who have autism or Asperger Syndrome. Their unique perspectives and responses can sometimes be as refreshing as a day of sailing in bright sunshine and warm breezes!
Are you interested in sailing? My husband recently published a book detailing his experiences sailing on Lake Michigan. He has donated several copies of “South Manitou Delight” to The Gray Center to make available to you. The book can be purchased at www.thegraycenter.org, and 100% of the proceeds will enable The Gray Center to continue to provide autism information and support!
As summer approaches, my family and I hope to spend more time on the sail boat. I’m sure I’ll be thinking about more ways that sailing parallels the experiences that life brings my way. I hope that as you navigate the experiences of your daily lives, you’ll value both the calm waters and the more thrilling sailing conditions, being thankful for the calm when it’s there, and ready to face more stressful challenges as they arise.
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. This week you have an opportunity to create your own SALE at www.thegraycenter.org! Just use coupon code DUCK09 when you check out, and you’ll automatically save 10% on your entire order. It’s our way of saying “thanks” for supporting us through our ten years of working to promote social understanding!
Last week I wrote about social effectiveness, and the importance of keeping “socially effective responses” as our primary goal in interacting with others. I mentioned the difference between what I call “authentic responses,” and those which are socially effective.
An authentic response is one that we generate without thinking. It’s a genuine response to how we’re feeling, what we know, what we’ve experienced in the past, what we’re expecting, what our abilities and current needs are, etc. It stems from who we are as individuals at that given moment in time. One person’s authentic response to a situation may be completely different than another person’s authentic response to the same situation. And in fact, one person’s authentic responses may change over time or with changed circumstances. Consider this: What would you do or say if you stubbed your toe while walking? That’s an authentic response—a genuine response to pain and surprise. Depending on the level of pain, or how tired or stressed you are, or your current favorite vocabulary for expressing pain and surprise, your authentic response may be different on one day than it is on another. But it’s not likely to be exactly the same as everyone else around you.
Sometimes, authentic responses work very well! If we’re alone at home and stub a toe while walking, that particular word we utter may work for us; it may make us feel a little better, even if it doesn’t exactly remove the pain. But if we utilize the same authentic response in other social contexts, for example, a crowded board room as members are gathered to review our performance, or walking into a crowded concert hall or theater after the performance has started, it’s not likely to work with the other people gathered around us, which in turn affects how they think about us and interact with us. We may respond authentically to a funny joke by laughing out loud. This may work effectively to get others to laugh along with us. However, if this happens in the middle of math class when we’re supposed to be listening to the teacher or working quietly on an assignment, it isn’t likely to be socially effective; in fact, it may get us into trouble! An authentic response used in the wrong social context is not likely to help us be socially effective!
A socially effective response is one which utilizes the strategies available to us, combined with an awareness and understanding of those around us, to choose a response that’s likely to work with the other people in our current social context.
I believe that in general, there are two basic types of social contexts. When using The Social Response Pyramid(TM) in my parenting and educating, I represent these with two shapes: a circle and a rectangle. (These are not to be taken literally in terms of their shape; instead, they represent a type of interaction). The circular social context is when we are deliberately interacting with other people. This context occurs at the dinner table when family or friends are gathered to eat and converse, in class when a teacher is interacting with students, and in a staff meeting at a school, business, or organization. In this type of social context, people may more readily see the need to be thinking about others in the interaction, and responding in a way that works for both themselves and others. When we are truly alone, we are not being social, and therefore are not part of a social context. However, there are times when we may think we’re alone, without considering the fact that we’re actually part of another type of social context, which I represent with a rectangle. This is when we’re acting alone (in our bedroom doing homework when our family is downstairs, or walking through a shopping mall without talking to anyone), when in fact we’re surrounded by other people who we need to be thinking about to ensure that we can still be socially effective.
Notice that as I define it, a social context isn’t a physical location; it’s a type of interaction! In other words, it’s more about people than place. A circular social context can be found at school as four students are working on a group project, deciding what their topic will be, dividing up the work, coming together to discuss their results, etc. It can also be found when a cluster of students is gathered in the hallway to talk about what they did last night. A social context represented by a rectangle can also found at school, as students pass each other, walking through the halls toward their next class, or as they sit in study hall, each working on their own homework. (Note that there can be overlapping or co-existing social contexts; one or more circular contexts within a rectangular one, or some people interacting closely, with others sharing the same space, but not interacting with them.)
Obviously, people differ from one another in their ability to adequately “read” and respond effectively to the social context. One hallmark of autism spectrum disorders (ASD) is that people with this diagnosis struggle with this. Their challenges in the areas of executive functioning, theory of mind, emotional/social intelligence, boundary intelligence, gestalt processing, etc. create gaps in their ability to make necessary connections with others and experience social success. But they’re not the only ones who experience challenges and gaps in these areas! Although these “building blocks of social development” develop throughout our lives, different people develop them at different rates, and to different degrees. Our age, experiences, personality, abilities, preconceived ideas, sensory and other needs, and more, can all affect our understanding of the social context (and our connection to it) and our ability to produce socially effective responses.
Would you like more information about how we can increase understanding of social contexts? We still have a limited number of DVD copies of my recent workshop presentation “Bridging the Gap” available for purchase on our web site.
Fortunately, we all have the wonderful capacity to continue learning. And we all have ongoing opportunities to better understand ourselves and others, and to continue working toward being socially effective!
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. The Gray Center’s main office is moving, and you have a chance to benefit! Rather than move boxes of DVDs and books, we’re giving you an opportunity to purchase them at a significant discount. Check out the “SALES” section of our web site at www.thegraycenter.org. Hurry—some are being discontinued, and will only be available until our last copy is sold!
About author
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding www.thegraycenter.org
Search
Navigation
Categories:
Links:
Archives:
Feeds
Theme: Supposedly Clean by Alvin Woon. Blog at WordPress.com.
