Gray Center SUN News

Are you often appalled by the “inappropriate behavior” that you witness in school, at home, or out in the community? Do you struggle to teach others how to “behave appropriately?”

I believe that the vocabulary we use to make sense of our social environment affects both our understanding of people and situations, as well as the way we respond to them. That’s why I make a point to learn about the meanings of words–both as defined in a dictionary, as well as contrived through everyday use.

The two words contained in the title of today’s article are prime examples of this. Let’s start with “behavior.” Many dictionary definitions focus on the end result when they define behavior. They employ terms such as, “observable activity, demeanor, manner,” etc. I think that our common usage of the word “behavior” is generally consistent with these ideas. We tend to view others’ actions as isolated, visible activities. If we assign any hint of prior action to it, we typically assign a choice. In other words, we often believe that people “choose” to “behave” a certain way. Of course, we’re more likely to do this with negative behaviors than positive ones, especially with a person who frequently “misbehaves!” The most insightful information I found was from the American Heritage Dictionary, which stated, after giving synonyms for behavior, “These nouns all pertain to a person’s actions as they constitute a means of evaluation by others.” Note that “behavior” as defined in this way, depends very much on the person doing the observing!

The word “appropriate” has a similar twist to it. A common definition for this word contains something like this, “suitable for a particular person or place or condition etc;” Who determines what’s appropriate for a given situation? The implication is that others determine that!

Both words in the title of this article, “Appropriate Behavior,” empower the audience, or “others,” and remove control of the situation from those doing the acting. I believe there’s a better alternative!

Buried in some of the definitions of “behavior” is the word, “reaction.” What this implies is that there’s an antecedent for the behavior; that the observable action is in response to something else. In fact, whether or not an action was based on a conscious choice, a “behavior” is usually a response to input. That’s why I prefer to use the term “response” as opposed to “behavior,” since it reminds us that there’s a lot going on under the surface prior to the “tip of the iceberg” end result that we’re able to observe.

And since the word “appropriate” can leave the judgment of others’ actions completely in the eyes of the beholder, I prefer the term, “effective.” A response either works, or it doesn’t, or in the words of the dictionary, “effective” means, “adequate to accomplish a purpose.” Effective responses lead us toward a goal, whether the goal is getting a job done or interacting successfully with others.

Look how a change in our vocabulary can positively affect the way we interact with others! If Tom refuses to raise his hand in class and frequently interrupts, in spite of frequent admonitions from the teacher, recognizing his actions as a “response” leads us to question what information he might be missing about classroom expectations (and the purpose for those), as well as the effect that his actions has on others. We can also help him to understand how raising his hand to ask a question (or to provide an answer to the teacher’s question) helps him to be more “socially effective,” along with the teacher and the other students in the class. Raising his hand is both a strategy and a response as defined by my “Social Response Pyramid(TM).” Tom’s overall goal is to be socially effective, but in this case, it is more narrowly defined as either getting necessary information, or giving relevant information. His raising his hand “works” (or is effective) in this particular environment given the other people in the room and their expectations for him and the others in that context.

Rather than bemoaning Tom’s “inappropriate behavior” of interrupting throughout the instructional time, we can instead help him to generate a “socially effective response”–one that empowers him as an active participant in the success of everyone in the social context of his classroom.

We are all capable of producing ineffective responses, whether or not they are related to conscious choices. And all of us have done things that could be described as “inappropriate behavior”–if you don’t believe, me, ask your parents (or your children)! Yet I think it can be much more helpful in our work of promoting social understanding to focus on “effective responses” rather than “appropriate behaviors.” (Feel free to comment on this article here. Whether you agree or disagree, your comments and insights are always welcome!) If you’d like more information about the Social Response Pyramid(TM), I’ve posted a new downloadable diagram which you can access for free at http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=84.

Best wishes as you work to produce socially effective responses, and to enable others to do the same!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. If you’re trying to help children or adolescents work toward more effective responses, you might be interested in the following resources: “How to Handle a Hard to Handle Kid,” “Solving Behavior Problems in Autism,” “How to be Yourself in a World That’s Different,” and “Achieving Best Behavior.” (The latter does a fabulous job of guiding parents and professionals to accurately examine the individual context of the child in order to help them develop more effective responses). All of these resources, and many more, can be found at www.thegraycenter.org.

A popular TV commercial questioning, “What’s in YOUR wallet?” has attempted to convince people that the credit card they carry in their wallet can drastically affect the outcome of the situations they encounter. In a similar way, I believe that our social repertoire (or “social toolbox”) can help to determine whether or not we will be socially effective in our interactions with others.

Our social toolbox consists primarily of what we are able to do, and what we know, think, believe, feel, and have experienced. Those “tools” form the basis of our expectations for ourselves and others. Our toolbox differs from that of everyone else around us. We’re continually adding to it as we learn or experience new things, and as we adapt our available tools to deal with novel situations.

I’m looking forward to talking more about this topic with audiences in Austin, Texas this week, and Holland, Michigan the following week, as together we explore the Social Response Pyramid(TM) and use it to make sense of current research and popular teaching strategies. (More information about the Pyramid is available at www.thegraycenter.org, including free templates and instructions).As you assess your own social toolbox, I hope you’re able to celebrate the knowledge and experience that you possess, the relationships that are important to you, the personality traits that enable you to be successful in a variety of contexts, and the strategies that you are continuing to add to your repertoire as you interact with others. You are an important part of the process of promoting social understanding!

P.S. Have you seen this week’s featured resource at www.thegraycenter.org? It’s “Asperger Syndrome in the Inclusive Classroom: Advice and Strategies for Teachers,” by Stacy W. Betts, Dion Betts, and Lisa N. Gerber-Eckard. It’s one of the many popular resources available in our online bookstore. If you live in southwest Michigan, don’t forget that you can peruse our bookstore and resource library in BOTH of our offices, in Kentwood and Zeeland! Our open hours can be found in our online calendar.

In last week’s SUN News article, I described a common problem of expecting success to arrive without work. I mentioned that we may in fact be guilty of making success look too “easy” or “immediate” to those around us. Here are some strategies to help avoid that:

1. Verbalize the steps you go through as they occur. Lost your car keys? Talk about where you last remember seeing them, where you usually put them, and who might also have had access to them. Enlist the assistance of others who might have an idea where to find them. (I’ll confess that the last time I lost my car keys, my kids and I found them in the bathroom trash–long story, but these steps helped us experience success before the garbage truck arrived to remove our trash!) Are you planning a special meal? Talk about which ingredients you have in the house, and what you’ll need to purchase from the store. Talk about the amount of time you’ll need to prepare the meal, cook it, and get ready to eat it (setting the table, pouring beverages, etc.)

2. Involve others whenever possible. Do they have chores? Can they help make a grocery list or clip coupons before going to the store? Can they bake cookies or help set the table? If you’ve encountered a problem in the classroom, could the students help brainstorm possible solutions?

3. Emphasize choices. Make sure you provide choices that you can live with, whether you’re enabling the individual to choose between three outfits for school in the morning, or between two lunch options, or between a few chores that need to be done. Name the choice (i.e. Healthy choice, friendly choice, helpful choice, creative choice), and praise them for the choice they’ve made. (I wrote a more extensive article on this topic which you can read at http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=84). Discuss current events, explaining the choices others made, and ask your children or students what they would do if they were in that situation, and work together to make realistic guesses about how the outcome could have differed if different choices had been made.

4. Provide natural consequences. Did they make an ineffective or unexpected choice? Help them to see how their choice differed from better options and how their choice led to the current consequences. (Helpful resources include Michelle Garcia Winner’s “Social Behavior Mapping,” and Kari Dunn Buron’s “The Incredible 5-Point Scale.”) Whenever possible, make sure they are given information in advance about the consequences of the choices they make (i.e. If you use the time remaining to finish your math assignment, you can go out for recess. However, if you choose to do other things between now and then, and your math assignment does not get finished before the bell rings, you will need to miss recess to complete the math paper.)

5. When needed, provide visuals to increase understanding. Linda Hodgdon is a wonderful author who specializes in visual strategies. More information can be found in her book, “Visual Strategies for Improving Communication,” available through The Gray Center.

In my previous article, I detailed three factors that may contribute to an individual’s perception that success comes easily or automatically, without effort. Here’s one more! I believe that our entertainment industry has fostered the notion of success without work, and choices without consequences. The games, DVDs, and TV shows which occupy our children’s time often have very little connection to reality, and may serve to counteract your attempts to teach these important life lessons. Consider how your children and students are spending their time. Do things simply appear to happen in front of their eyes, or with the flip of a finger? If so, you may need to reduce the amount of time spent on these pursuits, or take time to talk about how they differ from real life.

We can play an important role in helping others work toward successful outcomes. I hope these suggestions have been helpful for you. If you have other ideas, feel free to post those gere.

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Carol Gray has a great Social Story(TM) about finding something that’s lost. It has been acted out on the “Storymovies(TM)” DVD–a practical, productive resource for kids who like to watch TV! Storymovies(TM) are on SALE this week at The Gray Center! Go to www.thegraycenter.org  for a significant discount on either the Standard or Professional version.

When my children were little, I used to wish–sometimes only half-jokingly–that I had a giant rubber room to put them in for short periods of time. Whether they were running and jumping around when I was trying to work, or having meltdowns because they were tired or frustrated, or were enjoying a favorite “perseverative” pursuit, I recognized that in isolation, their responses were perfectly authentic and effective. By “authentic,” I mean that their responses arose from their unique immediate individual context, and were valid expressions of where they were in life at that immediate point in time. Their responses were “effective” for them because they met their needs at that given moment. A giant rubber room would give them time and a place for those authentic responses.The problem was, their responses didn’t work for me! Their social context included me, and their immediate responses were causing problems for me. They were either disrupting my tasks, or frustrating my need to enjoy a few quiet moments, or causing embarrassment for me because I was aware of the negative responses of others who were also part of our social context. In other words, at those times my children’s authentic responses were not socially effective!

Many of you have asked to see a visual representation of the Social Response Pyramid(TM). I am working on posting more information to our web site at www.thegraycenter.org, but for now, you are welcome to email me at laurel@thegraycenter.org to request a pdf that shows the basics. We hope to soon have a training DVD available, also. Many of the resources available through The Gray Center help with a variety of aspects of social understanding and autism. You can find them at www.thegraycenter.org/store. Best wishes as you continue to work to promote social understanding!Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

We know from years of psychological research, as well as experience, that positive reinforcement brings about greater success than negative reinforcement. However, in practice, many of us find ourselves dishing out plenty of negative reinforcement! We chide or discipline our children for not picking up their toys, for not completing chores on time, and for not using proper mealtime manners. We put a student in the corner of the room (or send him or her down to the school office) for habitually talking out of turn, irritating peers, or not completing assignments. We nag our spouses (or ourselves!) for not being social enough, for not helping out enough around the house, or for spending money inappropriately. Sound familiar? Sometimes our negative responses to those around us appear to be our only choice, or seem to require less effort than re-thinking the problem and searching for a new or more creative solution.

Last week I began describing the Social Response Pyramid(TM) that I’ve developed. The bottom third of the pyramid is “MY CONTEXT” or “my reality.” Each of us approaches life deeply rooted in our own experiences, thoughts, feelings, opinions, expectations, and level of functioning. The “easy” path from input, through our own immediate individual context, to our responses is immediate, and often without thought. However, in order to be socially effective, we need to be more deliberate in our responses. That’s where the middle third of the Pyramid becomes highly significant: STRATEGIZING. It is in this area that we remember that we have CHOICES! We make choices every day. Admittedly, some lead to more effective responses than others. How do we encourage ourselves and others to choose effective responses more frequently? By reinforcing them!“Catch” yourself and others making positive choices that lead to effective responses, and be sure to affirm them. Here are some examples:

Have you ever considered why it is that immediate family members can experience the same situation, yet have different thoughts, perspectives, and feelings about it, and respond to it in different ways? In fact, each of us approaches life deeply rooted in our own “immediate individual context,” or our “own reality.” This reality is shaped by our past experiences (and how we feel about them), our current state of mind (emotions, etc.), our opinions and expectations, our knowledge and functioning level (including the presence of a diagnosis such as autism), and our ability to integrate the sensory information around us. Our approach can vary from day to day (or minute to minute), as our experiences and perspectives change, as we learn new things, and as our feelings fluctuate. This starting point is highly individualized, making each one of us unique from everyone else around us, even our own family members.As we face a variety of input in life, whether it’s something someone says or does, or a sensory stimulus, or a memory or situation which prompts a memory, we filter that input through our own reality, or context, before producing a response. Often, our responses are immediate–almost “knee-jerk responses” to the input. A classmate, family member, or colleague says something that makes us angry, and we respond with a passionate retort. We hear a loud noise and cover our ears or move away from the sound. We may approach a decision or situation the same way we did in the past, whether or not our response works, simply because it’s familiar.