Gray Center SUN News

One of my favorite aspects of working for The Gray Center has been meeting people with a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). I find them to be genuine, interesting, honest, and talented. Their perspectives on life are unique, and often their ability to focus on one thing, or to notice minute details puts this “too busy to notice or sit still for long” person to shame.

I know that their challenges are real, and are apparent not only to them, but also to those who live with them and work with them. However, all too often their abilities go unnoticed or under-appreciated, and their contributions to society may be less than they could be if we would do more to enable and encourage them.

Autism Awareness Month is a great time to deliberately reach out to those with ASD to let them know that they are noticed and appreciated for who they are. We can take time to listen as they discuss their interests. We can write a note or Social Story(TM), or create a poster or a scrapbook congratulating them on an achievement, big or small, or letting them know we love them. We can find a way for them to use their gifts in meaningful ways. We can help them learn more about themselves in an effort to develop a healthy self-esteem and self-awareness.

Two people who speak and write very articulately about their experiences as a person on the autism spectrum are Nick Dubin and Sondra Williams. The Gray Center is providing some of their resources at a significant discount this week to enable you to purchase copies for yourself or to pass along to your local library, school district, or nonprofit organization serving your community. You can find those books and DVDs at www.thegraycenter.org. If you’re interested in having Nick or Sondra speak for your group or conference, you can write to christy@thegraycenter.org for more information.

One way to reflect on the positive attributes of Asperger’s Syndrome is to read “The Discovery of Aspie Criteria” on our web site at http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=58. This article by Tony Attwood and Carol Gray takes an appreciative look at the diagnosis as a “discovery” of the many gifts and abilities often associated with Asperger’s Syndrome. Beverly Bishop’s book, “My Friend with Autism,” helps children understand a peer or sibling with ASD. Our web site contains numerous resources for increasing the understanding of parents and professionals, as well as the self-understanding of those with ASD.

I hope you’ll take a moment to reach out to someone with ASD this month! You can also use our SUN News blog here to post a comment praising someone in your life who has been diagnosed with ASD.

And to all of my friends with ASD, thank you for enriching my life and helping me to become more understanding of others!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. It is with great sadness that we say good-bye to Alex Gilpin (son of Wayne Gilpin, President of Future Horizons, Inc.) who passed away on March 30. We are thankful for all that Alex taught us, and for the way that he so quickly accepted us as his friends. Many of us were privileged to hear Alex and his longtime friend, Scott Lambeth, speak at a conference together, including The Gray Center’s 2003 conference in Grand Rapids, Michigan. The Gray Center staff encourages you to remember Scott and the Gilpin family, as well as the extended Future Horizons family, in your thoughts and prayers as they go through the difficult days and weeks ahead.

NOTE:  Please note that our Gray Center office will be closed through next week as our staff spends “spring break” with our families. Our Grand Rapids office will be open for a couple of hours on Wednesday morning, April 9, if you need to speak with someone during the week.

I read an article recently which suggested that of all the positive character traits we may possess, courage is the most important, although it is sometimes also the most difficult. I think the author was right!

It takes courage to be honest, when the “easy” thing to do is to tell a lie, or not to say anything. It’s courageous to befriend someone who is ostracized by others, and to stand up for a person when he or she is being bullied. Courage is needed when dealing with fear or uncertainty, and when making difficult choices that uphold our values and beliefs, but may not lead to great popularity with others.

I’m fortunate to have many people in my life who exhibit great courage. I know parents who are courageous enough to set limits for their children, and to ensure that they learn the connection between their choices and the consequences that accompany them. I know teachers who are courageous enough to teach their lessons in novel ways when they see that their students would benefit from that. I know business people who are courageous in running their business with integrity, even when it doesn’t always mean that they’ll come out ahead financially. I know individuals, with and without autism spectrum disorders (ASD), who courageously venture out of their comfort zones, sometimes several times each day, in order to make connections with other people, to learn new things, and to utilize their abilities in meaningful ways.

It’s interesting to look at various dictionary definitions of the word “courage.” Although some define it as the absence of fear, personally I prefer this definition from the American Heritage Dictionary: “The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.” Possessing courage does not mean that we will not have fear; rather, it means that we attempt to stay strong and resolute in spite of fear.

Are we teaching our children and students the meaning and value of courage? We can affirm others’ courage by pointing out when they are exhibiting courage, and by showing the connection between their courageous choices and the positive outcomes that they’re likely experiencing.

One of this week’s recommended resources at www.thegraycenter.org, “Stick Up For Yourself” (available as a student workbook and companion teacher manual), is one which can help professionals and students who are working at making courageous choices. One of our great bullying resources is Carol Gray’s “No Fishing Allowed,” a series which includes an instructional DVD, teacher manual, and student manual focusing on creating school communities where kids are equipped to identify and discourage bullying attempts. We also frequently recommend the children’s books by Cheri Meiners. These beautiful picture books help to explain the challenges along with the benefits of sharing and taking turns, respecting and accepting others, being polite, giving to those in need, and developing conflict resolution skills. (You can use the “search” feature on our web site to locate each of the titles by Cheri Meiners).”Try and Stick with It” is one of those books, which helps to teach the value of flexibility and perseverance, even when things are difficult, or don’t turn out the way we’d like them to. That sounds like courage to me!

Our Gray Center staff has been learning the meaning of courage through our friend and colleague Christy Gast (co-author of “Caring For Myself,”–a beautiful hardcover social skills book for kids), who has recently undergone two surgeries for cancer, and began chemotherapy treatments last week (which will be followed by radiation). Although she has not enjoyed the absence of fear or uncertainty, Christy has remained positive and determined even as she anticipates the loss of her hair and other unpleasant side effects. Some of that courage comes from within. Christy is definitely a strong person! Some of it is a gift of her faith that even this difficult situation is in God’s hands. And I believe that some of it is a product of the support that she receives from her family and friends. If you would like to send Christy a card or note of encouragement, you can send that c/o The Gray Center, 4123 Embassy Dr. SE, Kentwood, MI 49546. I’m sure that your assurances of support and prayers would be greatly appreciated, and would contribute to her ability to be courageous during this difficult time.

I’ll close with this applicable quote attributed to Keshavan Nair: “With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.”

I wish for all of us the strength to be courageous, and grace to affirm the courage we see in others.

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. If you live near West Michigan, you may want to hear Paula Kluth, author of “You’re Going to Love this Kid!” speak for the Autism Society of Westshore on Tuesday, March 11 at 7:00 p.m. This great learning opportunity is presented FREE of charge! More details are available at www.asws.org. Also, our Gray Center Lakeshore Groups are starting as early as this week! Go to www.thegraycenter.org to find out more about that Girls’ Group and Kids and Sibs Groups. (Note that our Lakeshore office will be open this week on Wednesday morning from 9-11).

Daily, we are faced with a multitude of social dilemmas. Should we tell the truth about another person’s appearance, or should we either remain silent or tell a “white lie?” Should we tell someone about something we’ve seen or heard that is bothering us, or would that be “tattling?” Should we go along with what someone is asking us to do, or risk rejection by turning them down?

Often, the presence of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) complicates such questions. There may be missing information that needs to be taught before these situations can be addressed successfully. For example, what exactly is a “white lie,” and how is it different from an outright lie? Although we teach and promote honesty, when is it okay (or even socially effective) to tell a white lie? What is the difference between “tattling” and enlisting the help of a responsible adult when faced with a situation that affects someone’s safety or emotional wellbeing? When should we do what others are telling us to do, and how do we judge their intent or protect our own values when their requests go against what we believe or have been instructed?

A social coach can help individuals sort out some of these questions so that they are better equipped to successfully navigate social situations. Social coaching can provide needed instruction, role-playing, a step-by-step plan, and more. A social coach can also assist families who struggle to develop new patterns of interacting with a child who is growing up and needing (but possibly resisting) added responsibilities, opportunities to make their own effective choices, and to experience natural consequences.

Many of us function as social coaches, perhaps without even realizing it. We function as social coaches when we model effective interactions with others (yes, we’re often being watched), when we provide information about the choices we’re making (and the thought process that led to those choices), and when we take time to provide necessary instruction to others. The process begins in infancy, as parents, grandparents, and childcare providers teach children basic manners along with society’s rules, both spoken and unspoken. It continues throughout our lifetime, as even adults find that we sometimes need gentle correction from trusted friends and family members when we commit social errors.

Sometimes we’re faced with complicated situations which go beyond our own ability and experience. That’s when we need to enlist the help of others who may have information to help us get unstuck, or to lead us toward successful outcomes. You may have individuals in your community who can help in that way. Gray Center staff is also available to talk with you by phone, email, or in person, as you work to determine the next step in a variety of situations. If you need someone (in person or by phone) to walk alongside you to help answer pressing questions and determine an action plan, along with holding you accountable for the choices and the progress you make, we have a social coach, Dr. Dale Ranson, who contracts with us to provide these services at a minimal cost. More information about social coaching (including contact information for Dale) is available on our web site at www.thegraycenter.org.

Social coaching, whether it’s done informally or formally, is an important component of promoting social understanding!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Our featured resource this week at www.thegraycenter.org is a great book, “Counselling People on the Autism Spectrum.” It’s helpful for those of you who are deliberately working at social coaching and other forms of counseling with individuals with ASD.

When I was eight years old, my younger sister broke her leg while tagging along on my second grade field trip. She was in the hospital for several weeks, and then in a body cast for several more weeks. We cancelled a big family vacation, rigged up a stroller so that she could accompany us on outings, devised new and exciting ways to get her to take her medicine, and stacked up the gifts that accumulated from her many visitors.As a child, I was less than thrilled with all the attention she received! I mourned the loss of the most exciting trip we had ever planned, and watched with jealousy as she received new toys and other presents. I resented the attention she was getting from my parents and other friends and relatives, and missed the companionship of having her play with me. It just wasn’t fair!

P.S. Would you like help explaining differences to a child’s sibling or classmates? Check our web site for more information on books that might help, including “Brotherly Feelings,” and “Everybody is Different,” (for siblings), or “The Sixth Sense II,” “My Friend with Autism,” and “The Autism Acceptance Book” (for peers), and “The Goodenoughs Get in Sync” (to explain sensory processing difficulties). And if you have other books you’d like to see added to our bookstore, please let me know!

I have sat on both sides of the table. I’m talking about the professional table which is used to host members of the IEP (Individualized Education Plan), or the table in the classroom where parents are invited to join the teacher in discussing a child’s progress during a “parent-teacher conference.”

www.thegraycenter.org P.S. Do you need help writing specific IEP goals? The Gray Center has two books which address this issue: Diane Twachtman-Cullen’s, “How Well Does Your IEP Measure Up?” and Michelle Garcia Winner’s, “Think Social!–Social Thinking Curriculum.” Both are on SALE at www.thegraycenter.org for a few days!

A couple of weeks ago, Mary emailed me and asked for suggestions for helping her son to deal with kids at school who were being unkind. She shared that her son’s typical reaction is to get angry and respond in a similar fashion, which was proving to be rather ineffective.

I know that Mary is not alone in her frustration and concern for her son. Yet I also know that she does not have to face this on her own! The Gray Center is running a SALE on the above resources this week so that those who struggle with the issue of bullying can get the help they need. (Go to www.thegraycenter.org/store to view details). I hope that SUN News readers will also post suggestions and/or encouragement for Mary here on this blog. Best wishes as you promote social understanding in your corner of the world!

When my children were little, I used to wish–sometimes only half-jokingly–that I had a giant rubber room to put them in for short periods of time. Whether they were running and jumping around when I was trying to work, or having meltdowns because they were tired or frustrated, or were enjoying a favorite “perseverative” pursuit, I recognized that in isolation, their responses were perfectly authentic and effective. By “authentic,” I mean that their responses arose from their unique immediate individual context, and were valid expressions of where they were in life at that immediate point in time. Their responses were “effective” for them because they met their needs at that given moment. A giant rubber room would give them time and a place for those authentic responses.The problem was, their responses didn’t work for me! Their social context included me, and their immediate responses were causing problems for me. They were either disrupting my tasks, or frustrating my need to enjoy a few quiet moments, or causing embarrassment for me because I was aware of the negative responses of others who were also part of our social context. In other words, at those times my children’s authentic responses were not socially effective!

Many of you have asked to see a visual representation of the Social Response Pyramid(TM). I am working on posting more information to our web site at www.thegraycenter.org, but for now, you are welcome to email me at laurel@thegraycenter.org to request a pdf that shows the basics. We hope to soon have a training DVD available, also. Many of the resources available through The Gray Center help with a variety of aspects of social understanding and autism. You can find them at www.thegraycenter.org/store. Best wishes as you continue to work to promote social understanding!Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

We know from years of psychological research, as well as experience, that positive reinforcement brings about greater success than negative reinforcement. However, in practice, many of us find ourselves dishing out plenty of negative reinforcement! We chide or discipline our children for not picking up their toys, for not completing chores on time, and for not using proper mealtime manners. We put a student in the corner of the room (or send him or her down to the school office) for habitually talking out of turn, irritating peers, or not completing assignments. We nag our spouses (or ourselves!) for not being social enough, for not helping out enough around the house, or for spending money inappropriately. Sound familiar? Sometimes our negative responses to those around us appear to be our only choice, or seem to require less effort than re-thinking the problem and searching for a new or more creative solution.

Last week I began describing the Social Response Pyramid(TM) that I’ve developed. The bottom third of the pyramid is “MY CONTEXT” or “my reality.” Each of us approaches life deeply rooted in our own experiences, thoughts, feelings, opinions, expectations, and level of functioning. The “easy” path from input, through our own immediate individual context, to our responses is immediate, and often without thought. However, in order to be socially effective, we need to be more deliberate in our responses. That’s where the middle third of the Pyramid becomes highly significant: STRATEGIZING. It is in this area that we remember that we have CHOICES! We make choices every day. Admittedly, some lead to more effective responses than others. How do we encourage ourselves and others to choose effective responses more frequently? By reinforcing them!“Catch” yourself and others making positive choices that lead to effective responses, and be sure to affirm them. Here are some examples:

Have you ever considered why it is that immediate family members can experience the same situation, yet have different thoughts, perspectives, and feelings about it, and respond to it in different ways? In fact, each of us approaches life deeply rooted in our own “immediate individual context,” or our “own reality.” This reality is shaped by our past experiences (and how we feel about them), our current state of mind (emotions, etc.), our opinions and expectations, our knowledge and functioning level (including the presence of a diagnosis such as autism), and our ability to integrate the sensory information around us. Our approach can vary from day to day (or minute to minute), as our experiences and perspectives change, as we learn new things, and as our feelings fluctuate. This starting point is highly individualized, making each one of us unique from everyone else around us, even our own family members.As we face a variety of input in life, whether it’s something someone says or does, or a sensory stimulus, or a memory or situation which prompts a memory, we filter that input through our own reality, or context, before producing a response. Often, our responses are immediate–almost “knee-jerk responses” to the input. A classmate, family member, or colleague says something that makes us angry, and we respond with a passionate retort. We hear a loud noise and cover our ears or move away from the sound. We may approach a decision or situation the same way we did in the past, whether or not our response works, simply because it’s familiar.

When I’m driving between my home and The Gray Center office, I sometimes pass new housing developments. It’s exciting to watch the progression of a house from a large, nondescript hole in the ground, to a skeleton of wood, to a beautiful home. When the hole is first dug for the basement and foundation, it’s difficult for me to imagine how the finished structure will look, and how it will fit into the surrounding neighborhood. Since I’m not the architect who has both a mental picture of the finished product as well as a blueprint for its development, I have a hard time making the mental stretch from a muddy hole to a comfortable dwelling.

The other day I realized that our children and students could be compared to the hole in the ground at the beginning of a construction project. Unfortunately, some people tend to view individuals with autism in terms of what they’re “missing.” There is perhaps no greater frustration for me than to hear someone declare when a child is young that “he will never be in a regular classroom,” “he will never drive,” or “she will never live independently.” That’s as ridiculous as saying to an architect or contactor, “That hole will never be a home!”

While the diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is primarily based on differences, delays, or deficits, each individual has numerous strengths as well. Diagnosis or no diagnosis, our children are a “hole” lot of potential! They are already unique individuals, and there is a special blueprint for each of their lives. While we do not have access to the final blueprint, and do not know what they will grow up to be, we can help to ensure that they receive the finest construction throughout the entire process.

How wonderful it is when we help our children catch that vision by saying things like, “You have such talent for writing–I’ll bet you could write a book someday!” or “You are a very diligent worker. Someone will be fortunate to have you as an employee when you get older, and I’m blessed to have you as my helper,” or even, “You’ve studied hard for that test. No matter how well you do on it, I’m proud of you for preparing so thoroughly!”

And while we’re at it, don’t forget the potential that YOU possess as an individual working on behalf of people with ASD. One person CAN make a difference! I’ll close with an inspiring quote by Joyce Maynard, “It’s not only children who grow.  Parents [and other adults] do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it myself.” If you’d like to share stories of the work you’re doing, or the progress you’re seeing in people around you, please do so here! It’s exciting to have this opportunity to learn from and to support each other!