My family and I recently took a walk over a sand dune along Lake Michigan during a West Michigan blizzard. At the time, little snow was falling, but we were subjected to gale-force winds as we climbed the stairs for a view of the water below. As I was pelted with wind and sand, and frequently had to grab onto a railing or hold my arms out to provide greater stability and balance, I marveled at the trees which stood so strong, seemingly unaffected, against the powerful force of the wind. Do you know how they got to be so strong? This quote sums it up well: “”Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees” (J. Willard Marriott). It’s the powerful wind, which made our hike so difficult (and at times unpleasant), that over the years has helped those trees develop a strong root system which provides a firm foundation when the wind howls around and against them.
As parents, when we welcome a child into the world, we tend to do whatever we can to protect them even as we help them to grow and flourish. When a child has special needs like a diagnosis of autism, we tend to hold him or her even more closely, sheltering them from a potentially cruel and dangerous world, and hoping to encourage their growth in a way that avoids having their differences be too noticeable to the outside world. Parents work hard to help their child succeed and to protect them from failure or harsh treatment from others. But sometimes the day comes when they suddenly realize that their child hasn’t learned the skills needed to manage on their own. They lack the connections to receive help from anyone other than their parents or immediate family members. While the parents meant well, they find that that have unknowingly secluded their children from the life lessons that would prepare them to function on their own. Without the “wind” of difficulty throughout their lives, their “root systems” remain underdeveloped, making it impossible for them to stand up to the wind on their own.
The following quote explains the danger well: “As a parent, your nature is to protect. Sometimes fear of risks … can cause you to exclude a person with autism from their community.” (Marguerite Colston, spokeswoman for the Autism Society of America).
Naturally, it is difficult to know when to shelter and when to give a gentle push to help our children step out and experience life lessons for themselves. It’s a process of daily deliberations and decisions. We don’t need to do it alone—our community can be a source of help to us as we seek to uncover and maximize our children’s potential and assist them in being successful. There’s wisdom in the saying, “It takes a village,” as we admit to ourselves that we cannot do it on our own. Are you familiar with the inspiring story of Helen Keller? Hers is an amazing story of success in spite of being both blind and deaf. She once said, “A man can’t make a place for himself in the sun if he keeps taking refuge under the family tree.”
Some of you reading this have young children at home. You may be inspired to find ways to help your children develop new skills and understanding so that they can stand strong against the winds of daily living and of adversity. Others of you find that your children are grown, but do not have a strong root system. Although you will likely face resistance and other challenges as you work to help your grown son or daughter, you may be encouraged by this old proverb: “The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.” It’s never too late to make healthy changes that benefit both you and your children! Even “late bloomers” can be successful. In the words of Moliere, sometimes “The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.”
In my own parenting, I think back to numerous occasions when I bit my tongue instead of discouraging my children from trying something new. Although I was afraid they would experience failure or disappointment, or even ridicule, I let them chart their course. Sometimes it proved to be a difficult or painful outcome, but it gave us an opportunity to talk about how life works, and what we can learn each situation. Other times they succeeded beyond my wildest expectations, and we were all able to celebrate yet another joyous (and sometimes unexpected) success.
Best wishes as you continue to teach and nurture children and young adults toward an ability to stand strong and bear fruit!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. The Gray Center is officially closed until the New Year. We’ll reopen on January 4th. We may be slow to answer phone and email messages, since our staff and volunteers will be spending time with family and friends through the holidays. Although you will not be able to visit with us in our office or utilize our library, our bookstore is always available at www.thegraycenter.org, and we will continue to process and ship your orders throughout the next two weeks.
My oldest son has grown more than four inches in less than a year! Although I’m quite tall, he passed me up already last summer, and now stands over six feet two inches (that’s more than 187 centimeters, for those of you who are accustomed to using the metric system). Perhaps the most remarkable thing is that he is only 15 years old, so he is likely to go through a couple of shoe sizes yet before he stops growing. I’m still getting used to looking up at him when I talk to him, or reaching way up for a hug.
A few weeks ago, I asked my son to hang some signs at The Gray Center for an upcoming young adult meeting. When I walked through the halls later, I had to chuckle when I found the signs hanging just a short distance from the ceiling, higher than most people would have looked for directions as they tried to find our office. In hanging the signs, Ben forgot that most people have a different perspective of “eye level” than he does! Similarly, I remember helping a blind student around campus when I was a college student. As he hung onto my arm, we walked from building to building discussing our classes. I occasionally had to apologize to him when I ducked successfully under a low-hanging branch, forgetting that he was unable to see the branch to do the same.
The truth is, we typically operate under an assumption that other people have the same perspective that we do. It takes a conscious effort to remind ourselves that their perspective (physical, emotional, etc.—what I refer to in my “Social Response Pyramid” as “My Context”) will differ from our own because of a difference in age, life experiences, personality, feelings, expectations, abilities, needs, interests, etc.—including the presence of autism, height, or ability to see. Whether we’re teaching, parenting, guiding, befriending, correcting, encouraging, or disciplining, our perspective will naturally differ from another person’s perspective. Keeping this in mind—and making accommodations when necessary—will help all of us to be more effective in our interactions with others!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. This weekend my husband and I worked around the clock with developers, volunteering over 150 “man hours” through GR GiveCamp to develop a new web site for The Gray Center! We hope to unveil the new site soon. We’re incredibly thankful for the time and expertise donated through this event. We hope you will also be inspired to make a donation to The Gray Center. You can give quickly and securely at www.thegraycenter.org. It is only through your generous support that we are able to provide resources such as The SUN News, web site, library, groups, etc. Thank you!
Welcome to The SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
For the last few weeks The SUN News has been looking at the variety of factors that lead to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) when they occur together. In the last few weeks, we’ve covered language and communication differences, behaviors/interests/imagination, and sensory integration. This week, we’re looking at the category of social participation. These SUN News articles do not attempt to fully detail the differences present with a diagnosis of autism, but explain the implications of each area as they relate to interactions with people with ASD.
The differences or delays that are typically identified as being in the social participation area include:
- Initiating and/or sustaining a social interaction
- Turn-taking (reciprocal relationships), whether in activities or conversations
- Adherence to own rituals, rules, and routines (this was also discussed previously)
- Difficulty noticing, understanding, or responding effectively to unwritten social rules
- Emotional regulation, and understanding of emotions in others (and responding effectively)
- Theory of Mind (understanding that others have their own ideas, feelings, interests, etc. and using that information to guide interactions with others)
- Peer to peer relationships (often individuals with ASD have an easier time interacting with people much younger or older than they are, especially during childhood and adolescence)
ASD is often referred to as a “social disability.” Each of the categories described in the last few weeks has social implications. In fact, usually none of the areas considered “diagnostic criteria” are problems for a person with ASD unless he or she is part of a “social context!” For example, “stimming” (hand-flapping, rocking, flicking fingers in front of one’s face) generally occurs when an individual is responding “authentically” to his or her own context. It typically is perceived as necessary and/or comforting. However, when the individual is in school with classmates, or in a crowded restaurant with other diners, suddenly that response doesn’t work with the people around him or her, and the message is conveyed that he or she should stop, replace the response with something that works better with others, or go away for awhile. If a person with ASD is alone, none of the criteria listed above are issues. It’s only when other people, with their own expectations, experiences, feelings, etc. (or their individual contexts, as described in my Social Response Pyramid) are interacting with people with ASD that their differences cause difficulties for each person in the interaction.
What this means is that we cannot simply point to people with ASD as the cause of breakdowns in communication or other social interactions. The rest of us are both part of the problem, and part of the solution! We can continue to ensure that we understand ourselves and how we contribute (either positively or negatively) to any given interaction, and help individuals with ASD do the same. Nick Dubin, author of “Breaking Through Hidden Barriers,” and a young man with Asperger’s, once told me that he is capable of feeling empathy, but on his own, doesn’t always recognize what others are feeling in order to identify with them. Nick Dubin’s books and DVDs, and numerous other resources are available at www.thegraycenter.org to help promote social understanding. Social coaching (a new service provided through The Gray Center) can also help individuals who are interested in becoming more socially effective.
Best wishes as you continue to participate in social interactions with people with ASD—and to help everyone experience and enjoy social success!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
Welcome to a special edition of the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network! I’m writing this in response to the many requests I get for support for parents—note that at the end of this article, there’s information about an upcoming parent meeting in Zeeland, MI.
My husband and I try to be proactive parents! Although our children sometimes complain, they would tell you that they do not dislike us for it; in fact, during moments of honest reflection, they would likely tell you that it has earned us their respect.
What is a proactive parent?
A proactive parent wants what’s best for her children, but recognizes that sometimes they have to earn it, go without it, or lose it before they also value it.
A proactive parent allows his children to sometimes falter, fail, and fall, knowing that failure will teach them more about succeeding than his constant rescues ever could.
A proactive parent clearly spells out reasonable but high expectations, and holds firm (without giving in or back-tracking) until her children achieve them. Her children learn that their own good choices generally lead to good consequences, and their bad choices often lead to unpleasant consequences, because she consistently allows them to experience this. Although they like to blame their proactive parent for the consequences that they dislike (and all too infrequently thank her for the good ones), they eventually learn that they can receive more frequent rewards by making more good choices—and they try to take responsibility for their bad choices.
A proactive parent is gentle but firm, flexible yet consistent, empathetic but unwavering. He recognizes and respects where his rights and responsibilities end and where his children’s begin…and through his expectations and responses, teaches his children to do the same.
A proactive parent is willing to forgo present thanks and pleasure for future rewards. She recognizes that today’s trials lead to tomorrow’s triumphs, both for herself and her children.
A proactive parent knows that his children’s verbal, emotional, and physical resistance to his “no” will eventually go away when they’re ready to move on to the next request. And then he will feel stronger for holding firm, and his children, like steel refined by fire, or a tree strengthened by the wind, will also be stronger.
Proactive parents know that neither they nor their children are perfect, and while their standards are high, through unconditional love and acceptance, they create a physically and emotionally safe environment in which their children can experience both failure and success.
They may sometimes doubt their effectiveness as parents, feel guilty for being “tough” on their children, dislike the children’s sometimes hurtful responses, feel isolated and alone, and grow weary from adhering to high standards. Yet they believe that “tough love,” although it isn’t always “warm and fuzzy love,” builds character and enables people to interact more effectively with others.
Thankfully, most proactive parents catch glimpses of greatness as they go about the work of parenting. Just as she might enjoy a gleaming floor after spending hours on her hands and knees scrubbing and polishing, or catching her reflection in a window that she has worked hard to clean, a proactive parent begins to see that her efforts are reaping rewards. As his children exhibit honesty, kindness, respect, responsibility, integrity, good work ethics, forgiveness, and flexibility, he sees that they, too, are on their way toward being proactive parents —or teachers, therapists, and friends–who hold themselves and others accountable while also being kind and supportive.
Are you a “proactive parent?” Do you wish you could be? I think we need to be more deliberate in supporting parents, teachers, counselors, and others in their work of promoting social effectiveness through the types of expectations and natural consequences that I detailed in this article. In fact, I am not able to be a proactive parent alone! My husband is a huge support as he patiently provides love, encouragement, and instruction to our children and to me. We work with our children’s teachers to ensure that we all have similar expectations both at home and at school, as we teach responsibility and hold our children accountable. Grandparents and other family members, friends, and neighbors also help in the important task of raising our kids to be kind, responsible, and productive individuals. This type of teamwork is what is intended by the common saying, “It takes a village!”
Kids provide daily opportunities for us to learn to be proactive parents, including throwing a tantrum if they don’t get what they want, refusing to do their chores, asking for more money (after wasting their own), making hurtful comments, and stressing our resolve through whining, asking incessantly, sulking, or making threats. Children around the world provide these fabulous learning opportunities for the people tasked with caring for and instructing them. The question is, what will they learn from it? What can we do to equip them with the necessary skills for being effective participants in their relationships, whether it’s with us, or with others?
I hope you’ll take a minute to respond to this article here, or on our Facebook or Twitter accounts. There’s no need for anyone to feel alone or to face difficult decisions—and stand firm in adhering to what they know is best—without the support of others around the world!
From one parent attempting to be proactive, to many others,
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
If you live in West Michigan, I hope you’ll join me on Tuesday, Nov. 10 from 7:00-8:30 p.m. at The Gray Center, City on a Hill Ministries, 100 Pine St., Zeeland, MI, for a “proactive parent” meeting. This will be an opportunity to support each other while learning more about the challenges proactive parents face, and creative strategies for addressing those challenges as we work toward interacting more effectively with our families. ALL parents are invited, regardless of the age of your child, or the presence of (or lack of) a particular diagnosis. Please RSVP by selecting the “proactive parent” option in our shopping cart at www.thegraycenter.org.
Welcome to The SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
There are a variety of factors that lead to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) when they occur together. In the last couple of weeks, The SUN News has looked at language and communication differences, and behaviors/interests/imagination. This week, we’re looking at the category of sensory integration. This is not part of the “triad of symptoms” originally described by Lorna Wing, but is becoming an increasingly accepted and anticipated facet of ASD. These SUN News articles do not attempt to fully detail the differences present with a diagnosis of autism, but will explain the implications of each area as they relate to interactions with people with ASD.
When a person’s sensory system is not well-integrated, he or she may:
- Have difficulty screening out unnecessary noises, struggle to focus on the important ones, and may sense some sounds as unusually painful
- Have difficulty paying attention to important details without being distracted by tags in clothing, temperature, or other sensory input
- Be intolerant of different textures when eating or touching things
- Slam doors or use too much force in other areas, since the proprioceptive system is not signaling how heavy the door is and how much force is needed
- Walk into things or step on people’s toes, due to a lack of understanding of where his/her body is in space
- Be bothered by too much visual input—fluorescent lighting, too many objects or colors, too much activity or motion
- Stand too close while talking with someone, or complain that someone else is too close, since he/she lacks an awareness of appropriate personal space
- Use a voice that is too loud or too soft for the current social context
- Shut down or melt down, when the sensory system becomes over-stressed
You may or may not have a well-integrated sensory system. But either way, it’s likely that you have developed strategies over the years to keep your system functioning more efficiently and to help yourself stay comfortable. Some people chew gum or drink coffee to stay alert. Some cross their legs while sitting and bounce their foot, or tap their pencil on a desk for additional input or to calm themselves. Some wear gloves when gardening because they don’t like getting their hands dirty, or while cleaning because they don’t like to get their hands wet or dislike the lingering smell of cleaning solution which might remain on their hands.
When we’re working with children, we have a tendency to remove such options which might improve their functioning or help them stay more comfortable. Often we do not allow chewing gum in class, we do not provide gloves for finger-painting, and we tell students to sit still while they’re completing their assignments. Then we’re surprised or frustrated when they have difficulty participating in the activity successfully. Occupational therapists have made great strides in introducing “sensory diets” in classrooms to provide the feedback so many students need, whether swinging, pushing or pulling heavy objects, “brushing” (the Wilbarger method), weighted vests, bouncy seats or balls to sit on while working, etc.
It may be helpful to ask someone with sensory integration dysfunction which sounds, smells, and other sensations are most disturbing to them. You may be able to change the environment to be more conducive to their needs, or provide strategies which would help them be more successful in spite of their challenges.
Books such as “Answers to Questions Teachers Ask About Sensory Integration” and “Understanding Regulation Disorders in Sensory Processing in Children” can be helpful if you’d like more information about this topic. Both are available at www.thegraycenter.org.
Thank you for the work you are doing to promote social understanding and effectiveness with those with ASD
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. Would you like to continue to receive The SUN News every week? Would you like updates on new resources and sales at The Gray Center, and/or would you like to be notified when The Gray Center hosts events and network meetings? Be sure to subscribe at http://eepurl.com/ekqF (where you can choose the updates you prefer to receive) since we’ll soon discontinue use of this current SUN News subscription feature and individual email updates sent by staff!
Welcome to SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
Daily, we are faced with a multitude of social dilemmas. Should we tell the truth about another person’s appearance, or should we either remain silent or tell a “white lie?” Should we tell someone about something we’ve seen or heard that is bothering us, or would that be “tattling?” Should we go along with what someone is asking us to do, or risk rejection by turning them down? How can we better understand others and interact more effectively with them?
Often, the presence of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) complicates such questions. There may be missing information that needs to be taught before these situations can be addressed successfully. For example, what exactly is a “white lie,” and how is it different from an outright lie? Although we teach and promote honesty, when is it okay (or even socially effective) to tell a white lie? What is the difference between “tattling” and enlisting the help of a responsible adult when faced with a situation that affects someone’s safety or emotional wellbeing? When should we do what others are telling us to do, and how do we judge their intent or protect our own values when their requests go against what we believe or have been instructed?
A social coach can help individuals sort out some of these questions so that they are better equipped to successfully navigate social situations. Social coaching can provide needed instruction, role-playing, a step-by-step plan, and more. A social coach can also assist families who struggle to develop new patterns of interacting with a child who is growing up and needing (but possibly resisting) added responsibilities, opportunities to make their own effective choices, and to experience natural consequences.
Many of us function as social coaches, perhaps without even realizing it. We function as social coaches when we model effective interactions with others (yes, we’re often being watched), when we provide information about the choices we’re making (and the thought process that led to those choices), and when we take time to provide necessary instruction, encouragement, and accountability to others. The process begins in infancy, as parents, grandparents, and childcare providers teach children basic manners along with society’s rules, both spoken and unspoken. It continues throughout our lifetime, as even adults find that we sometimes need gentle correction from trusted friends and family members when we commit social errors. And we all benefit from encouragement whether we’re struggling or things are going well!
Sometimes we’re faced with complicated situations which go beyond our own ability and experience. That’s when it may be helpful to enlist others who may have information to help us get unstuck, or to lead us toward successful outcomes. You may have individuals in your community who can help in that way. The Gray Center also has coaching services available, which you can access by phone or in person. I provide social coaching to help you “get unstuck,” or to determine the next step in a variety of situations, along with “Social Response Pyramid Coaching” if you’d like help using the Pyramid at home, in the classroom, or in any other setting.
If you need someone to walk alongside you to answer pressing questions, help you set goals, and determine an action plan, along with holding you accountable for the choices and the progress you make, go to http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=118. (NOTE: You can receive a discount on coaching and consulting services by signing up soon!)
Coaching, whether it’s done informally or formally, is an important component of promoting social understanding!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org
P.S. The Gray Center has many resources at www.thegraycenter.org which can assist you as you coach others. Be sure to check out resources by Carol Gray, Brenda Smith Myles, Ellen Korin, Cheri Meiners, Kari Dunn Buron, Michelle Garcia Winner, and more, as well as my “Social Response Pyramid” KIT—a perfect opportunity to coach yourself and others in being socially effective!
Welcome to the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
I suppose some people might call me an expert. I’ve achieved many things in life which might earn me that distinction. After hundreds of hours of experience, studies, and the successful completion of an exam, I recently earned the designation of Certified Family Life Educator. I am the Executive Director of The Gray Center, and have been working with this wonderful nonprofit organization for ten years. I am certified as an elementary teacher (and enjoyed some wonderful years in a classroom with engaging students), and have been a parent for over fifteen years. And I have been living and learning on this planet for over forty years.
Yet I would be the first to state unequivocally that I am not an expert!
Perhaps it’s helpful to begin with a definition to make sure we all have the same understanding of what it means to be an expert. Dictionaries tend to define expert as “someone with special skill or knowledge.” Under that definition, I suppose we would all find some area in which we could claim expertise.
My reluctance to view myself as an expert does not mean that I deny or do not appreciate the special skills and knowledge that I have acquired over the years. Instead, I identify closely with a quote from Henry Ford, well-known contributor to the automotive industry in America. He is reputed to have said this: “None of our men are ‘experts.’ We have most unfortunately found it necessary to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert–because no one ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the ‘expert’ state of mind a great number of things become impossible.”
I am always learning! In fact, I find that the more I know, the more I realize I don’t know. I am always changing “my CONTEXT”, the strategies available to me, my understanding of the social context and my effect on it, and the choices available to me for socially effective responses (I explain these terms more in my “Social Response Pyramid” resources, available at www.thegraycenter.org ). If viewing myself as an “expert” will raise me—in my own mind or that of others—to a status of one who has “arrived,” and knows enough to stop learning, then I don’t plan to ever achieve that distinction. Instead, I view myself realistically as someone who has an opportunity to learn from every interaction with every individual whom I meet, whether for a long time or a brief contact. I am a learner, in the process of becoming better educated about myself and those around me. The possibilities for myself and the other learners I encounter are truly endless!
I have been privileged through my work at The Gray Center to learn from many of you. Thank you for your emails, phone conversations, and the visits we’ve had over the years! I have also had many opportunities to share some of what I’ve learned along the way, through our web site and this SUN News feature, through emails and visits, and through the speaking that I’ve done at in-services and other workshops. Soon, you’ll have an opportunity to meet with me for “social coaching,” or “Social Response Pyramid(TM) coaching,” which I’ll describe in greater detail in our upcoming Gray Center Spotlight article.
I hope you’ll use our new topic blog at http://thegraycenter.blogspot.com/ to share your ideas and information with other visitors, and stay in touch with The Gray Center and each other through Facebook and Twitter. Together we can provide valuable information and support to help ourselves and others achieve and celebrate success!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. If you’re in the West Michigan area, please join us Thursday, October 1 from 4-8 p.m. for our FREE autism expo! More details are available at www.thegraycenter.org.
Welcome to the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
Many parents, school-workers, and employers carefully adapt tasks and environments to suit the strengths and challenges of their children, students, and employees. This adaptation enables people with unique challenges to be successful, similar to the way that their peers are able to be successful without the adaptations. This is an important component of social understanding—understanding when to provide necessary supports and modifications to give everyone an opportunity to be socially successful.
However, there’s an inherent danger in jumping to adapt things for anyone, whether it’s people with disabilities, young children, teens, or even family members. This past spring I heard Johnnie Tuitel give a presentation about living with a disability (you can find video clips of Johnnie on YouTube). Johnnie is the author of the “Gun Lake Series” adventure books for teens featuring a person with a disability. Johnnie has cerebral palsy, and has been in a wheelchair or used braces and crutches for most of his life. Obviously, many environments and tasks have been adapted over the years to enable him to experience success. However, he made the comment that when we are too quick to adapt materials, expectations, activities, and situations to fit the special needs of one person, that person can get to the point where he or she believes, “It’s all about me!”
We all like to do things according to our own preferences, abilities, and interests. But it’s a fact of life that most of us are forced to adapt throughout the day to do things another person’s way, or to stretch our own abilities or interests to accommodate others. Learning to recognize this and respond effectively is a valuable skill that should be taught and reinforced beginning at a young age.
How can we encourage each person to use their gifts and abilities to benefit others?
Reach out to others, leading by your own example, and deliberating involving children and young adults, including those with disabilities. Do you make financial contributions to charitable organizations like The Gray Center? (You can give online at www.thegraycenter.org). Encourage others to earn money to give, also. Maybe they can choose a charity that interests them, whether it’s an animal shelter, summer camp, worship center, homeless shelter, or organization related to the arts. Do you give food to pantries that benefit those who do not have enough to eat? Have your children help select food at the grocery store, and help deliver it to the pantry. Sometimes around the holidays there are opportunities to actually deliver the food to needy families—that’s a great opportunity to expand our social horizons to become more aware of other people and their needs! The Gray Center sells a beautiful children’s book, “Reach Out and Give,” by Cheri Meiners, which helps to illustrate the need—and benefits—of giving to others. The description of the book reads, “Even very young children can help to make the world a better place. This book begins with the concept of gratitude, because feeling grateful is a powerful motivator. Words and pictures show children contributing to their community in simple yet meaningful ways. Includes discussion questions, a philanthropy role play, generosity games, and ideas for service projects.”
Not only is it important to give of our tangible resources like money, but also to give of our time and talents. Volunteering is an excellent way to give back to our community. And many organizations rely on the help of volunteers, especially when the economy makes it more difficult to pay staff. The Gray Center is thankful for the people who give of their time and abilities to keep our nonprofit organization running. Jane and Nelson have volunteered for over five years! Julie helped us for a couple of years, and Rachelle and Amy have joined us since our move to our new office. Volunteering is a great option for people with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), since it gives them opportunities to make new connections and to learn valuable skills. And as Teresa Bolick pointed out when she spoke at our spring conference, employers tend to be more willing to teach workers and to overlook “quirks” when the individuals are volunteering rather than being paid. The site of our new office, City on a Hill Ministries in Zeeland, Michigan, is a great place for people to volunteer. They have mentors in place to train and oversee each volunteer, and the presence of numerous individuals with special needs (who come for schooling and for respite) means that tenants in the building are very accustomed to working with individuals with disabilities.
While giving of our money, time, possessions, and talents can serve to teach or remind us that “it’s not all about us,” it can also feel pretty good to reach out to others in this way! There are definite rewards to looking beyond our own needs and challenges, and to helping others do the same. I often hear parents say that their child wouldn’t be able to be involved in one of these ways for one reason or another. Yet they’re usually also frustrated by the selfish tendencies they see in that child. I’d like to challenge each of you to find a way to help others get involved in meaningful ways with other people. Otherwise we’re depriving them of a valuable opportunity to learn important life skills, to gain helpful experience, and to interact with new people, perhaps forming meaningful and long-lasting relationships!
Best wishes as you continue to promote social understanding by encouraging and enabling everyone to be involved in giving back to others!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. The Gray Center is in need of volunteers! We’d love help with our October 1st Autism Expo, and would also like to find some parents, grandparents, young adults, or other community members (including those with ASD) who would be willing to work in our office once a week to answer phones, greet visitors, and help with projects. Please contact me at laurel@thegraycenter.org if you’re interested in any of these opportunities! (If you’re not in the West Michigan area, I hope you’ll consider making a donation to The Gray Center and/or helping another organization that can use your time and talents!)
Welcome to the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
“I don’t like that man. I’m going to have to get to know him better.” I came across this quote recently, attributed to early American president Abraham Lincoln. Do you have someone in your life who fits this description? What can we do to understand—and possibly improve our appreciation for—another person? One way is to utilize my “Social Response Pyramid(TM)” by asking ourselves the following questions:
Author Max Lucado has written, “…patience always hitches a ride with understanding.” Increasing our understanding of other people may or may not help us like them, but it is likely to increase our patience with them, and to help us interact more effectively with them.
Best wishes as you work at better understanding those with whom you live, work, play, study, and interact!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. You can find more information about each of the areas described in this article in my DVD workshops, “The Social Response Pyramid” and “Bridging the Gap.” They and the Social Response Pyramid KIT (which contains Pyramid pieces and an instructional/demonstration DVD) are on SALE this week at The Gray Center, along with all the other resources (by Carol Gray, Sondra Williams, Michelle Winner, and Kari Dunn Buron) mentioned in this article! You can use the search feature at www.thegraycenter.org to find each resource. Hurry—sale ends Friday!
Welcome to SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network! Today’s article is Part Two of a series begun last week, which was originally written in 2007.
Last week my SUN News article detailed three steps to promoting social understanding. Step one focused on understanding ourselves, and making sure that we “make sense” to those around us. Step two focused on understanding others. This may be a difficult step for those of you living and working with individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD)!
Frequently in past issues of the SUN News I’ve quoted from my Page-A-Day calendar. Here is another quote I encountered this past spring while using that resource: “Try to understand why people do what they do. They have their reasons even if we don’t know what they are.”
Have you ever thought about that with respect to individuals with ASD? We are quick to view their comments, silences, meltdowns, and actions as meaningless, unanticipated, inappropriate, or even defiant. Yet I believe that if or when they are able to process and to voice explanations for their actions, they usually have very valid reasons for them!
What then causes them to do what they do? Here are some possible explanations:
1. Sensory processing. Each of us is constantly bombarded by sensory information. What our brains do with that information can vary widely, and can produce just as wide a variety of responses! But frequently those responses are perfectly valid given the way that our brains processed the input. Do you perceive a noise as painful? It makes sense that you would cover your ears, run from the noise, or try to drown it out in another manner. Are you adverse to certain sensations? Then it seems appropriate that you would avoid getting your hands dirty (and any tasks that would lead in that direction), or refuse to wear particular clothing, or react abruptly (or even forcefully) to distasteful touch. These responses make even more sense when paired with some of the following explanations.
2. Being motivated by special interests. Individuals with ASD typically have an area (or areas) of intense interest, to the exclusion of others. They may ignore or refuse other topics or activities, not to be rude or disobedient, but because they are more interested in –or feel compelled to follow–opportunities to pursue or engage in their special interest.
3. Inability to glean from external assistance. The nature of their diagnosis makes it difficult for individuals with ASD to learn from past experience, to establish a connection between rewards, consequences, and their behavior, or to ask for help from others.
4. Misinterpretation of language or the social environment. ASD often causes individuals to interpret things literally, to miss intended meanings, to overlook or misunderstand social expectations, and to incorrectly process what they hear (auditory processing), see, or experience. Their lack of information or experience may also make it difficult for them to anticipate how others will respond, or to communicate how they are feeling or what they are thinking.
5. Unique personality traits and characteristics of their age and maturity level. Sometimes people “do what they do” because they are young and inexperienced, or because their personality dictates that they are more extroverted or introverted. Many years ago Carol Gray wrote an excellent article entitled, “Honey, I Shrunk the Syndrome.” It was a great reminder that many of the behaviors that we observe in individuals with ASD cannot–and should not–be attributed to their diagnosis. Sometimes they may make an inappropriate choice, or an immature decision, or take an uncalculated risk, just because they’re human. Let’s face it–haven’t we all “been there, done that” many times over?
If we keep an open mind, and make a true effort to understand why those around us do what they do, we will make great strides in our efforts at promoting social understanding. My quoted calendar entry ended with these words, “When we try to understand why people do what they do, we have more compassion.” What a great goal–to become more compassionate parents, teachers, administrators, therapists, doctors, neighbors, and friends through our efforts to better understand ourselves and others!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. Would you like to learn more about people with ASD and the factors that contribute to their responses to us and others in their social context? The Gray Center has a variety of resources available at www.thegraycenter.org. I also travel around the country giving presentations and trainings to parents, teachers, and conference attendees. If you’d like to hire me to train your district, parent group, etc., email me at laurel@thegraycenter.org.
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Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding www.thegraycenter.org
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