Welcome to a special edition of the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network! I’m writing this in response to the many requests I get for support for parents—note that at the end of this article, there’s information about an upcoming parent meeting in Zeeland, MI.
My husband and I try to be proactive parents! Although our children sometimes complain, they would tell you that they do not dislike us for it; in fact, during moments of honest reflection, they would likely tell you that it has earned us their respect.
What is a proactive parent?
A proactive parent wants what’s best for her children, but recognizes that sometimes they have to earn it, go without it, or lose it before they also value it.
A proactive parent allows his children to sometimes falter, fail, and fall, knowing that failure will teach them more about succeeding than his constant rescues ever could.
A proactive parent clearly spells out reasonable but high expectations, and holds firm (without giving in or back-tracking) until her children achieve them. Her children learn that their own good choices generally lead to good consequences, and their bad choices often lead to unpleasant consequences, because she consistently allows them to experience this. Although they like to blame their proactive parent for the consequences that they dislike (and all too infrequently thank her for the good ones), they eventually learn that they can receive more frequent rewards by making more good choices—and they try to take responsibility for their bad choices.
A proactive parent is gentle but firm, flexible yet consistent, empathetic but unwavering. He recognizes and respects where his rights and responsibilities end and where his children’s begin…and through his expectations and responses, teaches his children to do the same.
A proactive parent is willing to forgo present thanks and pleasure for future rewards. She recognizes that today’s trials lead to tomorrow’s triumphs, both for herself and her children.
A proactive parent knows that his children’s verbal, emotional, and physical resistance to his “no” will eventually go away when they’re ready to move on to the next request. And then he will feel stronger for holding firm, and his children, like steel refined by fire, or a tree strengthened by the wind, will also be stronger.
Proactive parents know that neither they nor their children are perfect, and while their standards are high, through unconditional love and acceptance, they create a physically and emotionally safe environment in which their children can experience both failure and success.
They may sometimes doubt their effectiveness as parents, feel guilty for being “tough” on their children, dislike the children’s sometimes hurtful responses, feel isolated and alone, and grow weary from adhering to high standards. Yet they believe that “tough love,” although it isn’t always “warm and fuzzy love,” builds character and enables people to interact more effectively with others.
Thankfully, most proactive parents catch glimpses of greatness as they go about the work of parenting. Just as she might enjoy a gleaming floor after spending hours on her hands and knees scrubbing and polishing, or catching her reflection in a window that she has worked hard to clean, a proactive parent begins to see that her efforts are reaping rewards. As his children exhibit honesty, kindness, respect, responsibility, integrity, good work ethics, forgiveness, and flexibility, he sees that they, too, are on their way toward being proactive parents —or teachers, therapists, and friends–who hold themselves and others accountable while also being kind and supportive.
Are you a “proactive parent?” Do you wish you could be? I think we need to be more deliberate in supporting parents, teachers, counselors, and others in their work of promoting social effectiveness through the types of expectations and natural consequences that I detailed in this article. In fact, I am not able to be a proactive parent alone! My husband is a huge support as he patiently provides love, encouragement, and instruction to our children and to me. We work with our children’s teachers to ensure that we all have similar expectations both at home and at school, as we teach responsibility and hold our children accountable. Grandparents and other family members, friends, and neighbors also help in the important task of raising our kids to be kind, responsible, and productive individuals. This type of teamwork is what is intended by the common saying, “It takes a village!”
Kids provide daily opportunities for us to learn to be proactive parents, including throwing a tantrum if they don’t get what they want, refusing to do their chores, asking for more money (after wasting their own), making hurtful comments, and stressing our resolve through whining, asking incessantly, sulking, or making threats. Children around the world provide these fabulous learning opportunities for the people tasked with caring for and instructing them. The question is, what will they learn from it? What can we do to equip them with the necessary skills for being effective participants in their relationships, whether it’s with us, or with others?
I hope you’ll take a minute to respond to this article here, or on our Facebook or Twitter accounts. There’s no need for anyone to feel alone or to face difficult decisions—and stand firm in adhering to what they know is best—without the support of others around the world!
From one parent attempting to be proactive, to many others,
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
If you live in West Michigan, I hope you’ll join me on Tuesday, Nov. 10 from 7:00-8:30 p.m. at The Gray Center, City on a Hill Ministries, 100 Pine St., Zeeland, MI, for a “proactive parent” meeting. This will be an opportunity to support each other while learning more about the challenges proactive parents face, and creative strategies for addressing those challenges as we work toward interacting more effectively with our families. ALL parents are invited, regardless of the age of your child, or the presence of (or lack of) a particular diagnosis. Please RSVP by selecting the “proactive parent” option in our shopping cart at www.thegraycenter.org.
Dinnertime at our house can sometimes be stressful for me. Too often, I don’t plan meals ahead of time, so when the clock and my family’s stomachs indicate that it’s time to eat, I have to go to the cupboard and freezer to figure out what to fix for our family of five. Frequently my kids decide they need my assistance at the same time, either with homework, or addressing sibling conflicts. Although we all sit down together to eat each evening, dinnertime is a busy time for me, as I jump up to grab missing utensils, reach over to cut someone’s food, or respond to a request to pass something. As soon as the meal is finished, it’s time to clean up the kitchen, which further adds to the chaos of mealtime.
Needless to say, I enjoy occasional opportunities to eat dinner at a restaurant. Having someone else fix the meal, serve it, and clean up afterwards enables me to enjoy conversing with my family, and gives me the opportunity to really listen to what they’re saying. Usually we are all a lot calmer at those times.
Relationships are like that, I think. The more we have to be involved in the busyness of managing a relationship, the less we’re able to just enjoy it. When a family member, student, colleague, or friend needs frequent correction for the choices he or she is making and the impact that they have on others, it’s difficult to sit back and enjoy that relationship. The result may be that the two people in the interaction, whether it’s a parent and child, or student and teacher, or employee and boss, feel stressed by their relationship, and may even feel as though they don’t like each other (or aren’t liked by the other person).
The more we can manage our responses on our own, working at being socially effective, the more other people can simply enjoy being our friend, teacher, colleague, student, or parent.
At our house, we’re making changes to enable all of us to enjoy each other more. We’re working to decrease mealtime stress through designating helpers and instituting better table manners (for example, my husband insists that everyone wait to eat until I’ve had my first bite, which helps to ensure that others are not half finished by the time the food preparation is done and I get to sit down to eat). Our children are also helping more with cooking—a skill which benefits them as much as it does me! We’re each working at taking responsibility for our own socially effective responses, so that we can enjoy our relationships instead of having to correct each other or deal with added stress. I’ll write more about that next week!
Do you have favorite “stress-busters?” Do you have suggestions for table manners or other tips which you’d like to share with our readers? Please email your ideas to me or post them here, and I’ll work at compiling them for our 8300 SUN News readers in the near future.
Best wishes as you work to promote social understanding and social effectiveness, and as you enjoy your relationships!
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. For those of you who have a June 30th fiscal year end like we do (and for all of you), we’ve extended our 10% savings using coupon code DUCK09 through June 30. Create your own sale on resources related to sensory integration, bullying, Asperger Syndrome, adolescence, teaching, hygiene, Social Stories(TM), and more! This special will not be advertised on our web site, but will be available to all of our SUN News members through the end of the month. Thank you for helping us to promote social understanding for the past 10 years!
In many households and classrooms, the holidays are a time of busy schedules, unusual activities and foods, and increased sensory stimuli. For some individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), this is a recipe for discomfort and/or disaster. While some of this cannot be avoided, there are things that parents and teachers can do to help make the holidays more enjoyable—or bearable—for those with ASD. Here are just a few ideas:
Evaluate the Schedule—As a mom and former teacher, I know about the pressure to pack as much in as possible during the last few weeks of the year. Special projects, school programs, making or purchasing gifts, baking special foods, and visiting with friends and family all compete for a place on the calendar. This may happen at the expense of our own perceived sanity, as well as the comfort of our children.
1. Can something be removed from the schedule? This may require saying, “no” to a social engagement, purchasing a gift instead of making it (or the other way around, depending on what is less stressful for you and your family!), or working with friends and family to share baked goods instead of making all of them yourself.
2. Can the individual with ASD be better informed about the schedule? A visual may be helpful for them to anticipate the upcoming activities. This might take the form of a calendar, poster, or “advent calendar” counting down to Christmas or some other special event. (Advent calendars are commercially available. You can also make a paper chain with the correct number of links, having the individual remove a link each day until the special day arrives). For transitions, special events, travels, or a change in schedule, the use of a Social Story(TM) might be helpful (see www.thegraycenter.org for more information).
3. What will stay the same? Often it is comforting for people to know what will NOT be changing during a busy or stressful time. This sometimes helps to keep the changes and transitions in perspective.
Evaluate the Sensory Environment—Most environments (neighborhoods, homes, malls, schools, etc.) take on an increased level of sensory stimuli during the holidays. Lights, music, decorations, and baked or cooked treats all add to the visual, auditory, olfactory, and other sensory input. This can be overwhelming to those who struggle even on a “normal” day to process and make sense of the sensory bombardment.
1. Can something be removed? If there’s lighting, music, or some other stimulus that’s particularly disturbing to the individual, can it be removed or used only at specific, predictable times? My sons never appreciated the motion-activated “talking Santas” and other figures that danced and sang when they walked past. I made sure that we avoided those aisles in the store, or that they were turned off when we visited people who had them.
2. Be sure to provide a quiet, predictable “place away” for those likely to feel overwhelmed by the sensory environment. It should include things that are comforting to the individual—special music, a favorite toy or other item, a comfortable blanket or pillow, etc. You might even be able to work with the individual to set up this special place, and/or to schedule “down times” when it will be used (although if at all possible, it should always be accessible as needed). Some individuals may benefit from having a set of headphones available to use when noise becomes overwhelming to them.
3. Consider whether a “sensory diet” might be helpful for a particular individual. Sometimes heavy lifting (toting a gallon of milk or pulling a wagon), movement activities (jumping or swinging), and other techniques may be helpful. Your local occupational therapist might be able to provide personal suggestions for the individual with whom you live or work. You might also want to consult the resources in the “Sensory Integration” section of our web site at www.thegraycenter.org. (You’ll find that most of those resources are on SALE this week!)
Consider Dietary Factors—Parties and family gatherings provide numerous opportunities to try new, delicious foods. However, this may be upsetting to some individuals, or may create intestinal or behavioral problems for others when they eat unfamiliar foods. Some should be avoiding these treats due to food intolerances, sensitivities, or allergies. It is helpful if teachers communicate with parents about upcoming food parties, so that parents can substitute foods as needed. If attending parties, the individual can eat acceptable or comforting foods ahead of time so they are not as tempted by the foods at the party (or a parent can pack foods to take along—something I did often over the years when my kids were on a gluten-free and casein-free diet).
Other Practical Suggestions—Don’t forget to schedule “down time” for enjoying favorite activities and for sleeping. When we’re tired, we typically have a harder time dealing with sensory and scheduling stressors. It’s also important to factor in physical activity. Walking, jogging, or other forms of exercise or movement are also an important component during the holidays.
What about you? Do you have suggestions for promoting “stress-free holidays?” Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, teacher, administrator, sibling, or individual with ASD (or anyone else), we’d love to hear your creative ideas! You can post those here.
Wishing you all an enjoyable, relatively “stress-free” holiday season!
Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org
P.S. For a couple more days, you can still take advantage of our drastic price reductions on resources produced by The Gray Center! Save as much as 50 to 85% on a variety of books and DVDs! Your purchases enable us to continue to provide information and support to those who need it. And as you do your holiday shopping, we hope you’ll take time to register at www.iGive.com/graycenter to have your online purchases benefit The Gray Center—at no additional expense to you! Thank you for your support!
