Gray Center SUN News

I first sat at this table as a teacher. I was fresh out of college, with lots of great ideas, a passion for the children with whom I worked, a commitment to spending my time developing new materials to meet my students’ needs, and an optimistic view that with lots of love and hard work, every child would experience success. I also had very little experience! One mom was particularly eager to point that out one day when she and I had a disagreement about her child’s behavior in the classroom. She told me, “You don’t understand, and you’ll never understand until you’re a mom!” Of course, at the time I was both hurt and offended by her belief that I couldn’t fully understand the motives or feelings of a parent until I was a parent myself.

I sat at that table again–on the other side–just a few years later when my own child was being evaluated for signs of developmental delays. The “familiar” IEP process suddenly seemed very “unfamiliar” as I filled out forms and listened to evaluations of my son. I didn’t feel at all like an experienced teacher or a professional as I faced evidence of my son’s challenges, defended my son’s abilities, and struggled to obtain an appropriate placement and supports for him. Since then, although my children have been blessed with wonderful teachers, I have often found myself feeling awkward or insecure as I’ve sat across from them at the conference table.

I’ve talked with other teachers who have experienced similar feelings when they crossed to the other side of the table to represent their own child with special needs. I have no doubt that my inexperience as a young teacher did not make me a bad teacher. But I see that I really didn’t understand the vulnerability of a parent until I became one myself.

Over the years, I’ve learned some things that I believe may be helpful for people as they approach either side of this table:

1. Take a team approach. Recognize that almost everyone is here because he or she cares deeply about the child. Usually, people choose to teach because they love children and recognize that they have gifts in this area. The child’s parent also loves the child very much, and wants whatever is best for him or her. This isn’t an “us” against “them” situation! Instead, we’re all players on the same team, with each person playing a unique role in working toward success for the child in question.

2. Acknowledge that there ARE two sides to the table. A professional will naturally approach the situation in a manner that is different from that of the parent. Neither approach is necessarily “good” or “bad”–just “different.”

3. Keep our eyes on the goal. Formal paperwork such as an IEP can help to guide our discussions, but emotions can often threaten to distract or divide. As we remember that we’re all attempting to act in the best interests of the child, we can try to keep other topics and sentiments off the table. Remember that we are dealing with only a small snapshot in time. While we track a child’s progress and set goals for the future, we cannot predict how much any child will achieve later in life. We need to keep predictions such as these off the table –especially if they begin with, “This child will never…!”

4. Know that we are all human! It’s OK to need more time to think about something before making a decision, or to even admit to having made a mistake. It’s also OK for people to get teary-eyed as they struggle with feelings of vulnerability and fear while discussing a precious child in terms of low test scores and other unique needs.

5. Be a lifelong learner! Everyone should be committed to continuing to learn new things, whether it’s about teaching, parenting, or getting to know a particular child to better identify his or her strengths and challenges. This makes it a lot less threatening when someone points out that there’s something we don’t know, or shows us where we could be doing better.

Regardless of the side of the table you occupy more frequently, we wish you well as you seek to promote social understanding on behalf of individuals with ASD! Hopefully, this “table” can become a place of unity rather than division; a “team huddle” rather than a barrier!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

I know that many of you are well-acquainted with this and similar situations! The sheer magnitude of research and resources on bullying is an indication of the prevalence of this issue, as well as the numerous methods of dealing with it. While some people might recommend “ignoring” the teasing or “just standing up to it,” we know that these rather pat answers are not supported by research, and are not likely to be effective when applied to a situation where a child with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is on the receiving end of the unkind words or actions.

Basically, there are three people (or groups of people) involved in a bullying attempt. First, there is the child or person who is being “picked on.” There is also the instigator/perpetrator, or the person attempting to do the bullying. Finally, there are likely bystanders, or people who might be in a position to ensure that the attempts are not successful. Most successful strategies address all three people or groups.

While the “victim” should not be blamed for the bullying attempts, he or she can be helped to identify these attempts, to respond in a more effective manner, and to cope with the ensuing emotions and feelings in a positive way. Some great resources include Carol Gray’s “Comic Strip Conversations” and “Gray’s Guide to Bullying,” Kari Dunn Buron’s “The Incredible 5-Point Scale,” Gershen Kaufman’s “Stick Up for Yourself” (with corresponding teacher’s manual), Brenda Smith Myles’ “The Hidden Curriculum,” Trevor Romain’s “Cliques, Phonies, and Other BALONEY,” and Dr. Tony Attwood’s “Exploring Feelings: Cognitive Behavior Therapy to Manage ANGER.”

Parents and professionals can learn more about how to encourage positive interactions between students or children, and how to work with peers to help them understand individuals with differences such as ASD. Excellent resources for this include Ken Rubin’s “The Friendship Factor,” Carol Gray’s “The Sixth Sense II,” and “No Fishing Allowed,” Fred Frankel’s “Good Friends are Hard to Find,” and Nick Dubin’s “Asperger Syndrome and Bullying” and his DVD, “Being Bullied.”

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

I believe this is the core issue with individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD). The characteristic responses generally associated with this diagnosis (differences, deviations, or delays in language and communication, imagination or restricted interests, and social interaction) are not generally a problem–for them or for anyone else–when they are alone. Perhaps this is why many seem to prefer isolation! It’s when they are placed in a social context (i.e. a restaurant, classroom, crowded hallway, around the dinner table, or on the playground) surrounded by the opinions and expectations of others, that their authentic responses struggle or cease to be effective.

And it’s not just those with ASD who struggle to produce socially effective responses! A few weeks ago I was shopping with my two younger children. I was tired, and noticeably crabby. Finally my son said, “Mom, don’t take this the wrong way, but I can tell you didn’t take a nap!” In other words, I may have been responding at that moment in a way that accommodated my raw nerves and tired senses, but my responses weren’t working for my kids!

Complete, sustained isolation is rarely possible or desirable. How, then, do we help ourselves and others to determine whether our responses are socially effective?

First, after choosing and enacting a response, we gauge the effectiveness of the response for ourselves. In other words, we go back to “MY CONTEXT” (the starting point of the Social Response Pyramid(TM)) to see how it has changed. How am I feeling about what I did or said? What have I learned? Did my response work for me? But we can’t stop there! We cannot underestimate the importance of the social context, and of the thoughts, feelings, and responses of those around us; for it is the social context that will determine the effectiveness of our responses.

Usually, like my son did for me at the mall, other people can readily tell us whether or not our responses were socially effective. But we all need to learn to gauge the effectiveness of our responses by using the following strategies:

1. Reading nonverbal cues. Are people frowning as though they disagree with what you just said? Are they looking at their watches because they are hoping to finish this discussion soon? (This may be difficult for some people to determine, especially those with ASD. They may need to be encouraged to rely on the next two strategies).

2. Listening to the responses of others. People may be telling us to be more quiet (our response was too loud), or to listen more carefully (our responses might not have fit with their expectations, leading them to assume we misunderstood their instructions or weren’t listening), or to stop something we’re doing (our response is a hindrance to them in some way).

3. Asking for feedback from others. Sometimes we simply aren’t sure whether or not our responses worked for those around us. That’s when we can say, “Did I hurt you when I did that?” or “I realize that might not have made sense. Would you like me to rephrase what I just said?” or even, “Did you hear me? Can you tell me what I just said?”

Every time we gauge the effectiveness of our responses, we add to the knowledge and experience that forms the basis of our own immediate individual context. That means that hopefully next time, we will be more likely to make choices that lead to effective responses.

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

For weeks, my kids and I devised new ways to discourage the squirrel. We moved the suet to a bird feeder, greased the pole it was attached to, encouraged our dog to bark when the squirrel came to feed, and opened the window to shoo him away. Yet we were no match for his incredible persistence! Each time, he came back again, seemingly more determined than ever. Impressed with his strong desire to succeed in spite of difficult circumstances, we finally allowed him to single-handedly consume an entire suet cake. When that one was gone, however, we removed the suet cage and decided he would have to work (or beg) for his lunch elsewhere. Surprisingly, he hasn’t gone away! Although his efforts at securing suet ultimately have failed, he is now succeeding at finding lunch under the bird feeder, eating the seeds that the messy Sparrows scatter all over the ground. Our squirrel friend has proven to be both persistent AND resilient! (He now has been named by my children, who laughingly welcome his visit each day).

I recently read an article that stated, “Persistence means sticking with something even when it’s hard; resilience means persisting in the face of failure. Children need both to achieve their potential.” (”When Kids Give Up,” by Ida Rose Florez, Christian Home and School, April/May 2007)

Aspects of life, school, relationships, athletics, etc. may prove difficult for individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD). It’s good that parents and teachers do what they can to insure the individual’s ability to experience success. However, we don’t want to make the path too easy, or remove opportunities for failure. To do so would be to cause them to miss out on opportunities to learn persistence and resilience. Instead, guided navigation of difficult tasks, and even failures, along with instruction which ensures that they learn valuable life lessons from these experiences, is the key to helping them develop both persistence and resilience!

While we’re at it, this might be a good time to consider the benefits that parents and professionals gain from opportunities to develop both persistence and resilience! We may feel that we get abundant (and not always welcome) practice in both areas, but it likely serves us well!

If you’d like to comment on this article, I encourage you to do so here.

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org P.S. Please note that our staff will have reduced hours this week due to the Fourth of July holiday. However, we hope to unveil our NEW WEB SITE this week! Re-doing a web site as large and complicated as ours is a bit of a daunting task. I hope you’ll find this site to be both visually pleasing and easy to navigate, and full of valuable information! Be sure to visit this updated site for valuable information and several NEW products to choose from, including Michelle Garcia Winner’s NEW DVD’s!

Most of my acquaintances have one or two vehicles which they use for daily transportation. I know that this is vastly different from other places where public transportation–or even walking or biking– is widely used for navigating busy streets. Yet if we continue to live at our current location, my three children will someday be faced with “driver’s education” where they will study materials on traffic rules and vehicle safety, and venture out on the roads with an instructor before taking tests to ultimately receive a driver’s license. My oldest is still a couple of years (or months and days, according to his calculations) away from the legal driving age. That’s just fine with me, since I’m not particularly looking forward to those early white-knuckled driving days (or sitting at home awaiting my kids’ safe return once they’re driving on their own!)

However, many years ago my children and I began working to enable them to develop some pre-driving skills. Often, I ask them to “help get me there” when we’re driving around town. They give me directions such as, “Turn right at the next light, go three blocks to the bank on the corner. Turn left…” They have been building an awareness of how to navigate through busy streets to find their way around. When we encounter a detour or unexpected change, I’ll ask them what I should do. Together we weigh our options, and decide which one is best. Even if we’re going to a familiar location, we’ll experiment with different ways to get there. We talk about what we think a driver near us is going to do, and how we know (based on speed, eye contact, direction the wheels are turning, etc.) I explain to them the hazards of driving on wet or slippery roads, of driving when tired, or of being near (or with) drivers who have been drinking alcohol.

I have every hope that my kids are going to be responsible, safe drivers! Yet many of you are several years ahead of us. You’ve already navigated driver’s education, and sleepless late nights while awaiting your child’s safe return. If you have tips for assisting children in developing the skills and awareness that they’ll need in order to be safe drivers, I hope you’ll post those here.  I’m sure that others would appreciate reading your tips, and I’ll be sure to save them to review when my kids begin driving!

Others of you have helped your children find alternative ways of navigating your community when driving isn’t an option. I hope you’ll let us know about your experiences and suggestions, too!

On behalf of other parents who hope to someday stop cringing at the thought of sending their kids out on the road, thank you for sending your best tried-and-true advice!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

Let’s continue to work on this valuable construction project; building a world that’s open to and values the unique perspectives and abilities of each and every person! Now that’s true social understanding!

Laurel A. Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

P.S. If you live in or around Michigan, there’s still time to register to hear Nick Dubin speak about Asperger Syndrome on May 10! If you live too far away to join us, you can find Nick’s book and DVDs (on Asperger’s, employment, and bullying) in The Gray Center’s online bookstore. Go to www.thegraycenter.org for more information.