Gray Center SUN News

For the last several weeks, we have been looking at the diagnosis of autism spectrum disorders (ASD), along with the meaning of the term “recovery,” the variety of ways in which people view their own diagnosis, whether to pursue the diagnosis when the characteristics are present, and how and when to disclose the diagnosis.

Now for another question…Is ASD a “disability?” Are those with ASD “handicapped?”

More than likely, people have perceptions of these terms that are as varied and volatile as the feelings surrounding words such as “cure” and “recovery.” To adequately address this question, we need to first look at the abilities of people with ASD. I’ve heard the term, “differently-abled” to indicate those whose bodies or brains function differently than the majority. Certainly, those with ASD are in fact differently-abled. Their abilities often inspire awe and admiration in those who interact with them, from their often excellent memory for facts and statistics, to their ability to view life from a unique perspective, to their tendency to take people at face value, without judging them or forming prejudices.

But do their differences constitute a disability or handicap? Certainly, a practical and legal argument can be presented to enable many with ASD to receive funding or services designated for those with disabilities. In this sense, ASD technically constitutes a disability, especially when an individual fits the dictionary definition of having a condition that “prevents normal achievement in a particular area.” Many people have benefitted from such services, and in fact, could not function successfully without them. Others function at a level where such services are not necessary (or are no longer needed). Perhaps they would even fit the description for “recovery,” which I addressed a few weeks ago in the SUN News.

But beyond examining the practical and legal application of the term “disability” to people with ASD, I believe it is also important to view this topic through the lens of social understanding. Years ago I had written an article, “Balancing the social teeter-totter,” where I noted that when the scales are tipped in favor of those who are “neuro-typical,” leaving those with ASD at a disadvantage, we all bear the responsibility for stepping in and balancing that social teeter totter. This is where understanding, strategies, accommodations, and genuine kindness come in. We can all make a positive difference in the lives of those around us, even to the point where individuals with ASD do not have to feel as though they are disabled or handicapped, but where their needs are met and their strengths are celebrated, and they are appreciated for who they are.

Here’s an additional thought to ponder: I recently read an inspiring article about Scott Southworth, a US soldier who adopted a young boy with cerebral palsy from Iraq after his tour of duty there ended (Guideposts, July 2008). Although as a young single man, Southworth had been advised against taking on such a huge responsibility, he is relishing his role as a dad and an advocate. He summed up the question of differing abilities through his own definition of being “handicapped,” about which he says, “Being mean-spirited or hateful—those are the real handicaps. Love is what matters.” Southworth’s definition shows that there are many people in this world who do not have ASD, but are more “handicapped” than those who do.

Being helpful and kind can go a long way toward enabling others to live “ably.” It’s important work you’re doing as you promote social understanding all around the world—and many people are benefiting from it!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Are you planning to do any online shopping this summer? Whether you’re buying airline tickets, clothing, electronics, books, office supplies, or food, or bidding on ebay, many retailers can be accessed through www.iGive.com/graycenter, enabling your purchases to benefit The Gray Center financially (at no additional expense to you). So far we have made over $350 through your willingness to make this connection. Thank you for your support!

One of my favorite aspects of working for The Gray Center has been meeting people with a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). I find them to be genuine, interesting, honest, and talented. Their perspectives on life are unique, and often their ability to focus on one thing, or to notice minute details puts this “too busy to notice or sit still for long” person to shame.

I know that their challenges are real, and are apparent not only to them, but also to those who live with them and work with them. However, all too often their abilities go unnoticed or under-appreciated, and their contributions to society may be less than they could be if we would do more to enable and encourage them.

Autism Awareness Month is a great time to deliberately reach out to those with ASD to let them know that they are noticed and appreciated for who they are. We can take time to listen as they discuss their interests. We can write a note or Social Story(TM), or create a poster or a scrapbook congratulating them on an achievement, big or small, or letting them know we love them. We can find a way for them to use their gifts in meaningful ways. We can help them learn more about themselves in an effort to develop a healthy self-esteem and self-awareness.

Two people who speak and write very articulately about their experiences as a person on the autism spectrum are Nick Dubin and Sondra Williams. The Gray Center is providing some of their resources at a significant discount this week to enable you to purchase copies for yourself or to pass along to your local library, school district, or nonprofit organization serving your community. You can find those books and DVDs at www.thegraycenter.org. If you’re interested in having Nick or Sondra speak for your group or conference, you can write to christy@thegraycenter.org for more information.

One way to reflect on the positive attributes of Asperger’s Syndrome is to read “The Discovery of Aspie Criteria” on our web site at http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=58. This article by Tony Attwood and Carol Gray takes an appreciative look at the diagnosis as a “discovery” of the many gifts and abilities often associated with Asperger’s Syndrome. Beverly Bishop’s book, “My Friend with Autism,” helps children understand a peer or sibling with ASD. Our web site contains numerous resources for increasing the understanding of parents and professionals, as well as the self-understanding of those with ASD.

I hope you’ll take a moment to reach out to someone with ASD this month! You can also use our SUN News blog here to post a comment praising someone in your life who has been diagnosed with ASD.

And to all of my friends with ASD, thank you for enriching my life and helping me to become more understanding of others!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. It is with great sadness that we say good-bye to Alex Gilpin (son of Wayne Gilpin, President of Future Horizons, Inc.) who passed away on March 30. We are thankful for all that Alex taught us, and for the way that he so quickly accepted us as his friends. Many of us were privileged to hear Alex and his longtime friend, Scott Lambeth, speak at a conference together, including The Gray Center’s 2003 conference in Grand Rapids, Michigan. The Gray Center staff encourages you to remember Scott and the Gilpin family, as well as the extended Future Horizons family, in your thoughts and prayers as they go through the difficult days and weeks ahead.

NOTE:  Please note that our Gray Center office will be closed through next week as our staff spends “spring break” with our families. Our Grand Rapids office will be open for a couple of hours on Wednesday morning, April 9, if you need to speak with someone during the week.

Last week I wrote an article about our tendency to view others’ actions as “inappropriate behavior.” I challenged all of us to consider the antecedents for those behaviors, as well as what people know about their choices and the effects that they have on others around them.

P.S. The month of April begins this week! April is “Autism Awareness Month.” I’ll be sending out extra issues of the SUN News throughout the month to share some ideas with you, as well as notices of sales on our web site. Be sure to watch for those!

Daily, we are faced with a multitude of social dilemmas. Should we tell the truth about another person’s appearance, or should we either remain silent or tell a “white lie?” Should we tell someone about something we’ve seen or heard that is bothering us, or would that be “tattling?” Should we go along with what someone is asking us to do, or risk rejection by turning them down?

Often, the presence of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) complicates such questions. There may be missing information that needs to be taught before these situations can be addressed successfully. For example, what exactly is a “white lie,” and how is it different from an outright lie? Although we teach and promote honesty, when is it okay (or even socially effective) to tell a white lie? What is the difference between “tattling” and enlisting the help of a responsible adult when faced with a situation that affects someone’s safety or emotional wellbeing? When should we do what others are telling us to do, and how do we judge their intent or protect our own values when their requests go against what we believe or have been instructed?

A social coach can help individuals sort out some of these questions so that they are better equipped to successfully navigate social situations. Social coaching can provide needed instruction, role-playing, a step-by-step plan, and more. A social coach can also assist families who struggle to develop new patterns of interacting with a child who is growing up and needing (but possibly resisting) added responsibilities, opportunities to make their own effective choices, and to experience natural consequences.

Many of us function as social coaches, perhaps without even realizing it. We function as social coaches when we model effective interactions with others (yes, we’re often being watched), when we provide information about the choices we’re making (and the thought process that led to those choices), and when we take time to provide necessary instruction to others. The process begins in infancy, as parents, grandparents, and childcare providers teach children basic manners along with society’s rules, both spoken and unspoken. It continues throughout our lifetime, as even adults find that we sometimes need gentle correction from trusted friends and family members when we commit social errors.

Sometimes we’re faced with complicated situations which go beyond our own ability and experience. That’s when we need to enlist the help of others who may have information to help us get unstuck, or to lead us toward successful outcomes. You may have individuals in your community who can help in that way. Gray Center staff is also available to talk with you by phone, email, or in person, as you work to determine the next step in a variety of situations. If you need someone (in person or by phone) to walk alongside you to help answer pressing questions and determine an action plan, along with holding you accountable for the choices and the progress you make, we have a social coach, Dr. Dale Ranson, who contracts with us to provide these services at a minimal cost. More information about social coaching (including contact information for Dale) is available on our web site at www.thegraycenter.org.

Social coaching, whether it’s done informally or formally, is an important component of promoting social understanding!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Our featured resource this week at www.thegraycenter.org is a great book, “Counselling People on the Autism Spectrum.” It’s helpful for those of you who are deliberately working at social coaching and other forms of counseling with individuals with ASD.

A popular TV commercial questioning, “What’s in YOUR wallet?” has attempted to convince people that the credit card they carry in their wallet can drastically affect the outcome of the situations they encounter. In a similar way, I believe that our social repertoire (or “social toolbox”) can help to determine whether or not we will be socially effective in our interactions with others.

Our social toolbox consists primarily of what we are able to do, and what we know, think, believe, feel, and have experienced. Those “tools” form the basis of our expectations for ourselves and others. Our toolbox differs from that of everyone else around us. We’re continually adding to it as we learn or experience new things, and as we adapt our available tools to deal with novel situations.

I’m looking forward to talking more about this topic with audiences in Austin, Texas this week, and Holland, Michigan the following week, as together we explore the Social Response Pyramid(TM) and use it to make sense of current research and popular teaching strategies. (More information about the Pyramid is available at www.thegraycenter.org, including free templates and instructions).As you assess your own social toolbox, I hope you’re able to celebrate the knowledge and experience that you possess, the relationships that are important to you, the personality traits that enable you to be successful in a variety of contexts, and the strategies that you are continuing to add to your repertoire as you interact with others. You are an important part of the process of promoting social understanding!

P.S. Have you seen this week’s featured resource at www.thegraycenter.org? It’s “Asperger Syndrome in the Inclusive Classroom: Advice and Strategies for Teachers,” by Stacy W. Betts, Dion Betts, and Lisa N. Gerber-Eckard. It’s one of the many popular resources available in our online bookstore. If you live in southwest Michigan, don’t forget that you can peruse our bookstore and resource library in BOTH of our offices, in Kentwood and Zeeland! Our open hours can be found in our online calendar.

I recently saw a television advertisement for a financial advisor. In it, two engineers are walking along a dam on a river, checking its structural integrity. Suddenly a small crack develops, and water begins trickling out. The two individuals look at each other, obviously questioning what to do next. Then one removes a wad of gum from his mouth, and sticks it on the center of the crack. The trickle stops, and the two engineers move on. However, we’re able to see that behind them, the gum has let loose, and now the trickle of water has become a geyser, spelling disaster ahead!

P.S. Thank you to everyone who helped make our Lakeshore Open House a huge success last Thursday! The winter weather cooperated so that everyone was able to gather safely, and we enjoyed the opportunity to meet many new people, as well as renewing relationships with some old friends. Watch our web site for new programs and workshops for that location as we figure out how best to meet the needs of the lakeshore community.

I was diagnosed with myopia when I was in fifth grade. That means that until I received my prescription glasses, I was able to read my textbook close-up, but not the chalkboard in front of the room. I’ve worn corrective lenses ever since to help me see things far away.

A funny thing happened last time I went to the eye doctor. Well, I’ll admit it doesn’t feel very funny. It seems that in the process of aging, I am now on the brink of needing bifocals, since I’m no longer nearsighted nor farsighted! The fact that I find it difficult to read books or my computer screen while wearing glasses proves the doctor’s point. I’m now shopping for a pair of interim reading glasses.

It has struck me that there’s a hidden truth here related to social understanding. Many of us have “social myopia.” We can readily see what we do well, but tend to be blinded to the gifts and abilities of others. Or perhaps on the flip side, we think we’re the only ones who feel overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, financially pinched, etc., while overlooking the fact that many others feel the same way.

As we examine the process of social understanding, we can sometimes find a need for “social reading glasses.” These would help with our tendency to see things “my way”–in a somewhat distorted version of reality where neither our own abilities/challenges nor those of others are seen with great clarity or accuracy.

Obtaining “social corrective lenses” may not be as simple as driving to the nearest drugstore, yet it need not be overly difficult. Here are a few steps to head us in the right direction:

1. Recognize the problem. Identify in yourself one or two areas which could use improvement (if we’re honest, there are usually at least that many)!

2. Distance yourself. When I was 13, my mom’s complaint that her “arms were too short” seemed both strange and funny. Sorry, Mom–I’m not laughing anymore! Without reading glasses, I find that I also have to hold small print farther away in order to be able to read it. Sometimes we need to take a real or imaginary step back from a social situation in order to see it, understand it, and respond to it more effectively.

3. Keep learning. Ask questions of the people with whom you live and work–without assuming you already know the answers. Attempt to get to know them and to see things from their perspective. Utilize resources such as “The Hidden Curriculum” (Brenda Smith Myles–available at www.thegraycenter.org) to better understand the social information that those with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) may be missing, and how you can help.

A glance at a dictionary confirms that “myopia” is “nearsightedness; a condition of the eye when objects are seen distinctly only when near the eye.” However, a second definition is this: “lack of foresight or discernment.” Now there’s a social point to ponder!

Best wishes for improved social foresight and discernment, which will likely benefit both you and those with whom you live and work!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

Many schools are making efforts to educate their teachers, staff, and students about autism spectrum disorders (ASD), and to fully include those with ASD and other diagnoses. Laws mandate some aspects of this, colleges provide at least basic instruction to future teachers, and advocacy groups work to ensure that progress is ongoing.

Obviously, there is much work to be done in this area. The good news is that awareness of the problem is increasing, as are measures to address it. The Gray Center is currently collaborating with several area organizations and churches as part of a worship renewal grant received from the Calvin Institute of Christian Worship . The purpose of the grant is to enable churches to raise awareness and provide training so that those with disabilities (any disability) can be fully included in worship. If you live in the West Michigan area, you can attend a workshop at First Baptist Church of Middleville on Saturday, February 2nd. Details are available at www.thegraycenter.org. (This workshop specifically addresses the needs of those with ASD, although my Social Response Pyramid presentation contains information that can be applied much more broadly). Other church workshops are being planned for later in the spring in Holland, Michigan–watch our web site for further details.Several resources are available to help parents and worshippers better understand ASD and how to minister to those with the diagnosis, as well as their families. Some of my favorites include, “Autism and Your Church” and “Helping Kids Include Kids with Disabilities” by talented educator/author/presenter Barb Newman, as well as Sondra Williams’ book, “Reflections of Self.” As a person with ASD, Sondra offers incredible insight into her ability to understand God, as well as some of the issues she has encountered as she has looked for a comfortable and welcoming place to worship. The Gray Center is pleased to make available a presentation that Sondra gave at a church workshop last year. That can be purchased and downloaded at http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&product_id=188. (NOTE: The Gray Center will be committing 100 percent of the proceeds from the sale of Sondra’s book, DVD, and MP3 download through April to our new Sondra Williams Endowment fund. Details of this new fund will be added to our web site as they become available.)

Friendship Ministries is an international, inter-denominational ministry committed to sharing God’s love with people who have cognitive impairments and to enable them to become an active part of God’s family. They have many educational resources available, including information about forming “Friendship Classes” at your church. This is an exciting ministry that provides a welcome place for those with disabilities, with lots of one-on-one interaction and instruction. More information can be found at www.friendship.org.There are many other wonderful resources, including books, web sites, and organizations dedicated to promoting awareness and providing practical assistance in this area. If you know of others that you’d like to recommend, please post those here.

P.S. Gray Center lakeshore events being planned: OPEN HOUSE, Thursday, Feb. 7 from 4:30-7:00 (you’ll receive a FREE gift just for participating!), and Girls’ Group, Wednesday, Feb. 20. Go to www.thegraycenter.org for more details. And you won’t want to miss our next Family Resource Expo on Saturday, September 27th in Grand Rapids! Last year we had about 40 exhibitors, four presenters, lots of activities for the kids, and over 500 attendees!

I once heard it wisely said, “The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary!”

Another reason for the unrealistic goals named by the young people may be a lack of understanding of the difference between a goal and a dream, or at least between a short-term and a long-term goal. If you’re currently unemployed, while you may dream of someday being a manager at a prestigious business, a worthwhile goal, at least initially, is to simply get a job. An action plan can lay out the steps for targeting jobs that fit your interests and abilities, applying, interviewing, and of course, developing good work habits so that you’re able to keep a job once you’re hired.

As parents and teachers, we may, at least inadvertently, be contributing to others’ misconceptions regarding the important connection between work and success. How much do we do for our children and students rather than with them? Does supper seem to magically appear on the table, and clean laundry in drawers? Do we just “know” how to deal with injuries, arguments, and sudden changes in schedules? If we don’t outline the steps we take toward successful outcomes (whether those steps are physical/tangible or mental/intangible), we may be guilty of giving others the idea that success comes easily or automatically, and can be expected to arrive the same way for them.

Next week I’ll outline specific strategies for helping yourself and others in your life to work toward success!Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

Note that our new Zeeland (Michigan) office will be staffed on Monday, January 7, and most of the following Mondays. We may also be open on Wednesdays. Check our online calendar for specific details. We’re looking forward to meeting many of you there! Our Grand Rapids office will still be open for visitors, callers, and those who email.

Are you crafting New Year’s Resolutions for 2008? I’m guessing your resolutions don’t read like this: “This next year I’m going to keep _____________ (i.e. eating, spending, etc.) like I always have.” Usually our resolutions revolve around something that we identify as needing a makeover. Our weight is too high, our wallets are too thin, our jobs could use revitalization, our relationships have gone stale, etc.

Change is inevitable. We change our clothes when they become dirty, we dress differently for a special occasion, and we update our wardrobe as styles come and go or we outgrow (or wear out) our current attire. Family situations are transformed or modified due to death, illness, a new job, a child moving on to college or his own apartment, divorce, marriage, etc. Jobs change, classroom requirements change, and the seasons change.

We can get excited about making a New Year’s resolution as we picture a “New Me” or a “New Life” as an adventure or an obvious improvement over our current situation. Yet how many of us have the ability to hang on to that enthusiasm and determination through the New Year, let alone through the first month (or week)?

The truth is, the possibility of change often makes us uncomfortable! This is even truer for individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), who tend to prefer routine and consistency. They may be frightened by the unpredictability of the unknown. Even the language of change can be discomforting to them. Words such as “new, different, and change” can provoke very strong reactions in them.We can adapt our language to suit their need for predictability; to give them the information they need in a calm and reassuring way. When we know their “trigger words”–or those that cause them great anxiety, we can find words that are less provocative to them. For example, the words “another, additional, extra, superior, or better” may be less frightening than “new” or “different.”

However, sometimes what we don’t say is as problematic as what we do say! I still chuckle when I recall the story of family friends who were getting ready to move to a new house. They had been preparing their three-year-old for the upcoming changes by telling him how much he’d like his new bedroom, the new large backyard for playing ball, and the new basement. They were surprised that he didn’t seem very excited, until finally one day he burst into tears and said, “It sounds OK, Mommy, but I sure am going to miss you and Daddy!” In their desire to get him prepared for upcoming changes, they neglected to reassure him about those things that would stay the same! In his young mind, he had a picture of everything being new, and all the old, familiar, comforting things disappearing forever! With this in mind, don’t forget to provide that information whenever you discuss a change or transition. Help your audience hold on to those things which bring stability and comfort whenever possible, thereby easing the anxiety surrounding the knowledge that not everything will stay the same.