I’ll be the first to admit that it would be nice if my children obliged immediately every time I made a request. I would love to have them come to the dinner table without objecting that they’re having too much fun playing with a friend, or go to bed nicely without insisting that they still have homework that needs to be completed (or that their classmates don’t go to bed that early), or refrain from purchasing an item when I explain that it’s too expensive or that they’re not likely to use it longer than the five minutes it takes to drive home from the store. I do my best to be a good parent, and to teach them to respect my authority and to do what’s expected of them in a timely and orderly way. But while it’s tempting to train them to follow my instructions without discussion or complaint (and in fact, there certainly is a time and a place for that), I have come to the conclusion that I am sometimes thankful for the objections they raise.
You see, I want my children to think about what’s being asked of them. I want them to make connections to what their friends are doing, consider other obligations that they’re facing, and give voice to their feelings and preferences. I want to give them opportunities to occasionally influence my decisions, or to hear me explain how their objections might appear to me or to others, and the effect that this has on the outcome of the situation (i.e. the consequences that they face). These are learning opportunities, and their objections and discussions give evidence that they are engaging in important thinking processes.
I’ve spent the last few weeks considering the variety of prompts that enter my world, seemingly attempting to get me to comply without questioning the validity of the request or the potential outcome. I receive emails telling me to open an attachment, click a link, download new software, send personal information, or forward the email to all of my friends. My ability to think through the request and consider the consequences has helped to protect my computer , my personal information, and my friendships. My navigational GPS tells me, “NOW, turn left.” My ability to consider the fact that the light is currently red, or another car or a pedestrian is in the way, has protected my personal safety and that of my family and others on the road at the same time as me. Mail insisting that I open a new checking account or credit card has been shredded and disposed of, given that I know I don’t need to comply with their instructions when I don’t need a new checking account or credit card.
There is great value in learning to question validity or reasons for requests, and to consider potential outcomes. If the result of this type of valuable thinking is that I spend more time giving my children reminders, or providing more information about my instructions and the reasons for them (or helping my children to better understand their options and the consequences of each), then I consider that time well spent. I am aware that if my focus is simply to get them to comply with my commands, they are more likely to comply with outside commands such as those I’ve detailed here, or even the instructions of potential bullies or others who would take advantage of them. (Go to www.thegraycenter.org for helpful resources on bullying, as well as the book, “Why Do I Have to?”—a great resource for kids who are trying to understand the requirements and directions that they face each day).
There are times when following prompts ensures the safety of our children and students. And of course, it is also important to teach them respect and obedience. However, when immediate safety is not at stake, and when we are building in opportunities for them to learn respect and obedience, there is tremendous value in giving them the opportunity to learn from the process of questioning, challenging, and predicting.
Best wishes as you guide your children and students through this process. I’m right there with you, learning as I go, but what an exciting and worthwhile journey it is!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
Amen! I agree that we need to teach the next generation how to think. Not to blindly accept all the commands and requests, but to give them thought and consideration. This was very well written and I love it!!
Comment by April — September 26, 2011 @ 4:14 pm