Welcome to a special edition of the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network! I’m writing this in response to the many requests I get for support for parents—note that at the end of this article, there’s information about an upcoming parent meeting in Zeeland, MI.
My husband and I try to be proactive parents! Although our children sometimes complain, they would tell you that they do not dislike us for it; in fact, during moments of honest reflection, they would likely tell you that it has earned us their respect.
What is a proactive parent?
A proactive parent wants what’s best for her children, but recognizes that sometimes they have to earn it, go without it, or lose it before they also value it.
A proactive parent allows his children to sometimes falter, fail, and fall, knowing that failure will teach them more about succeeding than his constant rescues ever could.
A proactive parent clearly spells out reasonable but high expectations, and holds firm (without giving in or back-tracking) until her children achieve them. Her children learn that their own good choices generally lead to good consequences, and their bad choices often lead to unpleasant consequences, because she consistently allows them to experience this. Although they like to blame their proactive parent for the consequences that they dislike (and all too infrequently thank her for the good ones), they eventually learn that they can receive more frequent rewards by making more good choices—and they try to take responsibility for their bad choices.
A proactive parent is gentle but firm, flexible yet consistent, empathetic but unwavering. He recognizes and respects where his rights and responsibilities end and where his children’s begin…and through his expectations and responses, teaches his children to do the same.
A proactive parent is willing to forgo present thanks and pleasure for future rewards. She recognizes that today’s trials lead to tomorrow’s triumphs, both for herself and her children.
A proactive parent knows that his children’s verbal, emotional, and physical resistance to his “no” will eventually go away when they’re ready to move on to the next request. And then he will feel stronger for holding firm, and his children, like steel refined by fire, or a tree strengthened by the wind, will also be stronger.
Proactive parents know that neither they nor their children are perfect, and while their standards are high, through unconditional love and acceptance, they create a physically and emotionally safe environment in which their children can experience both failure and success.
They may sometimes doubt their effectiveness as parents, feel guilty for being “tough” on their children, dislike the children’s sometimes hurtful responses, feel isolated and alone, and grow weary from adhering to high standards. Yet they believe that “tough love,” although it isn’t always “warm and fuzzy love,” builds character and enables people to interact more effectively with others.
Thankfully, most proactive parents catch glimpses of greatness as they go about the work of parenting. Just as she might enjoy a gleaming floor after spending hours on her hands and knees scrubbing and polishing, or catching her reflection in a window that she has worked hard to clean, a proactive parent begins to see that her efforts are reaping rewards. As his children exhibit honesty, kindness, respect, responsibility, integrity, good work ethics, forgiveness, and flexibility, he sees that they, too, are on their way toward being proactive parents —or teachers, therapists, and friends–who hold themselves and others accountable while also being kind and supportive.
Are you a “proactive parent?” Do you wish you could be? I think we need to be more deliberate in supporting parents, teachers, counselors, and others in their work of promoting social effectiveness through the types of expectations and natural consequences that I detailed in this article. In fact, I am not able to be a proactive parent alone! My husband is a huge support as he patiently provides love, encouragement, and instruction to our children and to me. We work with our children’s teachers to ensure that we all have similar expectations both at home and at school, as we teach responsibility and hold our children accountable. Grandparents and other family members, friends, and neighbors also help in the important task of raising our kids to be kind, responsible, and productive individuals. This type of teamwork is what is intended by the common saying, “It takes a village!”
Kids provide daily opportunities for us to learn to be proactive parents, including throwing a tantrum if they don’t get what they want, refusing to do their chores, asking for more money (after wasting their own), making hurtful comments, and stressing our resolve through whining, asking incessantly, sulking, or making threats. Children around the world provide these fabulous learning opportunities for the people tasked with caring for and instructing them. The question is, what will they learn from it? What can we do to equip them with the necessary skills for being effective participants in their relationships, whether it’s with us, or with others?
I hope you’ll take a minute to respond to this article here, or on our Facebook or Twitter accounts. There’s no need for anyone to feel alone or to face difficult decisions—and stand firm in adhering to what they know is best—without the support of others around the world!
From one parent attempting to be proactive, to many others,
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
If you live in West Michigan, I hope you’ll join me on Tuesday, Nov. 10 from 7:00-8:30 p.m. at The Gray Center, City on a Hill Ministries, 100 Pine St., Zeeland, MI, for a “proactive parent” meeting. This will be an opportunity to support each other while learning more about the challenges proactive parents face, and creative strategies for addressing those challenges as we work toward interacting more effectively with our families. ALL parents are invited, regardless of the age of your child, or the presence of (or lack of) a particular diagnosis. Please RSVP by selecting the “proactive parent” option in our shopping cart at www.thegraycenter.org.
Welcome to SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
There are a variety of factors that lead to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) when they occur together. For the next few weeks, The SUN News will cover each of those, not in an attempt to fully describe them, but to further explain the implications of each area as it relates to interactions with people with ASD.
One characteristic of ASD is the presence of delays or deviations in language and communication. Both expressive and receptive language may be affected, although typically expressive language is a strength for those diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. These individuals may sound like “little professors,” even at a very young age, and particularly if they are talking about an area of special interest. However, understanding language (what they read or hear), answering questions, and using language socially are typically more of a challenge for them. “Small talk” can be difficult for those with ASD, both because of the fast pace and back-and-forth nature of it, as well as the mundane topics such as weather, jobs, family members, etc.
So much of our daily communication takes place outside of the actual words that are spoken or written. Instead, meaning is derived from context, tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions. People with ASD naturally gravitate toward the actual words, and often miss the intended meaning because they have difficulty “reading” the other factors (noticing them, understanding their significance, and responding effectively).
Some individuals with ASD do not use verbal language to communicate, or have very limited words or signs to indicate their needs or thoughts. My friend Sondra Williams, a woman with high-functioning autism, has shared that she was “non-verbal” or had very limited verbal ability until about the age of five. As an adult, she is re-examining the memories she has of her childhood, and is finally beginning to put words to the thoughts and feelings she was experiencing at that time. In other words, although she couldn’t begin to process those things when she was young, she is now able to comprehend what was happening, and how she felt about it. Her phenomenal ability to share her experiences with the rest of us has been captured in her writing and poetry in the book, “Reflections of Self,” and her DVD, “Define Me,” both available at www.thegraycenter.org. Sondra and others have provided a vivid reminder to me that even when someone does not use verbal communication, they may have a wealth of ideas to share with the rest of us. I’m thankful that assisted communication, sign language, and other methods are helping some individuals with ASD to connect with others in a way that had been previously unavailable to them.
Basically, simple language tends to be more of a strength for individuals with ASD than complex language. When we “say what we mean and mean what we say,” we are communicating in a way that is more likely to be understood by those with ASD. We can also help by “using our words” to explain our thought process, and to clue them into the facial expressions, body language, and context clues that contribute to intended meaning as they participate in social interactions with others. Using visual cues, and providing plenty of “think time” as they retrieve information stored in their memory can help those with ASD be more successful in their interactions with others.
More information and strategies can be found in resources by authors such as Linda Hodgdon, Carol Gray, Tony Attwood, Michelle Winner, Diane Twachtman-Cullen, and also Catherine Snodgrass, who has written a delightful book, “Super Silly Sayings that Are Over Your Head,” which depicts idioms in a fun and engaging way. All of these resources—and many more—can be found at www.thegraycenter.org.
It’s important to remember that each individual with ASD is more than the sum of their diagnostic differences. Each will also be characterized by a unique personality, interests, abilities, and more. As we celebrate the uniqueness of each person, we can also be better equipped to understand their differences and respond in a way that will help all of us to be more successful in our interactions with one another!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center
P.S. Our featured resource this week is “Simple Strategies that Work.” It’s an easy-to-read and easy-to-implement resource which contains great information for working with individuals with ASD and related disabilities. We’ve recently added this title and several others—find each one in the “new titles” category at www.thegraycenter.org!
