Welcome to SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
Daily, we are faced with a multitude of social dilemmas. Should we tell the truth about another person’s appearance, or should we either remain silent or tell a “white lie?” Should we tell someone about something we’ve seen or heard that is bothering us, or would that be “tattling?” Should we go along with what someone is asking us to do, or risk rejection by turning them down? How can we better understand others and interact more effectively with them?
Often, the presence of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) complicates such questions. There may be missing information that needs to be taught before these situations can be addressed successfully. For example, what exactly is a “white lie,” and how is it different from an outright lie? Although we teach and promote honesty, when is it okay (or even socially effective) to tell a white lie? What is the difference between “tattling” and enlisting the help of a responsible adult when faced with a situation that affects someone’s safety or emotional wellbeing? When should we do what others are telling us to do, and how do we judge their intent or protect our own values when their requests go against what we believe or have been instructed?
A social coach can help individuals sort out some of these questions so that they are better equipped to successfully navigate social situations. Social coaching can provide needed instruction, role-playing, a step-by-step plan, and more. A social coach can also assist families who struggle to develop new patterns of interacting with a child who is growing up and needing (but possibly resisting) added responsibilities, opportunities to make their own effective choices, and to experience natural consequences.
Many of us function as social coaches, perhaps without even realizing it. We function as social coaches when we model effective interactions with others (yes, we’re often being watched), when we provide information about the choices we’re making (and the thought process that led to those choices), and when we take time to provide necessary instruction, encouragement, and accountability to others. The process begins in infancy, as parents, grandparents, and childcare providers teach children basic manners along with society’s rules, both spoken and unspoken. It continues throughout our lifetime, as even adults find that we sometimes need gentle correction from trusted friends and family members when we commit social errors. And we all benefit from encouragement whether we’re struggling or things are going well!
Sometimes we’re faced with complicated situations which go beyond our own ability and experience. That’s when it may be helpful to enlist others who may have information to help us get unstuck, or to lead us toward successful outcomes. You may have individuals in your community who can help in that way. The Gray Center also has coaching services available, which you can access by phone or in person. I provide social coaching to help you “get unstuck,” or to determine the next step in a variety of situations, along with “Social Response Pyramid Coaching” if you’d like help using the Pyramid at home, in the classroom, or in any other setting.
If you need someone to walk alongside you to answer pressing questions, help you set goals, and determine an action plan, along with holding you accountable for the choices and the progress you make, go to http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=118. (NOTE: You can receive a discount on coaching and consulting services by signing up soon!)
Coaching, whether it’s done informally or formally, is an important component of promoting social understanding!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org
P.S. The Gray Center has many resources at www.thegraycenter.org which can assist you as you coach others. Be sure to check out resources by Carol Gray, Brenda Smith Myles, Ellen Korin, Cheri Meiners, Kari Dunn Buron, Michelle Garcia Winner, and more, as well as my “Social Response Pyramid” KIT—a perfect opportunity to coach yourself and others in being socially effective!
Welcome to the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
I suppose some people might call me an expert. I’ve achieved many things in life which might earn me that distinction. After hundreds of hours of experience, studies, and the successful completion of an exam, I recently earned the designation of Certified Family Life Educator. I am the Executive Director of The Gray Center, and have been working with this wonderful nonprofit organization for ten years. I am certified as an elementary teacher (and enjoyed some wonderful years in a classroom with engaging students), and have been a parent for over fifteen years. And I have been living and learning on this planet for over forty years.
Yet I would be the first to state unequivocally that I am not an expert!
Perhaps it’s helpful to begin with a definition to make sure we all have the same understanding of what it means to be an expert. Dictionaries tend to define expert as “someone with special skill or knowledge.” Under that definition, I suppose we would all find some area in which we could claim expertise.
My reluctance to view myself as an expert does not mean that I deny or do not appreciate the special skills and knowledge that I have acquired over the years. Instead, I identify closely with a quote from Henry Ford, well-known contributor to the automotive industry in America. He is reputed to have said this: “None of our men are ‘experts.’ We have most unfortunately found it necessary to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert–because no one ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the ‘expert’ state of mind a great number of things become impossible.”
I am always learning! In fact, I find that the more I know, the more I realize I don’t know. I am always changing “my CONTEXT”, the strategies available to me, my understanding of the social context and my effect on it, and the choices available to me for socially effective responses (I explain these terms more in my “Social Response Pyramid” resources, available at www.thegraycenter.org ). If viewing myself as an “expert” will raise me—in my own mind or that of others—to a status of one who has “arrived,” and knows enough to stop learning, then I don’t plan to ever achieve that distinction. Instead, I view myself realistically as someone who has an opportunity to learn from every interaction with every individual whom I meet, whether for a long time or a brief contact. I am a learner, in the process of becoming better educated about myself and those around me. The possibilities for myself and the other learners I encounter are truly endless!
I have been privileged through my work at The Gray Center to learn from many of you. Thank you for your emails, phone conversations, and the visits we’ve had over the years! I have also had many opportunities to share some of what I’ve learned along the way, through our web site and this SUN News feature, through emails and visits, and through the speaking that I’ve done at in-services and other workshops. Soon, you’ll have an opportunity to meet with me for “social coaching,” or “Social Response Pyramid(TM) coaching,” which I’ll describe in greater detail in our upcoming Gray Center Spotlight article.
I hope you’ll use our new topic blog at http://thegraycenter.blogspot.com/ to share your ideas and information with other visitors, and stay in touch with The Gray Center and each other through Facebook and Twitter. Together we can provide valuable information and support to help ourselves and others achieve and celebrate success!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. If you’re in the West Michigan area, please join us Thursday, October 1 from 4-8 p.m. for our FREE autism expo! More details are available at www.thegraycenter.org.
Welcome to the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
Many parents, school-workers, and employers carefully adapt tasks and environments to suit the strengths and challenges of their children, students, and employees. This adaptation enables people with unique challenges to be successful, similar to the way that their peers are able to be successful without the adaptations. This is an important component of social understanding—understanding when to provide necessary supports and modifications to give everyone an opportunity to be socially successful.
However, there’s an inherent danger in jumping to adapt things for anyone, whether it’s people with disabilities, young children, teens, or even family members. This past spring I heard Johnnie Tuitel give a presentation about living with a disability (you can find video clips of Johnnie on YouTube). Johnnie is the author of the “Gun Lake Series” adventure books for teens featuring a person with a disability. Johnnie has cerebral palsy, and has been in a wheelchair or used braces and crutches for most of his life. Obviously, many environments and tasks have been adapted over the years to enable him to experience success. However, he made the comment that when we are too quick to adapt materials, expectations, activities, and situations to fit the special needs of one person, that person can get to the point where he or she believes, “It’s all about me!”
We all like to do things according to our own preferences, abilities, and interests. But it’s a fact of life that most of us are forced to adapt throughout the day to do things another person’s way, or to stretch our own abilities or interests to accommodate others. Learning to recognize this and respond effectively is a valuable skill that should be taught and reinforced beginning at a young age.
How can we encourage each person to use their gifts and abilities to benefit others?
Reach out to others, leading by your own example, and deliberating involving children and young adults, including those with disabilities. Do you make financial contributions to charitable organizations like The Gray Center? (You can give online at www.thegraycenter.org). Encourage others to earn money to give, also. Maybe they can choose a charity that interests them, whether it’s an animal shelter, summer camp, worship center, homeless shelter, or organization related to the arts. Do you give food to pantries that benefit those who do not have enough to eat? Have your children help select food at the grocery store, and help deliver it to the pantry. Sometimes around the holidays there are opportunities to actually deliver the food to needy families—that’s a great opportunity to expand our social horizons to become more aware of other people and their needs! The Gray Center sells a beautiful children’s book, “Reach Out and Give,” by Cheri Meiners, which helps to illustrate the need—and benefits—of giving to others. The description of the book reads, “Even very young children can help to make the world a better place. This book begins with the concept of gratitude, because feeling grateful is a powerful motivator. Words and pictures show children contributing to their community in simple yet meaningful ways. Includes discussion questions, a philanthropy role play, generosity games, and ideas for service projects.”
Not only is it important to give of our tangible resources like money, but also to give of our time and talents. Volunteering is an excellent way to give back to our community. And many organizations rely on the help of volunteers, especially when the economy makes it more difficult to pay staff. The Gray Center is thankful for the people who give of their time and abilities to keep our nonprofit organization running. Jane and Nelson have volunteered for over five years! Julie helped us for a couple of years, and Rachelle and Amy have joined us since our move to our new office. Volunteering is a great option for people with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), since it gives them opportunities to make new connections and to learn valuable skills. And as Teresa Bolick pointed out when she spoke at our spring conference, employers tend to be more willing to teach workers and to overlook “quirks” when the individuals are volunteering rather than being paid. The site of our new office, City on a Hill Ministries in Zeeland, Michigan, is a great place for people to volunteer. They have mentors in place to train and oversee each volunteer, and the presence of numerous individuals with special needs (who come for schooling and for respite) means that tenants in the building are very accustomed to working with individuals with disabilities.
While giving of our money, time, possessions, and talents can serve to teach or remind us that “it’s not all about us,” it can also feel pretty good to reach out to others in this way! There are definite rewards to looking beyond our own needs and challenges, and to helping others do the same. I often hear parents say that their child wouldn’t be able to be involved in one of these ways for one reason or another. Yet they’re usually also frustrated by the selfish tendencies they see in that child. I’d like to challenge each of you to find a way to help others get involved in meaningful ways with other people. Otherwise we’re depriving them of a valuable opportunity to learn important life skills, to gain helpful experience, and to interact with new people, perhaps forming meaningful and long-lasting relationships!
Best wishes as you continue to promote social understanding by encouraging and enabling everyone to be involved in giving back to others!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. The Gray Center is in need of volunteers! We’d love help with our October 1st Autism Expo, and would also like to find some parents, grandparents, young adults, or other community members (including those with ASD) who would be willing to work in our office once a week to answer phones, greet visitors, and help with projects. Please contact me at laurel@thegraycenter.org if you’re interested in any of these opportunities! (If you’re not in the West Michigan area, I hope you’ll consider making a donation to The Gray Center and/or helping another organization that can use your time and talents!)
Welcome to the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
“I don’t like that man. I’m going to have to get to know him better.” I came across this quote recently, attributed to early American president Abraham Lincoln. Do you have someone in your life who fits this description? What can we do to understand—and possibly improve our appreciation for—another person? One way is to utilize my “Social Response Pyramid(TM)” by asking ourselves the following questions:
Author Max Lucado has written, “…patience always hitches a ride with understanding.” Increasing our understanding of other people may or may not help us like them, but it is likely to increase our patience with them, and to help us interact more effectively with them.
Best wishes as you work at better understanding those with whom you live, work, play, study, and interact!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. You can find more information about each of the areas described in this article in my DVD workshops, “The Social Response Pyramid” and “Bridging the Gap.” They and the Social Response Pyramid KIT (which contains Pyramid pieces and an instructional/demonstration DVD) are on SALE this week at The Gray Center, along with all the other resources (by Carol Gray, Sondra Williams, Michelle Winner, and Kari Dunn Buron) mentioned in this article! You can use the search feature at www.thegraycenter.org to find each resource. Hurry—sale ends Friday!
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Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding www.thegraycenter.org
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