Gray Center SUN News

Welcome to SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network! Today’s article is Part Two of a series begun last week, which was originally written in 2007.

Last week my SUN News article detailed three steps to promoting social understanding. Step one focused on understanding ourselves, and making sure that we “make sense” to those around us. Step two focused on understanding others. This may be a difficult step for those of you living and working with individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD)!

Frequently in past issues of the SUN News I’ve quoted from my Page-A-Day calendar. Here is another quote I encountered this past spring while using that resource: “Try to understand why people do what they do. They have their reasons even if we don’t know what they are.”

Have you ever thought about that with respect to individuals with ASD? We are quick to view their comments, silences, meltdowns, and actions as meaningless, unanticipated, inappropriate, or even defiant. Yet I believe that if or when they are able to process and to voice explanations for their actions, they usually have very valid reasons for them!

What then causes them to do what they do? Here are some possible explanations:

1. Sensory processing. Each of us is constantly bombarded by sensory information. What our brains do with that information can vary widely, and can produce just as wide a variety of responses! But frequently those responses are perfectly valid given the way that our brains processed the input. Do you perceive a noise as painful? It makes sense that you would cover your ears, run from the noise, or try to drown it out in another manner. Are you adverse to certain sensations? Then it seems appropriate that you would avoid getting your hands dirty (and any tasks that would lead in that direction), or refuse to wear particular clothing, or react abruptly (or even forcefully) to distasteful touch. These responses make even more sense when paired with some of the following explanations.

2. Being motivated by special interests. Individuals with ASD typically have an area (or areas) of intense interest, to the exclusion of others. They may ignore or refuse other topics or activities, not to be rude or disobedient, but because they are more interested in –or feel compelled to follow–opportunities to pursue or engage in their special interest.

3. Inability to glean from external assistance. The nature of their diagnosis makes it difficult for individuals with ASD to learn from past experience, to establish a connection between rewards, consequences, and their behavior, or to ask for help from others.

4. Misinterpretation of language or the social environment. ASD often causes individuals to interpret things literally, to miss intended meanings, to overlook or misunderstand social expectations, and to incorrectly process what they hear (auditory processing), see, or experience. Their lack of information or experience may also make it difficult for them to anticipate how others will respond, or to communicate how they are feeling or what they are thinking.

5. Unique personality traits and characteristics of their age and maturity level. Sometimes people “do what they do” because they are young and inexperienced, or because their personality dictates that they are more extroverted or introverted. Many years ago Carol Gray wrote an excellent article entitled, “Honey, I Shrunk the Syndrome.” It was a great reminder that many of the behaviors that we observe in individuals with ASD cannot–and should not–be attributed to their diagnosis. Sometimes they may make an inappropriate choice, or an immature decision, or take an uncalculated risk, just because they’re human. Let’s face it–haven’t we all “been there, done that” many times over?

If we keep an open mind, and make a true effort to understand why those around us do what they do, we will make great strides in our efforts at promoting social understanding. My quoted calendar entry ended with these words, “When we try to understand why people do what they do, we have more compassion.” What a great goal–to become more compassionate parents, teachers, administrators, therapists, doctors, neighbors, and friends through our efforts to better understand ourselves and others!

Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator

Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Would you like to learn more about people with ASD and the factors that contribute to their responses to us and others in their social context? The Gray Center has a variety of resources available at www.thegraycenter.org. I also travel around the country giving presentations and trainings to parents, teachers, and conference attendees. If you’d like to hire me to train your district, parent group, etc., email me at laurel@thegraycenter.org.

Social skills often masquerade as a “one size fits all” panacea for which we can develop and enforce a list of rules and regulations. But like a T-shirt that hangs on one person’s frame or stretches to cover another, an approach based on listing and teaching “social skills” is likely to fall short of the social needs of individuals.

A social skills approach may be eager to instruct students to “make eye contact” with others. But if students lack the social understanding to use eye contact effectively, they will miss important social cues about the thoughts, feelings, and intent of others. They may convey rudeness to those with whom they are interacting if they appear to be staring, or if they fail to avert their eyes when it would be socially appropriate to do so.

Social skills training may teach an individual that it is socially acceptable to give compliments to others. Yet if social understanding is not encouraged, this individual may give the same compliment to everyone he or she meets, not taking into account the appropriateness of the occasion, the compliment, or the audience.

Many teachers and parents identify a need to teach students how to approach others to play on the playground or be included in a classroom activity. Looking for an easy-to-implement process, they hope to provide a recipe for these individuals to walk up to a group, say the magic words to join in with the others, and enjoy a successful and productive interaction. Yet if peers are not prepared for possible awkward attempts at interacting, or if an individual with ASD does not grasp (or agree with) the value of interacting with others, whatever “magic words” are spoken are not likely to produce the desired effect. Instead, repeated failure convinces the individual that attempting to join others is not worthwhile, and reinforces negative expectations of his or her peers.

How then do we teach social understanding? Many experts have tackled this subject very successfully. Notable authors include Carol Gray, Michelle Garcia Winner, Brenda Smith Myles, Kari Dunn Buron, and Catherine Faherty, just to name a few! Although there are many helpful techniques and approaches, I believe there are some very basic premises which should always be applied:

1. Evaluate and re-evaluate how and why we do what we do. (Does it make sense? Is there a better way? Do others perceive this the same way we do, or are there other interpretations?) Social understanding starts with understanding ourselves and being open to productive and creative change when necessary!

2. Work to understand the individuals with whom we live, study, and work. When an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is part of the equation, it is important to have a working knowledge of the differences and delays involved, as well as potential strengths. But it is even more crucial to know the individual–personality, likes, dislikes, manner of engaging with the world, current understanding of various aspects of life, etc. (This topic will be further addressed in next Monday’s issue of SUN News!)

3. Work to help others understand themselves and the world around them. Again, when ASD is involved, we can help these individuals understand how they process information, how they may view life differently than others, and how they can set and reach goals in spite of–or because of–their diagnosis. (Notable resources include books by Beverly Bishop, Catherine Faherty, Ellen Heller Korin, and Yoko Yoshida.) If we have been successful with Step One, we can also help others understand how and why we do what we do.

An emphasis on “social understanding” instead of “social skills” helps to ensure that we are all more genuinely involved in others’ lives, and not just “going through the motions.” I believe it also presents increased opportunities for success and happiness, as well as better relationships, for all who are truly committed to promoting social understanding.

Best wishes as YOU work to promote social understanding in your corner of the world! If you’d like to share your own ideas or experiences regarding this topic, you may do so here!

Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator

Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. The Gray Center offers a variety of resources by the authors mentioned above, and much more! Check out the selection at www.thegraycenter.org. Your purchases help The Gray Center provide information and support to people around the world. Thank you for partnering with us in this way!

Our local newspaper has a slogan that reads, “The Grand Rapids Press: Be someone who gets it.” It’s a clever play on words that I find quite “catchy” (no pun intended). Not only do they want each reader to be someone who physically receives the newspaper, but they’re implying that those who read the Press “get it”—understand the world around them because of the information they’ve read.

I’ve occasionally heard a person refer to him or herself as “The Social Guru” or “The Queen/King of Social.” They’re claiming to “get it”—to both understand, and to respond effectively to social stuff. Social success, we’re led to believe, is something they have achieved for all time.

I believe that there are some people for whom social success comes more easily. They are good at “reading” and responding to unwritten social rules and conventions. They have a personality which helps to put others at ease; perhaps they’re outgoing, kind, funny, and good listeners. Yet I also fear that making claims which seem as though they have achieved the highest level of social success—and are able to sustain it through all time– can be deceiving for the rest of us who sometimes struggle to get even a taste of social success.

You see, I believe that we all struggle—at least at one time or another—to achieve social success! Adolescence is an age when many young people struggle socially, yet each one may fear that he or she is the only one to feel that way. We all have done or said things that didn’t work with another person, and we’ve been left feeling awkward and unsuccessful for a time. Some people feel this way some of the time; others may feel this way almost all the time!

Many “social rules” cannot be applied 100 percent of the time and lead to social success each time. For example, at my house, we remove our shoes when we walk in the front door, because it helps to keep the carpet clean. If I apply that as a social rule to every house I enter, believing that it is the most respectful thing to do, I can end up offending or frustrating hosts who don’t want me walking on their floors without shoes! Some table manners that I learned as a child and have passed on to my own children, may actually appear rude when I’m in another country. Cultural differences and personal preferences are just a couple of things that can make it difficult to achieve consistent social success.

So how can we be someone who “gets it” and experiences the joy and fulfillment of interacting effectively with others?

1. Keep an open mind, being aware that the things we’ve learned about social success may work better with one person, or at one time, than another. Always be open to learning new things, about ourselves, and about the people around us. Remember that “social” changes from one interaction to another, because we’re interacting with unique individuals!
2. Take time to think. Unfortunately, the nature of “social” is that it often appears to happen at lightning speed! Sometimes we can let others know that we need more time. Other times we can use calming techniques which help us focus on the important details without getting “stuck” in our emotions or fears, or our assumptions of personal social grandiosity.
3. Keep trying! We all experience social failure—or social stumbles—sometimes. Don’t give up, but figure out what you can learn from the experience, and work to apply that knowledge in future interactions.

Sometimes we make the mistake of assuming that those with a diagnosis such as autism spectrum disorder (ASD) are the ones who are awkward or unsuccessful socially. While it’s true that they may have a more difficult time reading unwritten social rules and responding effectively with others, we all need to be working at being someone who gets it!

Are you someone who gets it? I’ll be the first to admit that I’m still working on it. I’m thankful for the social successes that I’ve experienced, and am trying to be deliberate about learning from my failures. You can respond to this article here. Your input is highly valued as together we work at “getting it!”

Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator

Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. There are many great resources available to us as we work at “getting it”–and help others to do the same. You can find many of those at www.thegraycenter.org!