Boundary Intelligence

In past issues of The SUN News, I have mentioned the importance of boundaries. There have been many resources written on this topic, most notably for me those by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, and Jane Adams. In reading a book by the latter, I came across the term, “boundary intelligence.” It’s a fascinating concept; one which I can perhaps explain best through the use of an analogy.

I would guess that most homes have an “official entrance,” whether it’s a front door, side door, or back door. Both family members and guests enter through that door. Close relations might have keys, more distant friends and relatives, as well as strangers, use the doorbell or politely knock, and then wait to see if the owners will give them access to the home. The official entrance is a way of indicating ownership of all that lies within the walls of the home. The homeowner has both rights and responsibilities regarding everything inside that entrance, and the door allows them to protect those.

Individuals who do not respect those physical boundaries, and attempt to gain access to a home without following these guidelines, often end up being charged with a crime. If they break a window, force a lock, or enter through an unlocked door in the dark of night without the permission of the homeowner, we would say that they have gained “unlawful entry.” We expect that they will bear the consequences of that decision to disregard the homeowner’s boundaries by paying a fine, performing community service, or even doing some jail time.

People who have healthy personal boundaries (and good “boundary intelligence”) have a figurative “official entrance.” They are aware of their own rights and responsibilities, and those of others, and are careful to safeguard all of them. Unfortunately, not everyone respects those boundaries. There are those who disregard the “front door” of a potential relationship with a person, and instead, seek alternate ways to gain entry.

What does this look like in the real world?

Those who have healthy boundaries can be noted by their ability to exercise self-control, to accept responsibility for their own choices, and to be respectful of the rights, responsibilities, and perspectives of others.

What about those who seek alternate ways to gain access to such people? Think of those who do not respect other people’s “no,” whether it’s in a dating relationship, a situation or discussion between colleagues, spouses, or siblings, or an altercation on the playground or in the classroom. There are also those who try to control a person indirectly through another relationship—perhaps through the other parent, or through a sibling, through a therapist, or through a mutual friend. It’s easy to recognize that boundaries are being violated in the case of bullying or abuse. But there can also be boundary issues between a parent and child, or teacher and student, who are struggling to find balance in their relationship, with the right amount of authority, obedience, responsibilities, and consequences.

My new resource, “The Social Response Pyramid(TM) Instructional Kit,” contains an instructional DVD with a real-life video clip of a boundary discussion I had with my son. It’s important to understand the differences between ourselves as individuals, and the rights and responsibilities that we each have—and to take ownership of resulting consequences. The Pyramid provides a visual representation of boundaries, in that each of us is represented by a well-defined Pyramid containing our own contexts (what we know, feel, expect, remember, believe, are able to do, etc.), our own strategies, and our own responses. This is distinct from those around us, who also have their own boundaries defining their contexts, strategies, and responses. The next step is figuring out how to safeguard our boundaries, for the sake of ourselves and those with whom we live and work.

While “boundary intelligence” refers to the varying degrees of understanding and application of boundaries that are part of who we are as individuals, the concept of boundaries can also be taught and reinforced. It’s important to talk about different people’s responsibilities, and provide consistent reinforcement through our voiced expectations and natural consequences.

Best wishes as you work to promote boundary intelligence with those with whom you live and work—as well as yourself!

Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator

Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

A Pyramid Week

I’ve often written about my educational tool, “The Social Response Pyramid(TM).” I know that some of you as far away as Australia and the UK have used this tool in your own work and parenting. Until recently, I had primarily used the Pyramid in my presenting and teaching to help parents and professionals better understand how people (including those with autism spectrum disorders, or ASD) process input and respond to it, as well as how various popular teaching strategies (including Social Stories, Social Behavior Mapping, The Incredible 5-Point Scale, and The Planner Guide) can be used to help guide students (and ourselves) toward more socially effective responses.

Last week I promised to tell you more about how my family is working on taking responsibility for our own responses so that we can enjoy our relationships. Several months ago, my family and I decided to commit to using the Pyramid regularly for a week, to see how it worked for us. Many weeks later, we’re still using it regularly! Sometimes my husband or I will tell our kids, “We need to have a Pyramid discussion about this situation.” Other times one of the three kids will suggest it. The results have been very interesting for all of us! We’ve been very pleased (and sometimes surprised) to discover the following:

- The tool works well for all of us, from the seven-year-old to the middle-aged family members (and even reluctant teens have found that it’s beneficial!)

- It’s a tool that’s inexpensive, fast, easy to use, and very effective. It only takes a couple of minutes to have a “Pyramid discussion,” but it almost instantly calms frayed nerves and helps individuals articulate what they were thinking, why they responded the way they did, why their response did or didn’t work, and what different choices they could make in the future. They’re also able to find a way to begin to repair a relationship as they handle a situation which involved conflict. Instead of me telling my kids why they shouldn’t make a certain choice, or what to do about a negative situation, they’re able to come up with that information—and implement it– themselves.

- It’s a whole lot more effective to use the Pyramid to generate socially effective responses than it is to muddle through an interaction using “authentic responses” like yelling, reprimanding, crying, etc. For years I’ve been telling my children to “use their words” when they’re upset or when they want something. This tool gives them an opportunity to do that with terminology that we all understand and can identify with. (It also helps me deal more effectively with their sibling conflicts without getting frustrated or upset).

- It’s been surprising how often we have all the information we need to be socially effective, but our own thoughts, needs, perceptions, or emotions keep us from accessing that information when we respond to others. The Pyramid helps us stop to think through what we’re doing or saying, with the result being that we all get along better!

- We are not the only ones who have noticed a difference in our interactions with each other. Visitors (including the kids’ friends) have asked about the Pyramid pieces lying around or the Pyramid-related comments that we make to each other, and have wanted to learn more about what we’re doing. They quickly begin using the same terminology, and are able to grasp the concepts well in order to participate in our discussions.

Our whole family has been learning a lot, and we’re eager to share the information that we’ve gleaned with all of you! I’ve posted a few video clips of our family Pyramid discussions on YouTube (just do a search on “Laurel Falvo.”) I now have a KIT available for purchase at www.thegraycenter.org, which will give you all that you need to implement the tool as soon as you receive it. The kit contains an instructional DVD (with more information about social effectiveness and several examples of real-life discussions I’ve had with my children, illustrating what can be done with the Pyramid), two laminated contexts, templates for creating your own Pyramid pieces (just cut out, color, and laminate if desired), and an additional instruction sheet.

Last time I presented on The Social Response Pyramid(TM), one person asked, “Is that being done in every school, because it should be!” I informed him that it’s not being done yet because very few people know about it. I’m hoping that as you become more familiar with the tool, you’ll provide feedback that will guide my work in developing new resources related to the Pyramid. Please feel free to email me your suggestions or your stories about how you’re using the Pyramid, or complete and mail the feedback form contained in the Pyramid kit. My goal is that the Pyramid would be a tool that helps all of us interact more effectively with each other, so that we can enjoy all our relationships!

Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator

Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

laurel@thegraycenter.org

P.S. You can now purchase the Social Response Pyramid KIT on our web site. This brand new resource will be ready to ship by June 30!

Enjoying Relationships

Dinnertime at our house can sometimes be stressful for me. Too often, I don’t plan meals ahead of time, so when the clock and my family’s stomachs indicate that it’s time to eat, I have to go to the cupboard and freezer to figure out what to fix for our family of five. Frequently my kids decide they need my assistance at the same time, either with homework, or addressing sibling conflicts. Although we all sit down together to eat each evening, dinnertime is a busy time for me, as I jump up to grab missing utensils, reach over to cut someone’s food, or respond to a request to pass something. As soon as the meal is finished, it’s time to clean up the kitchen, which further adds to the chaos of mealtime.

Needless to say, I enjoy occasional opportunities to eat dinner at a restaurant. Having someone else fix the meal, serve it, and clean up afterwards enables me to enjoy conversing with my family, and gives me the opportunity to really listen to what they’re saying. Usually we are all a lot calmer at those times.

Relationships are like that, I think. The more we have to be involved in the busyness of managing a relationship, the less we’re able to just enjoy it. When a family member, student, colleague, or friend needs frequent correction for the choices he or she is making and the impact that they have on others, it’s difficult to sit back and enjoy that relationship. The result may be that the two people in the interaction, whether it’s a parent and child, or student and teacher, or employee and boss, feel stressed by their relationship, and may even feel as though they don’t like each other (or aren’t liked by the other person).

The more we can manage our responses on our own, working at being socially effective, the more other people can simply enjoy being our friend, teacher, colleague, student, or parent.

At our house, we’re making changes to enable all of us to enjoy each other more. We’re working to decrease mealtime stress through designating helpers and instituting better table manners (for example, my husband insists that everyone wait to eat until I’ve had my first bite, which helps to ensure that others are not half finished by the time the food preparation is done and I get to sit down to eat). Our children are also helping more with cooking—a skill which benefits them as much as it does me! We’re each working at taking responsibility for our own socially effective responses, so that we can enjoy our relationships instead of having to correct each other or deal with added stress. I’ll write more about that next week!

Do you have favorite “stress-busters?” Do you have suggestions for table manners or other tips which you’d like to share with our readers? Please email your ideas to me or post them here, and I’ll work at compiling them for our 8300 SUN News readers in the near future.

Best wishes as you work to promote social understanding and social effectiveness, and as you enjoy your relationships!

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

 

P.S. For those of you who have a June 30^th fiscal year end like we do (and for all of you), we’ve extended our 10% savings using coupon code DUCK09 through June 30. Create your own sale on resources related to sensory integration, bullying, Asperger Syndrome, adolescence, teaching, hygiene, Social Stories(TM), and more! This special will not be advertised on our web site, but will be available to all of our SUN News members through the end of the month. Thank you for helping us to promote social understanding for the past 10 years!

Sailing Through Life

Several months ago, I married a sailor. I had no sailing experience; in fact, I had no desire to sail. Needless to say, I am now interested in sailing, although I have a lot to learn!

A couple of weeks ago our family took a “maiden voyage” on Lake Erie (one of the Great Lakes on Michigan’s coastline.) It was quite an experience! As I learn more about sailing, I realize that this activity has many parallels with daily life:

- Life on a sailboat, from sailing to sleeping, is lived in very close quarters. Much of our everyday lives also puts us in sometimes closer than desired contact with other people, making it difficult to find time for ourselves, stressing our patience, and making it incredibly important that we utilize all the strategies available to us in order to respond effectively to those around us.

- Sailing takes place within a “rectangular social context.” I use this term with my Social Response Pyramid(TM) to indicate times when we may feel like we’re alone on the open water, but are in fact sharing space with others, and need to be thinking about them and producing effective responses. On this past sailing expedition, while we were under sail, a fishing boat turned into our path. It was a sudden reminder that we were not alone, and even though we had the right-of-way, we needed to take evasive maneuvers to avoid a collision. In life, even when we think we’re acting alone, whether we’re shopping alone in a crowded shopping mall, or walking through school hallways on the way to class, we need to be ready to change our responses to ensure that they work with those around us.

- It’s difficult to predict when you’ll have rough sailing. After spending a night in a peaceful little bay on Kelleys Island, we headed out onto the big lake. The four to six foot waves were much larger than we had expected, making us feel a little queasy, and causing us to change our strategies (we motored instead of sailing, and used a sea anchor to hold the stern of the boat steady). Life is like that. When we get up in the morning, we often don’t know what the day will hold, but need to adjust as we go, being thankful for the calmer moments, and prepared for the more turbulent ones.

- “Auto-pilot” doesn’t work when you’re under sail. While my husband adjusted the sails, my job was to run the tiller. The tiller is attached to the rudder, which moves back and forth to steer the boat toward the destination. As a novice sailor, I was surprised to find that this job requires a constant re-adjustment of the tiller. As the wind blows against the sails, adjusting the tiller too far one way deflates the sails and makes the boat lose power. Over-adjusting in the other direction causes the sailboat to heel, or tip way to one side. Trying to hold the tiller in one place is impossible as the wind and waves tug at the rudder. Often in our everyday lives we would like to think we could use a favorite teaching strategy, or select one goal for ourselves or those with whom we live and work. But as we go through life, we find that the strategies we use and the goals we develop need to be constantly re-adjusted in order to meet changing needs and available resources.

- The vessel is sea-worthy. Novice sailors such as my children and I tend to be overly concerned about every movement of the boat, especially as it heels (or tips) toward the water. Noises through the night such as a rope clanging against the mast, or the centerboard bumping under the hull, can cause some sleeplessness as we wonder whether the boat is still securely held by the anchor or is ready to crash into the nearby rocks. Through experience, we’re learning that the boat was built to withstand the wind and waves, and we become more comfortable adjusting our position (and thoughts) while we’re sailing, or going to sleep in spite of the new sounds and sensations. In real life, we often become easily frustrated or anxious when we face stressors of various kinds. Usually we manage to eventually navigate safely through those to “calmer waters” of comfortable routines and less stressful situations.

- The adventure and thrill of learning and experiencing new things is worth the occasional trepidation and frustration that comes with sailing, whether through water or through daily life! It’s been my experience that autism spectrum disorders (ASD) can sometimes produce turbulence in the lives of parents, teachers, and even individuals with the diagnosis. It may occasionally feel like you’re struggling to achieve your goals or to stay afloat in your parenting, work, and daily living. Yet I also know first-hand the tremendous thrill of living and working with, as well as learning from, those who have autism or Asperger Syndrome. Their unique perspectives and responses can sometimes be as refreshing as a day of sailing in bright sunshine and warm breezes!

Are you interested in sailing? My husband recently published a book detailing his experiences sailing on Lake Michigan. He has donated several copies of “South Manitou Delight” to The Gray Center to make available to you. The book can be purchased at www.thegraycenter.org, and 100% of the proceeds will enable The Gray Center to continue to provide autism information and support!

As summer approaches, my family and I hope to spend more time on the sail boat. I’m sure I’ll be thinking about more ways that sailing parallels the experiences that life brings my way. I hope that as you navigate the experiences of your daily lives, you’ll value both the calm waters and the more thrilling sailing conditions, being thankful for the calm when it’s there, and ready to face more stressful challenges as they arise.

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. This week you have an opportunity to create your own SALE at www.thegraycenter.org! Just use coupon code DUCK09 when you check out, and you’ll automatically save 10% on your entire order. It’s our way of saying “thanks” for supporting us through our ten years of working to promote social understanding!

Personal Space

Understanding personal space is one area of difficulty for many individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD). Frequently, this leads to social problems, as they sit or stand too close to someone, touch another person inappropriately, and even react unexpectedly or harshly to an invasion of their own personal space. Parents, teachers, and caregivers note additional difficulties when teaching about personal space, including how to deal with a child’s inappropriate touching of his or her own body while in public.

One important concept to teach is “comfortable distance.” When helping a child to understand comfortable distance or personal space, it may be helpful to provide visual and concrete examples. One analogy that can be used as a bridge between the abstract concept of “comfortable distance” and its practical application is an inner-tube or “hoola-hoop.” An adult can place the circular object around his or her own waist to show the child where the boundaries of personal space lie. Another inner tube placed around the child’s waist can provide an opportunity to demonstrate the proper distance to maintain when sitting next to another person, walking through a hallway, or standing to talk. The child can also be taught (and later, prompted) to remember to keep an elbow’s distance from other people. Photos can be taken of the child standing an appropriate distance from another person, sitting next to—but not touching—a classmate, etc., which can be referred to later as a visual prompt.

There is a portion of personal space that is more “personal” than the rest. This is often referred to as “private” space. Much of that is body surface that is covered by a bathing suit (for a male, the area between the waist and thighs, and for a female, that area as well as the chest area). Generally, when we think of touching other people, we also consider other areas to be “off limits”, including the face and neck, while other areas, namely the arm, the back, the hand, and the top of the head (especially if you are a child!), are usually the first to be touched when someone’s personal space is purposefully “invaded.”

Teaching the concept of personal space is complicated by the fact that most people adjust their own perceptions of personal space—and acceptable touch– depending on their location and the people with whom they are interacting, or their “social context.” For example, they may accept a smaller personal space and more invasions of that space on a crowded sidewalk or while sharing an armrest with a stranger in a movie theater, or snuggling with a loved one, bumping up against teammates, etc. If a child has difficulty understanding or anticipating times or situations when less personal space or more intimate touch is indicated, he or she can be taught to ask permission to enter another person’s space. For example, the child may ask, “May I sit here by you?” or even, “May I give you a hug?” However, the fact remains that many of the “invasions” of their own personal space will be unexpected, coming without warning. (For children, these episodes tend to happen more frequently, due to both the unpredictability—and high activity level– of children, as well as the tendency of adults to touch children—tapping them on the head, ruffling their hair, putting an arm around them, etc.) Instead, children with ASD need to be prepared to “expect the unexpected” and how to respond effectively.

Using trade books, pictures in magazines, or other visual examples, a child can be guided to understand different types of touch. Depending on the understanding of the child, assistance can range from, “Show me two people who are holding hands,” (identifying different types of touch) to, “Why do you think they are holding hands?” (helping to understand why and when exceptions to unwritten personal space “rules” are acceptable).

Besides using concrete visual examples to teach the concept of personal space, many children will benefit from Carol Gray’s Social Stories(TM), which help to provide the “missing pieces of the puzzle,” as they struggle to understand how and when they should touch – or avoid touching—other people. For example, a Social Story could describe how the inner tubes help some children learn about personal space, and how we try to imagine that amount of space to decide where to sit or stand so everyone feels comfortable. Some Story examples related to personal space can be found at http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=77.  Remember that these Social Stories may need to be adapted to suit the abilities and age of the child, as well as the cultural or familial attitudes that apply to that child. A Comic Strip Conversation could also show a child what others may think or feel when someone stands too close, in contrast to when someone stands at a comfortable distance.

In addition, some children may be struggling with the concept of personal space because of problems with sensory integration. Sensory integration dysfunction occurs when the senses are not working together to process sensory input (including touch, sight, smells, and sounds), and the child’s brain does not integrate all of the information to properly decode and respond to it. A light tap or brush against the child’s arm may be perceived as a hard hit, and the child may respond accordingly.  A lack of awareness of where his or her own body begins and ends (a common problem for those with sensory integration dysfunction) can cause a child to bump into others or to step on their toes, and similar difficulties may lead the child to use excessive force when the intent was only to give a friendly pat on someone’s arm.  An occupational therapist can help to determine whether this is an issue for a particular child, and through a sensory diet and sensory integration therapy, can help the child to better process sensory input.

Of course, the child with ASD is only one half of the “personal space equation.” Parents, teachers, and caregivers can help to protect the personal space of the child with ASD. It may be helpful to ensure that classmates do not sit so close to the child that unnecessary “bumps” are going to occur. The child can be allowed to stand at the back of the line, where the only personal space she needs to be concerned about lies directly in front of her (or if the child cannot handle being in the back, he or she can be placed alongside a line of children while they are learning about personal space and developing strategies to adapt effectively to more or less personal space).

Parents and professionals can also model their own corrections of personal space “errors” by verbalizing, “Oops! I’m getting a little too close to all of you”…and then, after moving away slightly, “There, this is more comfortable for me, and you, too, I’ll bet!”

Classmates, too, can learn to respect the personal space of others, including their peer with ASD.  One helpful resource is Carol Gray’s Sixth Sense, a lesson plan for helping children understand those who struggle with understanding the thoughts and actions of others.

As with most concepts, it is important to approach “Personal Space” through a variety of ways, helping the child with ASD to understand a complicated social phenomenon that many people take for granted.

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. To learn more about writing your own Social Stories(TM) or Comic Strip Conversations(TM), you can purchase training materials at www.thegraycenter.org, or find additional Social Story resources such as books, Quarterlies, and Storymovies(TM) which you can adapt for your audience. Note that for one week, we are offering a SALE on all Social Story resources in addition to the other items included in our moving sale!