Responding to Failure

Awhile back, I was approached by a person who I expected was prepared to give me a compliment. Instead, I was caught completely off-guard when he criticized me and implied that my efforts had no value, not only for him, but for anyone else.

My “authentic response” was one which came from my current state of shock. I believe I mumbled some form of apology, but I have little recollection of the next several minutes, as his words played and replayed in my mind. As the shock wore off, I felt a mixture of anger (how dare he criticize me in this way?), shame (was I really that worthless?), and discouragement (for a few moments, I literally felt like retreating to a secluded place and vowing never to try again)!

As the shock wore off and time dulled the initial pain and surprise, I began processing the experience. First, I realized that his response to me was also an authentic response. It was produced based on his own perceptions, experiences, thoughts, feelings, and expectations. He may or may not have had an understanding of my context, or the desire or ability to produce a response that would have been more socially effective (i.e. one that would have kept my self-esteem intact, and enabled me to have a more positive view of this person). When I looked at the facts, I realized that he did not speak on behalf of others (even though he implied otherwise), but that his comments represented his own subjective opinion.  I also realized that there was a hint of truth to his perspective, and that I could use the experience to learn a different way of doing things.

In the next few hours, I experienced more creative thinking, writing, and brainstorming than I had in the weeks preceding this uncomfortable incident! Suddenly I began coming up with new ideas for resources, teaching strategies, and other choices that I could implement in my life. I had a whole new understanding and appreciation for the hurt people can cause each other, but also the incredible growth and regeneration that can arise from disappointment, criticism, and other negative experiences.

I was surprised to arrive home that night to find that the latest issue of “The Reader’s Digest” had arrived, with a front cover headline which read, “Bounce Back from Anything: The New Science of Success.” The indicated article was based on brain research which has shown that failure can trigger brain “neurons firing, growing, and forming new connections.” Some people’s brains actually further grow and develop in response to failure!

Many of us experience more frustration or failure in our daily lives than we do success. While the successes are wonderful, and definitely worth celebrating, there is tremendous value in learning how to handle frustration and failure. How we respond to it, what we learn from it, and how it guides our future responses are all crucial aspects of our own ability to be socially effective!

While I would find it difficult to thank this person for his unkind comments, I am able to recognize that I have grown and become better at what I do because of the experience. I wish all of you the same ability to flourish in the face of frustration, and to help those with whom you live and work to do the same!

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

Sowing Seeds of Social Success

A few years ago, I designed and planted a beautiful flower garden in front of my house. Soon afterward, we moved to another house that sported weeds and rocks in front. There, I resorted to flower boxes on the porch rail, and after admittedly “cheating” the first year by “planting” artificial flowers, the next year I sowed lush little plants that slowly began to cascade down the sides of the pots. Then I moved again! At each location, someone else is now able to enjoy the flowers that I planted. Other people will watch the sprouts begin each spring, buds develop, and strong shoots reach up for the sun. People other than me will cut the flowers and bring them indoors to grace the dinner table.

At my current house, I have a flower garden that was until recently covered with a deep blanket of snow and ice. The perennials in this garden were planted by the former occupants of my home, yet soon I’ll be enjoying the fruits of their labor as the flowers are beginning to emerge from the ground.

I’m struck that our work of promoting social understanding is a bit like sowing seeds. Through our words and actions, we sow seeds of compliments, encouragement, support, information, instruction, and understanding. Yet many of us rarely get to enjoy the fruits of our own labor. Consider this:

-A specialist delivers a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) for an individual, but does not get to follow that person’s progress beyond one or two office visits.

-A teacher works with a child for one year, and then passes that individual on to another grade and another teacher.

-A therapist assists an individual through a difficult time, and once goals have been reached, his or her work is considered finished.

-A psychologist or other professional sees an individual only periodically, and doesn’t have the time with his or her current caseload to be involved in many other aspects of that person’s life.

-A grandparent spends time with his or her grandchildren, showers love and affection on them, and then sends them home again for a short or long time.

-A child develops a friendship with a peer, only to have that friend move to a new school or classroom.

-A parent works hard to instill decent morals, work ethic, academic skills, and socialization in his or her children. Yet this parent also deals with the day-to-day challenges inherent with raising children, and may have difficulty identifying progress or potential.

At times, it may be discouraging to realize that although we continually strive to promote social understanding and social effectiveness, we might not be able to see the results in each person with whom we live and work. Yet here’s what I find exciting: This newsletter is being sent to over 8100 people around the globe. Each of you is sowing seeds of social understanding. That means that all around us, we are able to reap the rewards of other people’s labor! We can actively look for the beauty that others have sown: kids that are sensitive to others’ needs, parents who are sympathetic to a teacher’s workload and responsibilities, administrators who take time to listen to and appreciate the children in their schools and the families they represent, people who recognize the potential in each individual, regardless of the presence of a diagnosis, teachers who are flexible enough in the classroom to accommodate the variety of needs and strengths possessed by their students, etc.

Promoting social understanding and social effectiveness is extremely important, whether we get to reap the rewards of our efforts, or whether we enable someone else to do so. Let’s keep sowing those seeds!

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

laurel@thegraycenter.org

P.S. The Gray Center has a lot going on right now, including moving to a new location, holding sales in our bookstore, and asking friends to support our critical financial needs. To stay on top of all that’s happening, to see how you can be involved, or to stay in touch with us and with each other, go to www.thegraycenter.org, or join our new Facebook Gray Center “fan club” at http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/The-Gray-Center-for-Social-Learning-and-Understanding/75092568294?ref=mf.

The Important Role of Social Contexts

Last week I wrote about social effectiveness, and the importance of keeping “socially effective responses” as our primary goal in interacting with others. I mentioned the difference between what I call “authentic responses,” and those which are socially effective.

An authentic response is one that we generate without thinking. It’s a genuine response to how we’re feeling, what we know, what we’ve experienced in the past, what we’re expecting, what our abilities and current needs are, etc. It stems from who we are as individuals at that given moment in time. One person’s authentic response to a situation may be completely different than another person’s authentic response to the same situation. And in fact, one person’s authentic responses may change over time or with changed circumstances. Consider this: What would you do or say if you stubbed your toe while walking? That’s an authentic response—a genuine response to pain and surprise. Depending on the level of pain, or how tired or stressed you are, or your current favorite vocabulary for expressing pain and surprise, your authentic response may be different on one day than it is on another. But it’s not likely to be exactly the same as everyone else around you.

Sometimes, authentic responses work very well! If we’re alone at home and stub a toe while walking, that particular word we utter may work for us; it may make us feel a little better, even if it doesn’t exactly remove the pain. But if we utilize the same authentic response in other social contexts, for example, a crowded board room as members are gathered to review our performance, or walking into a crowded concert hall or theater after the performance has started, it’s not likely to work with the other people gathered around us, which in turn affects how they think about us and interact with us. We may respond authentically to a funny joke by laughing out loud. This may work effectively to get others to laugh along with us. However, if this happens in the middle of math class when we’re supposed to be listening to the teacher or working quietly on an assignment, it isn’t likely to be socially effective; in fact, it may get us into trouble! An authentic response used in the wrong social context is not likely to help us be socially effective!

A socially effective response is one which utilizes the strategies available to us, combined with an awareness and understanding of those around us, to choose a response that’s likely to work with the other people in our current social context.

I believe that in general, there are two basic types of social contexts. When using The Social Response Pyramid(TM) in my parenting and educating, I represent these with two shapes: a circle and a rectangle. (These are not to be taken literally in terms of their shape; instead, they represent a type of interaction). The circular social context is when we are deliberately interacting with other people. This context occurs at the dinner table when family or friends are gathered to eat and converse, in class when a teacher is interacting with students, and in a staff meeting at a school, business, or organization. In this type of social context, people may more readily see the need to be thinking about others in the interaction, and responding in a way that works for both themselves and others. When we are truly alone, we are not being social, and therefore are not part of a social context. However, there are times when we may think we’re alone, without considering the fact that we’re actually part of another type of social context, which I represent with a rectangle. This is when we’re acting alone (in our bedroom doing homework when our family is downstairs, or walking through a shopping mall without talking to anyone), when in fact we’re surrounded by other people who we need to be thinking about to ensure that we can still be socially effective.

Notice that as I define it, a social context isn’t a physical location; it’s a type of interaction! In other words, it’s more about people than place. A circular social context can be found at school as four students are working on a group project, deciding what their topic will be, dividing up the work, coming together to discuss their results, etc. It can also be found when a cluster of students is gathered in the hallway to talk about what they did last night. A social context represented by a rectangle can also found at school, as students pass each other, walking through the halls toward their next class, or as they sit in study hall, each working on their own homework. (Note that there can be overlapping or co-existing social contexts; one or more circular contexts within a rectangular one, or some people interacting closely, with others sharing the same space, but not interacting with them.)

Obviously, people differ from one another in their ability to adequately “read” and respond effectively to the social context. One hallmark of autism spectrum disorders (ASD) is that people with this diagnosis struggle with this. Their challenges in the areas of executive functioning, theory of mind, emotional/social intelligence, boundary intelligence, gestalt processing, etc. create gaps in their ability to make necessary connections with others and experience social success. But they’re not the only ones who experience challenges and gaps in these areas! Although these “building blocks of social development” develop throughout our lives, different people develop them at different rates, and to different degrees. Our age, experiences, personality, abilities, preconceived ideas, sensory and other needs, and more, can all affect our understanding of the social context (and our connection to it) and our ability to produce socially effective responses.

Would you like more information about how we can increase understanding of social contexts? We still have a limited number of DVD copies of my recent workshop presentation “Bridging the Gap” available for purchase on our web site.

Fortunately, we all have the wonderful capacity to continue learning. And we all have ongoing opportunities to better understand ourselves and others, and to continue working toward being socially effective!

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

 

P.S. The Gray Center’s main office is moving, and you have a chance to benefit! Rather than move boxes of DVDs and books, we’re giving you an opportunity to purchase them at a significant discount. Check out the “SALES” section of our web site at www.thegraycenter.org. Hurry—some are being discontinued, and will only be available until our last copy is sold!

Help The Gray Center Get Our Ducks in a Row!

Have you ever felt like a “different duck?” Most of us have days when we either celebrate or bemoan our uniqueness. But The Gray Center thinks it’s GOOD to be one of a kind!

YOU are one of a kind! The Gray Center is pleased to have you as a member of our Social Understanding Network, and we’re grateful for the work you’re doing around the world to help promote social understanding and effectiveness.

People with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) are one of a kind. Although they may share similar traits which lead to a diagnosis, they each have their own unique interests, personality, abilities, dreams, fears, and challenges.

The Gray Center is a one of a kind organization. Where else can you go for FREE email and phone support, a web site with practical information and ideas, access to a lending library and bookstore with valuable resources, low-cost support groups for parents, young adults, girls and boys, helpful workshops and presentations, connections to an extensive community network, and a resource such as our FREE weekly Sun News articles?

If you have benefited from any of The Gray Center’s resources over the past few years, months, weeks, or days, please consider making a tax-deductible donation to our nonprofit organization. The current economic conditions have negatively impacted both The Gray Center and many of the individuals and families that we serve. Already we have had to significantly cut our staff hours, which reduces our ability to meet the needs of our friends around the world. We continue to hear that people value our programs and resources, but we can only continue to provide those through your generous financial support!

As The Gray Center prepares to move to our new office (which will enable us to reduce our operating expenses), you can help us “get our ducks in a row!” You can give quickly and safely at www.thegraycenter.org (or send a check to 4123 Embassy Dr. SE, Kentwood, MI  49546). All donations will be acknowledged with a receipt, and if you give more than $10, we’ll hang a duck on our wall in your honor! Please tell your friends and family about The Gray Center, and encourage them to also help us in our time of need. Let’s see if we can fill our new office with ducks representing Gray Center supporters!

Thank you in advance for your generous support. Together, we can celebrate our individual uniqueness, as well as our strength in working together to promote social understanding and effectiveness!

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Our Gray Center Girls’ Group has painted rubber ducks representing their own individuality and creativity. You can purchase a poster of those ducks on our web site. You can also download our “one of a kind” donation flyer off our web site, and distribute it to other potential supporters (Does your doctor know about The Gray Center? Your child’s teacher or school administrator?  Your childcare provider?) Thank you for your support!

Social Effectiveness

For years, I’ve been speaking and writing about social understanding. It’s a fitting topic, not only because I believe it’s so important, but also because it’s part of the mission of the organization I represent: The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding. Social understanding helps us to recognize that “social” cannot be done alone, but that two or more people are involved in a social interaction. Each participant in a social interaction needs to understand himself or herself, as well as others, in order to make the interaction work.

I’ve often likened a social interaction to a teeter-totter, which needs to be able to sustain an up and down movement in order for the activity to be enjoyable and successful for each participant. Social understanding helps us to understand when (and why) one person might be a social lightweight (or heavyweight), making it difficult or impossible for the participants to initiate or sustain the back and forth movement of the interaction, and to experience success. Autism spectrum disorders and other disabilities, or other factors such as lack of experience, preconceived beliefs or ideas, personality, expectations, etc. can contribute to an unbalanced social interaction.

In 2007, I began speaking on my educational tool, “The Social Response Pyramid(TM).” In that, I stress the importance of keeping as our primary goal, “socially effective responses.” I compare those to “authentic responses,” which are the kind that we generate “off the top of our heads,” or as a “knee-jerk reaction” to input, but which, since they do not utilize strategies or keep a goal of socially effective responses in mind, may or may not work with others in our social context (or those who are around us). In fact, it’s mostly the social context that determines the effectiveness of our responses. (I’ll write more about that next week).

I realized more recently what the relationship is between social understanding and social effectiveness. I believe that social effectiveness is social understanding in action! Here’s my definition of social effectiveness: “It’s the process of evaluating each person in an interaction to identify their context, available strategies, and responses, making necessary modifications, and sharing relevant  information about the social context, in order to ensure that everyone in the interaction has an opportunity be socially effective.” In other words, it emphasizes the importance of not only understanding who the lightweights or heavyweights are in a given social interaction, but also of stepping in to provide necessary information and supports in order to give everyone an equal opportunity to experience social success.

Social effectiveness is not a new term or concept. It’s been around for a long time, particularly in the business world, where people have long recognized that in order to experience success, a person needs to have the opportunity and ability to be socially effective. I believe that if we keep social effectiveness as our overall goal for teaching, parenting, and working with others, that it will give us renewed focus for all the strategies that we may employ. If we implement strategies to deal with a problem behavior, we may simply be addressing the “tip of the iceberg” (or in this case, the tip of the Pyramid). We’re not as likely to change future responses, or help others experience success, because we haven’t dealt with the underlying issues which are causing or influencing the response. Where is the response coming from? What strategies are in place to guide a person’s understanding and responses? What is the person’s awareness of the social context? Has the socially effective goal been identified and clarified?

This week, in addition to the other books, CDs, posters, and DVDs available at www.thegraycenter.org, we have an opportunity for you to purchase one of a limited number of copies of my recent workshop on “The Autistic Brain and the Neuro-Typical Brain: Bridging the Gap Toward Effective Social Interactions.” It’s a 90 minute DVD providing information about autism spectrum disorders, some of the gaps involved as we interact with others, and practical strategies for bridging those gaps. The Social Response Pyramid(TM) is the framework that I use for explaining social effectiveness, but the presentation details a wide variety of resources which can be used to promote social understanding and social effectiveness. While I may not be speaking in your area, you can still attend my workshop by purchasing this resource!

I’m looking forward to exploring this topic further with you in the next couple of weeks. Best wishes as you continue to work toward social effectiveness for yourself and others!

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org.

P.S. Carol and Brian Gray will soon be joining Camp Newaygo (in Michigan) to do a three-day (June 17-19) autism sleepover camp for kids in grades 3-5. Visit our web site for more information, and to register before it’s too late!