If Given a Chance…

By now, many of you have likely heard the story of Susan Boyle, the 47-year-old woman from Great Britain who has become a singing sensation. (You can view the touching video of her sudden rise to fame at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY). When asked why she had never before become a star, she answered simply, “I was never given a chance!”

 

That night, the audience was not prepared to give Susan a chance. Their snickers and facial expressions indicated that they expected her to fail. Yet when presented with her once-in-a-lifetime chance, she astounded everyone with her incredible abilities. Fortunately, those listening were smart enough to recognize their own short-sightedness and prejudice.

 

I remember the heartwarming and inspiring story of Jason McElwain, a young man from Rochester, New York. In 2006, after spending his high school basketball career serving as the team manager, he was given a chance to suit up and play with the other team members. To the delight of everyone in attendance, in three minutes on the court, Jason scored 20 points! (For the complete story, you can go to http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/02/23/earlyshow/main1339324.shtml).

 

How many other potential stars are still “waiting in the wings” because we’ve decided that they’re not worth the time or attention needed to uncover what they’re capable of doing? Or do we make the assumption that they don’t have anything to contribute? I suspect that many people with autism spectrum disorders are relegated to the “corners of society” because their social awkwardness or other perceived “disabilities” keep the rest of us from discovering their hidden abilities.

 

In my own life, I’m aware that there are many things I don’t do, and in fact, have told myself I’m not able to do them, not because I’ve proven a lack of ability to myself and others, but because I’ve never been given (or haven’t taken) a chance. If you were to examine your own life, you may find similar areas, whether they’re related to sports, the arts, relationships, hobbies, or your job responsibilities.

 

Years ago Sondra Williams (an amazing woman whose life and work have had a profound effect on numerous people around the world) gave Gray Center staff a poster which reads, “The most important thing you can give someone is a chance.” She presented the gift as a way of acknowledging our willingness to publish her book and DVD, and help her manage her speaking opportunities.

 

Will you give someone a chance today? Could you give someone an opportunity to pursue an interest, develop a talent, prove a point, share a story, make a friend, or otherwise uncover hidden potential? How about yourself? Are there chances you need to take? Areas where you need to be more daring, stepping outside your comfort zone in order to reach out to another person, try a new activity, or pursue a new interest?

 

We won’t all have an opportunity to shine in front of millions of people like Susan and Jason have. However, if our chances lead to additional success for even one person, we can consider them worthwhile!

 

Best wishes as you create opportunities to give yourselves and others a chance!

 

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

 

P.S. Please note that The Gray Center library will be closing on Wednesday (April 29). That is the last day patrons will be able to borrow resources before we begin the library’s transition to our lakeshore office (although you may gladly peruse our materials anytime our office is open before we pack things up for the move). Please return all Gray Center materials by May 20. Special thanks to Jane Krug, our library volunteer who has managed and grown our lending library through the last several years! Our bookstore will continue to be available both online at www.thegraycenter.org, and in our Kentwood, Michigan office.

 

By the way, did you notice all the NEW books, note cards, and duck posters that are now available in our bookstore?

The flip side of Social Understanding

Why do I do what I do? How could I do it differently? What effect do my words and actions have on others? What have I learned from my current situation, and how will that affect my future responses? What motivates others to do and say what they do? Might they be missing information that would help them interact more effectively? What could I do to help?

 

These questions form the basis for “social understanding.” Social understanding seems to come more naturally to some people as they examine themselves and others in striving toward their goal of being socially effective. Whether they succeed or fail, they evaluate the outcome and learn from the experience. They are sensitive to the social context, adjusting their responses accordingly. Somehow they sense that an “authentic response” of hollering a choice word when they stub their toe might work when they are alone in their living room, but that it’s not likely to work when they’re entering a board meeting or a quiet concert hall. They are sensitive to emotions, changing their responses in order to effectively accommodate a variety of feelings in themselves and others. (I explain this in greater detail in my DVD workshop, “The Social Response Pyramid(TM)” which can be found at www.thegraycenter.org).

 

Other people don’t naturally ask questions about themselves and others that would lead to greater social effectiveness. They respond according to preconceived ideas, opinions, and expectations. They may or may not recognize when they fail socially, but they are not as likely to evaluate and learn from the experience, or apply the new information to future situations. This is what I refer to as “the flip side of social understanding;” the reality that although there are numerous people around the world (like the 8200 who receive this weekly email article) who are continually striving to be more socially effective, there are others who either don’t know they need to, don’t seem to care enough to invest the time and energy required to interact effectively with others, or simply don’t know where to begin.

 

I’m intrigued by the question of what makes one person more effective than another in social interactions. While there are likely a variety of answers to this question, and the topic is much more complex than what we could ever hope to cover in one article, over the years, I’ve become convinced that the answer to this question lies predominantly in the area of emotional intelligence.

 

It is still difficult to pinpoint exactly what emotional intelligence is. You can find a variety of definitions and differing opinions if you research this topic. However, the most basic idea is that emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and understand emotions in yourself and others, and use that knowledge to guide interactions. It helps us to see the relationships between emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, and to respond accordingly, incorporating problem-solving, in order to be socially effective. It is interesting to note that some researchers are discussing the fact that babies appear to have “potential emotional intelligence,” which flourishes given the proper opportunities and instruction. This says a lot to those of us who are interested in helping people realize their full potential—particularly through early intervention!

 

Advanced emotional intelligence doesn’t necessarily correlate with a high IQ, or intelligence quotient. Those who are emotionally intelligent may be surgeons, teachers, parents, computer technicians, engineers, lawyers, children, factory workers, administrators, or therapists. Those who are not emotionally intelligent may be surgeons, teachers, parents, computer technicians, engineers, lawyers, children, factory workers, administrators, or therapists. In other words, neither our occupation nor our intellectual ability will guarantee that we will be emotionally intelligent.

 

Surprisingly, the presence of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) does not necessarily seem to correlate with low emotional intelligence. We know that a hallmark characteristic of a diagnosis of ASD is that an individual has difficulty “reading” social cues and context, and may struggle to respond in a way that is socially effective. However, in observing individuals with ASD who have been successful in spite of their struggles, and who seem to be well-liked by their peers, I believe that one defining characteristic is emotional intelligence. While they may not have all the answers, and they may not always “read” the context correctly, they are driven by a desire to better understand themselves and others, and to adjust their responses as needed in order to be socially effective. Sondra Williams is an excellent example of this (you can find out more about Sondra and her resources and presentations at www.thegraycenter.org).

 

I have heard from some readers that you are frustrated by family members, peers, and others who do not display the hallmark characteristics of social understanding. Your efforts at promoting social understanding may feel fruitless when you encounter those who seem not to understand or care that there may be a more effective way to do things, or that other people have thoughts, dreams, goals, experiences, and feelings that may differ from their own. I recently heard a friend refer to these as people whose “feet are stuck in cement.” If you are in this situation now, please don’t despair! At The Gray Center, we’re privileged to hear the stories of those who are clearly making a difference in small ways and big ways, and we know that your efforts are definitely worthwhile!

 

In an effort to continue to promote social understanding, The Gray Center has produced numerous resources: DVDs, books, etc., by Carol Gray, Sondra Williams, Nick Dubin, Michelle Garcia Winner, and myself, as well as creative products (such as a poster and NEW note cards) by our girls’ group. To assist you in promoting social understanding, we are offering those items at a discount for the next week. You can take advantage of incredible sale prices by visiting www.thegraycenter.org.

 

Thank you for the work you are doing to promote social understanding around the world. YOU are making a difference!

 

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

 

P.S. In addition to special sale prices on Gray Center resources this week, we will also be offering a “Deal of the Day” in our online store! These will be randomly posted and removed—so visit often to take advantage of these incredible deals!

 

 

Autism Appreciation

Thank you for the wonderful feedback you have been sending following the March 30 issue of the SUN News (“Raising Autism Awareness”). It has been such a delight to hear your stories, and to read your encouraging comments. In honor of autism awareness month, I wanted to share the following email I received from a dedicated mom and SUN News reader. It is reprinted with her permission (minus identifying information), in hopes that you will be as moved by and thankful for her words as I am:

 

I wanted to write you to let you know how much I appreciate and look forward to your weekly updates of the SUN News. Your positive and unique perspective on Autism helps me so much in the way I view Autism in my own daily life.

 

I am a mom of a newly diagnosed child (a son, age 2) with ASD. The news was earth shattering for us and coping did not come easily– especially for me.

 

I am a mom who also happens to be blind and faces a set of my own daily challenges. Parenting was not new for me as this was my not my first child, but Autism was. Every strategy I once used to effectively parent my children suddenly didn’t seem to apply anymore. I have had to adapt my methods of parenting in ways that I never thought I would have to.

 

Learning hand over hand sign language so I can teach my son seemed impossible. Locating a child who cannot answer you when you call has been truly frightening. We’ve managed to come up with creative techniques that are making parenting doable. I’ve learned that my skills are all there; it is my attitude that has been the one thing that has needed the most adjusting.

 

When we first learned of my son’s diagnosis, I cried…I grieved…and I felt so sad that he would not be the person that I had envisioned. How would he live independently? How would he ever achieve the things in life that I thought he should achieve?

 

I distinctly remember one day as I was feeling the pain of our reality, my husband saying to me, “Our son is not broken. He will have some challenges, but he will be OK”. He then asked me how my own mother dealt with the news of my vision loss-as I had sight as a child, but progressively lost vision and knew someday I would be totally blind. I told him that my mother felt sad and carried tremendous guilt with her that never made sense to me. He asked me how I felt about it. I told him that it was awful and I hated the way she did that. He turned to me and said, “So then, don’t do that to him.”

 

I realize now that it has been my grief and my loss-not his. My son is happy…it is me that needs to catch up to him.

 

I constantly see phrases referring to Autism such as “lives shattered”, families struggling” and many other negative ways describing what it is like to live with someone who has Autism.

 

I read your weekly updates and see something very different. I once remember reading an update of yours that discussed whether or not ASD was a disability. The article brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face. I realized that what you were describing was not much different than the articles I write regarding attitudes on blindness and vision loss. I have always lived my life with a “So-what?” attitude about my own loss of vision. I do not look at it as a disability, but rather a difference. I do things that everyone else does…cooking, cleaning, working, shopping, and raising children like everyone else…I just do them in different ways.

 

I think about the old familiar quote, “If you don’t like the way something is then change it, if you can’t change it then change the way you think about it”. I know we are doing everything in our power to change things that we can, such as implementing the GFCF diet, anti-yeast treatments, supplements, ABA/DIR therapies, etc. for our son to do the very best he can. I plan to provide him with all the tools necessary for him to thrive and to help take him as far as he can possibly go. I’ve also learned to change the way I think about Autism. What I hope for him now is that he will have every opportunity in life to fly and to achieve all he can to the best of his ability.

 

I also realize what a beautiful little boy he is and how very blessed we are to have him in our lives. He has taught me so much and we are richer for it. I truly think that our son has given and will continue to give more to our lives than we could ever give back to him.

 

 

Special thanks to this amazing mom, who has taken time to remind us all about the true meaning of autism awareness!

 

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

www.thegraycenter.org

 

P.S. We recently discovered a glitch in our shopping cart which was not allowing people to register for my upcoming April 23^rd workshop in East Grand Rapids. That has been fixed, and you can now register quickly and easily for only $15 at www.thegraycenter.org!

Following Prompts

I’ll be the first to admit that it would be nice if my three children obliged immediately every time I made a request. I would love to have them come to the dinner table without objecting that they’re having too much fun playing with a friend, or go to bed nicely without insisting that they still have homework that needs to be completed (or that their classmates don’t go to bed that early), or refrain from purchasing an item when I explain that it’s too expensive or that they’re not likely to use it longer than the five minutes it takes to drive home from the store. I do my best to be a good parent, and to teach them to respect my authority and to do what’s expected of them in a timely and orderly way. But while it’s tempting to train them to follow my instructions without discussion or complaint (and in fact, there certainly is a time and a place for that), I have come to the conclusion that I am sometimes thankful for the objections they raise.

 

You see, I want my children to think about what’s being asked of them. I want them to make connections to what their friends are doing, consider other obligations that they’re facing, and give voice to their feelings and preferences. I want to give them opportunities to occasionally influence my decisions, or to hear me explain how their objections might appear to me or to others, and the effect that this has on the outcome of the situation (i.e. the consequences that they face). These are learning opportunities, and their objections and discussions give evidence that they are engaging in important thinking processes.

 

I’ve spent the last few weeks considering the variety of prompts that enter my world, seemingly attempting to get me to comply without questioning the validity of the request or the potential outcome. I receive emails telling me to open an attachment, click a link, download new software, send personal information, or forward the email to all of my friends. My ability to think through the request and consider the consequences has helped to protect my computer , my personal information, and my friendships. My navigational GPS tells me, “NOW, turn left.” My ability to consider the fact that the light is currently red, or another car or a pedestrian is in the way, has protected my personal safety and that of my family and others on the road at the same time as me. Mail insisting that I open a new checking account or credit card has been shredded and disposed of, given that I know I don’t need to comply with their instructions when I don’t need a new checking account or credit card.

 

There is great value in learning to question validity or reasons for requests, and to consider potential outcomes. If the result of this type of valuable thinking is that I spend more time giving my children reminders, or providing more information about my instructions and the reasons for them (or helping my children to better understand their options and the consequences of each), then I consider that time well spent. I am aware that if my focus is simply to get them to comply with my commands, they are more likely to comply with outside commands such as those I’ve detailed here, or even the instructions of potential bullies or others who would take advantage of them. (Go to www.thegraycenter.org for helpful resources on bullying, as well as the book, “Why Do I Have to?”—a great resource for kids who are trying to understand the requirements and directions that they face each day).

 

There are times when following prompts ensures the safety of our children and students. And of course, it is also important to teach them respect and obedience. However, when immediate safety is not at stake, and when we are building in opportunities for them to learn respect and obedience, there is tremendous value in giving them the opportunity to learn from the process of questioning, challenging, and predicting.

 

Best wishes as you guide your children and students through this process. I’m right there with you, learning as I go, but what an exciting and worthwhile journey it is!

 

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

 

P.S. I’ll be speaking in Grand Rapids, Michigan on April 23, in Fort Wayne, Indiana (Purdue) on May 2, and in Southgate, Michigan on June 30. For more details (including registration information), go to www.thegraycenter.org. If you would like me to consider speaking for your group, school staff, or organization, please contact me at laurel@thegraycenter.org.

Exciting Gray Center Changes

Welcome to a special mid-week edition of the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network on this World Autism Awareness Day!

 

During the last month, I wrote several articles dealing with the topic of change. The Gray Center is currently in a period of transition, as we adapt to the needs of the people who access our resources within the confines of the current economic conditions.

 

On behalf of the staff and board, Carol Gray and I are excited to announce that in the upcoming months, we will be transitioning Gray Center operations to the lakeshore area, as we set up our main office in Zeeland, Michigan.  This will move our current small office at City on a Hill Ministries, (100 Pine Street), to a larger – and far more flexible – office space.

 

City on a Hill is a fantastic place which provides us with a variety of additional resources within steps of our new office.  We will enjoy access to a variety of meeting spaces, and opportunities for collaboration with organizations in neighboring offices.  In addition, there is a fabulous low-cost café on site that, like the rest of the building and grounds, is run by volunteers.  

Surrounded by these resources, we will be able to offer additional opportunities for Gray Center individuals and families to become meaningfully involved in a wide variety of activities. We have been eagerly exploring the potential for growth and creative and beneficial programming in the lakeshore area, and are already networking with other organizations to better meet the needs of those we serve. If you’re interested in volunteering to help with any of our new initiatives, please contact me at laurel@thegraycenter.org. We also could use people willing to help support this new endeavor financially. You can give quickly and securely online at www.thegraycenter.org. If you’re willing to help write grants or approach potential donors, please contact me.

 

We are committed to continuing to host our Grand Rapids groups in the Kentwood/Grand Rapids area. We are looking for “neutral” space—not necessarily connected with another autism-related business or organization—available as donated space or for a nominal cost. Please contact annmary@thegraycenter.org if you have suggestions for space that would accommodate our groups up to five evenings per month.

 

Watch our web site and future issues of the SUN News to follow and participate in upcoming Gray Center changes. As always, we appreciate your support and encouragement, as you purchase resources, attend programs, give financial gifts, and call or email us your comments and words of praise for our efforts. We are excited about the ways that these changes will enable us to expand our ability to be a valuable resource for you and others like you, all around the world!

 

Laurel Falvo, Executive Director, and Carol Gray, President

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

 

P.S. Please note that Gray Center staff members are on spring break through April 12. We will continue to process your orders and ship products to you during that time, but may not be able to respond to your phone and email messages until we return. If others of you are taking a break this month, we hope you will find it to be a time of rest and relaxation, and that you’ll return safely to your regular tasks and responsibilities.