I officially became the mother of an adolescent almost two years ago when my oldest son turned 13. I was surprised to find—even though I knew a lot about the changes that take place in adolescence—that many things changed very drastically as my son entered that stage of life! Suddenly it seemed that everything I knew about him (his preferences, his way of interacting with other people—and with me—etc.) had changed seemingly overnight. This was accompanied by a wide variety of physical changes, one of which left me literally looking up to him each time we interact. Although my other son has not yet officially hit adolescence, he’s in the stage that is recognized as “early adolescence” or “preteen.” I had to laugh recently when the middle school teachers sent home a flyer about preteens and the primary characteristics of this age group. In reading it, I was tempted to think that they had written it just for me, describing my son very accurately! It re-opened my eyes to the fact that many of the struggles I have as a mom are not unique to my relationship with my son, but are common to the relationship between any parent (or professional) and preteen or adolescent!
What are some of the characteristics of the early adolescent years? Many are also common during puberty and adolescence, but they’re being documented as early as age 10.
No two adolescents are just alike. No book or web site on adolescence, or exposure to past adolescents, will fully prepare us for a particular individual as he or she navigates this stage. Hopefully, we have at least vague memories of our own possibly awkward venture with this period of life, enabling us to be more compassionate and understanding as we walk alongside them, guiding, instructing, and supporting as they move toward adulthood.
The presence of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) can complicate the period of adolescence. We may need to be more intentional in describing the changes to an individual and helping him or her to see that rather than being a frightening or isolating time, these changes are common to most adolescents. We may need to go back to strategies that worked in the past but had perhaps been abandoned for awhile, including Social Articles (similar to Social Stories, but written in more of a “newspaper” format for older or more advanced audiences), visual schedules or strategies, and “natural consequences” (I’ll write more about those in a future issue of the SUN News).
The good news is that you are not alone! Whether you are living or working with a preteen or adolescent, or you are a few years behind, looking toward this stage looming in the not-too-distant future, there is much you can do to enhance your own success and that of the individuals with whom you are interacting. The Gray Center has many books and DVDs available to help. At our bookstore (www.thegraycenter.org), you can find resources specifically addressing the needs of girls, boys, adolescents, teachers, parents, and more! You can also join us for our Gray Center conference, “Asperger Syndrome and Adolescence: Building Skills for the Real World,” where psychologist and author Teresa Bolick will introduce the concept of “social capital” as it relates to adolescents with Asperger Syndrome, as well as providing practical strategies that adolescents, parents, and professionals can use to maximize social capital and increase involvement in the real world. We’ll also hear from Talmer Shockley, who was diagnosed a few years ago as an adult with Asperger Syndrome. He’ll be discussing shyness, love-shyness, sexuality, how the diagnosis affects a family, and the difficulties associated with accessing social services. (Register online at www.thegraycenter.org).
We can have a more positive attitude about the difficulties associated with adolescence if we remind ourselves of the benefits associated with this period of life. Often, we are able to see glimpses of the adults they are becoming, as we watch them develop new interests and skills, have more “adult conversations” with them, and observe them responding more effectively and compassionately to the needs and interests of others. There are aspects of my sons’ current levels of understanding, interacting, responding, and reflecting that I find very delightful. I certainly continue to learn from them each and every day, and recognize the fact that this stage of my children’s lives, like the ones preceding it, will likely pass all too quickly!
Best wishes to all of you who live and work with current or future adolescents. If you have tips, suggestions, or reminiscences you’d like to share, please post those here. We love to hear from you!
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. Do you know a business, organization, or individual who would like to advertise in our upcoming conference handouts? We have many affordable advertising opportunities. Go to www.thegraycenter.org for more information. (Deadline for advertisements is March 2).
Part of “social understanding” is viewing life from the perspectives of people with ASD. The following poem and many other insights can be found in Sondra Williams’ book, “Reflections of Self,” and her DVD, “Define Me.” (More information about Sondra and her resources can be found at www.thegraycenter.org).
They Say
Copyright 2005 Sondra Williams
I heard them talking about me, saying I am not like others
I can dance and sing and play, I feel, and cry tears too.
I am more like you, than you think
I heard them say that my silence reflects no emotion, no connections.
I cry many unseen tears, I laugh at life’s blunders, although not in ways foreseen.
I connect like you, more than you think.
They say I am intellectually impaired and will never learn to reach my potential
I know about words and explore the world in ways others rarely know.
I am smarter, than you think.
The doctor says I will not be able to show affection or relate to my own family
I gave them a smile from across the room, they didn’t even notice.
I do know and feel love, more than you may think.
Some say my anger and the rages are animalistic.
I tried to communicate my fear the only way I know how, but no one was listening.
I get angry like you, for reasons like you, more than you think
The doctors say there is no hope I am void of understanding
I have dreams and think on them often, but due to my silence I can’t share them.
Yes, I have dreams and goals, just like others, more than you think
Strangers say I am out of control and not human.
I have a body, mind and soul, just somewhat challenged.
I am human more than you think.
I heard them talking, saying oh, she has autism, a disability of no hope
If they only knew what is trapped inside me, I think.
They would say she’s more like me, than what I used to think.
The staff and board of The Gray Center wish to thank Sondra Williams and each one of you for the work you are doing to promote social understanding! Visit www.thegraycenter.org this week for drastic discounts on Sondra’s book, DVD, and mp3 download of a presentation.
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. Would you like to know more about the perspectives of people with ASD? Join us March 17th in Grand Rapids, Michigan for our Gray Center conference, “Asperger Syndrome and Adolescence: Building Skills for the Real World.” Talmer Shockley, a man with Asperger Syndrome, will provide information that he has learned in the years after being diagnosed with Asperger’s, and Teresa Bolick, a psychologist and author, will provide additional information about preparing adolescents with the necessary skills to be successful in the real world. Register at www.thegraycenter.org (and save money by registering two or more people on the same credit card or check)!
There’s an old saying, “No one is perfect… that’s why pencils have erasers.” Some of us find comfort in this thought. It takes the pressure off, and allows us to simply do our best, and to be okay with the results.
Others find that thought discomforting. They have difficulty accepting that they are less than perfect. They wear down the erasers on their pencils, or rub right through the paper when erasing, in their attempts to complete an assignment without any flaws. Individuals with “Type A” personalities, those who were the firstborn in their families, and occasionally those with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) are among those who sometimes struggle with the difficulties associated with perfectionism. Wilt Chamberlain pointed out one discrepancy between the messages adults send about being perfect: “They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds.”
While it’s important to teach others how to handle a tendency toward perfectionism, the above quote also indicates the importance of evaluating our response to others. Do we find ways to encourage them? Do we point out where they excel, and not just the areas where they could use some improvement? Are we expecting them to be perfect, even while we know they will not achieve perfection? “When nobody around you seems to measure up, it’s time to check your yardstick.” (Bill Lemley)
One of the resources sold at The Gray Center is the book, “What to do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough,” by Thomas Greenspon. The publisher’s description of the book reads as follows:
“Perfectionism may seem like a worthy goal, but it’s actually a burden. When you believe you must be perfect, you live in constant fear of making mistakes. Most children don’t know what perfectionism is, yet many suffer from it. Nothing they do is ever good enough. School assignments are hard to start or hand in. Relationships are challenging, and self-esteem is low. Written to and for ages 9–13, this book helps kids understand how perfectionism hurts them and how to free themselves. Includes true-to-life vignettes, exercises, and a note to grown-ups.”
If you think this book may be helpful for someone in your life, you can find it at www.thegraycenter.org. While there, you may want to check out some of our newest titles: Asperger’s from the Inside Out: A Supportive and Practical Guide for Anyone with Aspergers, Girls Growing Up on the Autism Spectrum, Making Sense of Children’s Thinking and Behavior, Small Steps Forward: Using Games and Activities to Help Your Pre-School Child, Social Skills for Teenagers and Adults with Asperger Syndrome, Sometimes My Brother: Helping Kids Understand Autism Through a Sibling’s Eyes, Understanding Asperger’s Syndrome: FAST FACTS (A Guide for Teachers and Educators), Understanding Death and Illness and What They Teach About Life, Understanding Regulation Disorders of Sensory Processing in Children, Writing Measurable IEP Goals and Objectives, and You Are a Social Detective.
NOTE: Spend $35 or more this week in our online bookstore, and The Gray Center will ship your purchase to you for FREE!
Best wishes as you continue to do your best, while also accepting that your efforts will not lead to perfection. “Once you accept the fact that you’re not perfect, then you develop some confidence.” (Rosalynn Carter)
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. Do you live or work with adolescents (or future adolescents)? We hope you’ll join us for our conference on March 17—“Asperger Syndrome and Adolescence: Building Skills for the Real World” with authors Teresa Bolick and Talmer Shockley. You can register online at www.thegraycenter.org. Bring a friend, spouse, or colleague, and save $20 on your registration fees! (Details available at www.thegraycenter.org).
Last week after posting my latest entry, I received three kind, encouraging comments from readers (thanks, Carol, Anne & Andy, and Jordan)! As I basked in the glow of their thoughtful words, I began reflecting on the importance of the concept of “emotional banking.”
We all need regular emotional deposits made on our behalf. In this economy, we all understand the importance of being able to save a little money each month, leaving us with a positive fiscal balance. The same is true for our emotional well-being. Compliments, words of encouragement, experiences with success, time spent with a favorite hobby and/or with close friends or family…all of these help to build our sense of well-being.
We know all too well the effect that the opposite has on each one of us. Criticisms, unkind words, feeling excluded, or struggling to understand or complete a task all have the effect of dragging us down emotionally and depleting our emotional reserves. While these negatives cannot always be avoided, their effect is lessened by the deposits mentioned above.
There are some things we can do to make deposits to our own emotional banks. We can use “positive self-talk” to counteract unwarranted self-criticism. We can set aside time to pursue hobbies, engage in relaxing activities, and spend time with people we enjoy. There is less we can do about the deposits or withdrawals that others make into or out of our own reserves. In the past, I’ve written about the pervasiveness of bullying, especially as it relates to people with autism spectrum disorders being the targets. The Gray Center has a wide variety of resources available to help parents and professionals better understand how to help people avoid or respond effectively to bullying attempts. (All of the resources in our Bullying category are on SALE this week at www.thegraycenter.org. This includes resources by Nick Dubin, Carol Gray, Kari Dunn Buron, Brenda Smith Myles, and more!)
We can help by ensuring that we are doing what we can to maintain others’ emotional banks at a positive balance. In addition to creating an environment where bullying isn’t tolerated, we can work to make our homes, classrooms, workplaces, and neighborhoods places of mutual respect and kindness. We can give meaningful compliments to others, and teach this valuable skill to those who need additional assistance. (Carol Gray has written a resource on compliments, which is available at www.thegraycenter.org). We can give others opportunities and encouragement to develop their interests and abilities. We can help others better understand the social context, both to get meaning from it, as well as to interact more effectively with those around them.
Do you have other ideas about “emotional banking?” I hope you’ll share those with other readers—and with me—here.
In this economy, many of us, including The Gray Center, suffer the effects of depleted bank accounts. However, we can all work at helping to keep our own emotional banks—and those of others—at a healthy balance. It’s a valuable goal to strive for, especially for those of us living and working with individuals with autism spectrum disorders.
Best wishes in your work all around the world!
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
NOTE: Just a reminder of three upcoming learning and networking opportunities: I will be speaking in Savannah, Georgia on Friday, Feb. 13 (for the Matthew Reardon Center), and in Grand Rapids, Michigan on March 7 at an Early On conference featuring author Johnny Tuitel. On March 17, The Gray Center is hosting a conference, “Asperger Syndrome and Adolescence: Building Skills for the Real World,” in Grand Rapids, Michigan (with Theresa Bolick and Talmer Shockley). There is information on all of these opportunities on our web site at www.thegraycenter.org.
If you would like to contribute to The Gray Center, we would appreciate your tax-deductible donations (you can give quickly and securely online at www.thegraycenter.org), or your contributions through the online shopping gateway www.iGive.com/graycenter (which costs you nothing extra). Thank you for your support!
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Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding www.thegraycenter.org
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