I once had a page-a-day calendar which contained this interesting tidbit: “This year, let’s take a look at how structure can be our friend. Structure is to our lives as our skeletons are to our bodies. And it’s important to remember that even bones have some give and take and will break if they are too rigid.”
I was personally reminded that when stressed, bones do not bend, they break! My oldest son broke his arm at a school roller-skating party when he was in sixth grade, and the bone had to be re-set in the emergency room. Obviously, while bones provide structure for the body, it is not a fool-proof system. For several weeks, a cast provided structure for my son’s arm while his bones healed!
For those of us living or working with individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), we know first-hand that structure can be our friend. Often, those with ASD crave structure as a means of making life more predictable and manageable. While life itself may often seem random and chaotic to them, calendars, schedules, familiar routines and possessions, and comforting and predictable environments all provide structure that helps both them and their teachers and caregivers.
Yet is structure ever a problem? I believe it can be. I cringe when I hear some people talk about the elaborate daily routines that govern their daily existence…meals that are prepared the same way each day, always containing the same food…methods of dressing or eating that must be followed to the letter each time…elaborate routines for various tasks that cannot be altered, etc. We have our reasons for clinging to these rigid structures. Often, we recognize structure as a means to avoid meltdowns (either ours or someone else’s). We’re pleased to have found something that “works,” so we repeat it as frequently as possible. We blame “obsessive compulsive” traits that necessitate the adherence to this type of structure. Or we point to past failures which resulted when we deviated from these strict routines.
Invariably, these structures will be stressed. Children grow up, and may someday need to live somewhere other than the home environment in which they were raised. Parents and caregivers deal with illness, accidents, or changing work requirements, and are not able to provide the same comforting routines. Students move on to a new teacher or school, where the programs and supports may be different. Companies change their products, or go out of business, so the foods and other products we have relied on for years are no longer available. A young person finally gets a job, and discovers that colleagues are not as understanding (or accommodating) of his routines as his parents were. A young girl wants a boyfriend, and discovers that her refusal to eat off anything other than paper plates is not conducive to forming a dating relationship.
While bones break when stressed, our lives have more room for the give and take to which the calendar quote referred. Part of social understanding is recognizing the value of structure and routines. Yet another part is learning how to accommodate some give and take so that situations don’t “break” when structures are stressed. Here’s our challenge: How can we provide comfort and consistency through structure in a way that also prepares our children and young people for future stressors? How can we help them embrace enough give and take that they will be able to transition to other environments, relationships, and living situations in the future (whether the “future” is tomorrow or ten years from now)?
For many of us, this is an uncomfortable topic. We like our structure and routines, especially when they make our lives easier! Yet we would be doing our children and students a disservice if we did not continue to work to help them develop greater flexibility–and to model that ability ourselves. My son would be the first to tell you that when there is not enough give and take, broken “structure” can be painful!
One of my favorite resources for helping kids to identify stressors and to promote appropriate responses is the book, “The Incredible 5-Point Scale” by Kari Dunn Buron and Mitzi Curtis (and the related resources by the same authors). To help individuals with ASD better understand themselves and how they perceive and interact with the world, we frequently recommend books by Ellen Korin, Catherine Faherty, Yuko Yoshida, and Michelle Winner. You can find these and many other great resources at www.thegraycenter.org!
Best wishes as you seek to balance structure and flexibility in your work and home life!
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. ONLINE REGISTRATION is now available for The Gray Center’s spring conference! Join us Tuesday, March 17 in Grand Rapids, Michigan to hear authors Teresa Bolick and Talmer Shockley. Gain perspective and insight from a professional, as well as the first-person perspective of an individual with ASD. This conference is for anyone living or working with current or future adolescents—and may even be appropriate for the young people in your life. To find more information or to register, go to www.thegraycenter.org.
There is a well-known tale (with numerous creative and humorous variations) of a mother being scrutinized by her young child as she prepares a ham dinner. The child questions why Mom cuts the end off the ham before she cooks it. Mom pauses, and admits that she does it because that’s the way her mother always did it. Together they decide to ask Grandma why she always cuts the end off the ham before she cooks it. Grandma seems surprised by the question, as she replies, “I cut the end off because I’ve never had a pan large enough to accommodate the whole ham!”
We have many traditions, rules, and routines in our homes, schools, and workplaces. They exist for many reasons, including safety, pleasure, efficiency, custom, organization, etc. Often those with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) are the first to question the existence of these traditions, rules, and routines. Frequently, their questions of “why” are met with, “Because I said so,” or “Because that’s the way we do it,” or even, “Because that’s the rule!” While their questioning may appear impertinent, often they are not trying to be difficult, but genuinely desire more information as they struggle to make sense of their social environment. As we pause while seeking to provide a truthful response to their request, we may discover a valid explanation that satisfies both of us, or we may find, as the mother in the example of the ham dinner did, that we do not have a good reason for adhering to a particular tradition, rule, or routine.
Social understanding is not simply about getting others to understand what we want them to do. Sometimes it’s more about looking at ourselves and understanding why we do what we do, and whether it makes sense to do it that way. Sometimes our rather rigid means of carrying out tasks or responsibilities has more to do with the way we were taught (or our own learning style or preferences and what worked best for us) than it does about a true need to accomplish the task in a prescribed manner. Recognizing this may help us put the focus back on the end goal rather than struggling to control the process which gets us there. The resulting flexibility may open doors to greater creativity and productivity!
Best wishes as you continue to promote true social understanding!
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. I will be speaking in Savannah, Georgia on Friday, February 13. If would you like to register for this workshop, which includes information about autism and social understanding as well as detailed instructions for writing Social Stories(TM), call Jennifer McGee at 912-355-9098 or email jennifermcgee4@comcast.net. Note that there are a limited number of parent scholarships available for this workshop. Take advantage of early-bird registration fees of only $75 by registering by February 1, 2009. (A registration form can also be downloaded and printed from http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/images/Savannah_GA_2-13-09.pdf.)
What is success? Dictionary definitions for “success” utilize terms such as, “achievement,” or “accomplishment” or “attainment.” Each conveys a sense of setting out to do something, and reaching a point where you’re able to reap the rewards of your efforts. When we identify past successes in our lives, some of us point to academic achievements, others to favorable outcomes of relationships, or even to accomplishments in financial or work-related areas.
Most of us likely identify success as relatively major life events such as graduations, marriage, learning to drive, getting a new job, making a large purchase, or accomplishing a life-long dream. Sometimes, however, both for our own benefit, and for the benefit of those with whom we live and work, we need to define success on a more minute scale. Daily successes can also be identified and celebrated!
Viewing life through this new perspective, how might we define success?
- Initiating and sustaining a conversation with a new acquaintance
- Joining an activity or discussion on the playground, in the classroom, or in the workplace
- Playing a game or conducting an activity by someone else’s rules
- Staying calm through an unexpected transition
- Finding a new way to teach a difficult concept
- Making eye contact, and using this skill to gauge emotions or gather other information
- Giving an appropriate compliment to a parent, spouse, teacher, student, or colleague
- Completing a task on time
- Trying a new food or activity
- Waiting patiently until it’s our turn (whether it’s in the classroom, at the dinner table, or in line at the grocery store)
- Dropping a bad habit, even for a day
- Anticipating another person’s needs, and offering to help
- Overcoming a fear, however insignificant or irrational it may seem to others
- Finishing a race, whether we come in first, last, or somewhere in-between
Did you happen to notice that all the examples of success in the preceding paragraphs have one thing in common? It’s my personal belief that true “success” is generally achieved only through the ability to be successful socially! When I speak to groups of parents and professionals, I often challenge them to think of a way they could achieve “success” without any social interaction. I have yet to hear one such example! (Note that this does not mean that others always help us achieve success. Sometimes we are successful in spite of difficulties or interference caused by others—but that is still a highly social scenario!)
This makes our work of promoting social understanding even more crucial. All too often, individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) experience a chronic lack of success in their lives. Some of this is due to their difficulties with social interactions and the other challenges inherent with their diagnosis. Yet some of their perceptions of failure are also due to our own imposition of grandiose definitions of success! When we define success as major life achievements or events, we become easily discouraged when faced with a lack of ability or accomplishment. We worry when a child isn’t potty-trained by a certain age, we despair when a young adult isn’t yet driving, hasn’t secured employment, or isn’t living independently, and we fret over a host of other milestones that have not yet been reached. While these may be valid concerns, in defining success this way, we miss the opportunity to show others where they are being successful each and every day, just through the efforts they invest in navigating the social world.
A New Year brings many new opportunities for success in the home, school, workplace, and community. In fact, 2009 holds 365 days full of opportunities for success! I hope we’ll all take time to acknowledge—and to delight in– our own daily successes as well as those of the people around us. I’ll hope you’ll also take the time to share some of your success stories here!
Incidentally, The Gray Center provides many opportunities for individuals with ASD to be successful in social situations. Our Young Adult Network and Girls’ and Boys’ groups allow them have fun interacting with others while the facilitators build in important social understanding skills. Their delight in these groups inspired the creation of our poster (available at www.thegraycenter.org), which states, “All people need a place where they do not feel invisible.”
One last thought…a friend of mine gave me a Page-A-Day Calendar for Christmas. Yesterday’s quote was very timely: “Never fail to recognize the success in failure!” Sometimes the best lessons—and successes–are those garnered from our experiences with mistakes and failures. (Thanks, Jane!)
Wishing you all numerous opportunities to reap the rewards of your efforts in the New Year!
Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
laurel@thegraycenter.org
P.S. One of the people working to enable those with ASD to experience daily success is our friend Michelle Garcia Winner! Be sure to visit our web site today for a limited opportunity to SAVE on Michelle’s books, DVDs, and poster! Go to www.thegraycenter.org to view the selection.
Please note that I will not be sending an issue of The SUN News next week, since I will be on my honeymoon!
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Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding www.thegraycenter.org
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