New Year’s Resolutions

The following is an adaptation of an article I originally wrote two years ago. I hope you will find it helpful!

As the calendar changes over from 2008 to 2009, many of us will engage in the time-honored tradition of making a New Year’s resolution! Typical resolutions center around improved health (weight loss, increased exercise, healthier eating, quitting smoking), finances (spending less, saving more, or being able to afford a long-desired big-ticket item), and goals (getting a new job, starting or improving a relationship, beginning or finishing a project, being a better parent, spouse, teacher, or employer).

As we seek to promote social understanding, I hope many of us will make a “social resolution” for the upcoming year! Here are a few ideas to get you started:
- Smile at those we encounter at home, school, our workplace and in the community.
- Ask at least one person, “How are you today?” and really mean it, taking the time to listen as they talk about their current situation.
- Do some research on another person’s area of special interest, so that the next time the topic comes up, we can carry on a conversation rather than asking them to choose a different subject.
- Remind ourselves on a regular basis that others have valid opinions, preferences, and perspectives, even when they differ from our own.
- Say “thank you” to someone who least expects it—a cashier at the grocery store, a newspaper delivery person, a student, or a neighbor.
- Commit a kind act toward another person, without being asked, and without acknowledgement.
- Give a genuine compliment to someone else, commenting not just on outward appearance (a nice tie, haircut, or sweater), but on their achievements, character, or personality.
- Encourage and assist someone toward reaching his or her goal or dream.

How about you? Will you make a social New Year’s resolution for the upcoming year? I hope you’ll add your ideas here.

Wishing you all a happy, productive 2009 with exciting new opportunities for promoting social understanding!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Have you considered making a year-end donation to The Gray Center? Don’t wait—you can do so safely and conveniently online NOW at www.thegraycenter.org! Your financial support will enable us to plan new projects and programs for the upcoming year, and to continue to provide FREE information and support to people around the world. Your gift is tax-deductible in the US! Thank you for helping us to promote social understanding!

Expectations vs. Expectancy

Are you excited to begin a new year? Some of you have had a wonderful year in 2008, and are looking forward to the adventures awaiting you in 2009. Others of you may have struggled this past year, and hope that your situation might improve in the year ahead. Whatever your expectations are for the future, I hope that we can all approach this next year with a healthy dose of expectancy!

My friend and colleague, Ann Mary Dykstra, recently sent me a quote from a book entitled, “The Shack,” by William P. Young. It explains the author’s distinction between the terms “expectation” and “expectancy.” I’ve included part of it here:
“Let’s use the example of friendship and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship. Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’ – spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend.”

How often do our expectations get in the way of our relationships? How often do they color our attitude toward our circumstances? I wonder if we would do better to approach life with eager anticipation, but with fewer specific ideas for how things are going to work (or how people are going to respond). Approaching people with expectancy rather than expectations enables them to be themselves, and allows us to experience the joy of discovery as we get to know them and appreciate their interests and abilities. Approaching the New Year with expectancy gives us an opportunity to enjoy each new day and whatever the future holds, rather than feeling disappointed when things don’t go the way we had expected.

This topic has implications for our work with individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD). We generally consider it a weakness that they struggle to anticipate what will happen in a new situation, since they have difficulty learning from past experience and understanding the connections between cause and effect. Much of our work focuses on helping them to know or anticipate what might happen in any given situation. We can benefit them and ourselves by also working diligently at helping them to develop coping strategies to deal with new situations (calming techniques, sensory integration strategies, visual strategies, etc.) so that they are equipped to handle –and perhaps even approach with eager expectancy—the people and events that await them in the future.

At the Gray Center, we have a great deal of expectancy for the year ahead! We’re looking forward to meeting new people, trying different programs, continuing to find creative and beneficial ways to meet your needs, carrying more excellent resources in our bookstore, and learning more from each of you. We anticipate a great learning opportunity at our March 17th conference (with Theresa Bolick and Talmer Shockley) and in our various groups and network meetings. We will also be scheduling another film series and various workshops. Watch our web site at www.thegraycenter.org for more details as they become available. We are excited about what the days ahead may hold for our organization, and for each of you.

Our office will be officially closed to the public for a couple of weeks, although staff members will continue to answer phone messages and emails—and process your orders—in as timely a manner as possible. We’ll also continue to run sales on our web site at www.thegraycenter.org, especially as we move into the last week of 2008. We hope you’ll stay in touch! Feel free to send us a note telling us how we’ve impacted your life or that of your family. Let us know how we can partner with you in the year ahead. If you’re able to send a tax-deductible donation, we would greatly appreciate that—and it would be put to good use!

Have a wonderful week!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. My family and I also have a great deal of expectancy for the year ahead! On January 10th, I will be marrying my best friend and sweetheart, Steve Falvo. Within a few weeks, I will begin writing to you as “Laurel Falvo!”

Not as they seem

Sometimes things are simply not as they seem! This summer, my kids and I spent time in one of our favorite small towns, Petoskey, Michigan. It’s a beautiful and rather quaint resort town on the shores of Lake Michigan. One of our favorite activities while there is walking along the beach, looking for stones.

There is no shortage of stones in this area. Small stones, large stones, sharp stones, and stones worn smooth through centuries of tumbling through the churning lake—all can be found along the beach, inviting curious hands to explore them, and occasionally to attempt “skipping stones” across the lake’s surface. But we don’t go to Petoskey just to admire the stones. We go in search of Michigan’s state stone, the Petoskey stone!

Petoskey stones are composed of fossilized coral. They show a very distinctive pattern of lines and circles, and are often used to create souvenirs and decorative objects. But they’re not easy to find! When lying on the beach in the dry sand, a Petoskey Stone looks just like any other limestone, and is difficult to distinguish from all the other stones. However, when wet, the stone displays its beautiful and unique markings. People who wish to display their Petoskey stones permanently need to polish them so that the pattern can be seen even when the stone is not wet.

I wonder how many of us are like Petoskey stones? I think that often we blend into a crowd, with seemingly nothing uniquely special about us. We may view others with the same assumption, trying to convince ourselves that all adolescents are relatively alike, or all individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) are essentially the same. We tend to do this with any number of groups of people. However, when we take time to look closely, we can see the gifts and abilities that others possess, just as they can see ours when they are looking for them.

It’s important to celebrate our individual abilities and interests, as well as our uniqueness! Perhaps we can list some of the things we do well, getting help from someone who cares about us if we need assistance in viewing ourselves objectively and more positively. If we are evaluating someone with ASD, their abilities and positive character traits may be readily noticeable, or we may need additional help in identifying those, both for our benefit, as well as theirs. Outside resources may be beneficial for that process. If the individual has Asperger Syndrome, a great article, “The Discovery of Aspie” (by Tony Attwood and Carol Gray) is available on our web site at www.thegraycenter.org. Many books help the individual identify strengths, interests, and challenges, or introduce him or her to a diagnosis of ASD. Many are available on our web site at www.thegraycenter.org Carol Gray states that at least half of all Social Stories(TM) should be written to applaud achievements; this tool can also be used to celebrate an individual’s abilities and interests. (This week, all Social Story(TM) resources, including books, downloads, and DVDs, are on SALE at www.thegraycenter.org)!

Like a Petoskey stone, it isn’t enough to simply identify the positives of a person’s character or abilities once. If we want those to continue to be exposed and evident to others, they need to be “polished” through regular compliments, opportunities to utilize and further develop or expand abilities, and on-going evaluation. This is an important component of the work you are doing to promote social understanding around the world—thank you for your involvement and dedication to your work!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. In the last month we’ve added several NEW titles to our online bookstore at www.thegraycenter.org! Be sure to check out Catherine Faherty’s much-anticipated new resource, “Understanding Death and Illness and What They Teach About Life,” and other new titles, including, “Making Sense of Children’s Thinking and Behavior,” (with information and strategies for helping individuals with Asperger’s, Autism, Nonverbal Learning Disorders, and other diagnoses), “Small Steps Forward: Using Games and Activities to Help Your Pre-School Child with Special Needs” (contains fabulous ideas for anyone working with young children!), and “Do I Have To?” (a book for children who find themselves frustrated by everyday rules).

Stress-Free Holidays?

In many households and classrooms, the holidays are a time of busy schedules, unusual activities and foods, and increased sensory stimuli. For some individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), this is a recipe for discomfort and/or disaster. While some of this cannot be avoided, there are things that parents and teachers can do to help make the holidays more enjoyable—or bearable—for those with ASD. Here are just a few ideas:

Evaluate the Schedule—As a mom and former teacher, I know about the pressure to pack as much in as possible during the last few weeks of the year. Special projects, school programs, making or purchasing gifts, baking special foods, and visiting with friends and family all compete for a place on the calendar. This may happen at the expense of our own perceived sanity, as well as the comfort of our children.
1. Can something be removed from the schedule? This may require saying, “no” to a social engagement, purchasing a gift instead of making it (or the other way around, depending on what is less stressful for you and your family!), or working with friends and family to share baked goods instead of making all of them yourself.
2. Can the individual with ASD be better informed about the schedule? A visual may be helpful for them to anticipate the upcoming activities. This might take the form of a calendar, poster, or “advent calendar” counting down to Christmas or some other special event. (Advent calendars are commercially available. You can also make a paper chain with the correct number of links, having the individual remove a link each day until the special day arrives). For transitions, special events, travels, or a change in schedule, the use of a Social Story(TM) might be helpful (see www.thegraycenter.org for more information).
3. What will stay the same? Often it is comforting for people to know what will NOT be changing during a busy or stressful time. This sometimes helps to keep the changes and transitions in perspective.

Evaluate the Sensory Environment—Most environments (neighborhoods, homes, malls, schools, etc.) take on an increased level of sensory stimuli during the holidays. Lights, music, decorations, and baked or cooked treats all add to the visual, auditory, olfactory, and other sensory input. This can be overwhelming to those who struggle even on a “normal” day to process and make sense of the sensory bombardment.
1. Can something be removed? If there’s lighting, music, or some other stimulus that’s particularly disturbing to the individual, can it be removed or used only at specific, predictable times? My sons never appreciated the motion-activated “talking Santas” and other figures that danced and sang when they walked past. I made sure that we avoided those aisles in the store, or that they were turned off when we visited people who had them.
2. Be sure to provide a quiet, predictable “place away” for those likely to feel overwhelmed by the sensory environment. It should include things that are comforting to the individual—special music, a favorite toy or other item, a comfortable blanket or pillow, etc. You might even be able to work with the individual to set up this special place, and/or to schedule “down times” when it will be used (although if at all possible, it should always be accessible as needed). Some individuals may benefit from having a set of headphones available to use when noise becomes overwhelming to them.
3. Consider whether a “sensory diet” might be helpful for a particular individual. Sometimes heavy lifting (toting a gallon of milk or pulling a wagon), movement activities (jumping or swinging), and other techniques may be helpful. Your local occupational therapist might be able to provide personal suggestions for the individual with whom you live or work. You might also want to consult the resources in the “Sensory Integration” section of our web site at www.thegraycenter.org. (You’ll find that most of those resources are on SALE this week!)

Consider Dietary Factors—Parties and family gatherings provide numerous opportunities to try new, delicious foods. However, this may be upsetting to some individuals, or may create intestinal or behavioral problems for others when they eat unfamiliar foods. Some should be avoiding these treats due to food intolerances, sensitivities, or allergies. It is helpful if teachers communicate with parents about upcoming food parties, so that parents can substitute foods as needed. If attending parties, the individual can eat acceptable or comforting foods ahead of time so they are not as tempted by the foods at the party (or a parent can pack foods to take along—something I did often over the years when my kids were on a gluten-free and casein-free diet).

Other Practical Suggestions—Don’t forget to schedule “down time” for enjoying favorite activities and for sleeping. When we’re tired, we typically have a harder time dealing with sensory and scheduling stressors. It’s also important to factor in physical activity. Walking, jogging, or other forms of exercise or movement are also an important component during the holidays.

What about you? Do you have suggestions for promoting “stress-free holidays?” Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, teacher, administrator, sibling, or individual with ASD (or anyone else), we’d love to hear your creative ideas! You can post those here.

Wishing you all an enjoyable, relatively “stress-free” holiday season!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. For a couple more days, you can still take advantage of our drastic price reductions on resources produced by The Gray Center! Save as much as 50 to 85% on a variety of books and DVDs! Your purchases enable us to continue to provide information and support to those who need it. And as you do your holiday shopping, we hope you’ll take time to register at www.iGive.com/graycenter to have your online purchases benefit The Gray Center—at no additional expense to you! Thank you for your support!

Not Invisible

“All people need a place where they do not feel invisible.” This is the profound statement found on the new poster being sold by The Gray Center just in time for holiday gift-giving! It is a beautiful poster, showcasing artistically painted hands and feet in a collage created by our Gray Center Girls’ Group. It can be purchased for only $9.95 at www.thegraycenter.org, and is a beautiful gift for teens, parents, grandparents, teachers, friends, and area businesses (or for your own home).

The poster holds special meaning for The Gray Center. The idea for the headline came from one of the girls, who commented after joining our Girls’ Group, “I like coming here, because I don’t feel invisible!”

Have you ever felt invisible? Have you sat at a cafeteria table eating lunch alone, wishing someone would join you, while everyone passed by to take a seat at another table? Have you walked through a crowded hallway, watching everyone else travel in a group, while you journeyed alone? Have you tried to join a conversation, only to have people turn away or ignore your attempt? Have you watched others receive praise for their talents, while your abilities appear to go unnoticed? Have you spent endless evenings alone, waiting for the phone to ring with an invitation to a party, or even a friendly chat with another person?

Many of the girls in our group have spent a lifetime feeling invisible. They keep coming back to our girls’ group because they are thriving in an environment where they get to develop new skills, make new friends, and begin to see their uniqueness and abilities for the wonderful gift that they are. More importantly, they are acknowledged and appreciated by others, so that they do not feel invisible!

We hope you’ll purchase several posters to give to friends and family for the holidays! The money generated through the sale of posters will go toward outings, craft supplies, and leaders for our girls’ group. We hope, too, that you will work to create places and situations where people do not feel invisible, but can be noticed, included, and appreciated for who they are!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. This is a great week to stock up on resources to read or watch during the holidays, or to give as gifts! For this week only, we are offering FREE SHIPPING on ALL orders!