I recently received an email alerting me that I had a tax refund waiting for me! All I had to do was follow a link in the email, and verify my information so that I could claim what was rightfully mine. The problem was, the email had been identified by my email program as spam, and the link I was supposed to follow would not have sent me to the US government’s web site, but to another unknown site. Fortunately, I knew that there was no money awaiting me, and I deleted the message.
The same day, I received an email from not one, but two people that I know, love, and trust. The email urged me to sign a petition about a cause that’s near to my heart, touting trustworthy sources, and promising that I could make a difference by signing and forwarding the email to all of my friends and acquaintances. While I never doubted the sincerity of those who sent the messages to me, I was immediately suspicious of the content of the email. A quick internet search revealed that the message was a long-standing urban legend with no merit. I deleted that email, too, after alerting my sources to that fact. And this was not the first such instance. In the last several months, I’ve received emails telling me how to reduce the price of gas by boycotting a particular gas station (also an urban legend), claiming that security has been compromised at my bank (I don’t even have an account at that particular institution), and announcing that an account will be suspended if I don’t act quickly (even though that account has never been given my work address, since I use my personal email for that).
It’s a well-known fact that individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) can be gullible or naïve, falling prey to those with less-than-honorable intent, and ending up making decisions that are not in their best interests. But my recent email encounters underscore the problems that the pervasiveness of the internet, the modern-day ease of passing along information, and the “live in the moment” mentality of our world today can cause, not only for those with ASD, but for all of us!
What we need is a healthy dose of discernment! Although dictionary definitions vary, the American Heritage Dictionary defines discernment as, “The act or process of exhibiting keen insight and good judgment.” Although some would emphasize that there are people who have a “gift of discernment,” who are quicker to know the truth (or at least question what is presented as truth) about something or someone, I like this definition because it places value on the steps that go into discernment—steps that we can all practice! I’m guessing that even those who are considered wise and discerning go through some basic steps, even if they don’t do so consciously. Those who don’t come by it naturally or easily can develop a series of safeguards to help ensure that they are acting wisely. Here are a few to get us started:
1. Know the source. There’s a good chance that if you’re receiving an unsolicited email, it isn’t credible. If you’re hearing gossip from someone who tends to view everyone in a negative way, consider the source, and do not be too quick to judge the person they’re maligning. Of course, as my recent encounters illustrated, knowing the source isn’t always enough when you need to make a decision.
2. Do some research. When dealing with questionable emails, a quick internet search will often reveal whether the source can be trusted. While I often head first to my favorite search engine, if I suspect an urban legend, I go to www.snopes.com, a service that regularly catalogues such legends and verifies whether they are truth or myth. (Dictionary.com defines urban legend as “a modern story of obscure origin and with little or no supporting evidence that spreads spontaneously in varying forms and often has elements of humor, moralizing, or horror”). When you need to act on information you’ve received about another person or situation, talk to a trusted advisor, perhaps a parent, close friend, or colleague; a person of integrity who will not judge you or the situation, but will act in your best interests, and will help you determine how to proceed. Perhaps you can ask additional questions of the person providing the information, or even go directly to the source by talking to the subject of the issue, or re-examining the situation more closely.
3. Give yourself time. Whenever possible, refrain from making a hasty response. Wait before you send that email, follow that internet link, make that purchase, or are tempted to do or say something quickly.
Why is this relevant? It can sometimes seem that adults just “know” how to respond to situations, when in fact, there is often a quick but thoughtful process that we follow. Others can benefit from our ability to verbalize these steps—a process which can help instruct and guide our own as well as others’ thinking and actions.
Best wishes to all of you as you practice discernment, and help others around you to do the same!
Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Thinking and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org
It’s a popular goal; raising our children to the point where they are able to live independently. This term means different things to different people, but I know many who are working hard to help their child with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) to achieve this goal.
While I believe this is a valuable goal, I suspect that many tend to overlook one thing: more than likely, none of us truly lives independently! As a single mom, I am raising three children, managing a household, making a living, and paying my bills all on my own. I do my own driving, banking, minor home repairs, and shopping. Most people would agree that this is independent living. However, I would argue that I am living “interdependently” rather than “independently.” My mechanic maintains my vehicle, my relatives provide childcare when needed, one friend cuts my hair, and others advise me when I am facing difficult decisions. When I encounter electrical or plumbing problems in my home, I hire a professional to resolve these issues. I have a lawyer who guides me through legal issues, and a financial advisor who helps me set up and achieve financial goals. The fact is, I am successful not because I can do everything by myself, but because I know where to go to get assistance for the things I cannot do on my own.
So perhaps our goal for our children (and even for ourselves) shouldn’t be independence, but interdependence. There is a continuum of interdependence, where some people will need greater levels of assistance than others. While I need more assistance in the areas which require specialized training (i.e. legal and mechanical), others may need additional assistance in practical areas such as grocery shopping, transportation, meal preparation, and paying bills. While it’s important to teach as many of these skills as we can (my kids help with cooking, cleaning, and laundry, and although they are not yet old enough to drive, they help me navigate around town), we also need to be teaching our children how and where to access additional help when needed.
Resources such as “The Owner’s Manual 2” (a how-to interactive manual for those with Asperger Syndrome, available at www.thegraycenter.org), and “The Planner Guide” (a step-by-step guide for those who are more severely challenged, available at www.theplannerguide.com) can help teens and adults identify (with help) where they may need assistance, and even guide them through some basic problem-solving so that they can increase their successful interdependence. Michelle Garcia Winner’s “Strategies for Organization” (DVD, available through The Gray Center) helps parents and processionals identify the organizational challenges which may be hindering others’ ability to be successful, and provides helpful suggestions and practical applications to assist them in asking for help, setting goals, and prioritizing the steps needed to bring them to completion.
What are we doing to help those around us live successfully, at the level of interdependence that works best for them? We can start by looking at what we can do “with” them instead of “for” them. Does someone need a job? We can sit with them and help them identify their abilities and interests, possible jobs and employers, and then help them develop a resume and a personal marketing strategy. We can help them practice answering interview questions, and develop a plan for keeping a job (i.e. dressing appropriately, arriving on time, completing tasks accurately and completely, and clarifying responsibilities). Then provide encouragement and support –and possibly accountability–while they enact their proposed plan. (Remember, parents do not need to do each of these steps themselves. In fact, sometimes it’s better to have a mentor—relative, friend, or community member—helping an individual to set and achieve goals rather than a parent.)
I’ve written before that sometimes we tend to be too quick to decide what other people cannot do, without giving them an opportunity to try something. It’s well-documented that people with ASD may need more exposure to opportunities to learn new skills than their peers, so patience is definitely a virtue for those who find themselves in the position of teaching life skills. But often, if given the opportunity, they will exceed our expectations for their ability to live interdependently!
If you’d like to share information that might help others in this area, feel free to do so here!
Have a great week!
Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org
