Gray Center SUN News

Last week I wrote about the common tendency to have our minds made up about people or circumstances. Too often, this leads to miscommunications and an inability to consider how others feel or what they think. Together, this adds up to social ineffectiveness! This week I’ll reflect a bit on why this happens.

First, we all approach life through our own perspectives. My “Social Response Pyramid(TM)” calls a person’s starting point “MY CONTEXT.” It’s collectively my own thoughts, experiences, perceptions, feelings, abilities, personality, expectations, opinions, memories, etc. It’s where and who I am at this moment in time. Our unique starting points tend to color all of our interactions with others, and the way that we perceive them. From that starting point, we make judgments about others. Sometimes we are so “set in stone” that we are unable to consider others’ perspectives, thoughts, or feelings. We become rigid and unbending, with our minds so made up about something, that no one and nothing can convince us otherwise.

Although I sometimes refer to our unique starting points as “my reality,” this should never be confused with truth. Truth is absolute. What can vary from one person to another is our interpretation of facts. For example, we may see a child take an object from another child’s desk. One person may conclude that the child is stealing, or intentionally taking property that belongs to another person. Another person may conclude that the child doesn’t understand rules of personal property, and does not realize that what he or she is doing is wrong. Yet another person, who is closer to the situation and knows the participants more fully, may understand that these two children share an eraser, and frequently go into each others’ desks to retrieve that shared property. The truth is simply that one child took something from another child’s desk. However, each of the three people observing this act is going to respond differently to the situation, according to his or her own interpretation of it.

When we are able to move beyond our own thoughts and experiences to consider what might be motivating others to act or speak the way they do, that’s called perspective-taking. Researchers say that neurotypicals (those who are not affected by autism spectrum disorders or other social cognitive deficits) tend to be quite good at perspective-taking. We have an innate ability to assume the experiences, feelings, and thoughts of others. While it’s not equal to an ability to literally read others’ minds or walk in their shoes (even though we have figures of speech which imply that this is the case), it is an ability to make fairly accurate guesses about another person’s perspective and motivations.

The problem is that we also tend to assume that our accuracy is 100 percent! We expect that others must feel the way we think they do, or that they feel the way we do in a similar situation. We often neglect to take into account other people’s different experiences, personalities, abilities, and expectations. It’s like looking at a sculpture from two different and opposing views. One person sees one thing, another sees another thing. The only one who can definitely say what the sculpture is supposed to represent is the artist who created it.

We cannot know for sure what another person is thinking or feeling unless they tell us. Unfortunately, often they do not have an opportunity to tell us, or perhaps they don’t have the ability to describe how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking. The latter is often the case with individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD). Fortunately, there are excellent resources available to help, which I’ll mention in a moment!

We recognize that those with ASD may have a more difficult time taking the perspective of others, or accurately assessing another person’s thoughts, feelings, or motives. However, my experiences with individuals with this diagnosis have convinced me that this is not always the “disability” that others might think it would be. Instead, these individuals tend to also be free of assumptions of others. Although they may have limited experiences, or may have difficulty generalizing from one experience to another, they also are less likely to form prejudices. We can learn from their ability to take things at face value!

Many great resources for helping those with ASD understand themselves and others are available at The Gray Center, including, “100 Things Guys Need to Know,” “Asperger’s Syndrome: An Owner’s Manual,” (and “Owner’s Manual 2,” which we’ve just started carrying along with other new titles), Tony Attwood’s “Exploring Feelings” books, “Replays,” Michelle Winner’s “Sticker Strategies” and the new “Superflex: A Superhero Social Thinking Curriculum Package.” All of these—and many more—are available at www.thegraycenter.org!

The good news is that “MY CONTEXT” is always changing! As we learn from our experiences and interactions with others, new information becomes a part of the way we will approach people in the future. Hopefully this is encouraging news for all of you who are working to promote social understanding!

Next time we find ourselves interpreting another person’s words or actions, or judging their motive or intent, I hope we’ll stop long enough to ask questions, or to consider more fully what they know or believe, how they feel, what they have experienced in the past, etc. As the Social Response Pyramid(TM) indicates, we’re much more likely to increase our social effectiveness—and theirs—if we do!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Are you curious about the Social Response Pyramid(TM)? It’s a visual representation of social understanding–how we can better understand ourselves and others (including those with ASD) in order to develop and utilize strategies to increase the effectiveness of our responses and theirs. You can find information on our web site (including basic instructions and templates), and for the next several days, you can also purchase the basic workshop presentation on DVD for a sale price of only $9.95! I have a few openings for presentations on the Pyramid yet in 2008. If you are interested in having me present for your district or conference, you can email me at laurel@thegraycenter.org.

My three children are pretty good eaters. Even if not their choice, they know our house rules of eating a healthy variety from all food groups. (For those of you who are jealous of this, I should clarify that it wasn’t always this way—I had two children go through feeding therapy when they were young, and eating has often been a struggle). Recently, one of my kids faced a particular food, clamped his mouth shut tight, and mumbled through his closed mouth, “I don’t like that!” Knowing that he would like the food if he tried it, I insisted that he have just one bite. Not surprisingly to me (but surprising to him), he was soon in pursuit of a second helping!

My son was convinced that he wouldn’t like the food, even though he had never tried it. How often do we make up our minds about something, even though we have no personal prior experience with it? We decide we don’t like a new colleague because she reminds us of someone else we know, or she took the place of a colleague who had become a close friend. We’re convinced we won’t agree with or like a particular book because of a review we’ve read. We carry prejudices against a person or group of people because of what our parents told us years ago. We dislike a type of animal, or a hobby, or a certain food, because a family member or friend dislikes it. Or we favor one particular brand of beverage, food, or restaurant, or use some product—and are convinced that we wouldn’t like the “other” brand—because it’s what we’ve always used. It seems that often our minds are “set in stone.” Opinions, expectations, perceptions, etc. are solidified and are unlikely to change voluntarily.

Last winter I spent a few days in Florida with my extended family. My 10-year-old nephew set about crafting a beautiful alligator in the sand. His sculpture looked very realistic when it was done! Fortunately, I was able to take some photos of it to enhance the memory of the occasion, because with time, the sand sculpture was sure to disappear. Waves, rain, or tourists’ footsteps eventually change the terrain so that new creations can take the place of this one. Unlike artwork crafted in stone, the shifting sands allow for diverse creative expression, as well as correcting mistakes along the way.

Obviously, there are some morals and values that we should adhere to without bending. These are the absolutes in life, which should be set in stone. However, when it comes to our thoughts and perceptions about and attitudes toward other people and other ways of doing things, do our minds tend to be set in stone? If so, we may be missing opportunities to form new friendships, broaden our social and emotional repertoire, and to expand our personal, social, and professional horizons!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. We’re doing some spring cleaning, and you have an opportunity to benefit from it! We are making room for some new titles, which we’ll be adding in the next week or so, and other titles have to go! Some will no longer be available from The Gray Center once they’re sold, so hurry to www.thegraycenter.org for the best selection!

Last fall, our local newspaper (The Grand Rapids Press) ran an interesting article from the “Los Angeles Times” entitled, “Researchers take high view of idle chatter.” The article cited research from the University of Michigan which showed that increased social contact aided mental function. Solitary intellectual exercises, including crossword puzzles and Sudoku led to the same benefits as the same amount of time spent in “small talk” (in person or on the phone) with others. Perhaps not surprisingly, people who spent that amount of time watching TV (i.e. solitary activities without the intellectual component) did not display the boost in intellectual performance.

I suppose the good news is that those of us who thrive on chatting with others, whether we’re discussing our families, the weather, the current political scene, favorite new recipes, or sports, can claim to do it for the benefits to our mental function. The bad news is that for many people, “small talk” is not an easy pursuit. This is often especially true for individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), who may enjoy talking about a topic of special interest, but may struggle with the superficial, mundane, or the “back and forth” reciprocal and fast-paced nature of small talk.

We know that we can help them understand both the benefits and the mechanics of small talk. Books like “The Hidden Curriculum” can help parents and professionals better understand the difficulties experienced by those with ASD, and resources by Michelle Garcia Winner and Jeanette McAfee, as well as the books, “Good Friends Are Hard to Find,” and “How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends” and the children’s music CD, “My Turn, Your Turn,” can teach and reinforce this valuable skill. (These and many other fabulous resources can be seen at www.thegraycenter.org).

When individuals need a break from the highly social nature of small talk or more in-depth conversations with others, they can benefit from solitary intellectual exercises, also. The research shows the value of their alone time, provided that is balanced with other areas in their lives.

So, next time you’re either enjoying or being bothered by questions about how you spent your weekend, remember that you’ll emerge from the conversation with your mental functioning enhanced!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

P.S. To make room for NEW titles, which we’ll be adding soon to our bookstore at www.thegraycenter.org, we need to reduce our inventory! Check out the SALE category in our online store, but order soon, since many of the titles will no longer be available in our store once they’re gone! Then check back soon to view the new titles we’ll begin carrying!

Those of you who play organized sports know the importance of being a good team member. Even those who do not spend time on an athletic field can learn a lot about life from the basic tenets of team sports.

Whether we are a member of a family, a class, a staff, a congregation, a neighborhood, or any other group, we need to be good team members. Here are some of the important criteria:

1. Play by the rules. No one fits well with a team if he or she is playing by his or her own rules, or makes up rules as they go. Others have expectations for us, whether we’re doing household chores, completing a homework assignment, working on a group project, sitting through a classroom lecture, sharing an office, or listening to music in our own room while others are in the house. Some “teams” have written rules, others have spoken or unspoken rules. It’s our responsibility to know the rules and to consider how our ability and desire to hold ourselves accountable to those rules affects others on our team. Rules help everyone work toward –and achieve–a common goal!

2. Share the spotlight. It can be tempting to take the credit when something goes well, or to pass along the blame when it doesn’t. However, other members of our team are eager to hear some praise from us, and to receive apologies when needed. Good team members share the joys and responsibilities of life with those around them.

3. Know your purpose. In sports, a person needs to know what position he or she plays, and the purpose of his or her role, as well as the goal of the activity. In life, we need to know our own strengths, responsibilities, and purpose to ensure that our jobs are getting done, our relationships are being maintained, and our personal health and integrity are enhanced. Just like athletics, the whole team benefits when each team member is performing his or her tasks to the best of their ability.

4. Be willing to be benched. Whether at the will of a coach, or by the rules of the game, an athlete is occasionally sent out of the field or court while his or her teammates take over. In life, whether we’re taking turns or compromising with others, learning to accept constructive criticism, being “benched” by illness or injury, being laid off due to the economy or an incompatibility between our abilities and the needs of others, we all occasionally are required to sit on the sidelines rather than being in the middle of the action. Patience, perseverance, and a willingness to continue to cheer on our “teammates” are valuable attributes at these times! We can also use these times on the sidelines constructively, as a time to rest, reflect, and learn.

5. Focus on responsibility rather than entitlement. Even if you’re the parent, the boss, or the manager, a good team member pitches in when there’s work to be done. This means taking out the trash, picking up dirty laundry, and attending to the needs of those around us. Power and prestige mean so much more when they’re accompanied by the respect of those who work alongside and support us. This is often achieved by a grateful and giving attitude toward others, regardless of our position.

Some people seem to pick up on life’s team rules rather intuitively. Others may need specific instruction (and frequent reminders). Fortunately for them, there are some excellent resources that can help! Individuals working with younger children can make use of the beautiful children’s books written by Cheri Meiners. Titles include, “Join in and Play,” “Listen and Learn,” and “Share and Take Turns,” among others. A great resource for parents and teachers of younger children is “Achieving Best Behavior,” by Pamela Lewis. Other resources that can be helpful regardless of your target audience are those by Michelle Garcia Winner, Jeanette McAfee, Brenda Smith Myles, Kari Dunn Buron, and Carol Gray. All of these resources, and many more, can be found at www.thegraycenter.org. (You can use the search feature to find specific books or DVDs).

Are you a good team member? I’d like to challenge each of us to reflect on our own participation on various “teams,” and to take our reflection a step further by asking those around us what we do well, and what we could do better. We can take what we learn, and apply it to a personal “game plan” that enables us to become stellar team members!

Best wishes in your teamwork at home, school, and in the workplace and community!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Thank you for teaming with us to promote social understanding! Your donations and purchases, as well as your involvement through www.iGive.com are enabling us to continue to provide information and support to those living with autism spectrum disorders (ASD).