What’s in YOUR Toolbox?

A popular TV commercial questioning, “What’s in YOUR wallet?” has attempted to convince people that the credit card they carry in their wallet can drastically affect the outcome of the situations they encounter. In a similar way, I believe that our social repertoire (or “social toolbox”) can help to determine whether or not we will be socially effective in our interactions with others.

Our social toolbox consists primarily of what we are able to do, and what we know, think, believe, feel, and have experienced. Those “tools” form the basis of our expectations for ourselves and others. Our toolbox differs from that of everyone else around us. We’re continually adding to it as we learn or experience new things, and as we adapt our available tools to deal with novel situations.

Just as important as knowing which tools are available to us, is knowing how to use them! In order to do that effectively, we need to be able to accurately interpret not only our own social toolbox, but also the social context (who is here with us, what tools they have available to them, and what their expectations are) and make effective choices based on that information.

We know that as a “social disability,” the presence of an autism spectrum disorder can make it difficult for people with the diagnosis to accurately assess their own social toolbox, and to select the necessary tools to interact effectively with others. However, their toolboxes, also, are continually expanding and changing. And the role of parents, teachers, friends, and others who promote social understanding is to provide strategies that enable them to become more interdependent. Our collective goal should be to become more socially effective as we live, study, and work together in a variety of contexts.

I’m looking forward to talking more about this topic with audiences in Austin, Texas this week, and Holland, Michigan the following week, as together we explore the Social Response Pyramid(TM) and use it to make sense of current research and popular teaching strategies. (More information about the Pyramid is available at www.thegraycenter.org, including free templates and instructions).As you assess your own social toolbox, I hope you’re able to celebrate the knowledge and experience that you possess, the relationships that are important to you, the personality traits that enable you to be successful in a variety of contexts, and the strategies that you are continuing to add to your repertoire as you interact with others. You are an important part of the process of promoting social understanding!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Have you seen this week’s featured resource at www.thegraycenter.org? It’s “Asperger Syndrome in the Inclusive Classroom: Advice and Strategies for Teachers,” by Stacy W. Betts, Dion Betts, and Lisa N. Gerber-Eckard. It’s one of the many popular resources available in our online bookstore. If you live in southwest Michigan, don’t forget that you can peruse our bookstore and resource library in BOTH of our offices, in Kentwood and Zeeland! Our open hours can be found in our online calendar.

Connecting with Youth

In January, I volunteered for a day at the Worship Symposium sponsored by the Calvin Institute of Christian Worship (Calvin College), attended by 1400 people from 38 different countries. I was privileged to spend a day in a seminar about intergenerational worship and spiritual formation in children.

I wasn’t surprised to come home with my head swimming with new ideas for how my church family and I could include children more fully in the life of our congregation. I was somewhat surprised, however, to find that much of what I learned can also be applied to my parenting and my work of promoting social understanding between those with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) and those who interact with them!

Here are some of the concepts we discussed at the workshop:

1. Share your stories. Find ways to connect people across generations in a meaningful way. Don’t be too quick to isolate people or group them by age. Give young people an opportunity to teach older people. One church shared how their youth take several Sundays to teach the adults in the congregation about Facebook, text messaging, and the Internet, among other topics. Also give older people an opportunity to tell the younger generation about their experiences growing up–you may find more similarities than you ever imagined!

2. Recognize the role of the media. We learned that unlike previous generations, today’s younger generation is most greatly influenced by their peers, which are getting their information and ideas from the media. More surprisingly–and frighteningly–is the fact that the media portrays information in a way that is intentionally anti-parents. We need to be savvy to the effects of the messages that are being received by our children and adolescents.

3. Develop a shared vocabulary. The point was made in this workshop that because we discuss worship so infrequently, we don’t have the language for communicating with each other about this important topic. Similarly, we need to be talking about social understanding and related topics and defining them (friends, feelings, tolerance/patience, compromise, self-esteem, valuing others, etc.) so that we can give them a place of prominence and relevance in our daily lives and discussions.

4. Provide leadership opportunities for youth. The younger generation will be the leaders of the future. Are we giving them meaningful opportunities to develop and practice leadership skills?

Here’s a quote worth pondering this week: “Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and the wrong. Sometime in your life you will have been all of these” (Dr. Robert H. Goddard). That fits well with our desire to promote social understanding!

Best wishes as you continue your work of helping yourself and others to be socially effective!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Check out our web site at www.thegraycenter.org for more information about our upcoming Parent and Young Adult Network meetings in Kentwood, MI, as well as Wednesday’s GIRLS’ GROUP meeting/supper in Zeeland!

Structural Integrity

I recently saw a television advertisement for a financial advisor. In it, two engineers are walking along a dam on a river, checking its structural integrity. Suddenly a small crack develops, and water begins trickling out. The two individuals look at each other, obviously questioning what to do next. Then one removes a wad of gum from his mouth, and sticks it on the center of the crack. The trickle stops, and the two engineers move on. However, we’re able to see that behind them, the gum has let loose, and now the trickle of water has become a geyser, spelling disaster ahead!

The point of the commercial is that the advisor could help you develop your financial portfolio in such a way that you’re not relying on one single small strategy to prepare for retirement and other expenses. Instead, this business can help you diversify in order to prevent financial disaster.

It struck me that while there are many valuable strategies that are used with individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), at this point in time, no one strategy is able to guarantee the structural integrity of a person’s life. Instead, diversification is usually necessary. Most people with a diagnosis of ASD are going to need a variety of supports, possibly including therapies, behavioral supports, teaching strategies (Social Stories(TM), Social Behavior Mapping(TM), Social Response Pyramid(TM), The Incredible Five-Point Scale(TM)), diet, biomedical interventions, etc. And they may not need (or be able to utilize) all of those at the same time. I often tell parents that their implementation of strategies to help their child may resemble a revolving door. First, they should select those strategies which have the greatest likelihood of addressing the most pressing issues (or will bring about the greatest success). As the child learns and changes, some may be able to be discontinued, while others are added. Someday they may need to return to one or more strategies which were employed earlier.

Other components of structural integrity may include consistency, flexibility, a sense of humor, and the desire and ability to be interdependent–working with others to promote successful outcomes!

While one strategy may do a great job of solving an immediate issue, long-term, it may not be enough! Using it along with other strategies, and recognizing the benefits and drawbacks to each strategy, is more likely to bring about lasting success!

Do you have other thoughts you’d like to share? You may post those here.

Have a wonderful week!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Thank you to everyone who helped make our Lakeshore Open House a huge success last Thursday! The winter weather cooperated so that everyone was able to gather safely, and we enjoyed the opportunity to meet many new people, as well as renewing relationships with some old friends. Watch our web site for new programs and workshops for that location as we figure out how best to meet the needs of the lakeshore community.

Social Myopia

I was diagnosed with myopia when I was in fifth grade. That means that until I received my prescription glasses, I was able to read my textbook close-up, but not the chalkboard in front of the room. I’ve worn corrective lenses ever since to help me see things far away.

A funny thing happened last time I went to the eye doctor. Well, I’ll admit it doesn’t feel very funny. It seems that in the process of aging, I am now on the brink of needing bifocals, since I’m no longer nearsighted nor farsighted! The fact that I find it difficult to read books or my computer screen while wearing glasses proves the doctor’s point. I’m now shopping for a pair of interim reading glasses.

It has struck me that there’s a hidden truth here related to social understanding. Many of us have “social myopia.” We can readily see what we do well, but tend to be blinded to the gifts and abilities of others. Or perhaps on the flip side, we think we’re the only ones who feel overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, financially pinched, etc., while overlooking the fact that many others feel the same way.

As we examine the process of social understanding, we can sometimes find a need for “social reading glasses.” These would help with our tendency to see things “my way”–in a somewhat distorted version of reality where neither our own abilities/challenges nor those of others are seen with great clarity or accuracy.

Obtaining “social corrective lenses” may not be as simple as driving to the nearest drugstore, yet it need not be overly difficult. Here are a few steps to head us in the right direction:

1. Recognize the problem. Identify in yourself one or two areas which could use improvement (if we’re honest, there are usually at least that many)!

2. Distance yourself. When I was 13, my mom’s complaint that her “arms were too short” seemed both strange and funny. Sorry, Mom–I’m not laughing anymore! Without reading glasses, I find that I also have to hold small print farther away in order to be able to read it. Sometimes we need to take a real or imaginary step back from a social situation in order to see it, understand it, and respond to it more effectively.

3. Keep learning. Ask questions of the people with whom you live and work–without assuming you already know the answers. Attempt to get to know them and to see things from their perspective. Utilize resources such as “The Hidden Curriculum” (Brenda Smith Myles–available at www.thegraycenter.org) to better understand the social information that those with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) may be missing, and how you can help.

A glance at a dictionary confirms that “myopia” is “nearsightedness; a condition of the eye when objects are seen distinctly only when near the eye.” However, a second definition is this: “lack of foresight or discernment.” Now there’s a social point to ponder!

Best wishes for improved social foresight and discernment, which will likely benefit both you and those with whom you live and work!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org