Fair is Fair

When I was eight years old, my younger sister broke her leg while tagging along on my second grade field trip. She was in the hospital for several weeks, and then in a body cast for several more weeks. We cancelled a big family vacation, rigged up a stroller so that she could accompany us on outings, devised new and exciting ways to get her to take her medicine, and stacked up the gifts that accumulated from her many visitors.As a child, I was less than thrilled with all the attention she received! I mourned the loss of the most exciting trip we had ever planned, and watched with jealousy as she received new toys and other presents. I resented the attention she was getting from my parents and other friends and relatives, and missed the companionship of having her play with me. It just wasn’t fair!

Of course, with age comes improved perspectives and increased wisdom. I’m now able to see what I couldn’t see then with my “poor little me” attitude in the way. If anyone had a right to complain about life not being fair, it was her, not me! My parents tried to show me how unpleasant the medicine tasted, and how difficult it was for my little sister to get around while dragging her leg behind her. She probably would have gladly changed places with me!

I’ve now learned that important lesson. But as I look around me, I realize that there are still many people who have not had an opportunity to learn the difference between “fair” and “equal.” If my parents had treated us equally, they would have put a cast on me, pushed me around in stroller, and made me take disgusting medicine. Instead, they were “fair”–they gave each of us what we needed at the time. My sister got the medical treatment and necessary extra time and attention, I got the opportunity to run and play, unhindered by a broken leg or bulky cast.

Think about it. Does a child choose to have a learning disability, a form of autism, problems processing sensory input, difficulty reading, or struggles with interacting with others socially? Why do we hesitate to provide accommodations or modifications for him or her, fearing somehow that it wouldn’t be “fair” to the others in the classroom? Why do we feel it would be “unfair” for the high achievers in the classroom to do more math problems than their classmates who struggle to do even a few? Several pages of homework for one may require much less effort than a classmate’s extreme effort to complete a few problems. What’s fair? Why do we insist that it’s “only fair” for everyone to write with pen and paper, even when one child in the classroom has difficulty manipulating those tools and would do much better with a keyboard? What’s unfair about accommodating each person according to his or her needs and abilities? These are classroom examples, but questions about fairness also crop up at home, in the workplace, and in the community!

We know that life isn’t fair. Yet I believe we need to stop looking at our own perspective of how life isn’t fair for us, and look more closely at how it isn’t fair for others. As we focus on promoting social understanding, we can begin to see that people need varying degrees of time, encouragement, practice, explanations, accommodations, modifications, etc. What one person gets should not be determined according to what another person is getting, but should depend on what will help that person achieve his or her full potential.

Sound fair? Feel free to comment on this article here. And best wishes as you promote social understanding through attempting to be “fair” with those with whom you live and work!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Would you like help explaining differences to a child’s sibling or classmates? Check our web site for more information on books that might help, including “Brotherly Feelings,” and “Everybody is Different,” (for siblings), or “The Sixth Sense II,” “My Friend with Autism,” and “The Autism Acceptance Book” (for peers), and “The Goodenoughs Get in Sync” (to explain sensory processing difficulties). And if you have other books you’d like to see added to our bookstore, please let me know!

The Table That Divides

I have sat on both sides of the table. I’m talking about the professional table which is used to host members of the IEP (Individualized Education Plan), or the table in the classroom where parents are invited to join the teacher in discussing a child’s progress during a “parent-teacher conference.”

I first sat at this table as a teacher. I was fresh out of college, with lots of great ideas, a passion for the children with whom I worked, a commitment to spending my time developing new materials to meet my students’ needs, and an optimistic view that with lots of love and hard work, every child would experience success. I also had very little experience! One mom was particularly eager to point that out one day when she and I had a disagreement about her child’s behavior in the classroom. She told me, “You don’t understand, and you’ll never understand until you’re a mom!” Of course, at the time I was both hurt and offended by her belief that I couldn’t fully understand the motives or feelings of a parent until I was a parent myself.

I sat at that table again–on the other side–just a few years later when my own child was being evaluated for signs of developmental delays. The “familiar” IEP process suddenly seemed very “unfamiliar” as I filled out forms and listened to evaluations of my son. I didn’t feel at all like an experienced teacher or a professional as I faced evidence of my son’s challenges, defended my son’s abilities, and struggled to obtain an appropriate placement and supports for him. Since then, although my children have been blessed with wonderful teachers, I have often found myself feeling awkward or insecure as I’ve sat across from them at the conference table.

I’ve talked with other teachers who have experienced similar feelings when they crossed to the other side of the table to represent their own child with special needs. I have no doubt that my inexperience as a young teacher did not make me a bad teacher. But I see that I really didn’t understand the vulnerability of a parent until I became one myself.

Over the years, I’ve learned some things that I believe may be helpful for people as they approach either side of this table:

1. Take a team approach. Recognize that almost everyone is here because he or she cares deeply about the child. Usually, people choose to teach because they love children and recognize that they have gifts in this area. The child’s parent also loves the child very much, and wants whatever is best for him or her. This isn’t an “us” against “them” situation! Instead, we’re all players on the same team, with each person playing a unique role in working toward success for the child in question.

2. Acknowledge that there ARE two sides to the table. A professional will naturally approach the situation in a manner that is different from that of the parent. Neither approach is necessarily “good” or “bad”–just “different.”

3. Keep our eyes on the goal. Formal paperwork such as an IEP can help to guide our discussions, but emotions can often threaten to distract or divide. As we remember that we’re all attempting to act in the best interests of the child, we can try to keep other topics and sentiments off the table. Remember that we are dealing with only a small snapshot in time. While we track a child’s progress and set goals for the future, we cannot predict how much any child will achieve later in life. We need to keep predictions such as these off the table –especially if they begin with, “This child will never…!”

4. Know that we are all human! It’s OK to need more time to think about something before making a decision, or to even admit to having made a mistake. It’s also OK for people to get teary-eyed as they struggle with feelings of vulnerability and fear while discussing a precious child in terms of low test scores and other unique needs.

5. Be a lifelong learner! Everyone should be committed to continuing to learn new things, whether it’s about teaching, parenting, or getting to know a particular child to better identify his or her strengths and challenges. This makes it a lot less threatening when someone points out that there’s something we don’t know, or shows us where we could be doing better.

Regardless of the side of the table you occupy more frequently, we wish you well as you seek to promote social understanding on behalf of individuals with ASD! Hopefully, this “table” can become a place of unity rather than division; a “team huddle” rather than a barrier!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org P.S. Do you need help writing specific IEP goals? The Gray Center has two books which address this issue: Diane Twachtman-Cullen’s, “How Well Does Your IEP Measure Up?” and Michelle Garcia Winner’s, “Think Social!–Social Thinking Curriculum.” Both are on SALE at www.thegraycenter.org for a few days!

Bullying

A couple of weeks ago, Mary emailed me and asked for suggestions for helping her son to deal with kids at school who were being unkind. She shared that her son’s typical reaction is to get angry and respond in a similar fashion, which was proving to be rather ineffective.

I know that many of you are well-acquainted with this and similar situations! The sheer magnitude of research and resources on bullying is an indication of the prevalence of this issue, as well as the numerous methods of dealing with it. While some people might recommend “ignoring” the teasing or “just standing up to it,” we know that these rather pat answers are not supported by research, and are not likely to be effective when applied to a situation where a child with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is on the receiving end of the unkind words or actions.

Basically, there are three people (or groups of people) involved in a bullying attempt. First, there is the child or person who is being “picked on.” There is also the instigator/perpetrator, or the person attempting to do the bullying. Finally, there are likely bystanders, or people who might be in a position to ensure that the attempts are not successful. Most successful strategies address all three people or groups.

While the “victim” should not be blamed for the bullying attempts, he or she can be helped to identify these attempts, to respond in a more effective manner, and to cope with the ensuing emotions and feelings in a positive way. Some great resources include Carol Gray’s “Comic Strip Conversations” and “Gray’s Guide to Bullying,” Kari Dunn Buron’s “The Incredible 5-Point Scale,” Gershen Kaufman’s “Stick Up for Yourself” (with corresponding teacher’s manual), Brenda Smith Myles’ “The Hidden Curriculum,” Trevor Romain’s “Cliques, Phonies, and Other BALONEY,” and Dr. Tony Attwood’s “Exploring Feelings: Cognitive Behavior Therapy to Manage ANGER.”

Parents and professionals can learn more about how to encourage positive interactions between students or children, and how to work with peers to help them understand individuals with differences such as ASD. Excellent resources for this include Ken Rubin’s “The Friendship Factor,” Carol Gray’s “The Sixth Sense II,” and “No Fishing Allowed,” Fred Frankel’s “Good Friends are Hard to Find,” and Nick Dubin’s “Asperger Syndrome and Bullying” and his DVD, “Being Bullied.”

I know that Mary is not alone in her frustration and concern for her son. Yet I also know that she does not have to face this on her own! The Gray Center is running a SALE on the above resources this week so that those who struggle with the issue of bullying can get the help they need. (Go to www.thegraycenter.org/store to view details). I hope that SUN News readers will also post suggestions and/or encouragement for Mary here on this blog. Best wishes as you promote social understanding in your corner of the world!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

Be Still

Michigan Octobers are usually cool and crisp, with leaves changing colors and the grass and rooftops turning white from the early morning frost. Not so this year! We’ve had record-breaking heat that is forcing people to use air-conditioners beyond the traditional summertime, and to get creative in keeping students cool enough to focus on their studies.

The heat has also extended the opportunities to enjoy warm weather activities! On a hot evening this past week, my middle son and I headed out in our neighbor’s paddle boat on the small lake behind our house. We had taken a fishing pole along, but decided we weren’t in the mood to deal with a fish, so we stowed it in the back of the boat and spent an hour talking, paddling, and just sitting. I learned some new things about fifth grade and about my son. We watched a pair of great blue herons fishing, and studied them while they studied us. We listened as one flew overhead, making a loud, throaty sound. Our gentle paddling made the only waves in the calm lake. We noticed the way they distorted the crystal-clear reflections of the houses on the glassy water. A flock of geese flew by, and several ducks floated near our boat as we enjoyed our quiet evening. As we returned to shore, we were treated to a colorful display as the sun began to set along the horizon.

I’m ashamed to say that I don’t often take time to just “be still.” Normally I’m running around shuttling kids, finishing errands, working, and making preparations for future activities and excursions. I only half-listen as my kids talk about their day, while I mentally compose my grocery list or a note to the teacher. I scramble to get dinner on the table while we deal with schoolwork and sibling squabbles.

Does this sound familiar? Do you take time to be still? Do your kids have time to be still? As my son and I paddled back to shore last week, he said, “You know Mom, this is better than anything else I could be doing. It’s better than a video. It’s better than I imagine a Game Boy would be.” And I couldn’t agree more, as it certainly beat anything on my “to do list!”

Here’s my challenge to each one of us: Let’s find a way to “be still” in the week ahead! Whether you decide to enjoy nature, read a good book, sit in a favorite chair with the radio and TV off, or play a game with your kids, I hope you’re able to set aside the busyness of your everyday life in order to be still. What you learn or experience might surprise you! If you’d like, you can add your experiences and suggestions to our blog at graycenter.wordpress.com.

Have a great week, and enjoy the stillness!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

Next week I’ll write about bullying; a topic prompted by a question from one of our SUN (Social Understanding Network) members.