Gauging the Effectiveness of our Responses

When my children were little, I used to wish–sometimes only half-jokingly–that I had a giant rubber room to put them in for short periods of time. Whether they were running and jumping around when I was trying to work, or having meltdowns because they were tired or frustrated, or were enjoying a favorite “perseverative” pursuit, I recognized that in isolation, their responses were perfectly authentic and effective. By “authentic,” I mean that their responses arose from their unique immediate individual context, and were valid expressions of where they were in life at that immediate point in time. Their responses were “effective” for them because they met their needs at that given moment. A giant rubber room would give them time and a place for those authentic responses.The problem was, their responses didn’t work for me! Their social context included me, and their immediate responses were causing problems for me. They were either disrupting my tasks, or frustrating my need to enjoy a few quiet moments, or causing embarrassment for me because I was aware of the negative responses of others who were also part of our social context. In other words, at those times my children’s authentic responses were not socially effective!

I believe this is the core issue with individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD). The characteristic responses generally associated with this diagnosis (differences, deviations, or delays in language and communication, imagination or restricted interests, and social interaction) are not generally a problem–for them or for anyone else–when they are alone. Perhaps this is why many seem to prefer isolation! It’s when they are placed in a social context (i.e. a restaurant, classroom, crowded hallway, around the dinner table, or on the playground) surrounded by the opinions and expectations of others, that their authentic responses struggle or cease to be effective.

And it’s not just those with ASD who struggle to produce socially effective responses! A few weeks ago I was shopping with my two younger children. I was tired, and noticeably crabby. Finally my son said, “Mom, don’t take this the wrong way, but I can tell you didn’t take a nap!” In other words, I may have been responding at that moment in a way that accommodated my raw nerves and tired senses, but my responses weren’t working for my kids!

Complete, sustained isolation is rarely possible or desirable. How, then, do we help ourselves and others to determine whether our responses are socially effective?

First, after choosing and enacting a response, we gauge the effectiveness of the response for ourselves. In other words, we go back to “MY CONTEXT” (the starting point of the Social Response Pyramid(TM)) to see how it has changed. How am I feeling about what I did or said? What have I learned? Did my response work for me? But we can’t stop there! We cannot underestimate the importance of the social context, and of the thoughts, feelings, and responses of those around us; for it is the social context that will determine the effectiveness of our responses.

Usually, like my son did for me at the mall, other people can readily tell us whether or not our responses were socially effective. But we all need to learn to gauge the effectiveness of our responses by using the following strategies:

1. Reading nonverbal cues. Are people frowning as though they disagree with what you just said? Are they looking at their watches because they are hoping to finish this discussion soon? (This may be difficult for some people to determine, especially those with ASD. They may need to be encouraged to rely on the next two strategies).

2. Listening to the responses of others. People may be telling us to be more quiet (our response was too loud), or to listen more carefully (our responses might not have fit with their expectations, leading them to assume we misunderstood their instructions or weren’t listening), or to stop something we’re doing (our response is a hindrance to them in some way).

3. Asking for feedback from others. Sometimes we simply aren’t sure whether or not our responses worked for those around us. That’s when we can say, “Did I hurt you when I did that?” or “I realize that might not have made sense. Would you like me to rephrase what I just said?” or even, “Did you hear me? Can you tell me what I just said?”

Every time we gauge the effectiveness of our responses, we add to the knowledge and experience that forms the basis of our own immediate individual context. That means that hopefully next time, we will be more likely to make choices that lead to effective responses.

Many of you have asked to see a visual representation of the Social Response Pyramid(TM). I am working on posting more information to our web site at www.thegraycenter.org, but for now, you are welcome to email me at laurel@thegraycenter.org to request a pdf that shows the basics. We hope to soon have a training DVD available, also. Many of the resources available through The Gray Center help with a variety of aspects of social understanding and autism. You can find them at www.thegraycenter.org/store. Best wishes as you continue to work to promote social understanding!Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

Affirming Positive Choices and Effective Responses

We know from years of psychological research, as well as experience, that positive reinforcement brings about greater success than negative reinforcement. However, in practice, many of us find ourselves dishing out plenty of negative reinforcement! We chide or discipline our children for not picking up their toys, for not completing chores on time, and for not using proper mealtime manners. We put a student in the corner of the room (or send him or her down to the school office) for habitually talking out of turn, irritating peers, or not completing assignments. We nag our spouses (or ourselves!) for not being social enough, for not helping out enough around the house, or for spending money inappropriately. Sound familiar? Sometimes our negative responses to those around us appear to be our only choice, or seem to require less effort than re-thinking the problem and searching for a new or more creative solution.

Last week I began describing the Social Response Pyramid(TM) that I’ve developed. The bottom third of the pyramid is “MY CONTEXT” or “my reality.” Each of us approaches life deeply rooted in our own experiences, thoughts, feelings, opinions, expectations, and level of functioning. The “easy” path from input, through our own immediate individual context, to our responses is immediate, and often without thought. However, in order to be socially effective, we need to be more deliberate in our responses. That’s where the middle third of the Pyramid becomes highly significant: STRATEGIZING. It is in this area that we remember that we have CHOICES! We make choices every day. Admittedly, some lead to more effective responses than others. How do we encourage ourselves and others to choose effective responses more frequently? By reinforcing them!“Catch” yourself and others making positive choices that lead to effective responses, and be sure to affirm them. Here are some examples:

“That was an intelligent choice you made! You will have more money next time we go shopping because you’ve chosen to save your money today.” I’ve said this recently to my children when they decide not to purchase an item in the store, either because they don’t have enough money (and would need to borrow some from me), or because they recognize that they don’t need the item or it isn’t good quality. (And don’t we all like to have our intelligence affirmed?)

“What a healthy choice! You’ll have more energy for your activities this afternoon.” When my children choose to snack on pretzels, nuts, fruit, or vegetables instead of cookies or chips, I affirm them for making choices that help keep their bodies healthy and give them energy.

“Sharing your toy with your sister is a very friendly thing to do” affirms a decision to share, and points out that sharing is a great way to make friends.

Here are some more examples:

“Thank you for setting the table. I like it when you choose to be helpful. Now we’ll be able to eat soon!”

“I’m so glad you held my hand while we crossed the street. That was a safe choice. When we hold hands, I can help you stay safe as we walk in front of the waiting cars.”

“I’m impressed that you came back to tell me you’re sorry. Making an apology is a respectful choice; it shows that you care about me and the fact that I was hurt by what you did.”

You see, throughout each and every day, we make many choices. Those choices lead to our responses. Some responses are effective, and others are not so effective (and some are downright disastrous). When we affirm positive choices and effective responses in the way I’ve detailed above, we not only reinforce them, but we also provide valuable information about WHY the responses worked–a particularly helpful aspect for those with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) who don’t always make those connections themselves.

We can choose to affirm positive choices and effective responses that we observe in ourselves and others. That’s one of the strategies available to us in our “toolbox” portion of the Social Response Pyramid(TM) known as “STRATEGIZING” or “choosing a response.” There are numerous other strategies available to ourselves and others, including Social Stories(TM), Social Behavior Mapping(TM), “The Incredible 5-Point Scale(TM),” sensory integration, visual supports (lists, calendars, pictures, etc.), asking for help, and more!

Next week I’ll write about gauging the effectiveness of our responses. That’s not always easy to do, but again, we have many resources available to help us!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

The Social Response Pyramid(TM)

Have you ever considered why it is that immediate family members can experience the same situation, yet have different thoughts, perspectives, and feelings about it, and respond to it in different ways? In fact, each of us approaches life deeply rooted in our own “immediate individual context,” or our “own reality.” This reality is shaped by our past experiences (and how we feel about them), our current state of mind (emotions, etc.), our opinions and expectations, our knowledge and functioning level (including the presence of a diagnosis such as autism), and our ability to integrate the sensory information around us. Our approach can vary from day to day (or minute to minute), as our experiences and perspectives change, as we learn new things, and as our feelings fluctuate. This starting point is highly individualized, making each one of us unique from everyone else around us, even our own family members.As we face a variety of input in life, whether it’s something someone says or does, or a sensory stimulus, or a memory or situation which prompts a memory, we filter that input through our own reality, or context, before producing a response. Often, our responses are immediate–almost “knee-jerk responses” to the input. A classmate, family member, or colleague says something that makes us angry, and we respond with a passionate retort. We hear a loud noise and cover our ears or move away from the sound. We may approach a decision or situation the same way we did in the past, whether or not our response works, simply because it’s familiar.

The problem is that our responses generally take place within a “social context.” We rarely are in complete isolation as we respond to input. And our immediate responses often are inconsistent with the expectations of the given social context (or the contexts of those around us). For example, an angry retort will not be as appropriate or effective in the middle of a classroom lecture. An offending noise cannot make us bolt from the room if we find ourselves in the middle of a reverent worship service or other solemn ceremony. And doing something the same way we’ve done it before isn’t effective if someone is trying to teach us a new way of doing the task, if the result of our response is that someone is hurt, either physically or emotionally, or if it simply does not work.

Yes, we approach life–and respond to it– from our own unique individual context. However, each of us generally operates within a social context. So our responses need to be more than “knee-jerk” responses. Instead, they need to be socially effective! This necessitates a more deliberate response; one that takes into account our own perspective as well as that of the social context, or the contexts of those around us. In other words, we have choices as to how we will respond to life’s situations, and we are able to have some control over the effectiveness of our responses, and ultimately, our success in life! (Next week I’ll write about affirming positive choices in those around us).

This is the basis of The Social Response Pyramid(TM) that that I’ve developed. In subsequent issues of SUN News, I’ll further detail this educational tool, which is intended to help us better understand ourselves and others to aid in promoting social understanding.

If you live in the Chicago area, you can hear me present on The Social Response Pyramid(TM) this Wednesday, August 15th (go to http://www.opcrc.org/autism.html to register). You’ll find out how the Social Response Pyramid(TM) works, how it helps us to understand ourselves and others and to interact with those with autism, how it incorporates the various educational strategies available (i.e. Social Stories(TM), Social Behavior Mapping(TM), Sensory Integration) and how you can use this tool immediately at home, school, or in a variety of other environments.

I look forward to sharing more ideas with you in the near future!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding, www.thegraycenter.org

Logical Consequences

Have you ever been in a store which has greeted you with a sign stating, “You break it, you bought it?” The owners are cautioning you that you are free to handle their goods at your own risk; if you break something, you will need to pay for it. This is an example of a “logical consequence”; literally “paying the price” for our own decisions. As I spend the long summer days with my children, we are beginning to notice the value of logical or natural (arising from the laws of nature) consequences in a wide variety of situations. Here are some of the ones we are implementing at home:

1. Rather than nagging my children about cleaning up after themselves, I remind them once, and tell them when I will be checking to see if they have finished the task (they determine how long they think they will need to complete the task). When their time is up (unless they request additional time), I evaluate their progress. If items did not get put away, I put them away…in a place that will be inaccessible for a week. I used to feel like I was reminding them constantly, and we would all be frustrated by the lack of progress. Now, however, natural consequences allow the children to see what happens when they don’t take care of their belongings. (My colleague Ann Mary Dykstra says when her children were young, they would have the option of buying their belongings back after they were confiscated. I think we’ll add this great idea to our new method of home-cleaning!)

2. I’ll admit that I struggle when my children ask for something in a store. I’ve frequently purchased items we don’t need simply because I don’t want to say “no,” am afraid of a tantrum, or am not able to think clearly enough to make an intelligent decision. Now we have worked out an allowance system. Each child receives a small amount of money per week. A portion of that is given to charity, and another portion is put into college savings. The remainder is theirs to spend or to save for a future purchase. The “natural consequence system” enables me to reply to a child who wants yet another toy or stuffed animal, “Do you have money for that?” If the answer is “no,” we leave the store without the requested item. On the other hand, if they do have money, they are free to purchase the item, even if it ends up breaking or being forgotten within 5 minutes of arriving home. This is proving to be a great way to teach them the value of money, and of making wise decisions about how they’ll spend it!

3. When we have a “to do list” of chores that need to be completed, these must be done before we move on to anticipated fun activities. Of course, we try to be realistic in determining how much time each task will take so that we can ensure that there will be ample time for recreation. However, a child who makes other choices regarding the use of his or her time (i.e. “taking breaks,” or moving on to play activities early without completing the chores) will find that the option of the anticipated fun activity has been removed because the chores were not completed. As a “logical consequence,” this is the direct result of their decision to use their time for a purpose other than completing chores.

4. If someone chooses not to come when called for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, he or she misses the meal. (This only happened once, and now the kids are quick to come when called!)

Does this sound harsh? Actually, it has made life more predictable and enjoyable for all of us! It has eliminated a lot of the guesswork from our time together, and has made us all more aware of the consequences of our decisions. And if you think about it, it’s a more accurate reflection of the consequences my kids will face later in life. As adults, most of us have learned that if we don’t stock up on groceries, we’ll get to the point where it’s difficult to find food to eat. If we don’t refill the gas tank, sooner or later we’re going to end up stranded along the side of the road. If we complete job assignments on time, we may or may not receive recognition for it, but if we’re late, we may face reprimands, loss of pay, or even loss of a job. Those are all logical or natural consequences, and we all face them in various places and times throughout our lives!

I know that this is not a new concept. Many of you have already been using such consequences at home or in the classroom or workplace. Some of you, however, may want to try implementing some of these ideas. I’d love to have you share your thoughts, memories, or creative suggestions here! I hope you’ll find, as we have, that natural consequences can help some children (and adults) recognize that we have choices, as well as some control over the outcomes of our decisions.

The Gray Center has just added several new titles to our online bookstore at www.thegraycenter.org. One is a book that describes the use of consistency, communication, and natural and logical consequences–”How to Handle a Hard to Handle Kid.” It can help you identify the type of parent you tend to be, how to prevent problems, how to help your child keep up the good work, help your child develop friendships, etc. From now through Saturday, you’ll find great discounts on ALL our new titles, including “Good Friends are Hard to Find: Help Your Child Find, Make, and Keep Friends,” and “How to do Homework Without Throwing Up” (a fun book for adolescents with a sense of humor), as well as Tony Attwood’s “Asperger’s and Girls.” Check out all our new titles–and all our great deals–at www.thegraycenter.org! Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org