Have you ever noticed that often the things we pay the most attention to are those that are unexpected? We form expectations based on our own past experiences and our own way of conceptualizing our world. When something happens that doesn’t fit nicely into the opinions, experiences, or expectations that we’ve formed, then it’s “unexpected.” When people do things that we don’t expect, we quickly form opinions about them based on their words or actions and how they make us feel.
Sometimes, the unexpected things in life invoke our sense of humor. They make us laugh! My five-year-old daughter elicited this response from me recently when she and I were standing outside a public restroom waiting for her brothers. As she stared up at the universal restroom symbols, she said, “I know how to tell which one is the boys’ and which one is the girls’…This one is the girls’ ’cause it has a skirt on. That one is the boys’…’cause it has no clothes on!” Her comment was completely unexpected (funny how I had never seen that symbol that way before–although I’m certain I’ll never see it the same way again!) and my boys had to ask why I was laughing when they exited the restroom.
Unfortunately, encounters with the unexpected don’t always strike us as funny or refreshing. We quickly draw conclusions that people are strange, uneducated, disobedient, careless, unfriendly, or unkind due to the fact that their words or actions do not fit into our predetermined ideas for what is “supposed” to happen.
While we are busy forming opinions about other people, they are also actively forming opinions about us! The good news is that there are ways we can gauge the expectations of others, and find opportunities to fit within those in a socially acceptable way to help positively influence the opinions they form about us.
There is a simple tool that will help to teach this concept! Michelle Garcia Winner’s “Social Behavior Mapping” strategy provides a visual roadmap which indicates how our unexpected words or actions can lead to negative consequences and internal emotions (how others feel about us, and how we feel about ourselves), and how expected behaviors can lead to positive consequences and internal emotions. Her DVD gives the background for the tool and teaches parents and teachers how to use it. Her poster enables parents and teachers to use a dry erase marker to lead students through the process, and her book gives numerous examples of completed Social Behavior Maps. All are available on our new web site at www.thegraycenter.org. (See the NOTE about a special sale at the end of this article!)
Other great resources which I recommend frequently (as does Michelle) are “The Incredible 5-Point Scale” by Kari Dunn Buron, and its sequel, “A 5 is Against the Law!” These help guide individuals through the process of producing expected responses.
While our occasional unexpected responses may invoke others’ sense of humor, they also have the potential to ostracize us. It’s a relief to know that there are resources to help us navigate this fine line in order to help ourselves and others become more socially effective!
If you’d like to comment on this article, you can do so here. Have a wonderful week!
Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org
NOTE: This week only–if you purchase any THREE of Michelle Garcia Winner’s resources, you will receive a FREE copy of Michelle’s VHS, “Social Thinking Across the Home and School Day”–which includes four hours of valuable instruction! (Retail value is $59.95!) Note that you do not need to add the VHS to your shopping cart–our staff will automatically include a FREE VHS with every order for three or more of Michelle’s resources! Now is the time to purchase Michelle’s four DVDs–including the two that were just produced this month–or any one of her wonderful books! All can be found at www.thegraycenter.org. Hurry–this special offer ends Saturday!
I have some possessions in my home which simply don’t have their own space. Papers have accumulated in piles because they don’t quite seem to fit the files I set up long ago, and are too important to be thrown away or shredded. My storage room still contains boxes from my last move, with items that I haven’t taken time to put away or to set out to use or to decorate our home. Although I’ve tucked these papers and objects into less-obvious places in my house, they are accumulating in a state of semi-controlled chaos until I have time to assign a specific space to each one or find a way to utilize them. In a future issue of the SUN News, I will detail some of the benefits of chaos (there are a few, in case you’re wondering!). However, this particular chaos is unproductive and unsightly. Each item eventually needs its own space.
Sometimes we create “a space” for an item. A drawer, file folder, closet shelf, or hidden nook becomes the home for an item so that it is out of sight, but can be found or accessed as needed. When we create “a space” for something, we seclude it in its own location where it is out of sight or out of the way until needed. Other times we create “space” for an item. We move living room furniture to accommodate a new sofa, re-arrange a china cabinet to include another figurine or dish, or change a wall grouping to incorporate a new picture or piece of artwork. When we create “space” for something, we incorporate the item into a particular setting so that it can be used or enjoyed as we go about our daily lives.
What about people? Do we create “a space” for some and create “space” for others? Do we relegate some middle school or high school peers (or work colleagues or family members) to the fringes of our social interactions, while including others in our discussions and outings? Do we put a disruptive child in a corner of the classroom while we provide instruction to the rest of the class in the center of the room? Do we install a wheelchair ramp or a hearing aid system in our places of worship so that we can point to the “spaces” we’re creating for those with disabilities, while neglecting to create “space” for them by sitting with them during the service, inviting them to our homes, or ensuring that they can also join our small group discussion or coffee times? Do we cook special foods for a person on a limited diet, while we continue to enjoy the forbidden foods in their presence?
I’m learning to re-think the accommodations I make for the people around me. Some are simply “token efforts” designed to make me feel as though I’m doing the right thing by creating “a space” for them. But I’m neglecting to incorporate them–their strengths as well as their challenges–into my daily life. In other words, I’m not creating “space” for them.
What about you? What about your home, school, place of employment, or place of worship? Have you done a good job of creating “a space” for some individuals around you, without ensuring that there is meaningful “space” for them? Doing so implies (whether or not it’s intentional) that they are not important enough to be included in the types of interactions we reserve for others. Why are we quick to relegate some people to “a space” while we incorporate others into our own space? Sometimes it’s because of past experience, or opinions we’ve formed from prejudicial comments others have said. Sometimes it’s because of a lack of understanding or personal experience with those who are “different.” Sometimes it’s simply because it’s easier, since it doesn’t require creativity, effort, trying new ways of doing things, or the exercising of hospitality.
A commitment to promoting social understanding necessitates the deliberate creation (and regular maintenance) of “space” for those around us! It means exercising hospitality and inclusion, whether we are playing, parenting, teaching, working, worshipping, or simply going about our daily lives. The Gray Center has some resources which are related to this topic. These include two wonderful books by local author and incredibly talented educator Barb Newman, “Helping Kids Include Kids with Disabilities,” and “Autism and Your Church.” Other titles (by various authors) include, “Everybody is Different” (a book to help siblings of children with autism), “How to be a Parapro,” and “That’s What’s Different About Me” (an interactive DVD and puppet play). For a complete listing of materials, visit our online bookstore at www.thegraycenter.org/store!
On a related note, churches in the West Michigan area will have an opportunity to apply for participation in a grant to assist their own congregations in becoming more inclusive. For more information, you can register to attend the “One Body Together in Christ” workshop on Saturday, September 8th (see http://www.togetherinchrist.us/ –please note that attendance is limited!) Anyone is welcome to attend the workshop to learn more about disabilities and how to create inclusion in our churches. (Our friend Sondra Williams, a woman with autism, will be the keynote speaker).
If you’d like to comment on this article, I invite you to do so at www.graycenter/wordpress.com. I appreciate your insights!
A special thanks to those of you who so graciously excel in creating space for others. You are a true inspiration to me!
Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understandingwww.thegraycenter.org
