Archive for June, 2007

On behalf of future drivers

Posted June 25, 2007
Filed under: Parenting |
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This is the time of year when many young people in my community head to “driver’s education.” Cars with this designation on the doors or the top of the vehicle are abundant on the highways, city streets, and parking lots, where many of the new drivers are honing parking skills (and dodging oblivious shoppers).

Most of my acquaintances have one or two vehicles which they use for daily transportation. I know that this is vastly different from other places where public transportation–or even walking or biking– is widely used for navigating busy streets. Yet if we continue to live at our current location, my three children will someday be faced with “driver’s education” where they will study materials on traffic rules and vehicle safety, and venture out on the roads with an instructor before taking tests to ultimately receive a driver’s license. My oldest is still a couple of years (or months and days, according to his calculations) away from the legal driving age. That’s just fine with me, since I’m not particularly looking forward to those early white-knuckled driving days (or sitting at home awaiting my kids’ safe return once they’re driving on their own!)

However, many years ago my children and I began working to enable them to develop some pre-driving skills. Often, I ask them to “help get me there” when we’re driving around town. They give me directions such as, “Turn right at the next light, go three blocks to the bank on the corner. Turn left…” They have been building an awareness of how to navigate through busy streets to find their way around. When we encounter a detour or unexpected change, I’ll ask them what I should do. Together we weigh our options, and decide which one is best. Even if we’re going to a familiar location, we’ll experiment with different ways to get there. We talk about what we think a driver near us is going to do, and how we know (based on speed, eye contact, direction the wheels are turning, etc.) I explain to them the hazards of driving on wet or slippery roads, of driving when tired, or of being near (or with) drivers who have been drinking alcohol.

I have every hope that my kids are going to be responsible, safe drivers! Yet many of you are several years ahead of us. You’ve already navigated driver’s education, and sleepless late nights while awaiting your child’s safe return. If you have tips for assisting children in developing the skills and awareness that they’ll need in order to be safe drivers, I hope you’ll post those here.  I’m sure that others would appreciate reading your tips, and I’ll be sure to save them to review when my kids begin driving!

Others of you have helped your children find alternative ways of navigating your community when driving isn’t an option. I hope you’ll let us know about your experiences and suggestions, too!

On behalf of other parents who hope to someday stop cringing at the thought of sending their kids out on the road, thank you for sending your best tried-and-true advice!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

Let them spread their wings!

Posted June 18, 2007
Filed under: Uncategorized |
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Once, a friend presented my children with a glass jar containing a caterpillar, a twig, and a milkweed plant. After a few days of eating, the caterpillar hung upside down and formed a chrysalis, where it stayed for two weeks while performing an amazing transformation. We waited eagerly until the day when the Monarch butterfly began to make its appearance. Although from a small child’s vantage point the butterfly’s process of emerging from a chrysalis seems to be exceedingly difficult and tedious, this is not a step that can be hurried along or helped by human hands. In fact, a butterfly must struggle in order to develop wings strong enough to fly! If little fingers were to open the chrysalis or assist the butterfly in emerging to begin its new life, the butterfly would die prematurely. However, once it has left the chrysalis and developed strong wings, the Monarch butterfly is one of the few insects able to cross the Atlantic Ocean.

As a mom, I know the value of a safe “chrysalis” for my own “emerging butterflies.” From the time they were infants, I have worked to create an environment for my children which is safe and comfortable, and which enables them to develop the skills they need as they become more independent. Yet I also know how difficult it is to watch them struggle! I’ve witnessed academic disappointments, physical and emotional hurts, relationship struggles, and the usual “growing pains” experienced by most children as they grow from infants, to toddlers, to children, to adolescents.

Yet as they navigate the sometimes difficult experiences of growing up, my children are learning valuable lessons. I walk alongside them to help them celebrate their achievements as well as make sense of their disappointments and learn from their failures. Yet rather than trying to eliminate these difficult areas, we embrace them as they come, knowing that they make us all stronger and better able to face future trials. Even these struggles play an important role in helping my children achieve their full potential.

What about you? Do you also struggle to find a healthy balance between protecting your children or students and allowing them to experience and learn from hardships? Here’s a point to ponder:

 Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve.  ~Roger Lewin

Best wishes as you enable children and adolescents to develop their full potential, by providing a safe and supportive environment for them as they navigate and learn from the ups and downs of life. Like Monarch butterflies, may they exceed our expectations as they spread their wings and fly!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. This week at www.thegraycenter.org/shop we’re featuring several resources that will help you in this important task! If you’d like to comment on this article, please do so!

How Far is Too Far?

Posted June 4, 2007
Filed under: Social Understanding, autism |
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We’ve likely all heard the expression, “You’ve gone too far.” Generally it’s spoken when we have crossed an invisible social line from “acceptable” to “unacceptable.” Good-natured teasing develops a hurtful edge. A fun prank destroys property or injures a person’s sense of self-worth. Criticism, perhaps intended to be constructive, borders on bullying or abuse and ends up tearing down relationships or self-esteem. Probing questions become too personal or intrusive. A gesture or comment is misconstrued, or wasn’t anticipated or desired, and is viewed as harassment.

Many people can sense when they have gone “too far.” The responses they get, either internally or externally, signal that it’s time to stop, or even to backtrack if possible. They begin to right the wrongs, and to heal the hurts that resulted from their words or actions. Ideally, they learn from experience and watch their future words and actions more closely to ensure that the invisible line between “far” and “too far” is not crossed again (at least not in the same way).

If you know about autism spectrum disorders (ASD), you are aware that it can be difficult for individuals with this diagnosis (as well as many others without the diagnosis) to “sense” the line between “far” and “too far,” to identify the need to stop their words or actions, or to repair the situation once it has deteriorated. How do we teach this? While it may be tempting to develop an exhaustive list of “do’s” and “do not’s” for individuals to follow, the nature of social situations creates a relatively unpredictable playing field; one that is not particularly conducive to a black and white list of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. We know that there should be some absolutes–rules that are always followed, with consequences for disobedience. However, not all things can be stated as rules, and not all rules are intended to be followed absolutely.

When I was in high school, we were not allowed to throw snow balls on school property. The school administration wisely indicated that injuries and/or out-of-control crowd situations could result if the rules were not followed. One day, as I was leaving school, I quickly crafted a snowball and aimed it at an oncoming target, and successfully hit it squarely in the forehead! I suppose the most amazing aspect of this wasn’t that I was able to hit something smaller than the side of a building (my aim was never very good), or that I–always a good student and rule-follower–would break the school rules, but that I didn’t get in trouble for going “too far.” You see, I “sensed” that the rules could be bent in this situation, and that what typically would cause problems for me would not be an issue in this situation. And fortunately, I was right! (Keep reading to find out why!)

So, if we sometimes need to “sense” the social line of acceptability rather than always constructing it out of specific rules rigidly followed, how do we convey that to those with ASD? We know that an inability to avoid going “too far” damages or ruins relationships, leads students to punishment or expulsion, entices boyfriends and girlfriends (or those who wish to carry that title) toward undesirable or dangerous situations, and often, propels people of all ages into the hands of the legal system.

The best resource I’ve found which deals specifically with this dilemma is Kari Dunn Buron’s “A 5 is Against the Law.” If you’re familiar with her previous book, “The Incredible 5-Point Scale,” then you know the value (and effectiveness) of teaching this scale to individuals to help them monitor and adjust their emotions and behaviors across a wide variety of environments and situations.

Chapters in this newer book include, “What is a 5-Point Scale?” and a great one on social understanding, “Different People See and THINK About Things Differently.” While much of the book’s content can be applied to a variety of scenarios, the author also provides valuable specific information such as “When a Kiss or Glance Becomes a Crime.” I highly recommend both books! (Both are available through our online bookstore at www.thegraycenter.org). As we continue to teach social understanding, our goal is to have fewer incidents of “crossing the line” or “going too far”–on BOTH sides of the social equation!As always, you can comment on this article here. I welcome your input!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

P.S. My long-ago snowball hit a member of the school administration– our vice-principal–right in the middle of his forehead. At approximately 6 feet, 5 inches tall, he was a formidable opponent. However, he was also a long-time family friend, AND he broke the rules first by throwing a snowball at me (although he missed)! We were both shocked when my hastily launched missile hit its target, but I knew as well as he did that given the circumstances, he would have a hard time justifying punishment for me!