No time for social understanding?

The Gray Center has been working to promote social understanding since 1998. Our efforts are a continuation and expansion of the work of Carol and Brian Gray, who have devoted their entire careers to promoting social understanding. Since October, 2006, I have sent out a weekly SUN News article to give our ever-increasing Social Understanding Network members (4300 to date) new or remodeled ideas for promoting social understanding in the home, school, workplace, and community. 

But when and how do we teach social understanding to our children? Is this another subject which must share time and space with important academics such as math, science, and reading? With standardized tests or summer vacation looming, is “social understanding” relegated to a quick discussion during the lunch hour or in a once-a-year assembly? Do the kids with “special needs” get pulled out of the classroom to attend a “social understanding group” with the resource room teacher or the school psychologist while their classmates go about their usual daily activities? Do parents conduct a “social understanding” discussion with their children in the same way that they might finally schedule an uncomfortable session on “the birds and the bees?” 

Don’t get me wrong–any time devoted to teaching social understanding is time well-spent. However, in my opinion, social understanding is not the icing on the cake; it should be the platter on which the cake and frosting are securely resting! 

It takes only a few extra minutes to talk with children about why people do things, how others feel when we use certain words or act in a particular manner, why they or others struggle with some tasks or activities, how they can use their abilities to help others, what they can do differently in future situations, etc. When we do so consistently and constantly throughout our daily lives, we build a solid framework which children can refer to and learn from as they evaluate what they’re seeing, hearing, saying, doing, and feeling.  

I believe that if every parent, teacher, bus driver, administrator, counselor, psychologist, babysitter, grandparent–every individual–commits to modeling and teaching social understanding, that incidences of “anti-social understanding” (bullying, prejudice, intolerance, and more) will become significantly less. And opportunities for success will greatly increase for everyone! 

In short, we don’t have time to NOT teach social understanding! 

Laurel Hoekman, Executive DirectorThe Gray Center for Social Learning and Understandinglaurel@thegraycenter.org  

P.S. Many of you take time to email me each week with support, encouragement, and creative ideas. Thank you! As usual, you can also comment on this SUN News article here. And if you’d like help in your role of promoting social understanding, we have a wide variety of great resources available at www.thegraycenter.org! Watch our web site for upcoming information about two exciting NEW resources that The Gray Center will be developing with Michelle Garcia Winner this summer!

A “hole” lot of potential

When I’m driving between my home and The Gray Center office, I sometimes pass new housing developments. It’s exciting to watch the progression of a house from a large, nondescript hole in the ground, to a skeleton of wood, to a beautiful home. When the hole is first dug for the basement and foundation, it’s difficult for me to imagine how the finished structure will look, and how it will fit into the surrounding neighborhood. Since I’m not the architect who has both a mental picture of the finished product as well as a blueprint for its development, I have a hard time making the mental stretch from a muddy hole to a comfortable dwelling.

The other day I realized that our children and students could be compared to the hole in the ground at the beginning of a construction project. Unfortunately, some people tend to view individuals with autism in terms of what they’re “missing.” There is perhaps no greater frustration for me than to hear someone declare when a child is young that “he will never be in a regular classroom,” “he will never drive,” or “she will never live independently.” That’s as ridiculous as saying to an architect or contactor, “That hole will never be a home!”

While the diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is primarily based on differences, delays, or deficits, each individual has numerous strengths as well. Diagnosis or no diagnosis, our children are a “hole” lot of potential! They are already unique individuals, and there is a special blueprint for each of their lives. While we do not have access to the final blueprint, and do not know what they will grow up to be, we can help to ensure that they receive the finest construction throughout the entire process.

How wonderful it is when we help our children catch that vision by saying things like, “You have such talent for writing–I’ll bet you could write a book someday!” or “You are a very diligent worker. Someone will be fortunate to have you as an employee when you get older, and I’m blessed to have you as my helper,” or even, “You’ve studied hard for that test. No matter how well you do on it, I’m proud of you for preparing so thoroughly!”

And while we’re at it, don’t forget the potential that YOU possess as an individual working on behalf of people with ASD. One person CAN make a difference! I’ll close with an inspiring quote by Joyce Maynard, “It’s not only children who grow.  Parents [and other adults] do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it myself.” If you’d like to share stories of the work you’re doing, or the progress you’re seeing in people around you, please do so here! It’s exciting to have this opportunity to learn from and to support each other!

Let’s continue to work on this valuable construction project; building a world that’s open to and values the unique perspectives and abilities of each and every person! Now that’s true social understanding!

Laurel A. Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

P.S. If you live in or around Michigan, there’s still time to register to hear Nick Dubin speak about Asperger Syndrome on May 10! If you live too far away to join us, you can find Nick’s book and DVDs (on Asperger’s, employment, and bullying) in The Gray Center’s online bookstore. Go to www.thegraycenter.org for more information.

Roadblocks

I remember hearing a story about a young person with autism who regularly went for a bike ride, following the same route each time. One day he did not return home. When his family went looking for him, they found him standing, bewildered, at a sign indicating a road closure. If you are familiar with ASD (autism spectrum disorders), you may feel that this is predictable, given a common difficulty with imagining new responses or solutions to novel situations.

Yet I believe that many of us suffer from the same difficulty–perhaps not with actual roadblocks out on the highways and byways, but more likely with “life’s roadblocks.” From receiving a diagnosis for a young child (whether or not it was anticipated), to facing difficult behaviors, to struggling through sleepless nights, to manipulating diets or medications to achieve maximum results, to striving to teach an important but seemingly difficult lesson, we are frequently faced with what at first glance may appear to be the end of the road.

At such a roadblock, we need to determine whether we will shut down while viewing it as a permanent dead end, or look around for new options so that the roadblock becomes only a temporary setback. Business-woman Mary Kay Ash apparently has said, “For every failure, there’s an alternative course of action. You just have to find it. When you come to a roadblock, take a detour.”

How can you develop a detour? How do you keep going when you feel as though you’re at the end of your road?

- Find just one thing to try that’s different from what you’ve tried before.

- Allow yourself to rest for a moment, taking time to assess the situation and think through possible alternatives.

- Ask for directions. Utilize the creativity, gifts, and experiences of those around you to spark new possibilities for your situation.

- Remember that tomorrow is a new day, bringing with it new opportunities and perspectives.

- Look back on where you’ve been–sometimes this perspective shows the progress you’ve been making, even though it’s been achieved through baby steps, or even when it feels as though you’ve not been moving at all!

- Recognize that the new route you take may end up being better in the long run than the one you were on previously.

What other ideas do you have? How do you keep perspective even when you’re up against difficult odds or roadblocks? I hope you’ll share your ideas as comments to this post.

If you’re looking for new ideas, you can find many of them in the NEW resources featured on our web site at www.thegraycenter.org/shop! One of the new books in our bookstore is “The Survival Guide for Kids with ADD or ADHD” by John F. Taylor, PhD. It’s a wonderful resource for kids who are learning about their diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder. (It also has great information for their parents, teachers, and counselors). Chapter Two, “Make Each Day Go Better” is a fabulous roadmap for developing detours and incorporating them into one’s daily life! I’m currently working through this book with my son, and he and I both highly recommend it!I’ll close with a quote from pioneering automaker, Henry Ford: “Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.”

Best wishes as you face temporary setbacks and turn them into stepping stones on your journey in parenting, teaching, or growing as an individual!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

laurel@thegraycenter.org

Creative and Collaborative Problem-Solving

Welcome to a special edition of SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!

If you’re like me, you occasionally feel “stuck,” whether you’re facing a difficult choice, a problem behavior, a scheduling conflict, or some other dilemma, big or small.

One of the best methods I’ve used for “getting unstuck” is called SOLUTION CIRCLES (Developed by Jack Pierpoint and Marsha Forest, Inclusion Press). This tool is designed to consider input from a diverse set of people to help a person get “unstuck” from a challenging or frustrating situation. Although it does not guarantee a solution, it is likely that the process will point to the next logical step.

As you attempt to use this strategy at home, at school, or even in the workplace, you will need to assemble a diverse TEAM, including:
1. Process Facilitator (team manager/time keeper)
2. Problem Presenter (focus person)
3. Recorder (note taker/graphic recorder)
4. Amazingly Creative Brainstorm Team

Together the team follows these steps:

STEP ONE: (6 minutes) SETTING THE STAGE
• Process Facilitator: Keeps time and focus
• Problem Presenter: UNINTERRUPTED—outlines the problem, provides pertinent information. Sits quietly when finished talking, using full 6 minutes.
• Recorder: Records information on chart paper.
• Amazingly Creative Brainstorm Team: Listen carefully and quietly.

STEP TWO: (6 minutes) BRAINSTORMING
• Process Facilitator: Keeps time and ensures this is just brainstorming (not lecturing or giving advice)
• Problem Presenter: Listens quietly.
• Recorder: Records information on chart paper.
• Amazingly Creative Brainstorm Team: Brainstorm creative ideas and solutions—no explanations/details, just basic suggestions.

STEP THREE: (6 minutes) DIALOGUING
• Process Facilitator: Keeps time and focus
• Problem Presenter: Leads the dialogue—asks questions about interesting ideas. Ask for clarification or more information.
• Recorder: Records information on chart paper.
• Amazingly Creative Brainstorm Team: Respond with information about the presenters questions.

STEP FOUR: (6 minutes) DECISIONS AND ACCOUNTABILITY
• Process Facilitator: Keeps time and focus
• Problem Presenter: Decide on three steps that are doable within the next three days. Ask for one or more people to help hold you accountable.
• Recorder: Records decisions on chart paper.
• Amazingly Creative Brainstorm Team: Volunteer to call or e-mail the presenter to follow up on the action taken (providing accountability and encouragement).

ENDING: Each member provides a one-word summary of his/her experience. Notice that the entire process takes only 24 minutes—with the end result being that a person who was previously “stuck” now has a plan for moving forward and taking some steps toward being unstuck.

I hope you’ll try this! Your team can include teens, adults, parents, professionals, etc.—the more diverse the team members, the more creative your brainstorming process will be! (This is a great tool to use with an IEP team, but don’t overlook the benefits of including the older student and/or peers!)

If you try using Solution Circles, I hope you’ll let me know about the experience by adding COMMENTS here!

Thank you for the work you are doing to promote social understanding!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org  

Fostering Teamwork

Welcome to SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network! 

There are many activities in life that require teamwork. Basically, teamwork is effective, cooperative or coordinated effort on the part of a group of persons acting together as a team in the interests of a common cause or to achieve a common goal. 

This definition is a combination of several similar definitions found online. But what does it mean?  

First, teamwork “works.” When people work together effectively, they can row a boat across a finish line in record time, beating their opponents. They can complete a group science project on-time, while fulfilling each of the teacher’s requirements. They can operate a business or organization with integrity, meeting people’s needs while keeping themselves financially solvent. They can run a household, paying bills, caring for each family member’s needs, and producing members who learn to operate both independently and as part of a group. 

Secondly, teamwork “works together.” The members do not work independently or side-by-side, but they work “as a team.” That’s what makes teamwork effective! Each member of the team, whether it’s a staff, class, family, sports team, governing board, or other established group, commits to devoting time and skills to the collective efforts. Each person “carries his or her own weight.” This means that no one sits back expecting others to expend all the effort. Each person cooperates with the others to ensure that the work is accurate and complete.  

Members of an effective team are cooperative; they encourage each other, anticipate–and work to meet– each other’s needs, and openly acknowledge the gifts and abilities of other members, while operating as a collective, collaborative unit. Each person also tries to refrain from actions or words that would sabotage the efforts of the team.  

Lastly, each person takes responsibility for ensuring that the team is moving toward a common goal, or is operating in a way that is consistent with the stated purpose. If an organization has a mission statement, the staff and board will make sure that the activities and financial commitments correspond with that. Members of a sports team work together to achieve the goal of winning within the parameters of the rules of the game. A basketball player who shoots at his opponents’ basket, or a soccer player who runs toward the wrong goal on the field, or a family member who refuses to participate in chores, or a staff member who repeatedly arrives at work late, can all keep their “team” from reaping the rewards of effective teamwork. 

What about you? Are you a cooperative, effective team member? Where could you improve in your efforts at being part of a team? How could you encourage others to be good team members? (Maybe you can start by sharing this article!) If you have comments you’d like to add to this topic, please do so here! (Special thanks to those of you who have been adding excellent comments on this new blog!) 

Effective, cooperative teamwork is an excellent representation of true social understanding! 

Best wishes to all of our teammates in The Gray Center Social Understanding Network (SUN)! 

Laurel Hoekman, Executive DirectorThe Gray Center for Social Learning and Understandinglaurel@thegraycenter.org  

P.S. Be sure to check out the NEW titles in our online bookstore at www.thegraycenter.org/shop! If you have other titles you’d like us to consider adding, please send those to me at laurel@thegraycenter.org.