Gray Center SUN News

Once I spoke to a group of middle school students about social understanding. I asked for a volunteer who was “very athletic.” Everyone pointed at a brawny young man, who came willingly to the front of the room to aid in my demonstration. I then asked for the “most social” student. Again, the students immediately identified an animated young lady who smiled and skipped to the front of the room to join the class athlete. 

I then handed a rope to the athlete and asked him to demonstrate to the class how to play tug-of-war. He struggled with the rope as he debated how to pull the ends in the same way that teams would do it in competition with one another. Soon his classmates began calling out, “He can’t do it alone! He needs someone else!” I thanked him for his cooperation, and moved on to the class socialite.  

My charge to the young lady was to ignore the presence of her audience, while demonstrating what it means to be social. She looked puzzled by the assignment, while classmates called out, “She can talk to herself!” I asked, “When was the last time you saw someone talking to herself and thought about what a social person she was?” They all laughed. This was followed by further debate and discussion about what it means to be social. I found that while many students can readily identify “social” when they see it, it’s a much more difficult concept to define or to understand. 

As we strive to teach social understanding, we cannot assume that our children or students understand the meaning of being “social,” or the value or need for socialization! 

Recently, I attempted to pry one of my sons away from his secluded reading spot by inviting him to “socialize with the rest of the family.” When he looked at me quizzically, I explained that I wanted him to “be social” for awhile. When that also was met with a blank look, I realized that although I’ve devoted my career to teaching and promoting “social understanding,” my own son didn’t know what the word “social” meant! My other son came to the rescue by defining “social” as “interacting with others,” which we followed with an engaging conversation about the term, accompanied by specific examples.  

Rather than write more about my discussions with both the middle school students and my sons, I have an assignment for you! I’d love to have you post your definitions of “social” and descriptions of what it means to be social, or what “social” looks or feels like HERE on our new SUN News blog. (Click “comments” above any of the posts). I hope that this new interactive opportunity will encourage all of you to network with each other as together we promote social understanding!

If you are a new subscriber to SUN News, you can read back issues at http://www.thegraycenter.org/articles.cfm. You can also forward this message to friends and family who might be interested in learning more about autism and social understanding. 

Thanks for your input!  

Laurel Hoekman, Executive DirectorThe Gray Center for Social Learning and Understandinglaurel@thegraycenter.org  

P.S. Thank you to all of our supporters who have taken a minute to sign up at www.igive.com/graycenter! When you make an online purchase during the first 45 days after signing up, The Gray Center receives a $5 donation in addition to a percentage of your purchase! Your online purchases at over 600 merchants are helping to support our programs and services. Thank you for your support!

Welcome to SUN News—a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network! 

In past issues of the SUN News, I have described the importance of social understanding. I trust that most, if not all of you, share the conviction that social understanding is a vital part of promoting success for individuals with ASD.  

So how do we convey that to our children? Recently I had a discussion with one of my sons which might serve as a helpful model. I used as an illustration a “balance scale;” the kind that has a cup on each side, to which weight is added or taken away to enable the scale to even out in the middle, or to balance. Any changes to the scale (adding or taking away weight from either side), disturbs the balance. To restore the balance, weight needs to be added or taken away from the opposite side.  

I explained to my son that a relationship is much like the balance scale. In a perfect world, every relationship would always be precisely balanced. However, relationships are “organic,” in the sense that they are always growing and changing. In truth, relationships generally struggle to maintain a rather delicate balance, which is frequently and easily upset by unkind or insensitive words, neglectful or hurtful acts, inattention to detail, etc. Very quickly the relationship scale is lopsided. However, in a relationship, particularly one which recognizes the importance of social understanding, the participants work hard to regain balance. Situations can be “repaired” and balance restored through the use of apologies, kind acts or words, a desire to understand what went wrong, and a resolve to try new, more helpful strategies in the future.  

I reminded my son that when he is discouraged by a lopsided relationship, where misunderstanding, sadness, hurt, jealousy, anger, or frustration are present, that this is simply a sign that it is time to rebalance; to choose a strategy to repair the damage and restore balance to the relationship.  

Naturally, this will work better in some relationships than others. In fact, professional intervention may be necessary when a relationship is characterized by one person’s need for power and control. In extreme cases, this may lead to bullying or even abuse, when one person is determined to maintain an unbalanced relationship, to the detriment of the other person. 

But my son and I both appreciated the opportunity to view relationships through a practical and visual illustration which emphasizes the opportunity to continue to work to achieve comfortable balance with other people. Since then, we have used the analogy often to understand and appreciate the changing dynamics in family and peer relationships. We hope you will find this to be helpful, too! 

Laurel A. Hoekman, Executive DirectorThe Gray Center for Social Learning and Understandinglaurel@thegraycenter.org  

P.S. The Gray Center sells many resources that can help in the area of relationships and socialization. “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships,” by Ashley Stanford, deals with the topic of marriage and the presence of Asperger’s Syndrome. “The Hidden Curriculum,” by Brenda Smith Myles, helps teach understanding of relationship skills to individuals with ASD. “Comic Strip Conversations,” by Carol Gray, enables those with ASD to see the relationship “scale” more accurately and vividly as they evaluate conversations or situations which they’ve encountered. Many of the resources by Michelle Garcia Winner help individuals see how their words or actions affect those around them, as do those by Kari Dunn Buron. Linda Hodgdon’s “Visual Strategies” book will enable parents and professionals to incorporate other practical strategies at home and in school. For help with bullying (and preventing bullying), we recommend “No Fishing Allowed” and “Gray’s Guide to Bullying” by Carol Gray, and “Being Bullied” (DVD) by Nick Dubin. For these and many more relevant resources, go to www.thegraycenter.org/shop!

Welcome to SUN News—a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network! What is a goal? To define this term, dictionaries employ words such as aim, end, terminal point, and finish line. The meaning is clear; a goal is a place or thing that we someday hope to achieve, or something that we’re working toward. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or administrator, a teen or older person, you likely have goals in mind, whether or not they have been specifically stated. Sample goals may include:
-Getting or changing a job
-Developing a new (or improving a current) relationship
-Learning a new skill
-Finding a new hobby (or finding time to indulge in a current hobby)
-Improving in a given area or skill

Unfortunately, many people are likely to find that their goal remains elusive. It appears much like a distant finish line that gets moved farther away as they run toward it. Why does this happen? Have you ever dreamed of traveling to someplace special? Maybe you’ve hoped to tour another city, or fly to another part of the world. Are you still dreaming, even after years of thinking about this trip? There may be practical reasons for not reaching this goal. Lack of finances, busy schedules, fear of flying, or an inability to get motivated may be to blame. Yet the truth is, the trip will never happen unless you take specific steps toward making it a reality. If you don’t get accurate maps, make specific travel arrangements, secure lodging, and set aside time in your calendar, you will never take this long-awaited trip.

Our goals, like a fantasy trip, often are unattained because we do not set specific steps to lead us there. Are you hoping to get a new job? Where have you looked? Who have you talked to? What training have you pursued? Have you written or updated your resume? Have you practiced for an interview? Like a well-planned trip, the steps toward achieving a goal need to be detailed and specific. We call that an “action plan.” Of course, it helps to check first to be sure that your goal is realistic. Doing research, or talking to people who know you well, can help to determine whether your goal is attainable. These same people can help hold you accountable as you work through the action plan toward your goal! You will also need a timeline. Specifying targeted dates for completion of each action step will likely lead you more quickly and predictably toward your goal. Lastly, be sure that your action steps describe in detail what you WILL do, not what you WON’T do. Simply declaring that you “won’t gain weight” or “won’t lose your job” doesn’t help you take necessary steps toward maintaining a healthy lifestyle or becoming indispensable at your place of employment.If your goal is to learn a new skill, you will need to do research so that you know what’s required to be successful.

Mapping each of the necessary action steps becomes your roadmap to achieving your goal. This may include talking to experts, checking online, reading books, gathering necessary supplies, and enduring lots of practice. You shouldn’t expect to be good at the new skill the first time you try it. Instead, it may take numerous attempts, some failures along the way, and a commitment to sticking with it until you are successful.I guess that’s pretty much a recipe for success for any goal we hope to achieve! Confucius (an ancient Chinese philosopher) apparently once wrote, “When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.” When we encounter a roadblock while traveling to a destination, we don’t generally change our destination, we take a detour. In other words, we develop a new action plan to enable us to get to our destination. If you’ve set a realistic goal but seem unable to achieve it, take a look at the steps you’re following to get there. They may need to be changed or adjusted!

Is there a point to setting and working toward achieving goals? Well, as Lawrence J. Peter once said, “If you don’t know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else.” That “somewhere else” may be a place (or situation) that’s much less desirable than your goal. Motivational speaker Zig Ziglar has also said, “I don’t care how much power, brilliance or energy you have, if you don’t harness it and focus it on a specific target, and hold it there, you’re never going to accomplish as much as your ability warrants.” 

We wish you all well as you work to define your goals and develop appropriate action plans to enable you to experience success! For help in these areas, consider the resources by Michelle Garcia Winner, Jeanette McAfee, Brenda Smith Myles, Pamela Lewis, Carol Gray, and Kari Dunn Buron. These (and many more) are all available through our online bookstore at www.thegraycenter.org, or in our lending library in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Incidentally, the above information can be shared with your adolescents or older students to help them gain an understanding of how to set and achieve goals. It can be a valuable process for people of all ages!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

Laurel@thegraycenter.org

Food for thought: In the interest of maintaining a healthy balance in life–and keeping things in perspective–here’s one more thought- provoking quote: Establishing goals is all right if you don’t let them deprive you of interesting detours (Doug Larson). Enjoy the trip!

I began writing the Gray Center SUN News for the Social Understanding Network in October, 2006. Since then, almost 4000 people have signed on to receive my weekly e-mail. Here’s an opportunity for you to interact with each other following each new issue of the SUN News! Thanks for your help in promoting social understanding on behalf of individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) and those who interact with them. You can find out more about The Gray Center at www.thegraycenter.org. Please feel free to add comments to each of the articles. This is a great way to share your ideas with others, creating a true “network” of parents, professionals, and individuals with autism spectrum disorders working together to promote social understanding!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding