This site is moving! The Gray Center SUN News is now known as “Social Incites” by Laurel A. Falvo. You can access new articles at http://socialincites.com, or subscribe to receive this free weekly resource by email at http://eepurl.com/ekqF.
Five years ago, I began writing “The Gray Center SUN News” as a means of communicating with the thousands of people around the world who comprise the Gray Center’s “Social Understanding Network.” (See www.thegraycenter.org for more information). Yet the name of this weekly resource hasn’t adequately described the content it contains, nor does it convey my intent in writing it each week.
The new name, “Social Incites,” attempts to better communicate how the socialization insights I provide each week are intended to encourage, support, and even provoke you to take the “next step” in growing personally and interpersonally. Some of you find that these weekly articles help you address your own needs and cultivate and celebrate your personal strengths. Others are using them to more effectively reach out to others in your home or community; to assist them in achieving social success.
Together, we can use these “Social Incites” to build and maintain effective social connections around the world. That’s my personal mission, and the mission of The Gray Center. And by reading this resource, you’re indicating that it’s your mission, too!
I look forward to continuing to connect with you each week, and hope that you will take the “next step” today, whether it’s sending the link to this page to someone who might benefit from this resource, “liking” The Gray Center on Facebook, emailing me to let me know what you think of this resource, making a donation to our nonprofit organization, or tackling the next item on your “to-do list.”
Stepping forward with you,
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. If you’d like to receive these articles about autism and/or social understanding in your email inbox, simply subscribe here.
This month marks the five-year anniversary of The SUN News! I named it for our Gray Center “Social Understanding Network.” Every person receiving The SUN News is a valued member of this network of individuals working around the world to promote social understanding and effective social connections.
This weekly article has evolved over the years from a way to alert you to things happening at The Gray Center, to a collection of information, ideas, and suggestions that I believe will increase your understanding and help you to be more effective in your interactions with others. Sometimes you might learn something you didn’t know before. Sometimes you might find a new resource that will be helpful in your work. Sometimes you might see something in a different way than you have before. And sometimes you might simply be affirmed in your current understanding, and encouraged to keep working at whatever you are doing to positively impact your own life and the lives of others in your own community.
I am extremely honored that you are willing to let me connect with you each week. Your time is valuable, and I am committed to providing a resource which is worthy of your attention. Your emails of thanks and encouragement have often sustained me and inspired me through times of “writer’s block” and self-doubt. I’m always humbled to know when you’ve felt one of my articles deserved to be forwarded to someone else, or reprinted in another venue.
Now that five years have passed, it seems to be a good time to make some changes that better reflect the reasons you keep receiving, reading, and forwarding this resource. I’m excited to provide more information next week!
To thank you for your continued support, we are giving all SUN News readers a special coupon code which is valid today and tomorrow at www.thegraycenter.org. Save 25% on your entire order (including DVDs, books, CDs, and even a variety of FIDGETS, which are new to The Gray Center!) Simply enter coupon code SUN25 at checkout. (You can pay with credit card, PayPal, or purchase order).
Thank you again for subscribing to The SUN News, and for the work you do to partner with The Gray Center around the world!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
As we near the end of 2011, we hope you’ll consider making a year-end donation to The Gray Center to help us end our year strong. If you’ve benefited from The SUN News, our web site, bookstore, library, phone or email support, coaching/consulting services, Growth Groups, or trainings/presentations, you can help others benefit by giving financially to enable us to continue to provide information and support to those who need it. You can give safely and securely online at www.thegraycenter.org/shop.
I’ll be the first to admit that it would be nice if my children obliged immediately every time I made a request. I would love to have them come to the dinner table without objecting that they’re having too much fun playing with a friend, or go to bed nicely without insisting that they still have homework that needs to be completed (or that their classmates don’t go to bed that early), or refrain from purchasing an item when I explain that it’s too expensive or that they’re not likely to use it longer than the five minutes it takes to drive home from the store. I do my best to be a good parent, and to teach them to respect my authority and to do what’s expected of them in a timely and orderly way. But while it’s tempting to train them to follow my instructions without discussion or complaint (and in fact, there certainly is a time and a place for that), I have come to the conclusion that I am sometimes thankful for the objections they raise.
You see, I want my children to think about what’s being asked of them. I want them to make connections to what their friends are doing, consider other obligations that they’re facing, and give voice to their feelings and preferences. I want to give them opportunities to occasionally influence my decisions, or to hear me explain how their objections might appear to me or to others, and the effect that this has on the outcome of the situation (i.e. the consequences that they face). These are learning opportunities, and their objections and discussions give evidence that they are engaging in important thinking processes.
I’ve spent the last few weeks considering the variety of prompts that enter my world, seemingly attempting to get me to comply without questioning the validity of the request or the potential outcome. I receive emails telling me to open an attachment, click a link, download new software, send personal information, or forward the email to all of my friends. My ability to think through the request and consider the consequences has helped to protect my computer , my personal information, and my friendships. My navigational GPS tells me, “NOW, turn left.” My ability to consider the fact that the light is currently red, or another car or a pedestrian is in the way, has protected my personal safety and that of my family and others on the road at the same time as me. Mail insisting that I open a new checking account or credit card has been shredded and disposed of, given that I know I don’t need to comply with their instructions when I don’t need a new checking account or credit card.
There is great value in learning to question validity or reasons for requests, and to consider potential outcomes. If the result of this type of valuable thinking is that I spend more time giving my children reminders, or providing more information about my instructions and the reasons for them (or helping my children to better understand their options and the consequences of each), then I consider that time well spent. I am aware that if my focus is simply to get them to comply with my commands, they are more likely to comply with outside commands such as those I’ve detailed here, or even the instructions of potential bullies or others who would take advantage of them. (Go to www.thegraycenter.org for helpful resources on bullying, as well as the book, “Why Do I Have to?”—a great resource for kids who are trying to understand the requirements and directions that they face each day).
There are times when following prompts ensures the safety of our children and students. And of course, it is also important to teach them respect and obedience. However, when immediate safety is not at stake, and when we are building in opportunities for them to learn respect and obedience, there is tremendous value in giving them the opportunity to learn from the process of questioning, challenging, and predicting.
Best wishes as you guide your children and students through this process. I’m right there with you, learning as I go, but what an exciting and worthwhile journey it is!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
It’s a difficult, uncomfortable topic to address, yet the cost of avoiding it is devastating; statistics show that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18. I don’t know statistics for the occurrence of sexual abuse in children with autism, yet their characteristic difficulty reading social cues, understanding intent, and communicating effectively with others makes them a very vulnerable target. Here is a great web site with perspectives related to autism and sexual abuse: http://www.williamstillman.com/archive/Sexual_Victimization.html
While the facts are staggering and disturbing, the reality is that every one of us can contribute to the solution to this problem! Deliberate choices can help create an environment where child sexual abuse cannot happen. These include:
1. Educate yourself about the problem. It’s important to know who the perpetrators are (they’re not typically “strangers,” but are often trusted family members or friends), how the problem occurs (often in one-adult/one-child situations), and the signs and symptoms that a child has been abused (often there’s a change in behavior, emotional regulation, health, toileting habits, etc.) I encourage you to spend a few minutes at the Darkness to Light web site at http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6143427/k.38C5/Child_Sexual_Abuse_Statistics.htm.
2. Be aware of your surroundings, and let others know that you are informed and deliberate about preventing child sexual abuse. Do you work with children? Do you have—and adhere to—a child safety policy? Do you make sure that people working with your child follow procedures that will ensure the safety of the children in their care? Do you avoid—and help others avoid—situations where a child is left alone with an adult? Do you know the parents and siblings of the children whose homes are open to your child? Do you know who’s at that home when your child is there?
3. Be one of the fewer than 30% of parents who talk to your children about the importance of making choices that will keep them safe. Tell children, “Secrets can be dangerous. It’s best not to keep secrets from adults.” Teach them about their bodies (the information about writing Social Stories™ about personal space on our web site at http://thegraycenter.org/social-stories/how-to-write-social-stories may help), and that it’s not okay for anyone (even trusted parents, friends, teachers, or siblings) to talk to them or touch them in a sexual way. Teach them not to give out personal information over the Internet, and check up on them through deliberate monitoring (see http://thegraycenter.org/bookstore?page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage.tpl&product_id=289&category_id=24 for more assistance).
4. Make yourself available to children, interacting appropriately and safely, watching for signs of problems, listening carefully, and letting them know you respect and believe them when concerns are raised. And know who to contact if you believe that a child—yours or someone else’s—is being or has been abused.
Special thanks to the Autism Society of West Shore (www.asws.org) for making the “Darkness to Light” workshop available to our West Michigan community this past week. I became better informed as a result, and am committed to doing my part to make my home, The Gray Center, and my community a safe place for the children entrusted to our care.
I hope you’ll join me in deliberately protecting our children!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org
P.S. If you have a heart for children who have been abused and neglected, and a few extra hours per week, you might want to do what I’ve recently done—become a CASA volunteer (Court Appointed Special Advocate). More information is available at http://www.casaforchildren.org. Although this program is specific to The United States, readers in other parts of the world may have additional ways of supporting and advocating for children in your community.
My husband is a storyteller. My kids and I enjoy listening to his various tales, including those from his “School Daze” series relating some of his school memories ranging from mundane, to funny, to tragic, to thought-provoking. When he shares his stories with us, our friends and family, or audiences at storytelling events, these stories usually spark additional stories from those who are listening, as people make connections with their own experiences.
Sharing our stories is more than a fun way to pass time or a form of entertainment. It’s a valuable form of connection with others. I believe there’s a danger in not sharing our stories! Often people feel isolated. Either we don’t believe we have time to connect with others in meaningful ways, or we don’t know how. We might feel as though we are the only ones who struggle with loneliness, depression, feelings of inadequacy, etc., or we might hesitate to share our feelings of elation and hope, wondering if others care, or can identify with those.
At the end of this article I’ve included several quotes which illustrate the value of deliberately sharing our stories with others. I have stories to tell. You have stories to tell. Our children, students, parents, neighbors, bosses, patients, doctors, custodians, etc. have stories to tell. And we can all benefit from the sharing of those stories!
I hope you’ll take time this week, and in the weeks and months ahead, to open up to others to share stories of things you’ve accomplished, funny things that have happened to you, difficulties you’ve encountered, a strategy that’s worked well, lessons you’ve learned, connections you’ve made, a person who’s impacted your life in a positive way, how you’ve come to terms with a diagnosis, etc. If it’s something you think other SUN News readers would enjoy, please send it to me so that I can consider sharing it in the future. (If you’d like to send it to me but not have it shared with others, simply indicate that.) I’ll look forward to reading whatever you send!
Best wishes as you deliberately share your stories with others, using them to form valuable connections, to be less lonesome, to sense the continuity of life’s experiences, to influence behavior, and shape our culture. And don’t forget to listen as others share their stories with you!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
STORYTELLING QUOTES:
We are lonesome animals. We spend all of our life trying to be less lonesome. One of our ancient methods is to tell a story begging the listener to say-and to feel- ‘Yes, that is the way it is, or at least that is the way I feel it.’ You’re not as alone as you thought. —John Steinbeck
We are the first generation bombarded with so many stories from so many authorities, none of which are our own. The parable of the postmodern mind is the person surrounded by a media center: three television screens in front of them giving three sets of stories; fax machines bringing in other stories; newspapers providing still more stories. In a sense, we are saturated with stories; we’re saturated with points of view. But the effect of being bombarded with all of these points of view is that we don’t have a point of view and we don’t have a story. We lose the continuity of our experiences; we become people who are written on from the outside. —Sam Keen
Many people don’t realize the extent to which stories influence our behavior and even shape our culture. Think about how Bible stories teach the fundamentals of religion and rules of conduct. Think of the fables and parables that molded your values. Think of how stories about your national, cultural or family history have shaped your attitudes about yourself and others. —Lawrence Shapiro, in How to Raise a Child With a High EQ: A Parents’ Guide to Emotional Intelligence
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity —Gilda Radner
“Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.” I like the truth expressed in this quote by John Maxwell. We have so little control over the people, situations, places, and circumstances of our lives. Each day we spend much of our time responding to things people say and do, needs that arise, unexpected changes, and our own emotions, thoughts, and ideas. Often we respond without even thinking—our “authentic responses” come from our individual context, and often work well. Other times, we need to be more deliberate in how we respond, using specific strategies to take into account others people’s perceptions, expectations, and needs, or considering alternate responses that will be more effective for ourselves and those with whom we’re interacting.
Viktor E. Frankl has said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” How do we do that? What strategies do we use to respond deliberately so that we continue to grow and experience success? How can we teach our children and students to be more deliberate in their responses so that we can all experience more social success?
There are many resources (including books and DVDs) available to help. Social Stories™, The Social Response Pyramid™, Social Behavior Mapping™, The Incredible 5-Point Scale, sensory integration strategies, etc. can help us meet and/or articulate our immediate needs, stay calm, see things from another person’s perspective, identify the choices available to us, control our impulses, choose a response that’s likely to be effective, evaluate whether or not our response worked for ourselves and others, and know how to “fix” an interaction that’s been harmed by an ineffective response, hopefully learning from the experience along the way.
If you’re interested in learning more about “socially effective responses” and how to be more deliberate in our own responses and in teaching your children and students how to do the same, I’ve compiled several pages of additional information, suggested resources, and various worksheets that I have developed and use with my clients. These are now available for purchase as a pdf download at http://thegraycenter.org/bookstore?page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage.tpl&product_id=290&category_id=24
Best wishes as you respond deliberately to the people and situations you encounter today, and as you guide others toward social effectiveness and success!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. As a small nonprofit organization, The Gray Center can only provide valuable information and support through your generous donations and purchases. Thank you for considering our needs as you participate in United Way campaigns (simply designate your gift for The Gray Center, EIN 38-3445784), as you surf online using gateway www.iGive.com/graycenter, as you donate quickly and safely online at www.thegraycenter.org, and as you purchase the books, DVDs, CDs, and pdf downloads that we make available for your benefit.
Almost a year ago I published an article in The SUN News entitled, “Electronic Obsessions.” It generated many comments from readers who either stated that they, too, are very deliberate in limiting the use of electronics in their home, or the familiar refrain, “You don’t know my child…I can’t take away the thing he/she likes best,” or “You don’t understand…my child NEEDS this!”
My husband recently took a sailboat adventure with our son and two of his friends. They sailed to an island to do some exploring of archaeological ruins, biking, hiking, and spending time on a beautiful beach. Unfortunately, the two friends missed most of the adventure, choosing instead to immerse themselves in their electronic equipment, listening to music, playing games, sending text messages, and posting status updates on social media sites. Their obsession with these items not only eliminated any opportunity for them to enjoy the beautiful surroundings and weather, but also negatively impacted the socialization with my son (who did not have any of these items and was not able to participate in the gaming or listening to music, and would have preferred to talk with them or engage in other ways). The friends disliked anything that took them away from their electronics, which caused them to be disrespectful and less than helpful when my husband expected them to go for a walk or bike ride, help prepare meals, or pick up after themselves.
This experience highlighted the need for a greater awareness of the purpose of electronics, healthy guidelines for their use, and the drastic impact that misuse can have on an individual’s ability to grow and to connect effectively with others. When my son came home, my husband and I instituted “electronic contracts” that we developed with our kids (rather than simply handing them rules to follow) to provide healthy boundaries for the use of phones, social media, television, video games, and computers/Internet. Those contracts are now available (with the original SUN News article) as a 14-page downloadable document so that you can see this resource, learn from it, adapt it, and use it at home with your children and teens. (You can purchase this downloadable pdf document at http://thegraycenter.org/bookstore?page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage.tpl&product_id=289&category_id=24)
The week after the sailboat adventure, I had the privilege of hearing a great presentation on “Teen Trends.” I asked if we’re raising a generation that will eventually be conducting their “social connections” behind an electronic device, and if this and future generations will be greatly lacking in social skills whether or not they have a diagnosis such as autism. The presenter, who has worked with teens his entire career, and carefully watches the latest trends through documented research, said he believes the only thing that will keep this from happening is if parents begin setting limits and teaching the necessary skills to deliberately equip their children for better social connections.
There’s the “wake-up call”—hopefully together we can keep working at promoting social understanding and social effectiveness even as we face temptations and challenges from the electronic and technological advances that are all around us!
Laurel A. Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. I have other instructional guides available from The Gray Center to support you as you teach concepts such as hygiene, judging intent, independent living skills, and voice volume. You can find all of these downloadable instructional guides—including a NEW Social Response Pyramid™ discussion template– at http://thegraycenter.org/bookstore?page=shop.browse&category_id=24.
