Gray Center SUN News

Last fall, our local newspaper (The Grand Rapids Press) ran an interesting article from the “Los Angeles Times” entitled, “Researchers take high view of idle chatter.” The article cited research from the University of Michigan which showed that increased social contact aided mental function. Solitary intellectual exercises, including crossword puzzles and Sudoku led to the same benefits as the same amount of time spent in “small talk” (in person or on the phone) with others. Perhaps not surprisingly, people who spent that amount of time watching TV (i.e. solitary activities without the intellectual component) did not display the boost in intellectual performance.

I suppose the good news is that those of us who thrive on chatting with others, whether we’re discussing our families, the weather, the current political scene, favorite new recipes, or sports, can claim to do it for the benefits to our mental function. The bad news is that for many people, “small talk” is not an easy pursuit. This is often especially true for individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), who may enjoy talking about a topic of special interest, but may struggle with the superficial, mundane, or the “back and forth” reciprocal and fast-paced nature of small talk.

We know that we can help them understand both the benefits and the mechanics of small talk. Books like “The Hidden Curriculum” can help parents and professionals better understand the difficulties experienced by those with ASD, and resources by Michelle Garcia Winner and Jeanette McAfee, as well as the books, “Good Friends Are Hard to Find,” and “How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends” and the children’s music CD, “My Turn, Your Turn,” can teach and reinforce this valuable skill. (These and many other fabulous resources can be seen at www.thegraycenter.org).

When individuals need a break from the highly social nature of small talk or more in-depth conversations with others, they can benefit from solitary intellectual exercises, also. The research shows the value of their alone time, provided that is balanced with other areas in their lives.

So, next time you’re either enjoying or being bothered by questions about how you spent your weekend, remember that you’ll emerge from the conversation with your mental functioning enhanced!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

P.S. To make room for NEW titles, which we’ll be adding soon to our bookstore at www.thegraycenter.org, we need to reduce our inventory! Check out the SALE category in our online store, but order soon, since many of the titles will no longer be available in our store once they’re gone! Then check back soon to view the new titles we’ll begin carrying!

Those of you who play organized sports know the importance of being a good team member. Even those who do not spend time on an athletic field can learn a lot about life from the basic tenets of team sports.

Whether we are a member of a family, a class, a staff, a congregation, a neighborhood, or any other group, we need to be good team members. Here are some of the important criteria:

1. Play by the rules. No one fits well with a team if he or she is playing by his or her own rules, or makes up rules as they go. Others have expectations for us, whether we’re doing household chores, completing a homework assignment, working on a group project, sitting through a classroom lecture, sharing an office, or listening to music in our own room while others are in the house. Some “teams” have written rules, others have spoken or unspoken rules. It’s our responsibility to know the rules and to consider how our ability and desire to hold ourselves accountable to those rules affects others on our team. Rules help everyone work toward –and achieve–a common goal!

2. Share the spotlight. It can be tempting to take the credit when something goes well, or to pass along the blame when it doesn’t. However, other members of our team are eager to hear some praise from us, and to receive apologies when needed. Good team members share the joys and responsibilities of life with those around them.

3. Know your purpose. In sports, a person needs to know what position he or she plays, and the purpose of his or her role, as well as the goal of the activity. In life, we need to know our own strengths, responsibilities, and purpose to ensure that our jobs are getting done, our relationships are being maintained, and our personal health and integrity are enhanced. Just like athletics, the whole team benefits when each team member is performing his or her tasks to the best of their ability.

4. Be willing to be benched. Whether at the will of a coach, or by the rules of the game, an athlete is occasionally sent out of the field or court while his or her teammates take over. In life, whether we’re taking turns or compromising with others, learning to accept constructive criticism, being “benched” by illness or injury, being laid off due to the economy or an incompatibility between our abilities and the needs of others, we all occasionally are required to sit on the sidelines rather than being in the middle of the action. Patience, perseverance, and a willingness to continue to cheer on our “teammates” are valuable attributes at these times! We can also use these times on the sidelines constructively, as a time to rest, reflect, and learn.

5. Focus on responsibility rather than entitlement. Even if you’re the parent, the boss, or the manager, a good team member pitches in when there’s work to be done. This means taking out the trash, picking up dirty laundry, and attending to the needs of those around us. Power and prestige mean so much more when they’re accompanied by the respect of those who work alongside and support us. This is often achieved by a grateful and giving attitude toward others, regardless of our position.

Some people seem to pick up on life’s team rules rather intuitively. Others may need specific instruction (and frequent reminders). Fortunately for them, there are some excellent resources that can help! Individuals working with younger children can make use of the beautiful children’s books written by Cheri Meiners. Titles include, “Join in and Play,” “Listen and Learn,” and “Share and Take Turns,” among others. A great resource for parents and teachers of younger children is “Achieving Best Behavior,” by Pamela Lewis. Other resources that can be helpful regardless of your target audience are those by Michelle Garcia Winner, Jeanette McAfee, Brenda Smith Myles, Kari Dunn Buron, and Carol Gray. All of these resources, and many more, can be found at www.thegraycenter.org. (You can use the search feature to find specific books or DVDs).

Are you a good team member? I’d like to challenge each of us to reflect on our own participation on various “teams,” and to take our reflection a step further by asking those around us what we do well, and what we could do better. We can take what we learn, and apply it to a personal “game plan” that enables us to become stellar team members!

Best wishes in your teamwork at home, school, and in the workplace and community!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. Thank you for teaming with us to promote social understanding! Your donations and purchases, as well as your involvement through www.iGive.com are enabling us to continue to provide information and support to those living with autism spectrum disorders (ASD).

 I have recently been inspired by several people, and thought I’d share the inspirations with you!

A couple of weeks ago, we had a delightful group of four local teachers visit our Grand Rapids Gray Center office. They had decided to spend a morning perusing our resources and doing some brainstorming together. They purchased a few resources, and borrowed others from our library. As they were leaving, they mentioned that they planned to each read one resource, and share the results (information, impressions, and ideas) with the rest of the group. What an exciting way to learn new things and to foster teamwork within their staff!

Today I received a phone call from a local church which has decided to donate money to The Gray Center as a way of showing appreciation to their staff members who work with early-childhood and elementary students! They’ve asked that the money be used to provide free resources to families and teachers in our area. This is a fabulous way to honor their staff and ensure that the impact of their work is felt beyond their own congregation. Their gift benefits not only The Gray Center, but also area families and school districts.

We have a very talented young woman helping to staff and organize our new lakeshore office and facilitate our groups. She’s kind, well-organized, quick to learn new skills, eager to develop new programs and ways to promote them, and willing to share her unique insights as a person with Asperger’s Syndrome. Julie has been an inspiration to all of us!

I have a friend I’ve met through email, who is using the Social Response Pyramid(TM) and many other resources far away in Brisbane, Australia. When Lucy and I share ideas through email, I’m reminded of the extensiveness of the work that’s being done to promote social understanding by so many of you all around the world!

April is Autism Awareness month. It’s a great time to be inspired by these people and others who are doing what they can to promote social understanding! If you know of other stories which have inspired you, we’d love to have you post those here.

In honor of such inspirational people, we are offering a special SALE through Saturday at www.thegraycenter.org. You’ll find discounts on most of our “teacher resources,” including books and DVDs by Carol Gray, Linda Hodgdon, Michelle Winner, Nick Dubin, Kari Dunn Buron, Tony Attwood, Brenda Smith Myles, and more!

One last note—I have recently gained a whole new appreciation for people with knowledge and expertise in the world of computer technology. My computer crashed about two weeks ago, and to date I still have no access to my old email files and contacts. That means that some of you have been waiting for me to respond to an email, but I have no way of contacting you! I hope you’ll try again, and please be patient with me as I struggle to get back to my preferred level of functioning at my new computer!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

Several weeks ago, I wrote about my age-related declining eyesight. With increased maturity, experience, and hopefully wisdom, has come one other noticeable side effect of getting older: increasing forgetfulness! More often I find myself forgetting a name or a thought, finding myself frustrated with the feeling that it’s “on the tip of my tongue,” although I’m unable to retrieve it. I lose small items, and need to think more deliberately (and keep an eye on my calendar) to know what’s on my schedule for the rest of the day, as well as the week ahead.

I know that many of the 8000 people reading this email can identify with my frustration, especially if you are nearing the “Big 4-0″ (as I am), or have already passed that milestone. We’ve become conditioned to expect forgetfulness as we get older.

Recently, however, I read an encouraging article which pointed out that rather than attributing our forgetfulness immediately to old age, or even fearing the onset of Alzheimer’s or some other neurological degeneration, we should look at our lifestyle and realize the role that it plays in our ability (or inability) to remember things. It’s true that as we age, we begin to lose brain cells. However, our brains are also required to compile information which increases exponentially as we get older. Dates, phone numbers, schedules, memories, statistics, work-related jargon and responsibilities, and the need to juggle personal and work lives in a busy, fast-paced culture can clog even the most efficient brains, much like rush-hour traffic ties up highways around major cities. As a working single mom to three young children, I know that the demands of everyday life are likely utilizing maximum available brain cells at this point in my life!

There are strategies we can employ in order to aid our working memory. Following are just a few; if you’d like to add to the list, you can do so here.

1. Slow down. Take time to think about what you’re doing, to make note of important details (either mentally or by writing them down), and simplify your schedule where possible. This is the single most important step for me if I want to be successful in finding my vehicle when I exit the grocery store!

2. Take time to organize. While it may seem as though you don’t have time to add extra steps to the process, you may actually end up saving time by organizing your drawers, cupboards, and computer bag so that everything has its place. Then take an extra minute to ensure that items are put where they belong so that you can find them next time you need them. Many of you will be organizing (and re-organizing) as part of your “spring cleaning” routine this spring.

3. Take time to meet your other needs. Your brain, just like the rest of your body, will function better when you’re getting enough sleep and exercise, eating healthy foods, nurturing friendships, and occasionally spending time with a hobby or a good book.

4. Establish connections. Have you just met someone new? Associate his or her name with someone else you know, or with a familiar object that will help you remember the name in the future. Use mnemonic devices to remember words, dates, or details. Organize your mental (or written) shopping list according to the sections in the store. Or develop a catchy tune to go with the information you need to remember.

Sometimes I find myself envious of children, whose memories (and lives) are not cluttered with as many experiences and responsibilities as mine, and therefore seem to recall information with lightning speed. I am also aware that individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) have an advantage over me with their usually superior ability to memorize facts and remember details. But while I appreciate and admire their gifts, I am learning to accept my own limitations, and to find ways to help myself adapt as needed. Next week, I’ll write about the things that we would do well to forget, as I explore the important topic of forgiveness.

Best wishes as you continue to promote social understanding, regardless of the efficiency of your memory!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. If you would like to view an example of just how far some minds can surpass others, you’d probably enjoy this online video of Stephen Wiltshire, a young man with ASD: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAfaM_CBvP8. Special thanks to Susan Sloop from Grand Valley State University for alerting me to this fascinating young man’s incredible abilities!

A few weeks ago, I read an Associated Press article about research which indicated that people who give of their time and financial resources report being happier than those who don’t. Although I’ve never personally conducted research on this topic, I have experienced the truth of it first-hand, as I find that I am happier when I give freely of my time, talents, and money. Granted, there are times when I have more to give than others, but having a positive, eager attitude toward giving, regardless of how much I have to give, is perhaps a “secret ingredient” in the recipe for personal happiness.

There are many opportunities to give in honor of Autism Awareness month. It’s a great time to volunteer for an organization that benefits those with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), or perhaps to give of your time and talents as a tutor or respite provider for individuals on the spectrum and their families. The Gray Center occasionally needs help staffing our two offices with parents, grandparents, or other interested people who are willing to sit for a few hours to enable us to fulfill our insurance providers’ stipulation that we have two people in the office when we are open to the public. (It’s a great time to read a book or watch a DVD!) We can also use help with marketing and writing grants, two things you can do whether you live in West Michigan or on the other side of the world. If you’re interested in helping in any of these ways, just email me at laurel@thegraycenter.org. More than likely, there are other schools and organizations in your area which could use your gifts of time and ability, too!

Financial support is also an important means to raising awareness of the strengths and finding solutions to the challenges of those living with ASD. Money that you give to The Gray Center is used to provide support groups for parents, grandparents, siblings, and individuals on the spectrum, as well as social understanding groups for children and adolescents on the spectrum. Many of our groups are provided free of charge, thanks to contributions from generous supporters. Other services that we provide, such as our free phone and email support and our web site at www.thegraycenter.org, are made possible by the purchases that many of you make from our online bookstore. As a nonprofit organization dedicated to providing valuable services at minimal or no cost to those who need them, your tax-deductible contributions are always greatly appreciated! You can give safely and easily at www.thegraycenter.org. You can also get creative by raising funds through a “Wear Jeans to Work Day,” a pop can collection, a bake sale, or some other means, or by conducting your online shopping through www.iGive.com/graycenter so that your online purchases benefit The Gray Center.

One great way to raise awareness of ASD is to give copies of “ASD to Z” to neighbors, family members, medical professionals, childcare providers, and school staff members. We’re offering this booklet at a significantly reduced price for the next few weeks so that you can purchase multiple copies to educate others in your community. The money The Gray Center makes from the sale of this resource goes toward supplying free copies to families and other individuals new to the diagnosis. You can find “ASD to Z” on our web site or in our two offices.

There are many more ways that you can raise awareness of ASD, and support organizations like The Gray Center as we work together to promote social understanding. I’ll send more ideas throughout the month. You may also download a free flyer from our home page at www.thegraycenter.org that you can print and distribute as you see fit. However you choose to contribute to this important endeavor, we thank you for your support, and wish you much happiness!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director

The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. The Gray Center does not charge any membership fees. We provide many of our services free-of-charge, and we do not charge a subscription fee for the SUN News. Would you consider making a donation to enable us to continue to provide these services for you and others who need information and support? Donations in the United States are tax-deductible. You can give quickly and securely at www.thegraycenter.org.

We know that in today’s economy, it can be difficult to make a financial contribution to The Gray Center, even though you support our mission of promoting social understanding. We have an easy way for you to give financially without it costing you anything!

Sound too good to be true? It’s not!

Do you purchase anything online? Items from ebay? Books from booksamillion or Barnes & Noble? Clothing from Aeropostale, American Eagle, JCPenney, Ann Taylor, Boscovs, or Banana Republic? Makeup from Avon, paper products from Current, electronics from Best Buy, Circuit City, or Brookstone, sporting goods from Dunham’s or Cabela’s, airline tickets, lodging, and car rentals.?

Your online purchases can benefit The Gray Center, giving us a percentage of your purchase, without costing you anything extra!

All you need to do is access your desired merchant through the gateway www.iGive.com/graycenter. Almost 700 online merchants are featured, all contributing a portion of sales to The Gray Center every time you make a purchase. Sign up (it only takes a minute), choose a password, and begin shopping! The web site iGive.com will keep track of the amount of money you have earned for The Gray Center, and will send the money to us on a regular basis.

It’s that easy!

We hope you’ll sign up today, and begin using your online purchases to help us provide valuable information and support to those who need it! Then go back to www.iGive.com/graycenter every time you shop online, in order to continue to benefit The Gray Center throughout the days and months ahead.

Thank you for partnering with us in this way!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

P.S. In the last year, you have helped us raise $289.60 through iGive.com. We’d love to double or triple that number this year. Will you help us?

One of my favorite aspects of working for The Gray Center has been meeting people with a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). I find them to be genuine, interesting, honest, and talented. Their perspectives on life are unique, and often their ability to focus on one thing, or to notice minute details puts this “too busy to notice or sit still for long” person to shame.

I know that their challenges are real, and are apparent not only to them, but also to those who live with them and work with them. However, all too often their abilities go unnoticed or under-appreciated, and their contributions to society may be less than they could be if we would do more to enable and encourage them.

Autism Awareness Month is a great time to deliberately reach out to those with ASD to let them know that they are noticed and appreciated for who they are. We can take time to listen as they discuss their interests. We can write a note or Social Story(TM), or create a poster or a scrapbook congratulating them on an achievement, big or small, or letting them know we love them. We can find a way for them to use their gifts in meaningful ways. We can help them learn more about themselves in an effort to develop a healthy self-esteem and self-awareness.

Two people who speak and write very articulately about their experiences as a person on the autism spectrum are Nick Dubin and Sondra Williams. The Gray Center is providing some of their resources at a significant discount this week to enable you to purchase copies for yourself or to pass along to your local library, school district, or nonprofit organization serving your community. You can find those books and DVDs at www.thegraycenter.org. If you’re interested in having Nick or Sondra speak for your group or conference, you can write to christy@thegraycenter.org for more information.

One way to reflect on the positive attributes of Asperger’s Syndrome is to read “The Discovery of Aspie Criteria” on our web site at http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=58. This article by Tony Attwood and Carol Gray takes an appreciative look at the diagnosis as a “discovery” of the many gifts and abilities often associated with Asperger’s Syndrome. Beverly Bishop’s book, “My Friend with Autism,” helps children understand a peer or sibling with ASD. Our web site contains numerous resources for increasing the understanding of parents and professionals, as well as the self-understanding of those with ASD.

I hope you’ll take a moment to reach out to someone with ASD this month! You can also use our SUN News blog here to post a comment praising someone in your life who has been diagnosed with ASD.

And to all of my friends with ASD, thank you for enriching my life and helping me to become more understanding of others!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. It is with great sadness that we say good-bye to Alex Gilpin (son of Wayne Gilpin, President of Future Horizons, Inc.) who passed away on March 30. We are thankful for all that Alex taught us, and for the way that he so quickly accepted us as his friends. Many of us were privileged to hear Alex and his longtime friend, Scott Lambeth, speak at a conference together, including The Gray Center’s 2003 conference in Grand Rapids, Michigan. The Gray Center staff encourages you to remember Scott and the Gilpin family, as well as the extended Future Horizons family, in your thoughts and prayers as they go through the difficult days and weeks ahead.

NOTE:  Please note that our Gray Center office will be closed through next week as our staff spends “spring break” with our families. Our Grand Rapids office will be open for a couple of hours on Wednesday morning, April 9, if you need to speak with someone during the week.

Last week I wrote an article about our tendency to view others’ actions as “inappropriate behavior.” I challenged all of us to consider the antecedents for those behaviors, as well as what people know about their choices and the effects that they have on others around them.

P.S. The month of April begins this week! April is “Autism Awareness Month.” I’ll be sending out extra issues of the SUN News throughout the month to share some ideas with you, as well as notices of sales on our web site. Be sure to watch for those!

Are you often appalled by the “inappropriate behavior” that you witness in school, at home, or out in the community? Do you struggle to teach others how to “behave appropriately?”

I believe that the vocabulary we use to make sense of our social environment affects both our understanding of people and situations, as well as the way we respond to them. That’s why I make a point to learn about the meanings of words–both as defined in a dictionary, as well as contrived through everyday use.

The two words contained in the title of today’s article are prime examples of this. Let’s start with “behavior.” Many dictionary definitions focus on the end result when they define behavior. They employ terms such as, “observable activity, demeanor, manner,” etc. I think that our common usage of the word “behavior” is generally consistent with these ideas. We tend to view others’ actions as isolated, visible activities. If we assign any hint of prior action to it, we typically assign a choice. In other words, we often believe that people “choose” to “behave” a certain way. Of course, we’re more likely to do this with negative behaviors than positive ones, especially with a person who frequently “misbehaves!” The most insightful information I found was from the American Heritage Dictionary, which stated, after giving synonyms for behavior, “These nouns all pertain to a person’s actions as they constitute a means of evaluation by others.” Note that “behavior” as defined in this way, depends very much on the person doing the observing!

The word “appropriate” has a similar twist to it. A common definition for this word contains something like this, “suitable for a particular person or place or condition etc;” Who determines what’s appropriate for a given situation? The implication is that others determine that!

Both words in the title of this article, “Appropriate Behavior,” empower the audience, or “others,” and remove control of the situation from those doing the acting. I believe there’s a better alternative!

Buried in some of the definitions of “behavior” is the word, “reaction.” What this implies is that there’s an antecedent for the behavior; that the observable action is in response to something else. In fact, whether or not an action was based on a conscious choice, a “behavior” is usually a response to input. That’s why I prefer to use the term “response” as opposed to “behavior,” since it reminds us that there’s a lot going on under the surface prior to the “tip of the iceberg” end result that we’re able to observe.

And since the word “appropriate” can leave the judgment of others’ actions completely in the eyes of the beholder, I prefer the term, “effective.” A response either works, or it doesn’t, or in the words of the dictionary, “effective” means, “adequate to accomplish a purpose.” Effective responses lead us toward a goal, whether the goal is getting a job done or interacting successfully with others.

Look how a change in our vocabulary can positively affect the way we interact with others! If Tom refuses to raise his hand in class and frequently interrupts, in spite of frequent admonitions from the teacher, recognizing his actions as a “response” leads us to question what information he might be missing about classroom expectations (and the purpose for those), as well as the effect that his actions has on others. We can also help him to understand how raising his hand to ask a question (or to provide an answer to the teacher’s question) helps him to be more “socially effective,” along with the teacher and the other students in the class. Raising his hand is both a strategy and a response as defined by my “Social Response Pyramid(TM).” Tom’s overall goal is to be socially effective, but in this case, it is more narrowly defined as either getting necessary information, or giving relevant information. His raising his hand “works” (or is effective) in this particular environment given the other people in the room and their expectations for him and the others in that context.

Rather than bemoaning Tom’s “inappropriate behavior” of interrupting throughout the instructional time, we can instead help him to generate a “socially effective response”–one that empowers him as an active participant in the success of everyone in the social context of his classroom.

We are all capable of producing ineffective responses, whether or not they are related to conscious choices. And all of us have done things that could be described as “inappropriate behavior”–if you don’t believe, me, ask your parents (or your children)! Yet I think it can be much more helpful in our work of promoting social understanding to focus on “effective responses” rather than “appropriate behaviors.” (Feel free to comment on this article here. Whether you agree or disagree, your comments and insights are always welcome!) If you’d like more information about the Social Response Pyramid(TM), I’ve posted a new downloadable diagram which you can access for free at http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=84.

Best wishes as you work to produce socially effective responses, and to enable others to do the same!

Laurel Hoekman, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org

P.S. If you’re trying to help children or adolescents work toward more effective responses, you might be interested in the following resources: “How to Handle a Hard to Handle Kid,” “Solving Behavior Problems in Autism,” “How to be Yourself in a World That’s Different,” and “Achieving Best Behavior.” (The latter does a fabulous job of guiding parents and professionals to accurately examine the individual context of the child in order to help them develop more effective responses). All of these resources, and many more, can be found at www.thegraycenter.org.