Green Thumbs Needed
Do you have a “green thumb?” That term refers to someone who knows how to grow plants and help them flourish. Some people have either studied plant care, or just seem to know how to position the plants, water and feed them, and pinch off dead growth to encourage new growth. Plants under their care are healthy and productive.
The Gray Center needs some “green thumbs” to help our organization continue to grow! We’ve just celebrated ten years of service to the local and global communities. People around the world have benefitted from our services, resources, and web site at www.thegraycenter.org. We’re excited about the plans we have for the future, including a new web site which will be unveiled shortly, some new resources including a new Social Story book by Carol Gray, and new services such as social coaching and consulting. We continue to hear that we’re making a difference as we provide information and support to those who are working to promote social understanding with individuals with autism spectrum disorders. But we can’t do it without your help!
As you support The Gray Center with your tax-deductible donations, you can “grow” the following resources:
- “ASD to Z” is a booklet published by The Gray Center in 2005. The Gray Center has distributed more than 14,000 copies, many given free to families new to the diagnosis. Your gift of $5 enables us to mail one copy to someone who needs it. A gift of $1000 will enable us to publish a second companion resource, which will provide more in-depth information and support to parents, grandparents, siblings, professionals, and individuals with ASD.
- Young Adult Network: We have just added a second location for our young adult network. We have a fabulous group of over 20 people with ASD, ages 16 and older, who participate regularly. Many feel that they have nowhere else to receive this type of social interaction and instruction. Your gift of $100 enables one young adult to attend meetings and social events for a year, to form friendships, and to learn and practice valuable social skills. A gift of $3600 will enable The Gray Center to lease additional space for the next year, to provide a special place (with games, technology, and comfortable seating) for the young adults to gather on a regular basis.
- Social Coaching and Consulting: Many people need one-on-one assistance to get “unstuck” as they parent a child with ASD, or work to interact more effectively with others. Although The Gray Center has priced these sessions to simply cover our expenses, the economy has made it difficult for some to access this valuable service. Your gift of $100 will provide four months of on-going individual support for someone who desperately needs it.
- Our web site at www.thegraycenter.org is going to be redone this weekend, thanks to the generous support of GiveCamp and dedicated volunteers. Your financial contributions will allow us to make additional changes in the upcoming months to ensure that this resource can provide you with the information you need in order to continue to promote social understanding in your area of the world.
We’re excited about the growth The Gray Center has experienced during our first ten years of service to the local and global communities. We know that with your continued support, we will grow and flourish in the months and years ahead. Please consider making an online donation at www.thegraycenter.org, or mailing a check to The Gray Center, 100 Pine Street Suite 121, Zeeland, MI 49464.
Your holiday on-line shopping can also benefit The Gray Center at no additional expense to you by logging on through www.iGive.com/graycenter before you shop. And as always, your purchases at www.thegraycenter.org provide the necessary revenue for The Gray Center to continue to be a source of information and support around the world. Thank you!
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. We hope you’ll join us for tonight’s “Proactive Parenting” meeting at The Gray Center in Zeeland (7:00-8:30 p.m.). Go to www.thegraycenter.org for more information.
Characteristics of Autism: Social Participation
Filed under: Relationships, Social Response Pyramid(TM), Social Understanding, autism |
Leave a Comment Welcome to The SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
For the last few weeks The SUN News has been looking at the variety of factors that lead to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) when they occur together. In the last few weeks, we’ve covered language and communication differences, behaviors/interests/imagination, and sensory integration. This week, we’re looking at the category of social participation. These SUN News articles do not attempt to fully detail the differences present with a diagnosis of autism, but explain the implications of each area as they relate to interactions with people with ASD.
The differences or delays that are typically identified as being in the social participation area include:
- Initiating and/or sustaining a social interaction
- Turn-taking (reciprocal relationships), whether in activities or conversations
- Adherence to own rituals, rules, and routines (this was also discussed previously)
- Difficulty noticing, understanding, or responding effectively to unwritten social rules
- Emotional regulation, and understanding of emotions in others (and responding effectively)
- Theory of Mind (understanding that others have their own ideas, feelings, interests, etc. and using that information to guide interactions with others)
- Peer to peer relationships (often individuals with ASD have an easier time interacting with people much younger or older than they are, especially during childhood and adolescence)
ASD is often referred to as a “social disability.” Each of the categories described in the last few weeks has social implications. In fact, usually none of the areas considered “diagnostic criteria” are problems for a person with ASD unless he or she is part of a “social context!” For example, “stimming” (hand-flapping, rocking, flicking fingers in front of one’s face) generally occurs when an individual is responding “authentically” to his or her own context. It typically is perceived as necessary and/or comforting. However, when the individual is in school with classmates, or in a crowded restaurant with other diners, suddenly that response doesn’t work with the people around him or her, and the message is conveyed that he or she should stop, replace the response with something that works better with others, or go away for awhile. If a person with ASD is alone, none of the criteria listed above are issues. It’s only when other people, with their own expectations, experiences, feelings, etc. (or their individual contexts, as described in my Social Response Pyramid) are interacting with people with ASD that their differences cause difficulties for each person in the interaction.
What this means is that we cannot simply point to people with ASD as the cause of breakdowns in communication or other social interactions. The rest of us are both part of the problem, and part of the solution! We can continue to ensure that we understand ourselves and how we contribute (either positively or negatively) to any given interaction, and help individuals with ASD do the same. Nick Dubin, author of “Breaking Through Hidden Barriers,” and a young man with Asperger’s, once told me that he is capable of feeling empathy, but on his own, doesn’t always recognize what others are feeling in order to identify with them. Nick Dubin’s books and DVDs, and numerous other resources are available at www.thegraycenter.org to help promote social understanding. Social coaching (a new service provided through The Gray Center) can also help individuals who are interested in becoming more socially effective.
Best wishes as you continue to participate in social interactions with people with ASD—and to help everyone experience and enjoy social success!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
Proactive Parents
Comments (4)Welcome to a special edition of the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network! I’m writing this in response to the many requests I get for support for parents—note that at the end of this article, there’s information about an upcoming parent meeting in Zeeland, MI.
My husband and I try to be proactive parents! Although our children sometimes complain, they would tell you that they do not dislike us for it; in fact, during moments of honest reflection, they would likely tell you that it has earned us their respect.
What is a proactive parent?
A proactive parent wants what’s best for her children, but recognizes that sometimes they have to earn it, go without it, or lose it before they also value it.
A proactive parent allows his children to sometimes falter, fail, and fall, knowing that failure will teach them more about succeeding than his constant rescues ever could.
A proactive parent clearly spells out reasonable but high expectations, and holds firm (without giving in or back-tracking) until her children achieve them. Her children learn that their own good choices generally lead to good consequences, and their bad choices often lead to unpleasant consequences, because she consistently allows them to experience this. Although they like to blame their proactive parent for the consequences that they dislike (and all too infrequently thank her for the good ones), they eventually learn that they can receive more frequent rewards by making more good choices—and they try to take responsibility for their bad choices.
A proactive parent is gentle but firm, flexible yet consistent, empathetic but unwavering. He recognizes and respects where his rights and responsibilities end and where his children’s begin…and through his expectations and responses, teaches his children to do the same.
A proactive parent is willing to forgo present thanks and pleasure for future rewards. She recognizes that today’s trials lead to tomorrow’s triumphs, both for herself and her children.
A proactive parent knows that his children’s verbal, emotional, and physical resistance to his “no” will eventually go away when they’re ready to move on to the next request. And then he will feel stronger for holding firm, and his children, like steel refined by fire, or a tree strengthened by the wind, will also be stronger.
Proactive parents know that neither they nor their children are perfect, and while their standards are high, through unconditional love and acceptance, they create a physically and emotionally safe environment in which their children can experience both failure and success.
They may sometimes doubt their effectiveness as parents, feel guilty for being “tough” on their children, dislike the children’s sometimes hurtful responses, feel isolated and alone, and grow weary from adhering to high standards. Yet they believe that “tough love,” although it isn’t always “warm and fuzzy love,” builds character and enables people to interact more effectively with others.
Thankfully, most proactive parents catch glimpses of greatness as they go about the work of parenting. Just as she might enjoy a gleaming floor after spending hours on her hands and knees scrubbing and polishing, or catching her reflection in a window that she has worked hard to clean, a proactive parent begins to see that her efforts are reaping rewards. As his children exhibit honesty, kindness, respect, responsibility, integrity, good work ethics, forgiveness, and flexibility, he sees that they, too, are on their way toward being proactive parents —or teachers, therapists, and friends–who hold themselves and others accountable while also being kind and supportive.
Are you a “proactive parent?” Do you wish you could be? I think we need to be more deliberate in supporting parents, teachers, counselors, and others in their work of promoting social effectiveness through the types of expectations and natural consequences that I detailed in this article. In fact, I am not able to be a proactive parent alone! My husband is a huge support as he patiently provides love, encouragement, and instruction to our children and to me. We work with our children’s teachers to ensure that we all have similar expectations both at home and at school, as we teach responsibility and hold our children accountable. Grandparents and other family members, friends, and neighbors also help in the important task of raising our kids to be kind, responsible, and productive individuals. This type of teamwork is what is intended by the common saying, “It takes a village!”
Kids provide daily opportunities for us to learn to be proactive parents, including throwing a tantrum if they don’t get what they want, refusing to do their chores, asking for more money (after wasting their own), making hurtful comments, and stressing our resolve through whining, asking incessantly, sulking, or making threats. Children around the world provide these fabulous learning opportunities for the people tasked with caring for and instructing them. The question is, what will they learn from it? What can we do to equip them with the necessary skills for being effective participants in their relationships, whether it’s with us, or with others?
I hope you’ll take a minute to respond to this article here, or on our Facebook or Twitter accounts. There’s no need for anyone to feel alone or to face difficult decisions—and stand firm in adhering to what they know is best—without the support of others around the world!
From one parent attempting to be proactive, to many others,
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
If you live in West Michigan, I hope you’ll join me on Tuesday, Nov. 10 from 7:00-8:30 p.m. at The Gray Center, City on a Hill Ministries, 100 Pine St., Zeeland, MI, for a “proactive parent” meeting. This will be an opportunity to support each other while learning more about the challenges proactive parents face, and creative strategies for addressing those challenges as we work toward interacting more effectively with our families. ALL parents are invited, regardless of the age of your child, or the presence of (or lack of) a particular diagnosis. Please RSVP by selecting the “proactive parent” option in our shopping cart at www.thegraycenter.org.
Characteristics of Autism: Sensory Integration
Welcome to The SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
There are a variety of factors that lead to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) when they occur together. In the last couple of weeks, The SUN News has looked at language and communication differences, and behaviors/interests/imagination. This week, we’re looking at the category of sensory integration. This is not part of the “triad of symptoms” originally described by Lorna Wing, but is becoming an increasingly accepted and anticipated facet of ASD. These SUN News articles do not attempt to fully detail the differences present with a diagnosis of autism, but will explain the implications of each area as they relate to interactions with people with ASD.
When a person’s sensory system is not well-integrated, he or she may:
- Have difficulty screening out unnecessary noises, struggle to focus on the important ones, and may sense some sounds as unusually painful
- Have difficulty paying attention to important details without being distracted by tags in clothing, temperature, or other sensory input
- Be intolerant of different textures when eating or touching things
- Slam doors or use too much force in other areas, since the proprioceptive system is not signaling how heavy the door is and how much force is needed
- Walk into things or step on people’s toes, due to a lack of understanding of where his/her body is in space
- Be bothered by too much visual input—fluorescent lighting, too many objects or colors, too much activity or motion
- Stand too close while talking with someone, or complain that someone else is too close, since he/she lacks an awareness of appropriate personal space
- Use a voice that is too loud or too soft for the current social context
- Shut down or melt down, when the sensory system becomes over-stressed
You may or may not have a well-integrated sensory system. But either way, it’s likely that you have developed strategies over the years to keep your system functioning more efficiently and to help yourself stay comfortable. Some people chew gum or drink coffee to stay alert. Some cross their legs while sitting and bounce their foot, or tap their pencil on a desk for additional input or to calm themselves. Some wear gloves when gardening because they don’t like getting their hands dirty, or while cleaning because they don’t like to get their hands wet or dislike the lingering smell of cleaning solution which might remain on their hands.
When we’re working with children, we have a tendency to remove such options which might improve their functioning or help them stay more comfortable. Often we do not allow chewing gum in class, we do not provide gloves for finger-painting, and we tell students to sit still while they’re completing their assignments. Then we’re surprised or frustrated when they have difficulty participating in the activity successfully. Occupational therapists have made great strides in introducing “sensory diets” in classrooms to provide the feedback so many students need, whether swinging, pushing or pulling heavy objects, “brushing” (the Wilbarger method), weighted vests, bouncy seats or balls to sit on while working, etc.
It may be helpful to ask someone with sensory integration dysfunction which sounds, smells, and other sensations are most disturbing to them. You may be able to change the environment to be more conducive to their needs, or provide strategies which would help them be more successful in spite of their challenges.
Books such as “Answers to Questions Teachers Ask About Sensory Integration” and “Understanding Regulation Disorders in Sensory Processing in Children” can be helpful if you’d like more information about this topic. Both are available at www.thegraycenter.org.
Thank you for the work you are doing to promote social understanding and effectiveness with those with ASD
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. Would you like to continue to receive The SUN News every week? Would you like updates on new resources and sales at The Gray Center, and/or would you like to be notified when The Gray Center hosts events and network meetings? Be sure to subscribe at http://eepurl.com/ekqF (where you can choose the updates you prefer to receive) since we’ll soon discontinue use of this current SUN News subscription feature and individual email updates sent by staff!
Characteristics of Autism: Imagination, Interests, and Behaviors
There are a variety of factors that lead to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) when they occur together. Last week, The SUN News looked at language and communication differences. This week, we’re looking at the category often described as imagination, restricted interests, or behaviors. This is not an attempt to fully detail the differences present with a diagnosis of autism, but to further explain the implications of each area as it relates to interactions with people with ASD.
Many people associate autism with stereotypical behaviors, such as hand-flapping, rocking, or flicking fingers in front of the face. These behaviors are sometimes referred to as “stimming”—an often involuntary response of the individual with ASD to excitement or over-stimulation. For some, these responses fill a need; perhaps calming or reassuring them during times of stress or excitement, or providing additional stimulation when needed. Some individuals with ASD are aware of these responses, and have learned over time (or are learning) to replace them with a response that’s less likely to draw attention to themselves, perhaps holding a “fidget” (or small squeezable or otherwise responsive toy or object), or by sitting on their hands when they’re around other people and sensing a need flap their hands. Since these are generally “authentic responses,” the individuals may not always be aware of them, and may not be able to anticipate or control them. Other people can help by being understanding and accommodating, by helping them to find a time and place to engage in these responses, or helping to find replacement responses as appropriate.
Many people note differences in imagination abilities in people with ASD. It’s not that they don’t have an imagination; rather, they may engage in more realistic imaginative play, or exhibit imaginative abilities within the realm of their special interests, or somehow be more restricted in their imagination. Where this becomes an issue in social interactions is when we recognize that we spend much of our daily lives engaging our imaginations. We imagine what another person’s response might be if we tell a particular joke or a favorite story, we imagine what might happen if we turn in an assignment a day late, or if we’re unable to find our car keys. Many of our responses have first passed an internal “imagination test,” where, through theory of mind (or the ability to imagine what another person knows, thinks, feels, etc.) or other developmental strategies we’ve imagined our own response and how others might respond to it before we do or say something. People with ASD are often missing valuable, relevant social information about themselves and others, and can be helped through Social Stories, Social Behavior Mapping, The Incredible 5-Point Scale, The Hidden Curriculum, The Social Response Pyramid, and many other tools or strategies.
Another aspect of a diagnosis of ASD is “restricted interests.” Often people with ASD have a special interest that is unusual in its focus and intensity. It may be similar to the interests of one’s peers, or vastly different. But this interest (sometimes referred to as a “perseveration”) typically occupies the time, conversations, physical space, and emotional energies of the person with ASD. Although this aspect can make it difficult for parents and professionals to gain the attention of the person who would rather be talking or thinking about an area of special interest, it can also be used for motivation, rewards, and possibly even for a career path. This has been the case for Temple Grandin, author of “The Way I See It” and “Developing Talents,” who has used her love for animals and her incredible ability to think in pictures to become very successful in designing humane livestock handling facilities! Often the rest of us have much to learn from the dedication, loyalty, and significant knowledge that a person with ASD may have acquired about a particular topic.
Lastly, people with ASD are known to adhere to routines and rituals. However, when a person lives in a world full of events and responses that appear random, as is often the case for those with ASD due to their difficulties with generalizing, executive functioning, theory of mind, gestalt processing, sensory integration, etc., it makes sense that they would grasp onto those things in life that are routine, predictable, and comfortable. Schedules, routines, calendars, and clocks can all provide predictability and valuable reassurance for those who struggle to make sense of an otherwise seemingly chaotic environment. We can help by providing advanced notice when things are going to change, using visuals to help guide them through transitions, providing calming strategies, and by recognizing when it might be better to ensure that a comfortable routine can be followed, at least for a time.
Each of the resources mentioned above, along with many others, can be found at www.thegraycenter.org. Thank you for the work you are doing to promote social understanding and social effectiveness!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. West Michigan Young Adult Networks: The Grand Rapids group meets Tuesday, October 20 from 7:30-8:30 (go to www.thegraycenter.org for details on the NEW location). Parents meet at the same time. New Lakeshore Young Adult Network meets Tuesday, November 3 from 7:00-8:00 p.m. at The Gray Center’s new office in Zeeland. Hope to see you there!
Charcteristics of Autism: Language
Welcome to SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
There are a variety of factors that lead to a diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) when they occur together. For the next few weeks, The SUN News will cover each of those, not in an attempt to fully describe them, but to further explain the implications of each area as it relates to interactions with people with ASD.
One characteristic of ASD is the presence of delays or deviations in language and communication. Both expressive and receptive language may be affected, although typically expressive language is a strength for those diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. These individuals may sound like “little professors,” even at a very young age, and particularly if they are talking about an area of special interest. However, understanding language (what they read or hear), answering questions, and using language socially are typically more of a challenge for them. “Small talk” can be difficult for those with ASD, both because of the fast pace and back-and-forth nature of it, as well as the mundane topics such as weather, jobs, family members, etc.
So much of our daily communication takes place outside of the actual words that are spoken or written. Instead, meaning is derived from context, tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions. People with ASD naturally gravitate toward the actual words, and often miss the intended meaning because they have difficulty “reading” the other factors (noticing them, understanding their significance, and responding effectively).
Some individuals with ASD do not use verbal language to communicate, or have very limited words or signs to indicate their needs or thoughts. My friend Sondra Williams, a woman with high-functioning autism, has shared that she was “non-verbal” or had very limited verbal ability until about the age of five. As an adult, she is re-examining the memories she has of her childhood, and is finally beginning to put words to the thoughts and feelings she was experiencing at that time. In other words, although she couldn’t begin to process those things when she was young, she is now able to comprehend what was happening, and how she felt about it. Her phenomenal ability to share her experiences with the rest of us has been captured in her writing and poetry in the book, “Reflections of Self,” and her DVD, “Define Me,” both available at www.thegraycenter.org. Sondra and others have provided a vivid reminder to me that even when someone does not use verbal communication, they may have a wealth of ideas to share with the rest of us. I’m thankful that assisted communication, sign language, and other methods are helping some individuals with ASD to connect with others in a way that had been previously unavailable to them.
Basically, simple language tends to be more of a strength for individuals with ASD than complex language. When we “say what we mean and mean what we say,” we are communicating in a way that is more likely to be understood by those with ASD. We can also help by “using our words” to explain our thought process, and to clue them into the facial expressions, body language, and context clues that contribute to intended meaning as they participate in social interactions with others. Using visual cues, and providing plenty of “think time” as they retrieve information stored in their memory can help those with ASD be more successful in their interactions with others.
More information and strategies can be found in resources by authors such as Linda Hodgdon, Carol Gray, Tony Attwood, Michelle Winner, Diane Twachtman-Cullen, and also Catherine Snodgrass, who has written a delightful book, “Super Silly Sayings that Are Over Your Head,” which depicts idioms in a fun and engaging way. All of these resources—and many more—can be found at www.thegraycenter.org.
It’s important to remember that each individual with ASD is more than the sum of their diagnostic differences. Each will also be characterized by a unique personality, interests, abilities, and more. As we celebrate the uniqueness of each person, we can also be better equipped to understand their differences and respond in a way that will help all of us to be more successful in our interactions with one another!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center
P.S. Our featured resource this week is “Simple Strategies that Work.” It’s an easy-to-read and easy-to-implement resource which contains great information for working with individuals with ASD and related disabilities. We’ve recently added this title and several others—find each one in the “new titles” category at www.thegraycenter.org!
Autism Statistics
My inbox was flooded today with reports that new statistics indicate that one in every 91 American children are now being diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), up from the previously held statistic of one in 150. Yesterday I was asked by a friend, “Can adults have Asperger Syndrome?” As many of you know, the answer is a resounding “YES!” (although apparently they are not counted in the current statistics, nor are the many children who are misdiagnosed or as yet undiagnosed). Children with ASD grow into adults with ASD, although hopefully with lots of help along the way, they are able to move up the spectrum as they grow and develop. They may perhaps “recover” from the diagnosis by functioning like their peers without the diagnosis being a hindrance to their ability to be successful socially. I’ve written about these topics in the past, but thought today would be a good time to focus again more specifically on the diagnosis and what it means to those of us who are working to promote social understanding around the world.
Already years ago I was interviewed by the local media who were putting together a piece on the “appalling increase” in the prevalence of ASD. Personally, I prefer to leave the research and statistics to those who are dedicating their careers to uncovering the cause of autism (or various types of autism corresponding to a variety of causes, which is the current direction of research). Instead, my work focuses on figuring out what to do for those who have ASD, and the many other people in their lives who are impacted by the diagnosis. Rather than throwing our hands in the air in amazement and discouragement, I prefer to simply recognize that every one of us, whether we know it or not, is interacting with people with ASD as we go about our daily lives. And once we acknowledge that, we can further educate ourselves regarding what to look for, and how to enable everyone to experience social success—even those with ASD.
Next week I’ll detail some of the diagnostic criteria for ASD, and describe how it looks in real-life situations. As you ponder the definitions and statistics in the weeks ahead, I hope you’ll keep the following points in mind:
1. Each individual with ASD is first and foremost a person! I am frequently saddened and disappointed when sensational news about the horror of autism overlooks the people who have been labeled with this diagnosis—and who are so very much more than the sum of autistic symptoms! Each one has a personality, strengths, dreams, interests, fears, and challenges, just as we all do. I doubt that any one of us would want to be known by a single solitary label, anymore than a person with ASD could be correctly described or summarized only by the word autism.
2. Autism is often referred to as a “social disability” because the characteristics of ASD have a significant negative impact on a person’s ability to be successful socially. However, not one of us is capable of being social all alone! The definition of social requires two or more people in an interaction. And each of us bears the responsibility for the success of the interaction. I’ve frequently written about social understanding in terms of a teeter-totter. When a lightweight person is sitting on a teeter-totter opposite a heavier person, who bears the blame for the lack of success as they are unable to go up and down and enjoy the activity? I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. Do social interactions break down because one person has autism, or because the other person is unwilling to see things from another’s perspective, to be flexible, to provide additional instruction, and to accept the other’s differences?
The new statistics will be used in the upcoming weeks to generate further funding for research, which may continue to help us better understand the diagnosis and those who are affected by it. However, I hope that the statistics will spur the 8400 people around the world who are reading this article today toward renewed dedication to working toward social effectiveness; providing missing information, helping to connect the dots, appreciating the strengths, and working to meet the various needs of those we interact with each day.
The Gray Center is here to help you do that! At www.thegraycenter.org you can find information about ASD, valuable resources to assist you in your teaching, parenting, and understanding the social world, social coaching, consulting, and more. You can stay in touch with us via Facebook and Twitter, and access our Community Network and topic blogs through our home page.
I hope you’ll take a moment today to reach out to someone with ASD to let him or her know how much you value all that they bring to your life. And lend a helping hand to another parent, teacher, employer, therapist, administrator, etc. who is working to promote social effectiveness in their part of the world. The statistics remind us that every one of us is crucial to the important task of promoting social understanding so that everyone can experience the rewards of being socially successful.
Best wishes in your work around the world!
Laurel Falvo, CFLE
Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. Your tax-deductible donations enable The Gray Center to continue to provide information and support for those affected by ASD. You can give safely and quickly online at www.thegraycenter.org. Thank you for your financial support!
COACHING: Setting Others Up for Success
Filed under: Relationships, Social Response Pyramid(TM), Social Understanding, autism |
Leave a Comment Welcome to SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
Daily, we are faced with a multitude of social dilemmas. Should we tell the truth about another person’s appearance, or should we either remain silent or tell a “white lie?” Should we tell someone about something we’ve seen or heard that is bothering us, or would that be “tattling?” Should we go along with what someone is asking us to do, or risk rejection by turning them down? How can we better understand others and interact more effectively with them?
Often, the presence of an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) complicates such questions. There may be missing information that needs to be taught before these situations can be addressed successfully. For example, what exactly is a “white lie,” and how is it different from an outright lie? Although we teach and promote honesty, when is it okay (or even socially effective) to tell a white lie? What is the difference between “tattling” and enlisting the help of a responsible adult when faced with a situation that affects someone’s safety or emotional wellbeing? When should we do what others are telling us to do, and how do we judge their intent or protect our own values when their requests go against what we believe or have been instructed?
A social coach can help individuals sort out some of these questions so that they are better equipped to successfully navigate social situations. Social coaching can provide needed instruction, role-playing, a step-by-step plan, and more. A social coach can also assist families who struggle to develop new patterns of interacting with a child who is growing up and needing (but possibly resisting) added responsibilities, opportunities to make their own effective choices, and to experience natural consequences.
Many of us function as social coaches, perhaps without even realizing it. We function as social coaches when we model effective interactions with others (yes, we’re often being watched), when we provide information about the choices we’re making (and the thought process that led to those choices), and when we take time to provide necessary instruction, encouragement, and accountability to others. The process begins in infancy, as parents, grandparents, and childcare providers teach children basic manners along with society’s rules, both spoken and unspoken. It continues throughout our lifetime, as even adults find that we sometimes need gentle correction from trusted friends and family members when we commit social errors. And we all benefit from encouragement whether we’re struggling or things are going well!
Sometimes we’re faced with complicated situations which go beyond our own ability and experience. That’s when it may be helpful to enlist others who may have information to help us get unstuck, or to lead us toward successful outcomes. You may have individuals in your community who can help in that way. The Gray Center also has coaching services available, which you can access by phone or in person. I provide social coaching to help you “get unstuck,” or to determine the next step in a variety of situations, along with “Social Response Pyramid Coaching” if you’d like help using the Pyramid at home, in the classroom, or in any other setting.
If you need someone to walk alongside you to answer pressing questions, help you set goals, and determine an action plan, along with holding you accountable for the choices and the progress you make, go to http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=118. (NOTE: You can receive a discount on coaching and consulting services by signing up soon!)
Coaching, whether it’s done informally or formally, is an important component of promoting social understanding!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
www.thegraycenter.org
P.S. The Gray Center has many resources at www.thegraycenter.org which can assist you as you coach others. Be sure to check out resources by Carol Gray, Brenda Smith Myles, Ellen Korin, Cheri Meiners, Kari Dunn Buron, Michelle Garcia Winner, and more, as well as my “Social Response Pyramid” KIT—a perfect opportunity to coach yourself and others in being socially effective!
I am not an expert
Welcome to the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
I suppose some people might call me an expert. I’ve achieved many things in life which might earn me that distinction. After hundreds of hours of experience, studies, and the successful completion of an exam, I recently earned the designation of Certified Family Life Educator. I am the Executive Director of The Gray Center, and have been working with this wonderful nonprofit organization for ten years. I am certified as an elementary teacher (and enjoyed some wonderful years in a classroom with engaging students), and have been a parent for over fifteen years. And I have been living and learning on this planet for over forty years.
Yet I would be the first to state unequivocally that I am not an expert!
Perhaps it’s helpful to begin with a definition to make sure we all have the same understanding of what it means to be an expert. Dictionaries tend to define expert as “someone with special skill or knowledge.” Under that definition, I suppose we would all find some area in which we could claim expertise.
My reluctance to view myself as an expert does not mean that I deny or do not appreciate the special skills and knowledge that I have acquired over the years. Instead, I identify closely with a quote from Henry Ford, well-known contributor to the automotive industry in America. He is reputed to have said this: “None of our men are ‘experts.’ We have most unfortunately found it necessary to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert–because no one ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the ‘expert’ state of mind a great number of things become impossible.”
I am always learning! In fact, I find that the more I know, the more I realize I don’t know. I am always changing “my CONTEXT”, the strategies available to me, my understanding of the social context and my effect on it, and the choices available to me for socially effective responses (I explain these terms more in my “Social Response Pyramid” resources, available at www.thegraycenter.org ). If viewing myself as an “expert” will raise me—in my own mind or that of others—to a status of one who has “arrived,” and knows enough to stop learning, then I don’t plan to ever achieve that distinction. Instead, I view myself realistically as someone who has an opportunity to learn from every interaction with every individual whom I meet, whether for a long time or a brief contact. I am a learner, in the process of becoming better educated about myself and those around me. The possibilities for myself and the other learners I encounter are truly endless!
I have been privileged through my work at The Gray Center to learn from many of you. Thank you for your emails, phone conversations, and the visits we’ve had over the years! I have also had many opportunities to share some of what I’ve learned along the way, through our web site and this SUN News feature, through emails and visits, and through the speaking that I’ve done at in-services and other workshops. Soon, you’ll have an opportunity to meet with me for “social coaching,” or “Social Response Pyramid(TM) coaching,” which I’ll describe in greater detail in our upcoming Gray Center Spotlight article.
I hope you’ll use our new topic blog at http://thegraycenter.blogspot.com/ to share your ideas and information with other visitors, and stay in touch with The Gray Center and each other through Facebook and Twitter. Together we can provide valuable information and support to help ourselves and others achieve and celebrate success!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. If you’re in the West Michigan area, please join us Thursday, October 1 from 4-8 p.m. for our FREE autism expo! More details are available at www.thegraycenter.org.
The Benefits of Reaching Out to Others
Filed under: Relationships, Social Understanding, autism |
Leave a Comment Welcome to the SUN News–a weekly update for The Gray Center Social Understanding Network!
Many parents, school-workers, and employers carefully adapt tasks and environments to suit the strengths and challenges of their children, students, and employees. This adaptation enables people with unique challenges to be successful, similar to the way that their peers are able to be successful without the adaptations. This is an important component of social understanding—understanding when to provide necessary supports and modifications to give everyone an opportunity to be socially successful.
However, there’s an inherent danger in jumping to adapt things for anyone, whether it’s people with disabilities, young children, teens, or even family members. This past spring I heard Johnnie Tuitel give a presentation about living with a disability (you can find video clips of Johnnie on YouTube). Johnnie is the author of the “Gun Lake Series” adventure books for teens featuring a person with a disability. Johnnie has cerebral palsy, and has been in a wheelchair or used braces and crutches for most of his life. Obviously, many environments and tasks have been adapted over the years to enable him to experience success. However, he made the comment that when we are too quick to adapt materials, expectations, activities, and situations to fit the special needs of one person, that person can get to the point where he or she believes, “It’s all about me!”
We all like to do things according to our own preferences, abilities, and interests. But it’s a fact of life that most of us are forced to adapt throughout the day to do things another person’s way, or to stretch our own abilities or interests to accommodate others. Learning to recognize this and respond effectively is a valuable skill that should be taught and reinforced beginning at a young age.
How can we encourage each person to use their gifts and abilities to benefit others?
Reach out to others, leading by your own example, and deliberating involving children and young adults, including those with disabilities. Do you make financial contributions to charitable organizations like The Gray Center? (You can give online at www.thegraycenter.org). Encourage others to earn money to give, also. Maybe they can choose a charity that interests them, whether it’s an animal shelter, summer camp, worship center, homeless shelter, or organization related to the arts. Do you give food to pantries that benefit those who do not have enough to eat? Have your children help select food at the grocery store, and help deliver it to the pantry. Sometimes around the holidays there are opportunities to actually deliver the food to needy families—that’s a great opportunity to expand our social horizons to become more aware of other people and their needs! The Gray Center sells a beautiful children’s book, “Reach Out and Give,” by Cheri Meiners, which helps to illustrate the need—and benefits—of giving to others. The description of the book reads, “Even very young children can help to make the world a better place. This book begins with the concept of gratitude, because feeling grateful is a powerful motivator. Words and pictures show children contributing to their community in simple yet meaningful ways. Includes discussion questions, a philanthropy role play, generosity games, and ideas for service projects.”
Not only is it important to give of our tangible resources like money, but also to give of our time and talents. Volunteering is an excellent way to give back to our community. And many organizations rely on the help of volunteers, especially when the economy makes it more difficult to pay staff. The Gray Center is thankful for the people who give of their time and abilities to keep our nonprofit organization running. Jane and Nelson have volunteered for over five years! Julie helped us for a couple of years, and Rachelle and Amy have joined us since our move to our new office. Volunteering is a great option for people with autism spectrum disorders (ASD), since it gives them opportunities to make new connections and to learn valuable skills. And as Teresa Bolick pointed out when she spoke at our spring conference, employers tend to be more willing to teach workers and to overlook “quirks” when the individuals are volunteering rather than being paid. The site of our new office, City on a Hill Ministries in Zeeland, Michigan, is a great place for people to volunteer. They have mentors in place to train and oversee each volunteer, and the presence of numerous individuals with special needs (who come for schooling and for respite) means that tenants in the building are very accustomed to working with individuals with disabilities.
While giving of our money, time, possessions, and talents can serve to teach or remind us that “it’s not all about us,” it can also feel pretty good to reach out to others in this way! There are definite rewards to looking beyond our own needs and challenges, and to helping others do the same. I often hear parents say that their child wouldn’t be able to be involved in one of these ways for one reason or another. Yet they’re usually also frustrated by the selfish tendencies they see in that child. I’d like to challenge each of you to find a way to help others get involved in meaningful ways with other people. Otherwise we’re depriving them of a valuable opportunity to learn important life skills, to gain helpful experience, and to interact with new people, perhaps forming meaningful and long-lasting relationships!
Best wishes as you continue to promote social understanding by encouraging and enabling everyone to be involved in giving back to others!
Laurel Falvo, Certified Family Life Educator
Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. The Gray Center is in need of volunteers! We’d love help with our October 1st Autism Expo, and would also like to find some parents, grandparents, young adults, or other community members (including those with ASD) who would be willing to work in our office once a week to answer phones, greet visitors, and help with projects. Please contact me at laurel@thegraycenter.org if you’re interested in any of these opportunities! (If you’re not in the West Michigan area, I hope you’ll consider making a donation to The Gray Center and/or helping another organization that can use your time and talents!)
