Enjoying Relationships
Dinnertime at our house can sometimes be stressful for me. Too often, I don’t plan meals ahead of time, so when the clock and my family’s stomachs indicate that it’s time to eat, I have to go to the cupboard and freezer to figure out what to fix for our family of five. Frequently my kids decide they need my assistance at the same time, either with homework, or addressing sibling conflicts. Although we all sit down together to eat each evening, dinnertime is a busy time for me, as I jump up to grab missing utensils, reach over to cut someone’s food, or respond to a request to pass something. As soon as the meal is finished, it’s time to clean up the kitchen, which further adds to the chaos of mealtime.
Needless to say, I enjoy occasional opportunities to eat dinner at a restaurant. Having someone else fix the meal, serve it, and clean up afterwards enables me to enjoy conversing with my family, and gives me the opportunity to really listen to what they’re saying. Usually we are all a lot calmer at those times.
Relationships are like that, I think. The more we have to be involved in the busyness of managing a relationship, the less we’re able to just enjoy it. When a family member, student, colleague, or friend needs frequent correction for the choices he or she is making and the impact that they have on others, it’s difficult to sit back and enjoy that relationship. The result may be that the two people in the interaction, whether it’s a parent and child, or student and teacher, or employee and boss, feel stressed by their relationship, and may even feel as though they don’t like each other (or aren’t liked by the other person).
The more we can manage our responses on our own, working at being socially effective, the more other people can simply enjoy being our friend, teacher, colleague, student, or parent.
At our house, we’re making changes to enable all of us to enjoy each other more. We’re working to decrease mealtime stress through designating helpers and instituting better table manners (for example, my husband insists that everyone wait to eat until I’ve had my first bite, which helps to ensure that others are not half finished by the time the food preparation is done and I get to sit down to eat). Our children are also helping more with cooking—a skill which benefits them as much as it does me! We’re each working at taking responsibility for our own socially effective responses, so that we can enjoy our relationships instead of having to correct each other or deal with added stress. I’ll write more about that next week!
Do you have favorite “stress-busters?” Do you have suggestions for table manners or other tips which you’d like to share with our readers? Please email your ideas to me or post them here, and I’ll work at compiling them for our 8300 SUN News readers in the near future.
Best wishes as you work to promote social understanding and social effectiveness, and as you enjoy your relationships!
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. For those of you who have a June 30th fiscal year end like we do (and for all of you), we’ve extended our 10% savings using coupon code DUCK09 through June 30. Create your own sale on resources related to sensory integration, bullying, Asperger Syndrome, adolescence, teaching, hygiene, Social Stories(TM), and more! This special will not be advertised on our web site, but will be available to all of our SUN News members through the end of the month. Thank you for helping us to promote social understanding for the past 10 years!
Personal Space
Understanding personal space is one area of difficulty for many individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD). Frequently, this leads to social problems, as they sit or stand too close to someone, touch another person inappropriately, and even react unexpectedly or harshly to an invasion of their own personal space. Parents, teachers, and caregivers note additional difficulties when teaching about personal space, including how to deal with a child’s inappropriate touching of his or her own body while in public.
One important concept to teach is “comfortable distance.” When helping a child to understand comfortable distance or personal space, it may be helpful to provide visual and concrete examples. One analogy that can be used as a bridge between the abstract concept of “comfortable distance” and its practical application is an inner-tube or “hoola-hoop.” An adult can place the circular object around his or her own waist to show the child where the boundaries of personal space lie. Another inner tube placed around the child’s waist can provide an opportunity to demonstrate the proper distance to maintain when sitting next to another person, walking through a hallway, or standing to talk. The child can also be taught (and later, prompted) to remember to keep an elbow’s distance from other people. Photos can be taken of the child standing an appropriate distance from another person, sitting next to—but not touching—a classmate, etc., which can be referred to later as a visual prompt.
There is a portion of personal space that is more “personal” than the rest. This is often referred to as “private” space. Much of that is body surface that is covered by a bathing suit (for a male, the area between the waist and thighs, and for a female, that area as well as the chest area). Generally, when we think of touching other people, we also consider other areas to be “off limits”, including the face and neck, while other areas, namely the arm, the back, the hand, and the top of the head (especially if you are a child!), are usually the first to be touched when someone’s personal space is purposefully “invaded.”
Teaching the concept of personal space is complicated by the fact that most people adjust their own perceptions of personal space—and acceptable touch– depending on their location and the people with whom they are interacting, or their “social context.” For example, they may accept a smaller personal space and more invasions of that space on a crowded sidewalk or while sharing an armrest with a stranger in a movie theater, or snuggling with a loved one, bumping up against teammates, etc. If a child has difficulty understanding or anticipating times or situations when less personal space or more intimate touch is indicated, he or she can be taught to ask permission to enter another person’s space. For example, the child may ask, “May I sit here by you?” or even, “May I give you a hug?” However, the fact remains that many of the “invasions” of their own personal space will be unexpected, coming without warning. (For children, these episodes tend to happen more frequently, due to both the unpredictability—and high activity level– of children, as well as the tendency of adults to touch children—tapping them on the head, ruffling their hair, putting an arm around them, etc.) Instead, children with ASD need to be prepared to “expect the unexpected” and how to respond effectively.
Using trade books, pictures in magazines, or other visual examples, a child can be guided to understand different types of touch. Depending on the understanding of the child, assistance can range from, “Show me two people who are holding hands,” (identifying different types of touch) to, “Why do you think they are holding hands?” (helping to understand why and when exceptions to unwritten personal space “rules” are acceptable).
Besides using concrete visual examples to teach the concept of personal space, many children will benefit from Carol Gray’s Social Stories(TM), which help to provide the “missing pieces of the puzzle,” as they struggle to understand how and when they should touch – or avoid touching—other people. For example, a Social Story could describe how the inner tubes help some children learn about personal space, and how we try to imagine that amount of space to decide where to sit or stand so everyone feels comfortable. Some Story examples related to personal space can be found at http://www.thegraycenter.org/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.display&page_id=77. Remember that these Social Stories may need to be adapted to suit the abilities and age of the child, as well as the cultural or familial attitudes that apply to that child. A Comic Strip Conversation could also show a child what others may think or feel when someone stands too close, in contrast to when someone stands at a comfortable distance.
In addition, some children may be struggling with the concept of personal space because of problems with sensory integration. Sensory integration dysfunction occurs when the senses are not working together to process sensory input (including touch, sight, smells, and sounds), and the child’s brain does not integrate all of the information to properly decode and respond to it. A light tap or brush against the child’s arm may be perceived as a hard hit, and the child may respond accordingly. A lack of awareness of where his or her own body begins and ends (a common problem for those with sensory integration dysfunction) can cause a child to bump into others or to step on their toes, and similar difficulties may lead the child to use excessive force when the intent was only to give a friendly pat on someone’s arm. An occupational therapist can help to determine whether this is an issue for a particular child, and through a sensory diet and sensory integration therapy, can help the child to better process sensory input.
Of course, the child with ASD is only one half of the “personal space equation.” Parents, teachers, and caregivers can help to protect the personal space of the child with ASD. It may be helpful to ensure that classmates do not sit so close to the child that unnecessary “bumps” are going to occur. The child can be allowed to stand at the back of the line, where the only personal space she needs to be concerned about lies directly in front of her (or if the child cannot handle being in the back, he or she can be placed alongside a line of children while they are learning about personal space and developing strategies to adapt effectively to more or less personal space).
Parents and professionals can also model their own corrections of personal space “errors” by verbalizing, “Oops! I’m getting a little too close to all of you”…and then, after moving away slightly, “There, this is more comfortable for me, and you, too, I’ll bet!”
Classmates, too, can learn to respect the personal space of others, including their peer with ASD. One helpful resource is Carol Gray’s Sixth Sense, a lesson plan for helping children understand those who struggle with understanding the thoughts and actions of others.
As with most concepts, it is important to approach “Personal Space” through a variety of ways, helping the child with ASD to understand a complicated social phenomenon that many people take for granted.
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. To learn more about writing your own Social Stories(TM) or Comic Strip Conversations(TM), you can purchase training materials at www.thegraycenter.org, or find additional Social Story resources such as books, Quarterlies, and Storymovies(TM) which you can adapt for your audience. Note that for one week, we are offering a SALE on all Social Story resources in addition to the other items included in our moving sale!
Responding to Failure
Awhile back, I was approached by a person who I expected was prepared to give me a compliment. Instead, I was caught completely off-guard when he criticized me and implied that my efforts had no value, not only for him, but for anyone else.
My “authentic response” was one which came from my current state of shock. I believe I mumbled some form of apology, but I have little recollection of the next several minutes, as his words played and replayed in my mind. As the shock wore off, I felt a mixture of anger (how dare he criticize me in this way?), shame (was I really that worthless?), and discouragement (for a few moments, I literally felt like retreating to a secluded place and vowing never to try again)!
As the shock wore off and time dulled the initial pain and surprise, I began processing the experience. First, I realized that his response to me was also an authentic response. It was produced based on his own perceptions, experiences, thoughts, feelings, and expectations. He may or may not have had an understanding of my context, or the desire or ability to produce a response that would have been more socially effective (i.e. one that would have kept my self-esteem intact, and enabled me to have a more positive view of this person). When I looked at the facts, I realized that he did not speak on behalf of others (even though he implied otherwise), but that his comments represented his own subjective opinion. I also realized that there was a hint of truth to his perspective, and that I could use the experience to learn a different way of doing things.
In the next few hours, I experienced more creative thinking, writing, and brainstorming than I had in the weeks preceding this uncomfortable incident! Suddenly I began coming up with new ideas for resources, teaching strategies, and other choices that I could implement in my life. I had a whole new understanding and appreciation for the hurt people can cause each other, but also the incredible growth and regeneration that can arise from disappointment, criticism, and other negative experiences.
I was surprised to arrive home that night to find that the latest issue of “The Reader’s Digest” had arrived, with a front cover headline which read, “Bounce Back from Anything: The New Science of Success.” The indicated article was based on brain research which has shown that failure can trigger brain “neurons firing, growing, and forming new connections.” Some people’s brains actually further grow and develop in response to failure!
Many of us experience more frustration or failure in our daily lives than we do success. While the successes are wonderful, and definitely worth celebrating, there is tremendous value in learning how to handle frustration and failure. How we respond to it, what we learn from it, and how it guides our future responses are all crucial aspects of our own ability to be socially effective!
While I would find it difficult to thank this person for his unkind comments, I am able to recognize that I have grown and become better at what I do because of the experience. I wish all of you the same ability to flourish in the face of frustration, and to help those with whom you live and work to do the same!
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
Help The Gray Center Get Our Ducks in a Row!
Have you ever felt like a “different duck?” Most of us have days when we either celebrate or bemoan our uniqueness. But The Gray Center thinks it’s GOOD to be one of a kind!
YOU are one of a kind! The Gray Center is pleased to have you as a member of our Social Understanding Network, and we’re grateful for the work you’re doing around the world to help promote social understanding and effectiveness.
People with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) are one of a kind. Although they may share similar traits which lead to a diagnosis, they each have their own unique interests, personality, abilities, dreams, fears, and challenges.
The Gray Center is a one of a kind organization. Where else can you go for FREE email and phone support, a web site with practical information and ideas, access to a lending library and bookstore with valuable resources, low-cost support groups for parents, young adults, girls and boys, helpful workshops and presentations, connections to an extensive community network, and a resource such as our FREE weekly Sun News articles?
If you have benefited from any of The Gray Center’s resources over the past few years, months, weeks, or days, please consider making a tax-deductible donation to our nonprofit organization. The current economic conditions have negatively impacted both The Gray Center and many of the individuals and families that we serve. Already we have had to significantly cut our staff hours, which reduces our ability to meet the needs of our friends around the world. We continue to hear that people value our programs and resources, but we can only continue to provide those through your generous financial support!
As The Gray Center prepares to move to our new office (which will enable us to reduce our operating expenses), you can help us “get our ducks in a row!” You can give quickly and safely at www.thegraycenter.org (or send a check to 4123 Embassy Dr. SE, Kentwood, MI 49546). All donations will be acknowledged with a receipt, and if you give more than $10, we’ll hang a duck on our wall in your honor! Please tell your friends and family about The Gray Center, and encourage them to also help us in our time of need. Let’s see if we can fill our new office with ducks representing Gray Center supporters!
Thank you in advance for your generous support. Together, we can celebrate our individual uniqueness, as well as our strength in working together to promote social understanding and effectiveness!
Laurel Falvo, Executive Director
The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding
P.S. Our Gray Center Girls’ Group has painted rubber ducks representing their own individuality and creativity. You can purchase a poster of those ducks on our web site. You can also download our “one of a kind” donation flyer off our web site, and distribute it to other potential supporters (Does your doctor know about The Gray Center? Your child’s teacher or school administrator? Your childcare provider?) Thank you for your support!
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